I sit at my computer tonight with a 6 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon on ice, quietly reflecting my past as I ponder future endeavours. Neil Diamond's Greatest Hits emanate from my itunes, and tears stream down my cheeks. Clearly, today is a sad day for me... the definitive end to an integral chapter in my life.
After 33 years in business... my store is finally closing. I have only been an owner for 3 years, but my mother originally owned the business and had it for 30 years before I took over. I have been involved with this business since I was 14 years old... Now it is gone.
My mother never had to worry about money- the store was a hobby for her. If she had a bad month or year, my father was always behind her to pay the bills. Being divorced and single- I don't have that luxury.
I had two wonderful and prosperous years- but the last year as the economy began to sink and people began spending less money on higher end retail items... I have noticed a shocking decline in business. So, the past 3 months I have found myself unable to pay my suppliers and my bills. I am also in danger of losing my loft because I have not been able to take a paycheque from my business since last September.
Today, I moved my things from the store that have meaning and value to me, handed in my keys and left the rest to the forclosure experts to deal with tomorrow. Failure, shame, fear... those were my emotions as I locked my door for the last time.
It's not so much leaving the business that bothers me as much as it is the shame associated with failing. When I divorced my husband- I jumped into the business with two feet with monumental dreams and starry eyed aspirations. I had to make a choice between a Master's program and running a business- and I chose the latter.... then I failed.
I do have two degrees, and two diplomas... and I know I am capable of finding a job and making a life for myself. I just don't know what that job looks like right now.
It just scares the hell out of me to be stepping into the unknown. I am 38, single, and starting over again....again! A very sad day.
This endeavour was something that I believed would bring me great happiness and worth, Yet here I sit, starting over yet again.
I cannot help but think that there is something I am destined to shine forth in. That elusive perfect fit for me...
Neither the Pabst Blue Ribbon, nor Mr. Neil Diamond can negate the sadness and fear that permeate my inner thoughts this evening.
I struggle painfully with the notion that I gave up- that I left suppliers unpaid and my integrity in question. I emote for them as much as I do for myself and my own losses.
I know you are sad but that was beautifully written.
I raise my glass of wine to you and to new beginnings! By the way, I will be moving back to Toronto in September... We definitely have to finally meet. My place or yours.
big big hugs.
And cry all you want. Bf and I broke up and I find crying really really helps.
and just because I study in a field related to education: we never fail, we always learn.
this is true and wise ... our greatest leaders and most succesful people all have had experiances that might be considered failures to some people. however for them, they learned and used that experiance to succeed in new opportunities.
I read in Glamour magazine that there is a course at Harvard called the Psychology of Happiness. The blurp was a spiel of the research the professor presented in class. One of the research had proven that people who aren't afraid of failure are happier, but also that most successful people had been confronted to failure more frequently then the general population. It made sense to me.
I read in Glamour magazine that there is a course at Harvard called the Psychology of Happiness. The blurp was a spiel of the research the professor presented in class. One of the research had proven that people who aren't afraid of failure are happier, but also that most successful people had been confronted to failure more frequently then the general population. It made sense to me.
summed up in some common cliches ...
nothing ventured, nothing gained.
everyshot you dont take is a guaranteed to not be a goal.
you cant hit homerun without swinging the bat, but you can strike out.
I left job where my I was stably employed although I had gone as far as I would go in that company. I left benefits, a very good salary, paid vacation, sick leave etc. Some "goings on" in the company did not sit well with me, but I could have stayed and continued to make a decent living there.
I had operated a small business on the side for a while to get a little extra cash. I quit my day job, and turned my side business into a full time operation. No job stability, benefits, paid vacation, sick leave, etc. I was and still am completely on my own. I opted to not go for a higher degree as it would have taken me out of active work for 4 years while others stayed in and advanced. I still don't know if that was the best move, but I am making my decision work for me.
It was pretty scary at first - especially considering those that depend on me, but it has been about 6 years now and business is very good. I have even had to turn down some work, and now some other possible ventures are opening up for me.
My point is not to gloat, but just to say that you do need to believe in yourself. You will make things work. The answers may not be clear at first, and you might need some stepping stones to get to where you want to be.
Don't feel shame in your business. You ran an honest business, and the market place is what caused it to fail. It was not you. It is a tough time to be in retail and even tougher for small shops. But you did not come away empty handed - you do have a wealth of experience that many others will not get to have.
Now you need to take inventory of yourself, and work your people network. Maybe consider that Masters part time while you do another job, or start in an entirely new career path on something that is a true passion... or find another business that needs management, but don't hang your head. You should look up because as you said yourself, your future is up in the air, and not down on the ground.
I know you are sad but that was beautifully written.
I raise my glass of wine to you and to new beginnings! By the way, I will be moving back to Toronto in September... We definitely have to finally meet. My place or yours.
big big hugs.
And cry all you want. Bf and I broke up and I find crying really really helps.
and just because I study in a field related to education: we never fail, we always learn.
Hi Kami-
You are right, crying does help. I stifle it way too much...
I know you and I would have so much to talk about if we met!
If I could make a living writing- I would!! But alas, I cannot.
Thanks for your hugs and concern. Just a bad day for me- as I know you have experienced lately both personally and professionally.
I hope to be moving to Toronto! So we should definitely meet up!
My background in University is Religious studies and History... lol. It should have been business.....lol. My dad is prompting me to go back for my Master's. What is your specialty?
