First, I wish again to apologize to anyone I may have offended, particularly Owl and SM. I have been a “lurker” for quite a while, and I can assure you that my tirade was not directed at the majority of those who responded to me. In an olive-branch effort, I will type in paragraphs just for you, my new fine feathered friend.
As for my definition of “support” and what I was looking for here, I’m not sure exactly but commiseration is a part of it. It certainly wasn’t advice like I found in some of the posts that I was frenzying over. I thought I’d find a lot more “you did the right thing by ending it, I know you’re hurting, be strong, everybody screws up, you can do it,” and instead I found more than a fair amount of “you are a bad person with bad values and MOI would never even consider doing something so egregious and you basically got what you deserved, Hester Pryne.”
I just can’t reiterate enough that, although I’m sure it wasn’t intended as such, that type of “support” does NO good, at least for me. Had I come seeking advice on what to do, perhaps it may have had merit. But as I said in the last post, it’s akin to chastising someone dying of lung cancer for making the decision to smoke in the first place, or berating an unwed mother who feels like she just ruined her life and thinking you’re honestly helping her feel better by telling her she never should have slept with the sorry creep initially. Kinda falls in the “duh” category, don’t you think?
A few points of clarification. While I can understand and appreciate your presumptions, Owl, I can assure you my husband knows about the EA. I am not at all trying to avoid hard decisions. Telling him WAS hard. But let me tell you what was HARDER. Walking away from the man who will evermore own my heart as he cried and begged me not too was harder. Knowing that all it will take is a text message saying “I changed my mind,” and we could live the rest of our lives together but maintaining NC is harder. Trading in a love that was rare and unique and real and EASY for my own marriage which is currently mundane and ordinary and will certainly be WORK if it’s ever going to improve was harder. Doing the friggin’ right thing is harder. The one and only part of me that currently feels good is my conscience.
I’d also like to clarify that when I said that certain BSs deflect the entire blame for any role they may have played in the demise of their relationship, I was referring to MY H, not HIS W. I have never and will never bash her. He may have, but I defended her and explained that rather than talk to ME about the way he feels, he should talk to HER. In fact, other than the one minor exception of stealing her husband’s heart, I’ve treated her with the utmost respect. (That was my feeble, manic and ridiculously inappropriate attempt at comic relief, forgive me…..).
Neverending said in the other thread that she would NEVER entertain the thought of having an A. We have that in common, Mother Theresa…neither would I! Don’t EVER think it can’t happen to you. I am currently living in a real life example of one spouse’s needs being completely met so therefore he thinks everything is fine and my unhappiness makes no sense. I just told you he knows about the EA, but he honestly doesn’t think it’s nearly as big of a deal as I do, and as long as I didn’t sleep with the guy, he doesn’t mind if I continue it. I can assure you that I remember a time when even the very idea of any kind of intimacy, emotional or otherwise, with a man besides my husband was absurd. Make no mistake---the starving will find sustenance.
I think the main issue is this: I can, do, and will continue to empathize with his W, my H, and all the other BSs out there. It’s easy to do that. Your pain and suffering is easy to understand and easy to sympathize with. You’re the innocent victims, and so it’s not really a far reach to feel sorry for what you have gone/are going through. I guess maybe I’m asking for you to stretch and possibly try to empathize with us in a similar regard. I voluntarily walked away from great love 11 days ago to take the moral high ground, and I am palpably sad. I found The One, and can’t have him. Every country song or those sung by Barry Mannilow make sense to me today. I am also causing absolutely excruciating pain in a man I love so much that I can’t breathe, and can’t even call and check on him to see how he’s coping. Just because you’ve never been to Madison County doesn’t mean the bridges there aren’t beautiful.
