[OWoman]

Someone very dear to me was diagnosed a few years back - out of the blue - with stomach cancer. He had his stomach and some other bits removed, and subsequent tests showed it was contained, he was in the clear. He's had some ongoing health problems since (he's getting on in years, so that happens) but nothing alarming.

Recently he suddenly lost a great deal of weight and started experiencing persistent pain. When he got to the doctor he was rushed in to hospital, and is currently undergoing surgery - though it's for palliative measures, as the cancer, they now say, is inoperable. It snuck back and spread, and it's just a matter of time.

He's being a real trooper and not letting on how terrified and devastated he MUST be feeling by this news - we all thought it was over - but the rest of us are shell-shocked.

He's a very private person, a man of great dignity and I want to respect that, but need to make sure he gets the support he needs and that he has the space he needs to speak - or not speak - as he wants; that he's physically comfortable without being crowded; that his wishes are articulated and respected.

Has anyone been close to someone dying in this (or similar) manner, with some advice on what to be aware of, what to watch out for or what may or may not help? He's not the kind of person to speak up or make demands, but I feel that at this stage of his life his wishes should be paramount, and want to know what they might be if he's not going to vocalise them himself.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. Cancer sucks!!!!

You and your friends who know him can help in smaller ways - Organize various light meals for him daily and drop them off. Try to make this time more pleasent rather than hoping he'll open up and talk..

Does he have any family close by?

Problem with proud men who do things on their own and hate to ask for help is, they won't ever ask for it and chances are when it's offered, they'll say no anyway, just because it's who they are. I'm not sure how to get through to someone like that? Maybe just take charge and TELL him "this is what's going to happen..." and just do it. He'll have no choice but to accept (and probably be grateful for it too) all depends on how far along he is and how he's feeling. I know when my father was dying of cancer, he was stubborn as heck, but closer to the end he had no choice but to lighten up and let everyone help.

[blind_otter]

My father sounds very much like the man you described. He suffered with lung cancer for a little over a year before he passed away, and during that time had most of his left lung removed.

Does he have a partner who will be there as his primary caregiver, or is he going through this alone?

With the meals - well I don't know, you should really consult him about that before just bringing them over. The cancer took away my Dad's appetite pretty viciously, especially at the end, and the drugs he was taking for pain also reduced his appetite. I seem to remember him drinking a lot of various fluids, although in the beginning he did eat a little.

My mother was my Dad's primary caregiver, she is a trained geriatric nurse practitioner so this was in some ways her area of speciality. In that respect, I don't know much about they day-to-day stuff, she handled everything so well and he was very receptive to her suggestions and such.

Mostly I would sit with him, every day, for at least 30 minutes if not longer. I guess I tried to normalize his experience. We would chat about everything during those times, sometimes he would touch on his mortality and experience of dying, other times it would be a debate about some historical fact. It was a very emotionally intense experience.

Is Hospice involved? They did a great job in helping ease the transition for both my father individually and the family as a group.

I forgot to add - the writings about death and dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross were really helpful for me to understand the emotional process that terminally ill patients go through.

[Sweetcheripie]

I'm so sorry for you and your friend. My Aunt just passed away in March of Stomach Cancer - it really is horrible.

Hospice was wonderful and they are a great contact for friends too. Was his surgery for a j tube or to remove the fluid? How old is your friend and does he live alone? If he lives alone - he will need hospice involved immediately. I'm so sorry to tell you this but this is one very aggressive cancer.

My Aunt never had much pain but the nausea was unbearable. Jamba Juice, popsicles (not too sweet ones) was about all she wanted. She became pretty unsociable - it hurt people but it was just too exhausting for her. But she really appreciated letters and cards.

Please tell him the things you want to say, let him know what a wonderful person he is and what you appreciate about him. Also, try not to say anything about fighting - it really upset my aunt. People had the best intentions and were trying to be supportive but she internalized it like it was her fault that she couldn't "beat" this. This is where Hospice was so phenomenal - they really helped me to know what to say and do. I just can't stress how quickly this cancer takes over. He is probably shocked too. My aunt didn't have any symptoms until it was way too late (Stage 4 inoperable) - she was diagnosed in January and passed away the end of March.

Again, I'm so sorry. There is a website that was a really great comfort to me - google cancer support board and then go to the stomach cancer area.

[OWoman]

Thanks all!

The surgery was to bypass the blockage - they made no attempt to remove the cancer, which they said was too entwined. He's been given a timescale of 3 - 12 months to live. He seems to be taking the news better than the rest of us, but perhaps that's due to the drugs.

He lives alone - with a cat - but has someone who pops in to help out. He's not been keen on hospice before, but may reconsider now that it's all so imminent. Thanks for that tip, I'll follow up on it.

[lyssa]

Originally Posted by OWoman

He lives alone - with a cat - but has someone who pops in to help out. He's not been keen on hospice before, but may reconsider now that it's all so imminent. Thanks for that tip, I'll follow up on it.

Hi OWoman,

Will you be able to keep him company now and then? I think it would be nice to pop in and see how he is doing.

[quankanne]

hospice is incredible, in terms of the assistance they provide on the physical and psychological fronts. My dad's been under hospice care since February, and that team has been a godsend because the nurses come out twice a week and the chaplain once a week to see him. And are on call 24/7 even if we've got the dumbest question to ask. Mostly, it's knowing that you've got a solid back-up team in the event you want or need it ... just talking to the nurses about how to deal with his pain or handle certain situations as they arise has been reassuring; Sister (the Catholic chaplain) must have some kind of psychology background because she cuts through the thick to address the things that bother or upset my dad, and she can get through to him when we are not able.

I think the best thing you can do to help your friend is to merely be present. Of course, because he's hurting, he's not going to want you to see him in his need, but I think just even knowing you're down the hall or in the room when he's feeling bad gives him a sense of assurance like nothing else can. With my dad, it's knowing that someone is there to take him to Walmart when he wants to go, cook whatever he wants whenever he wants and just having someone in the house with him. And knowing there's someone to talk to when he's feeling bad about being so sick. Or to reassure him when he's scared.

that you are even asking how to help is a wonderful thing in itself, OW, because it means your buddy has one definite person who is there for him.