[Miss Stress]

If you had to chose growing up w/o a mother or growing up w/a mother that hated you, which would you chose?

I was not asked. My mother tried to kill me twice b/f I was even born. But abortions were illegal back then and she failed. I wished for many years that she had been successful.

But I moved to CA about 10 yrs ago and left her and her bi-polar personality behind. I didn't speak to her until my fathers death a few yrs ago. I felt like I should be there for her. We have been communicating ever since and my mental health has deteriorated over this time. I'm trying to put the pieces together to determine if she is a factor or a cause.

She is bi-polar and manic depressive. I begged her to seek help for years only to be told that I was the spawn of Satan and why should she listen to Satan. Ummm ... yeah ... ok.

I mean, I can certainly see where she was coming from. I left home at 16, put myself thru highschool, worked 4 jobs to put myself thru college, was an Art Director at a major university, sat on numerous boards for public service and volunteered for charity events. I worked 6 days a week and volunteered on the 7th. She was making a valid point ... right?!!!!!!

One minute I am her daughter and she loves me no matter what. The next day, I worship the Devil and secretly wishes she was dead. She has been like this since I was born.

But all those years I did not speak to her, I felt like a bad person. A child is supposed to love their parents, no matter what. I have no feelings for her. I feel sorry for her. But I'm about as close to her as someone you run into every now and then at the grocery store. She has never had a brain for me to rent space from. There was nothing there to develop a relationship with.

Over the past few years, I have only been able to correspond w/her by pretending none of this has ever happened. She admits to NOTHING. Which is also a symptom. Often times, I pretend to care about things I don't just to keep peace. Which is what I did when I was a child. I had to pretend to be something that I wasn't in order to keep peace. I had to pretend to love God and all her religious fanatical hypocritical crap!

Now ... I am back doing the same. When I left home I made a promise to myself that I would never again lie or pretend to be something I am not just to win someones approval. That has been a difficult promise to keep. But now, I am breaking that promise often by communicating with her in a way that is peaceful. I'm not allowed to express myself in any way that isn't affirmation. She is "God's" mouthpiece, so to disagree w/her is to worship the Devil.

She sent me an em yesterday that sent me to a dark place. I was in such a happy mood and she just took me somewhere that I didn't want to go. And then I realized that I was diagnosed w/depression and anxiety disorder about the same time as I starting communicating w/her again.

I don't know what to do. This is not a human being that is capable of having a rational conversation. So logic is out of the question.

Anyone been here????? Thx