My girlfriend has a male friend at work, and lately they've been spending much more time together. Now, there's nothing wrong with her having friends, male or female. However, this guy is married and has a kid. He's also been giving small gifts to my girlfriend almost every day for quite some time (usually drinks or snacks). But then Saturday came and she kinda broke down. Apparently he went out of his way to not only buy her a book he thought she'd like, but they also went to a diner alone together after work. She did this without telling me in advance, and only told me after a bit of prodding; I called to see where she was and that she was alright. All this is well and good.
Tuesday night I made the mistake of looking through my girlfriend's cell phone. And it was a huge mistake. I found a text from her to this coworker-guy friend which said "You're the brightest light in my sky." He responded with something like "I only am reflecting the light you give off... You make me a better man." Does that seem like something people who are "just friends" would say? Needless to say, I am terribly hurt by her comment. I'm supposed to be the light of her life. She claims she loves me and wants to be with me forever, and yet she thinks another guy is the best part of her life.
Do you think this constitutes an emotional affair? She says she would draw back from anyone she thought she was getting too close to. Am I overreacting?
My girlfriend has a male friend at work, and lately they've been spending much more time together. Now, there's nothing wrong with her having friends, male or female. However, this guy is married and has a kid. He's also been giving small gifts to my girlfriend almost every day for quite some time (usually drinks or snacks). But then Saturday came and she kinda broke down. Apparently he went out of his way to not only buy her a book he thought she'd like, but they also went to a diner alone together after work. She did this without telling me in advance, and only told me after a bit of prodding; I called to see where she was and that she was alright. All this is well and good.
Tuesday night I made the mistake of looking through my girlfriend's cell phone. And it was a huge mistake. I found a text from her to this coworker-guy friend which said "You're the brightest light in my sky." He responded with something like "I only am reflecting the light you give off... You make me a better man." Does that seem like something people who are "just friends" would say? Needless to say, I am terribly hurt by her comment. I'm supposed to be the light of her life. She claims she loves me and wants to be with me forever, and yet she thinks another guy is the best part of her life.
Do you think this constitutes an emotional affair? She says she would draw back from anyone she thought she was getting too close to. Am I overreacting?
Of course this is an emotional affair. Look for all the threads here, and on the cheating board, that are about emotional affairs. You'll find many similarities between those threads and your post.
You have no kids with her, I'm assuming. I would step back, evaluate your relationship, and decide if you want to be with her. If you do, she's going to have to stop seing this guy. Your relationship can't survive with him in it. If you don't, then learn from this experience so that it is less likely to happen in the future. In all honesty, knowing what I know not about EA's, I would leave the relationship.
People do not say those things to each other when they are just friends... or spend that much time together. She is being reeled in by a married man with a kid!! Whatever his story, it's obvious he is getting something he needs from your Girlfriend. i would definitely consider the possibility that it's over between you two.. don't wait till it's too late to deal with this. It sounds like she is definitely disrespecting you. You deserve better.
Yeah, OP, if your R has been good and then you see this, whoa, wake-up call.....
Since the guy is M, if your GF is into him, likely nothing will come of it other than the destruction of your R. Wish I had better news. My best advice is to be patient. I've seen that to be an effective strategy. However, if your GF is strong-minded, it may blow up on you.
I think you would have to be in big time denial not to believe that they are in at the very least an emotional affair. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speaks volumes. The comments they are saying to each other is what lovers say and you know this. If the roles were reversed and you were hanging out, going to dinner, buying presents for another woman behind her back; do you honestly think she would be so accepting as you have been?
She is showing she has very little respect for you and your relationship and is playing you for a fool. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
I went out of my way (drove almost an hour) to visit my girlfriend after work. I even bought a rose and left it on her windshield. I am attempting to find a mutual, workable solution to this issue, and yet her actions last night have simply raised doubts that she even loves or respects me. So, basically, her guy friend drove his car over to hers and she got the "spare" TV he is giving to her. She didn't hug him like I've seen her do before, and immediately called my phone. Mind you, I was watching their interaction from my car. Yeah, I know, "spying" is wrong. Blah, blah, blah. On the phone she sounded very nervous and simply told her friend "thanks, good night." Why was she nervous is the first question I asked myself last night.
