[abc973]

Having grown up as a son in an English household, I've always been a very private person. I'm also a very introverted person, having more interest in being by myself, rather than around people. I suppose the phrase "you always want what you don't have" rings true, because I've always wanted to be more extroverted and social. Certain events concerning my education and employment have invaded my personal life (which I believe to this day had no right to do so). Nevertheless, once again my attention has been brought to focus on my personality - to be more approachable, friendly, sociable, positive, etc. In light of this, I have endevoured to join social clubs (e.g. music, sport) relevant to me to go out and meet people, and ultimately change myself for the better.

I have always been a logical person, and I suppose this may be one of the aspects that have hindered me socially. If a person doesn't act/react logically to something I say/do/observe, then it doesn't make sense to me. I am able to observe things analytically, and understand why a person acts/reacts the way they do (this take a while though), but I know that I would never act/react the same way, and I know I am different in this respect (I hope this makes sense).

Anyway, to the point of my post. Since high school, once in a blue moon I have had instances where people have inferred (to my face even rarer) their judgement of my sexuality to be homosexual. Usually I am able to shrug this off and continue being me, yet understandingly once in a while it irritates me, and even makes me question myself (not sure if this can be called insecurity). I'm not a homophobe, although undue attention from homosexual men can make me a little uncomfortable. While I may be more effeminate than masculine I don't believe I was born gay, and I certainly don't choose to be. Anyway, in one of my social clubs, I have acted out of character in order to achieve the "self-improvement" that I am undergoing, and in doing so I may have given the impression to some that I am gay.

There's a part of me that says: "Let them think what they want, be yourself, continue on your path, and don't try to prove anything". Yet there's another part of me that says: "Not again, try to think of some lie that would explain your actions, try to prove that they've thought wrong". I would like to think that no harm has come of this, but evidently it has - how I feel, and in how people now act around me (although the latter may be attributable to my confrontational persona).

In situations like this, how should a person act/react? What method of thinking should a person adopt? Am I being too analytical? Am I blowing this out of proportion? Should I care how others perceive me?

[Chrome Barracuda]

If your not gay, just say so.

The thing is your probably giving off gay vibes. But if your not dont sweat what other people are saying.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

If you like yourself and it seems to be working for you, then keep doing it. If you feel the need to tell people you're not gay, then do so.

There is a wide spectrum of behavior. People are expected to conform to certain behaviors that are "Masculine" or "feminine". Life is more interesting with people who bend the rules and go their own way.

[Taramere]

Originally Posted by abc973

In situations like this, how should a person act/react? What method of thinking should a person adopt? Am I being too analytical? Am I blowing this out of proportion? Should I care how others perceive me?

There's an inherent irony in these questions. You're asking strangers on a board who you should be, whether you're dwelling too much on this matter and if you should care about how others view you. How about striking out the word "should"? That'll instantly help to bring a bit of clarity...because that word is all about other people's values, perceptions and expectations, and it sounds as though that's troubling you right now.

I'm not saying other people's values, expectations and perceptions of you can't provide some useful guidance, or that you should be totally dismissive of them...but at the moment it sounds as though you need to focus on strengthening your sense of self. It's when you don't have a strong sense of your own identity that you start getting bogged down by perceptions and criticisms that other people throw at you.

That's when you can start internalising even the most wildly inaccurate messages people give you about yourself. The better you know yourself, and the stronger your sense of self, the easier other people's perceptions of you become to handle. The less they matter.

That's what you term a strong ego. The word "egotistical" tends to be thrown out as an insult....mainly because people who are relatively unconcerned about what others think of them are far harder to control, which can potentially be a major problem - eg the psychopath who has no regard for social norms, coupled with a lack of empathy, can be a dangerous creature. However, barring the psychopathic personality (or other behavioural disorders) egotism is a pretty healthy thing.

We're discouraged from thinking that, however...and some groups in society are under more pressure than others to avoid being egotistical. The more other people perceive you as someone who can, should or needs to be controlled, the more energy they'll put into encouraging you to believe/internalise their perceptions of you. To be less egotistical.

You're introverted. That in itself often opens the door to other people bombarding you with the perceptions they have of you. In your case, a frequent perception is that you're gay (a perception that tends to be commonly thrown out about any man who other people find a little difficult to fathom). This conflicts with what you think or know about yourself.

It's natural to become irritated when people make incorrect assumptions about you...but I guess the more you display that irritation, the more people will assume the role of amateur psychoanalyst and tell you that you're in the closet. Adopting some kind of zen-like approach where you just let people have their perceptions about you without getting drawn into being defensive - however erroneous the perceptions might be - could feel frustrating for a while, but ultimately I think it'll liberate you.

[abc973]

Thankyou for replying everyone, and I'm sorry for my late reply. To Chrome Barracuda - I suppose the one reason for not publicly stating that I am not gay is potential misinterpretation of my perception - that any action could actually confirm beliefs or bring about altogether new problems. I understand your point however - that sometimes people (i.e. myself) can make things so complicated, when the solution is so simple; and within their grasp!

In my situation, I have struck crossed roads concerning my current "self-improvement". This effeminate facet of my personality is potentially something I can do without, and the crux of this thread (replies included of course ) to which other people undoubtedly can relate, is trying to find the balance between being true to yourself, and doing what is best for yourself. Taramere made an excellent point concerning the introverted person and the associated internalising of external perception, perhaps therein lies the answer to my problem (n.b. greater control of that voice in my head ).

On a side note, in relation to my original post, are the events concerning my education and employment. I do agree that egotism can be a positive influence, but I have learned that once again a balance needs to be maintained. A person can be confident and, whether is it true or not, be percieved as arrogant. Qualities such as humility are required for this balance whether they are genuine or not. But then I suppose I'm stepping into narcisistic territory.

While I was initially torn between decisions, I certainly was leaning towards the "zen-like approach" (with an excellent track record it's a personal favourite). And like Cherry Blossom 35 said, "Life is more interesting [when] people [...] bend the rules and go their own way." /sic