Thanks for giving a hoot, Owl (pun intended…it’s almost impossibly to resist) and all you other well meaning people out there. If I ever need a reality check, I know where to find one, but right now what I’d like is a little old fashioned comfort and sensitivity as I go through the most primitive, acute, raw agony of my life. There's a lot of merit in some of the things I've read, and many of them I plan to try. One of them is throwing most of my newly freed up time, effort, and energy into fixing my marriage. But please indulge me this tiny piece that needs to focus HERE on feeling better because even a dirty, soiled, adulterous disgrace like myself has enough class to avoid seeking solace and understanding from her husband whilst she mourns the loss of her boyfriend...
And I thoroughly love to have a battle of the wits, but refuse to when my opponent is unarmed.
Last edited by Remorseful; 8th May 2008 at 10:46 PM.
This is a hard road to travel. Know that you are now doing the right thing. I realize that you need some comfort. Trust me, you can find it here. I have actually received some amazing support through this board. Sometimes it just takes a little time for people to get to "know" you here. Once people realize that you aren't just "blowing smoke" they will calm down. You have to remember that it is difficult for people to really know you online.
I also want to give you credit for trying to find solace some place other than your H in this particular case. You cannot exactly throw yourself into his arms and cry. It would be insensitive and uncaring of you to do so. You just need a kind word. I am trying to provide that. It is hard. It gets worse before it gets better, but it does get better. Day after day, the pain isn't quite as bad as it was. One day (at least I hope) you will wake up and realize that it was a mistake. Maybe, it won't be a mistake that you necessarily regret, but a mistake that you learned from. Maybe, you will be able to strengthen your marriage because of this mistake. I just hope that you stay strong. Each day will get easier. Each day will give you a new perspective. Hugs to you.
Your post is one of the most emotive posts I've read so far. I am truly sorry for the pain you are suffering and hope that you recover soon. I also hope that more people read it and understand that emotional pain is universal and as such we should all empathize with whomever is experiencing it without casting blame or passing judgement.
Marlena
__________________ I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it. Voltaire
Remorseful, I can completely appreciate your post, and everything you had to say in it.
Well thought out, and clearly gets your point across.
(and thanks...the paragraphs helped these old eyes tremendously! )
FWIW, I really can "see" where you're coming from. Getting over the end of a love relationship...REGARDLESS of its origins...is very, very emotionally painful. And facing the concept of trying to recover your marriage while still dealing with the loss of your relationship with OM is extremely daunting at this point...I can imagine. I also saw my wife in that exact same situation too.
From my perspective, you ARE trying to do the right things. You've started down the path to REAL personal recovery. That means accepting responsibility for your actions and their impacts on those around you (your H, OM, and OM's wife). You're doing that...and I'm sure its NOT a fun place to be, at the moment.
Don't expect everything to be rosy anytime soon. But realize that it CAN be that...in time.
Your marriage may or may not recover. That's not all in your control...but as long as you're HONESTLY giving it the best effort you can (right now, that's not much, and not easy...given where you're at at the moment, this shouldn't surprise anyone), you can at least move forward knowing you're DOING YOUR BEST, and you're giving it that best effort.
A good marriage counselor might help both you and your H...not just to recover your marriage, but to start your own personal recoveries as well. I dont' recommend IC's yet, because often their focus is so narrowed down on to the individual, that they destroy any hope the marriage might have had.
Work on finding ways to rebuild yourself...and let your H rebuild himself. And try to ensure that these ways aren't detrimental to your marriage's chances too. (in other words...taking "time away" that leads to an opportunity to resume contact with OM is a BAD thing...but starting a new hobby or resuming an old one that is something you can focus on by yourself is a good idea)
Hang in there...you're in the early stages of things. There's no requirement to make a permanant decision at this moment...for now, just focus on getting through the next few weeks by being completely honest with your H on where things are at...and let him be that way with you.
And take "time off" from talking about the affair, about the marriage...allow some time for discussion of that, and then take some time to NOT talk about it, but just try to be with your H without any expectations on either side.
You ARE doing good, and moving in the right directions...just remember this is a marathon...not a sprint.