She drove over to my car and I let her in. We sat there discussing work and other "chit chat" topics for a good twenty minutes before deciding to drive to the diner (same one she went with him to- kinda "our place") and grab a quick snack. I made it clear in my car that I wasn't there to have a serious discussion about our relationship; I was there to attempt reconciliation. We had already had a horrible fight earlier in the day on the phone, and I wanted to avoid that **** as much as possible.
So, we get to the diner and everything seems fine for a few minutes. We order our drinks, and during the time before they arrived my girlfriend starts to ask why I don't have faith in her. I politely told her that I didn't see reason to discuss those issues at the moment. But she just kept pushing and pushing. So, like any normal person, I defended my position. I kinda said loudly that the main issue I have with her comment was the "brightest" part. I explained that it made me upset and hurt my feelings. I may have spoken that part loudly, but the entire conversation was calm on both our parts. She had no explanation to why I shouldn't feel harmed by that, and asked if I'd be offended if she said that to a dog. What?! Mostly, all she kept doing was saying "uh huh" in a "I don't believe a word you're saying/I'm not listening" tone. THAT pisses me off. If I take the time to state my opinion on something, especially this important, I expect the person I'm talking with to at least honestly listen. Is that so much to ask? So, chalk that up to her lack of respect for any of my opinions.
Then the comment came that I couldn't stand for. She talked to another female at work who barely knows me and this girl agreed that maybe "if I had friends like they do I wouldn't be so jealous." **** THEM! I have friends. I happen to not find it necessary to constantly be with them or find it proper to fall all over other women while in a relationship. Again, I actually have respect for people. At this point I said "goodbye" and threw tip down on the table and walked up to pay. She stormed out, got the rose from her car and put it on my windshield. That's when I totally lost control. I gave her that rose as a gift, and it symbolizes how I'm trying in vain to make this relationship last. She's never given me a gift back. Not once. I asked her why she would accept gifts from another man almost every day but wouldn't accept mine. She responded that "I can't control what other people give me." To which I said, "but you sure as hell have the free will to NOT accept them." No response to that, as I suspected.
I believe this is the end, whether I like it or not. She chooses to mess with a married man and does under the guise of friendship. Oh well, she's about to lose the best man she's ever had in her life. If this is her true character, then I'm way too good for her.
She's your girlfriend. Not your wife, or even your fiance.
Clearly she's got some boundary issues that are a major source of danger to any long term relationship with her.
If she's not willing to take the steps she needs to in order to safegaurd your relationship...bail. Find someone who's more mature and dedicated to one guy.
__________________
"The newsflash is that in the game of love we are ALL at Vegas, some of us are bigger gamblers than others...
Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
I hate to just say "I agree with Owl," but I do here.
I'll add more. You're not wrong to want some boundaries in your relationship. With that said, you stated your position...and your girlfriend seemed to dismiss it pretty casually. If this issue is important to you, I think you might be better off with someone who shows more concern for your feelings. Better to deal with this now than have to deal with it 10 years, and a marriage, later.
She had no explanation to why I shouldn't feel harmed by that, and asked if I'd be offended if she said that to a dog. What?!
Honestly, if I were you and my girlfriend said that to me, I would have told her goodbye right then and there.
This woman is completely disrespecting you and is trying to play you for a fool! She has some balls to say that stuff to you and think that you'll believe her.
This isn't about you loving her now, this is about common respect and honesty. She doesn't respect you at ALL and obviously isn't putting you first, making you a priority.
You are not seeing clearly. She does not deserve your trust.. the relationship with the married "dog" is inappropriate. Maybe she thinks she is not falling for it, and maybe she won't... but that married man is certainly woo-ing in my opinion.
You need to back away. No roses, no poems.. give her lots and LOTS of space. Hopefully, she will see how wonderful you are (sooner or later!) and then you can decide if you want her back, but... I really feel it's in your best interest to get out of that relationship till she comes to grips with what she is doing. Maybe she won't but then you will be better off anyway.
Really Clean_ Slate, what is so wonderful and perfect about your girlfriend that you are willing to stick with her when she treats you this way? You might have her on a pedistle and it might be time to knock her off that pedistle and see her for who she really is.
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