Thanks again for answering Kam... you were the first person to answer me when I found LS 2 years ago- and I'll never forget your sentiment.
here we are both again- at a crossroad eh? (eh..hehe... very Canadian).
I'm so sorry. For some reason, your post reminded me of "You've Got Mail" as your story is very similar. She had run a bookstore that her mom had run before her, and she was forced to close due to sales going down.
I know it's only a movie, but well, it could be your reality.
She went on to have all sorts of other opportunities come her way due to having to close, and I believe you will too.
Sometimes, it takes something like this, to force us to change.
Back when I lost my job in 2003 to layoff, I wondered if I'd ever find another job, because while I had worked in the field, my degree was unrelated. Well, i ended up finding a new job, within a few months, and I have progressed even farther in my career, and even like my job better (though hate the commute lol) than previous. So, it really all does happen for a reason. It just sucks to wait for that reason to come about sometimes.
Maybe take a little time to yourself, look for a job, and focus on you. Maybe get some sun, the weather is getting really nice. Take advantage of whatever you can!
In the meantime, we are all here for you, as always.
__________________
"Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option." - Unknown
You are right, crying does help. I stifle it way too much...
I know you and I would have so much to talk about if we met!
If I could make a living writing- I would!! But alas, I cannot.
Thanks for your hugs and concern. Just a bad day for me- as I know you have experienced lately both personally and professionally.
I hope to be moving to Toronto! So we should definitely meet up!
My background in University is Religious studies and History... lol. It should have been business.....lol. My dad is prompting me to go back for my Master's. What is your specialty?
Thanks again for answering Kam... you were the first person to answer me when I found LS 2 years ago- and I'll never forget your sentiment.
here we are both again- at a crossroad eh? (eh..hehe... very Canadian).
hugs back...xoxo
Hey we could be roomies!
I study in a weird hybrid and in a very small department. I will pm you the info.
I remember to this day reading your advice on my thread while I was very restless and feeling just so much calmer from the words you wrote.
It's ok to have a bad day, it's even ok to have a bad week. Or a bad month. Ups and down are a normal part of life. I'm finding out it's ok, and even fun, to not always have it together.
I left job where my I was stably employed although I had gone as far as I would go in that company. I left benefits, a very good salary, paid vacation, sick leave etc. Some "goings on" in the company did not sit well with me, but I could have stayed and continued to make a decent living there.
I had operated a small business on the side for a while to get a little extra cash. I quit my day job, and turned my side business into a full time operation. No job stability, benefits, paid vacation, sick leave, etc. I was and still am completely on my own. I opted to not go for a higher degree as it would have taken me out of active work for 4 years while others stayed in and advanced. I still don't know if that was the best move, but I am making my decision work for me.
It was pretty scary at first - especially considering those that depend on me, but it has been about 6 years now and business is very good. I have even had to turn down some work, and now some other possible ventures are opening up for me.
My point is not to gloat, but just to say that you do need to believe in yourself. You will make things work. The answers may not be clear at first, and you might need some stepping stones to get to where you want to be.
Don't feel shame in your business. You ran an honest business, and the market place is what caused it to fail. It was not you. It is a tough time to be in retail and even tougher for small shops. But you did not come away empty handed - you do have a wealth of experience that many others will not get to have.
Now you need to take inventory of yourself, and work your people network. Maybe consider that Masters part time while you do another job, or start in an entirely new career path on something that is a true passion... or find another business that needs management, but don't hang your head. You should look up because as you said yourself, your future is up in the air, and not down on the ground.
You are so very right Rice Cripsies- When it comes down to finances and making ends meet, there is little time to feel sorry for yourself. I gave it my best shot, I worked it hard... but I need to pull a resume together and get a job to keep myself afloat. And I need to do it fast.
I guess what i am most worried about is references! How do I convey a wealth of experience to a potential employer when I have NO references??? I have worked for myself forever! I am very personable... if I get a meeting with someone, I know I can land a job based on that.
It's proving difficult to compose a resume when I have only known one relevant thing (besides schooling) my whole life. When I go out there with a resume and only myself to reference... I don't know where that could get me!
Geez... I am crying in my Pabst Blue Ribbon again.
If only I ever used my level head on my own problems LOL :-)
Glad I could help.
As for my real name.....hush you. lol. Though most people can figure it out anyway if they really try.
No we can't.
I've had dinner with you, sung karaoke with you, and I STILL call you "Hey, Sweett*ts!" because I just don't know any better.
Ok... now to be ON topic...
*HUGS* D-Lish....
I've never owned a business, so I don't really know what you must be going through, but I've lost jobs in my lifetime as well, and the best thing to do is to remind yourself that you have a chance to move on to bigger and better things.......I know you quite well, and I know you are a sweet, smart, strong woman and this minor setback is NOT the end for you.
An interesting thought.... another VERY lovely LS female was at an impasse in life not too long back, and some begging and teasing later, she's a New Yorker now. I think you should take the plunge. Besides, I know the line of work you are in and NYC is definately something to look into.
Besides, I want to see how many gorgeous LS women I can lure into my backyard.
If you ever need to talk.. you have my email AND my phone number.
-tp
come to me, my pretty!
__________________
Chairman, LoveShack Republican Party I can't imagine LS without TP. - Darlin_Coco
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
D-Lish
Besides, I know the line of work you are in and NYC is definately something to look into. 
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