And to WWIU...you know darned well I'm about as "wise" as a rock!!! The only good thing about me is that I really do try to "give a hoot". Hehehehe
__________________
Wise...no. Been through enough to have learned to value wisdom...certainly!
Remorseful - I lurked a long long time here before I ever posted - At the time I joined I was in a very very bad place and I wasn't prepared to post my story in depth (and still haven't) after seeing a lot of the kneejerk BS (and 'reformed OW') responses.
I was already devastated enough without the posts of that nature I'm sure my situation would have engendered.
That said - even just lurking and reading was a GREAT help and now while I'm still hurting and wondering 'why' I'm definitely in a better place than I was nearly a year ago.
In some ways it's a similar story to yours except that I'm not M and in my case it was sMM who went NC after some limited contact at first for practical reasons and all it would take would be contact from him saying that going back was a mistake.
A few points of clarification. While I can understand and appreciate your presumptions, Owl, I can assure you my husband knows about the EA. I am not at all trying to avoid hard decisions. Telling him WAS hard. But let me tell you what was HARDER. Walking away from the man who will evermore own my heart as he cried and begged me not too was harder.
So this other man will forever own your heart eh? Well then why don't you just get a divorce?
Or better yet, tell your husband this other man will always own your heart and let him make the decision to get rid of someone that is in love with someone else, or forever be a cuckold so you can continue this charade of being a good role model to your daughters.
I mean really, if this other man will forever have your heart, why wouldn't you let your husband go so he can find someone that loves him and only him?
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Knowing that all it will take is a text message saying “I changed my mind,” and we could live the rest of our lives together but maintaining NC is harder. Trading in a love that was rare and unique and real and EASY for my own marriage which is currently mundane and ordinary and will certainly be WORK if it’s ever going to improve was harder. Doing the friggin’ right thing is harder. The one and only part of me that currently feels good is my conscience.
But you aren't doing the right thing in my opinion. You are probably not telling your husband the REAL reason you are staying in the marriage.....and it aint for him. If he knew that, I doubt he'd want to stay married to you. Unless he would just not rather lose certain things like money, house, security of family...whatever.
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I’d also like to clarify that when I said that certain BSs deflect the entire blame for any role they may have played in the demise of their relationship, I was referring to MY H, not HIS W.
Ah, so you are saying this is your husband's fault? in the other post you care so little to even mention him in your initial post while giving the OM all your concern, but then come back and tell us all what a wonderful man your husband is and that the worst thing about your marriage is that it became a little boring.
Now you are saying he is deflecting blame. Please make up your mind what kind of husband you really have here.
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Neverending said in the other thread that she would NEVER entertain the thought of having an A. We have that in common, Mother Theresa…neither would I! Don’t EVER think it can’t happen to you.
It can't, and it never will. I can say that and mean it.
Never cheated, never will. If I am ever in a relationship that is so bad I'd want to be with someone else, then I'll end it and be with someone else.
I won't cheat and stay in a R so I can keep up appearances to family and friends.
Quote:
I am currently living in a real life example of one spouse’s needs being completely met so therefore he thinks everything is fine and my unhappiness makes no sense. I just told you he knows about the EA, but he honestly doesn’t think it’s nearly as big of a deal as I do
Thats because you probably aren't telling him the complete truth.
Tell him the only reason you are staying in the marriage is because you want your daughters to think you are perfect.
Better yet, tell him what you told this forum. Tell him the other man will forever "own" your heart. Then see what he thinks.
If he still doesn't care, then all I have to say is, you have yourself a foolish cuckold of a husband. Either way, I sympathize with him. Hell someone has to, because you sure don't. All of your sympathy lies with the OM.
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and as long as I didn’t sleep with the guy, he doesn’t mind if I continue it.
Well gee, then I guess its all good. I guess I don't feel so sorry for him afterall.
