Apologies to anyone who has also read my posting under Relationships/LifeLong - or whatever it is. I'm reaching out for more advice in a moment of dire need.
My husband of 8 years (12 together) has informed me that he wants to have an open marriage. Before marriage he had had a bi-sexual encounter but says that it wasn't much and that would never affect our marriage. Now he's changed his mind. He has a friend that he doesn't see often (every 3 or 4 years) who he emails with and talks to often who is married with 2 kids and has decided that he's "curious". The two of them have been planning a 10-day trip together for some time now, but now I find out that my husband desires to have sex with him while on this trip. Our sex life has not been what it was and has much room for improvement, of which I am trying to work on, but he says that even if we get all that back he still wants an open marriage and both male and female sexual encounters. He also is encouraging this for me of which I have absolutely no interest. And I don't want him doing this either. Everytime we talk about it I get so emotional (and I'm really not one who gets like that - I don't even cry watching sappy movies [he does!]) and cannot even think straight to get my thoughts together. I have told him that I feel horrible because I am not enough for him, but he says that's not true. Hello? If I were enough why would he have this need for others? We actually have an amazing relationship together so this is hitting me from left field. Some of you may think that I'm just saying that because that's what I want to believe - but it's true. Our sex life could improve but we have been talking about that and making it a priority. We're a great couple - but now he wants to add others to that number. I don't know what I'm even asking for here, but please advise!!!
You don't sound like you could be happy in an open marriage. So you should tell him if he wants to "explore" (i.e. cheat on you with other people), then he should do so as a divorced single man, and that you will leave him if he does it. Chances are your marriage can't be saved, the sex drive is a powerful thing and if he feels this way he is probably pretty determined.
He can't have it both ways, that's cruel and unfair to you. So, I suggest you tell him that if he wants to be with that male friend of his, he can say goodbye to you and divorce. Forget having an open marriage in the future with both men and women - To me, that sounds like someone who doesn't want committment anymore and is using his bi sexual curiousity as an excuse.
It will ruin your intimate feelings for him, and ruin your marriage as time goes on.
sorry OP, I feel your mindset is extremely doormatic, if you allow everything that he wants and he takes no responsibility for his commitment, later those deep hidden bitterness in your will bite you, you got to stand up for yourself when necessary. How much you value him? that should be how much you value yourself as a person.
Do you allow yourself to go out find a man, and seeing your husband hurting and pull his hair out (suppose your husband is the one don't want open marriage)?
Do you allow yourself to mess with a woman sexually, and require your husband nod his head for agreement?
If you don't want to see him in such pain, why is it ok for you that you see yourself are in such pain? it is right we suffer pain for other's good sometimes, but 'screw around"???? no way
If we lose the value we hold in ourselves, then we have nothing if it seems like we have everything, those are empty
__________________
--Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty (emancipation from bondage)
--Rom 12:2 Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. --Love inspires charity, chastity, and purity
Last edited by Lovelybird; 27th June 2008 at 1:03 AM..
Apologies to anyone who has also read my posting under Relationships/LifeLong - or whatever it is. I'm reaching out for more advice in a moment of dire need.
My husband of 8 years (12 together) has informed me that he wants to have an open marriage. Before marriage he had had a bi-sexual encounter but says that it wasn't much and that would never affect our marriage. Now he's changed his mind. He has a friend that he doesn't see often (every 3 or 4 years) who he emails with and talks to often who is married with 2 kids and has decided that he's "curious". The two of them have been planning a 10-day trip together for some time now, but now I find out that my husband desires to have sex with him while on this trip. Our sex life has not been what it was and has much room for improvement, of which I am trying to work on, but he says that even if we get all that back he still wants an open marriage and both male and female sexual encounters. He also is encouraging this for me of which I have absolutely no interest. And I don't want him doing this either. Everytime we talk about it I get so emotional (and I'm really not one who gets like that - I don't even cry watching sappy movies [he does!]) and cannot even think straight to get my thoughts together. I have told him that I feel horrible because I am not enough for him, but he says that's not true. Hello? If I were enough why would he have this need for others? We actually have an amazing relationship together so this is hitting me from left field. Some of you may think that I'm just saying that because that's what I want to believe - but it's true. Our sex life could improve but we have been talking about that and making it a priority. We're a great couple - but now he wants to add others to that number. I don't know what I'm even asking for here, but please advise!!!
Ahhh, you want to kill this quickly? Tell him to go ahead, that you have been dreaming of banging a guy with a huge cock that can really satisfy you. Pretend if you want that you went out and banged a guy with a huge cock, at least a few inches longer than him.. this will get him thinking!
Well, actually I did say something like that. I asked him how he would react if I went off with some other guy and did those things, and he said that if that's what would make me happy then he would support that. And that he would still love me and all that. His nonchalant response hurt me even more than the thought of him with someone else - no matter what the gender.
So is there anyone out there that has gone from a monogamous relationship to an open one, with the same person? I can't figure out how you make that transition without there being a lot of heartache.
Well, actually I did say something like that. I asked him how he would react if I went off with some other guy and did those things, and he said that if that's what would make me happy then he would support that. And that he would still love me and all that. His nonchalant response hurt me even more than the thought of him with someone else - no matter what the gender.
So is there anyone out there that has gone from a monogamous relationship to an open one, with the same person? I can't figure out how you make that transition without there being a lot of heartache.
Lady, there's something really wrong with that man of yours, I mean MOST married men even thinking about wifey riding another man makes them angry and sick. I wouldn't do anything with any other man if I were you. It sounds like Lust on your husbands part, strange..........
Anyway, the lifestyle he's wanting you both to engage into really can expose you and hubby to a lot of nasty diseases like AIDS! You had better warn him of this as well.
Just out of curiousity, someone mentioned sizes of(well, you know), have you mentioned to him what positions you'd like to be trying with other men,(69, doggie, woman on top, etc.)? Of course, it's just to make hubby think..........
So he can have a clear conscious and then he can go off guilt free and do whatever pleases. Ahhh no. That isn't the deal and wasn't the deal when you two married.
Don't let him pressure you into this. The bottomline is, HE wants men. HE wants to stay married and have an open marriage. You can't handle that and rightfully so, you should HAVE to! I know 100% for sure I couldn't and wouldn't!
I think polyamory is ok sometimes, for some people. Some people have good well-. Maybe your husband really isn't jealous of you being with other men, and there's nothing really wrong with that. Trying to make him jealous (as some other people have suggested) seems pretty juvenile. I think it's possible to want other people and still love your current partner.
But if you're not ok with him being with other people, you need to make that clear to him (it sounds like you have =)).
I'm somewhat inclined to wanting other people, sometimes, but I discussed it with my partner, and she wasn't ok with it, and because she's important to me I accepted it. We have an an agreement that we'll tell each other if we become interested in other people.
Justakid - okay, finally someone who's been in this situation, even though on the other side. How did your partner react? Did it upset you that she wasn't interested? Are you married to her? Do you think your desire for an open relationship will ever become so strong that you would leave this person - or is it something that you really can be okay with and accept. I know each person's situation is different, but I'm still extremely hurt and confused. My husband is still on this trip and won't be back until Friday night. I get an occasional text and last night I got a late call while I was sleeping, which really seems insincere when i know he could've called me sooner. I've called a couple of times but have decided to stop "intruding". But both times I didn't get ahold of him and left messages, of which I didn't hear back for several hours later, which only made my mind go to places that are visual and unacceptable to me. I know they are out a lot but if this were me I would be certain to return calls and watch for them - especially if I knew how much this was hurting my partner.
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