In Search Of...Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.
I meet this guy a few years back and we became friends. I had moved away for about a year and when I moved back I found his number and gave him a call. Turns out in that time he had moved about an hour away.
Anyways, we have went out a few times. No sex or anything like that. I am 29 wanting to settle down and start a family things like that. I am a little confused by the things he tells me. He never seemed like that shy type before. We got to talking about things and he had been unemployed for awhile and just started this new job and three months ago. Needless to say he is in debt and it stress him out to the point of freaking out.
One morning I get this text from him stating " Do u know what it feels like to be attracted to someone but in your heart you know you are just not ready, I want a relationship with you but in my situation I just don't know how to say it." So at this point I am lost becuase yes despite this finiancial problem he is having we have a good time. Later on he went on to say that he is afraid as he always screws things up and he is bad at relationships.
I didn't know really what to say. He went on to tell me that he wants to take things slow and be more like close friends because right now he is not ready for a relationship. At this point I decided to say something. I am not in for the game playing and I asked him if this about wanting to borrow money from me. He stated "No he just doesn't want to screw this up, he wants things to work with me and then he asked if I wanted things to work with him? he then told me to give it a shot."
I do think he is great despite his current financial situation he is embaressed about it, yet he told me. I did offer to loan him some money for the time being. Which he stated it wasn't about the money.
We had plans for this weekend which he broke stating he was doing a tile job for cash cince he needed the cash. I am not sure what to do here. Maybe I am just blind for looking past the finanical hardship he is having because I do like him. Do you think he just wants me to help him financially? Usually when guys say they want to take things slow or they are not ready they really don't like you in that way?
Stay away from 'broke' guys.. you'll end up paying for both of you.. which is not fair.. let him get his finances back in shape.. some guys do take advantage of 'generous' friends... be careful..
__________________ "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet" - Mae West
I know there is a great possiblity of that. I was in town where he lives for work last week and I asked him to go out to eat and that I would pay. He said that he would but he had no money and he was embarrassed by it.
So, it is hard to tell for me if that he really is jsut taking advantage of me.
I know there is a great possiblity of that. I was in town where he lives for work last week and I asked him to go out to eat and that I would pay. He said that he would but he had no money and he was embarrassed by it.
So, it is hard to tell for me if that he really is jsut taking advantage of me.
Yeah ... some guys make it sound like they're not comfortable with the woman paying but never say no... there is always a way for him to see you, he can cook a nice meal.. methink he's enjoying the 'ride'...
I forgot to add that we did not got to dinner because he didn't feel it was right. I did offer to loan him some money to take catch up on some of his bills and said he wasn't sure about it. He didn't feel it was right.
I guess maybe I'll just keep my money and see what happens.
I forgot to add that we did not got to dinner because he didn't feel it was right. I did offer to loan him some money to take catch up on some of his bills and said he wasn't sure about it. He didn't feel it was right.
I guess maybe I'll just keep my money and see what happens.
Since you are 29, I'm going to assume he is somewhere around that age. If he has to send you texts when talking about a relationship, then I think he's got other issues to deal with in his life besides being broke. It sounds like he's got a really low self esteem, so he hides behind texting when talking about anything too involved. With that said, it sounds to me like he genuinely does not want your money. He is clearly embarrassed because of what I mentioned earlier. I don't think the relationship would work mainly because of his self value hes portraying, not so much about the money.
quick edit: I agree with most people here in saying your best option is to give a relationship a try, but don't spend money on him.
Last edited by Mahatma; 10th June 2008 at 2:41 PM.
I used to give * broke guys * a chance too many times. I just don't want someone who struggles , has no car . I know , I know , that sounds mean but I did both sides of the fence.
This guys is either a very sorry sad guy who deserved the dinner you bought him or he is a clever user who knows exactly what he is doing
Believe him when he says he is not ready for a relationship . Do not TRY to convince him otherwise.
I have bought poor guy friends concert tickets because I really wanted to go and wanted them to see the show since they were so broke.