Quote:
Thanks for giving a hoot, Owl (pun intended…it’s almost impossibly to resist) and all you other well meaning people out there. If I ever need a reality check, I know where to find one, but right now what I’d like is a little old fashioned comfort and sensitivity as I go through the most primitive, acute, raw agony of my life.
Honestly, why don't you just divorce your husband? I know, you think you are taking the moral high ground. Sorry, you are not. You are staying in a marriage when you know some other man will "own" your heart forever.
Your fool of a husband may not care if you have an EA with another man so he can probably keep his status quo, but whether he knows it or not, it isn't fair to him.
So if you are in this agony, then do the right thing by your husband, no matter how blind he is to all of this, and spare yourself and get a divorce.
Its like Morgan Freeman said as God in Bruce Almighty, "since when did anyone have a clue as to what was good for them?"
The kids will understand in time.
Quote:
There's a lot of merit in some of the things I've read, and many of them I plan to try. One of them is throwing most of my newly freed up time, effort, and energy into fixing my marriage. But please indulge me this tiny piece that needs to focus HERE on feeling better because even a dirty, soiled, adulterous disgrace like myself has enough class to avoid seeking solace and understanding from her husband whilst she mourns the loss of her boyfriend...
Well at least you got that one right.
Last edited by twice_shy; 9th May 2008 at 5:46 PM.
So this other man will forever own your heart eh? Well then why don't you just get a divorce?
Or better yet, tell your husband this other man will always own your heart and let him make the decision to get rid of someone that is in love with someone else, or forever be a cuckold so you can continue this charade of being a good role model to your daughters.
I mean really, if this other man will forever have your heart, why wouldn't you let your husband go so he can find someone that loves him and only him?
But you aren't doing the right thing in my opinion. You are probably not telling your husband the REAL reason you are staying in the marriage.....and it aint for him. If he knew that, I doubt he'd want to stay married to you. Unless he would just not rather lose certain things like money, house, security of family...whatever.
Ah, so you are saying this is your husband's fault? in the other post you care so little to even mention him in your initial post while giving the OM all your concern, but then come back and tell us all what a wonderful man your husband is and that the worst thing about your marriage is that it became a little boring.
Now you are saying he is deflecting blame. Please make up your mind what kind of husband you really have here.
It can't, and it never will. I can say that and mean it.
Never cheated, never will. If I am ever in a relationship that is so bad I'd want to be with someone else, then I'll end it and be with someone else.
I won't cheat and stay in a R so I can keep up appearances to family and friends.
Thats because you probably aren't telling him the complete truth.
Tell him the only reason you are staying in the marriage is because you want your daughters to think you are perfect.
Better yet, tell him what you told this forum. Tell him the other man will forever "own" your heart. Then see what he thinks.
If he still doesn't care, then all I have to say is, you have yourself a foolish cuckold of a husband. Either way, I sympathize with him. Hell someone has to, because you sure don't. All of your sympathy lies with the OM.
Well gee, then I guess its all good. I guess I don't feel so sorry for him afterall.
Honestly, why don't you just divorce your husband? I know, you think you are taking the moral high ground. Sorry, you are not. You are staying in a marriage when you know some other man will "own" your heart forever.
Your fool of a husband may not care if you have an EA with another man so he can probably keep his status quo, but whether he knows it or not, it isn't fair to him.
So if you are in this agony, then do the right thing by your husband, no matter how blind he is to all of this, and spare yourself and get a divorce.
Its like Morgan Freeman said as God in Bruce Almighty, "since when did anyone have a clue as to what was good for them?"
The kids will understand in time.
Well at least you got that one right.
Then again, maybe her OM isn't that keen on leaving HIS M ?
Then again, maybe her OM isn't that keen on leaving HIS M ?
Either way, it doesn't really matter. She is selfishly staying in the marriage when her heart belongs to another man. Whether the OM wants her or not is irrelevant. Her husband doesn't deserve this.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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