GEL
I started a new thread for this because I know that you are one of the very few that had this work out. I think that a lot of these OW that are still in their As could really use a reality check. I have read a lot of your posts, but I was wondering how long it actually took for your MM (former now) to actually leave. I know that my situation was not about to work out, but I think that some of the OW on here really do believe that there is a chance. Maybe, they need to see what a relationship that worked out actually looked like. I have seen so many women on here say that he hasn't left yet, but it won't be much longer. I realize that you may not be the standard, but if the MM is going to leave what time frame are they actually looking at.
My A lasted far too long, so it isn't me that I am worried about. Trust me, he is finally in the past, and I couldn't be happier. So many nights were spent crying about him. I only post this because I think that some of the other women might benefit. Three and a half years and two kids later, he still never left. Let's get them a realistic time frame. Maybe, then some of them will make the right decision for themselves.
Initially when MM and I met, all I wanted was a brief fling. But that soon morphed into an ongoing, but part-time and LD, R, which suited me perfectly. I was really happy with how things were and didn't want a thing to change. And then... after a visit where we spent more than a month living together, full-time, all day every day, we had difficulty saying goodbye at the airport and we both realised that we wanted something more. We'd been together about 2 and a half years by then, and had spent many chunks of time together several times a year - but usually under fairly artificial conditions, travellling, holidaying, staying in hotels and guest houses and holiday apartments... while this was real.
So, we spoke about it and decided we wanted to be together - full-time, long-term. It took a while for that negotiation to firm up quite what form that would take - about a month and a half - and to decide what kind of timelines would be feasible (with kids, jobs, etc, given that at least one of us would have to move a considerable distance). Once decided, it took a couple more months to get everything in place and then he dumped the W and moved out. (He'd been prepping her before hand - trying to get her into counselling with him and the kids around the break-up, but she refused to go; she didn't believe him when he said it was over, or that there was someone else - even after he left, she still maintained it was just a threat on his part to get her into counselling.) He's now going through the D - though she's stalling like crazy, finding every excuse not to do what she needs to do around the financial agreement, or the custody arrangements, or anything - so that we can marry (so that visas and work permits can be issued) and be together as we hoped. Meantime we carry on as before, spending chunks of time together, as best we can at this distance.
So, all told - a few years (about three? not sure, he's the one who keeps notes of those kinds of things, and does the anniversary number! Men! ) but since we decided we wanted to be together, a few months. How much longer the D will take I can't say, but we've discussed Plan B if she stalls too much longer, so we'll be together soon enough anyway!
OWoman, it is so sweet that you both had a hard time letting go after spending that whole month together. You'd think you'd both been sick of each other, but you weren't. That's when you know it's love.
Congrats and enjoy.
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"Life is too short not to love and too long to be miserable!"
OWoman
I don't know all of the others that actually had it work out. I am happy for you though. I just know that some of the people around here hold on for too long. I wish I had had a time frame to go off of. It might have helped me make the right decision earlier.
OWoman
I don't know all of the others that actually had it work out. I am happy for you though. I just know that some of the people around here hold on for too long. I wish I had had a time frame to go off of. It might have helped me make the right decision earlier.
Personally, I gave MM until FEB 08, to make things happen. As a matter of fact, I used GEL's words to make a point. I said to him, "make a plan and make it happen, you are not making me happier". Thats when he started to move his feet. By Feb, lawyers and all were involved, xw knew things were heading south and she wanted to prolong the inevitable (with or without me, he wanted out).
I told him that if we are planning on getting pregnant in August, I wanted to know when he was going to be single. He said that by June he would have sorted everything out. Needless to say, he has done a pretty good job.
Now its just a matter of formalities.
In a nutshell, what did I learn from GEL, OWoman and others on here........communicate and don't flip flop just to give him his way.
Even though I never used GEL's words on MM, I thought about them repeatedly. I'm not the demanding kind, but if that time ever comes I will be quoting her. GEL is a GEM.
Honestly, it takes a long time...Doesn't mean that if you wait, it'll happen...But for those of you thinking he'll leave within 6 months to a year, honestly, not going to happen...
It took me over 2 and half years to give him the "serious" ultimatum that I was leaving for good if he was staying married...He believed me and then everything was in motion...We moved in together 6 months later...
So it definitely takes patience, sacrifice and true love...And most of all it takes knowing that the one you're with, is the only one for you...If you're not treated like you are the most precious woman in the universe, then he is not the one...
Because when a man truly loves you, he will never leave you wondering...
Even though I never used GEL's words on MM, I thought about them repeatedly. I'm not the demanding kind, but if that time ever comes I will be quoting her. GEL is a GEM.
Awww, you're so sweet!
And when you're ready, I have tons more words for ya!
GEL's right (as always) . Its not easy and it does have to be true complete love and respect IMO, otherwise bitterness and resentment will eat you up along the way.
I think its not just the MM that has to decide. Its the OW who also has to get into the ultimatum mindset. I eventually did and MM left. It took two years from the first day I laid eyes on him.
We're making a go of it now and our relationship is great. Waiting was hard, empty and terrifying, but I reap the rewards every time I look into his eyes, see his love and know we were right to be together.
Those who say "if he doesn't leave in 6 months he never will" are wrong in some respects - six months was our first amazing six months. It was after all of the pain, all of the emotional attachment and all of our experiences that he was ready to make an informed decision on the rest of his life and how he wanted it to be. And I'm glad that we went through that together because it's made us so close, so able to understand each other and so willing to work on our future together.
So far, is it fair to say it takes 2-3 years for MM to make a decision to leave? Of course we only have a few posters here and we don't know all the MMs stats but so far that seems to be the trend.
I told him that if we are planning on getting pregnant in August, I wanted to know when he was going to be single. He said that by June he would have sorted everything out. Needless to say, he has done a pretty good job.
Can I ask? Why the rush to get pregnant? So soon after he divorces his wife?
Can I ask? Why the rush to get pregnant? So soon after he divorces his wife?
We don't regard it as rushing. Thats what we want. Its subject to change, the calendar seems to favor August for the both of us. You also have to understand that even though we have been dating for 7 months (give or take) we have known each other for a long time. We got together knowing what we were looking for.
If we decide not to get pregnant this August, then it will be next August.
We don't regard it as rushing. Thats what we want. Its subject to change, the calendar seems to favor August for the both of us. You also have to understand that even though we have been dating for 7 months (give or take) we have known each other for a long time. We got together knowing what we were looking for.
If we decide not to get pregnant this August, then it will be next August.
You want a summer baby (I'm assuming you're in the northern hemisphere?). Seems like a sensible plan, to me.
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) to actually leave. I know that my situation was not about to work out, but I think that some of the OW on here really do believe that there is a chance. Maybe, they need to see what a relationship that worked out actually looked like. I have seen so many women on here say that he hasn't left yet, but it won't be much longer. I realize that you may not be the standard, but if the MM is going to leave what time frame are they actually looking at. 
) but since we decided we wanted to be together, a few months. How much longer the D will take I can't say, but we've discussed Plan B if she stalls too much longer, so we'll be together soon enough anyway!
. Its not easy and it does have to be true complete love and respect IMO, otherwise bitterness and resentment will eat you up along the way. 
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