But as a general rule : They ALWAYS seem to be broke , even when I contact them ( or they me ) years later...
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"how do you gently break up with someone???..
Thats like saying how do I gently drive a monster truck through a china/glass/crystal shop.
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I really have not talked to him at all this week besides small talk about how my day is and things like that. I did ask him why he doesn't just call. His response is he has a pay as you go phone so it doesn't take so many minutes off his phone when he texts. I guess it could be possible.
Anyways, I am agree that he does have a low self esteem right now. I really just let him know that if he needs someone to talk with or vent to that he is more than welcome to call me. I am really just going to leave it at that.
As far as helping him by loaning him money. He is going to straighten it out on his own. He did give me a little of the story and then he stops becuase again he is embarrassed by it.
The best thing I can do for him is be a friend. I think the more someone believes in him the more he will believe in himself. Depressed he is for sure depressed.
I really have not talked to him at all this week besides small talk about how my day is and things like that. I did ask him why he doesn't just call. His response is he has a pay as you go phone so it doesn't take so many minutes off his phone when he texts. I guess it could be possible.
Anyways, I am agree that he does have a low self esteem right now. I really just let him know that if he needs someone to talk with or vent to that he is more than welcome to call me. I am really just going to leave it at that.
As far as helping him by loaning him money. He is going to straighten it out on his own. He did give me a little of the story and then he stops becuase again he is embarrassed by it.
The best thing I can do for him is be a friend. I think the more someone believes in him the more he will believe in himself. Depressed he is for sure depressed.
I understand his depression. You can cook him a nice meal . You can go to the beach. You both can go hiking. Just try not to spend money on him. That feels bad because you know he needs money. But the question is WHY and HOW did he get to the point he is today ?
I was talking with him a little more and he was unemployed for 6 months before he just got this job. However, it seems that about a year before that he was taking out all these pay day loans.
I guess he defaulted on them and they took him to court for wage garnishment. He was using the money to buy clothes, impress people, and things like that. He is mostly sttressed about because they will find out where he works and start taking his money and it did not help that when he found a new job he moved for it.
I have just been here to listen to him and that is about it. I mean really I can't do anything more. The things is he is freaking out over $6000.00 worht of old debt where I explained to him that I have a total with school loans, car payments, credit cards, medical bill, that my debt ranges in the $40,000.00 I said he really needs to learn money management and he will be fine.
If it's really the case that he's not out to use you, then there is something you can give him that he will value more than money: Him feeling accepted by you. Him feeling that you think of him: "I know your bank account isn't bursting at its seams right now, but I still think you're alright."
You won't help help him if you pay any of his bills. Because then he would be inclined to change the habit that put him in this challenging situation in the first place.
Instead you help him by joining him when he laughs. By listening to his venting when he has a (particularly) bad day. And if his bills get out of control, you help him by accompanying him when he applies for benefits.
You two could do things together where his participation wouldn't add a lot of extra expenses. You could rent comedies and invite him. You two could cook together, trying a new recipe. You could bake fresh bread, make sandwitches and go on a picnic. Try a jiggsaw puzzle. Become familar with the public library. Your basic acceptance of him is your greatest gift.
I thought I would give everyone an update here. Well its been awhile and this guy and I will text alot and talk on the phone once in awhile. It always seems to be about money. I have not gave him a large amount I did give him $20.00 so he could get gass in his car.
Anyways, I am really starting to feel that all this was about with him was about getting me to help him pay his bills. Lately we will make plans and something will come up for him. I don't mean like plans that will cost alot of money I mean like come over and watch a movie things like that.
I'm not sure how good guys are at playing mind games it just from past relationships I have always given alot and am insecure. Him are not dating and it has come to a point where he bitches about his money problems at me and I can't take it. I have tried to be there for him I guess I am giving up because he does not understand that I don't want to be used for money.
I haven't talked with him in a few days now and he has not tried to contact me either so I think it is time to move on.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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