Hello,
I have been in reconciliation for a year and last month my relationship fell apart. I need to know if I am crazy...
I started reading this forum a while ago and I read that many people ask to read all their partner's email and check his phone and all to make sure that he is being honest. SO I thought that might help me. I asked him a year ago if I could check his stuff when I want. He said that I have to ask him first and give a good reason... if my only reason is curiosty then I have no right to look at it... I was so sad, didn't know what to do, but wanted to make things work so I dealt with it. After a year of dealing with this I broke down several times the last few months, and I am in a foreign country so I have no support here except him. So I told him we have to talk about this (while he is playing a comp. game) and he wouldn't, he practically ignored me. So I said I would kill myself if he didnt and then he said he is through with me and broke up with me.
For the last month we have been living together... we only have 3 more months here... and I am too weak to kick him out, he is all I have here... And I have been somewhat releaved that I dont have to get nervous everytime he flirts with a co-worker or client... sigh, we work together. He slept with a client one week after breaking up with me, and nearly slept with a co-worker last week, but he wanted to run it by me first... I am going insane
Today we started talking... we havent talked about our relationship since Saturday when it turned into a fight. He wants to stay in Asia another year, I don't. He told me that if I choose to go back home, if I don't choose to stay here and try to reconcile again that we will part and he will never see me again... so harsh.
I asked him again today why cant we have transparency? He said I should just trust him, cause he has stopped lying. And then I said that its not fair cause he wants me to come all the way to him, that there is now 50/50 here... (Though I think he should do more to repair this than me... maybe 30/70 would be better) and he said that he was compromising, so I asked him what his compromise was, and he said he stopped lying.
His compromise was to stop lying. I almost screamed and ran out of the restaurant. I nearly started crying he noticed and said sorry and that we shouldn't talk here. He went back to the office I went home... We don't have to be back at work for 2 more hours, but he doesn't come home except to sleep. To give me space he says, yet he wont move out unless I kick him out.
I Have written too much I think, honestly I don't even know what to write. Here is the reason I am writing today though. He said not lying is his compromise... I disagree. I was a teacher in America and when my students came to class with a pencil I didn't give them a gold star for it... even if they haven't brought on in for weeks... because a pencil is one of the basic things you need for school, and honesty is one of the basic things you need for a relationship... When he said he stopped lying I wanted to say "what do you want, a gold star!?" But instead I had to stop myself from crying.
How can he think that he is compromising... a compromise should mean a sacrifice... does he really miss lying to me that much? He misses being dishonest? Is this how it is supposed to be? I really want to hear from some of the cheaters actually... I wonder what everyone thinks of this, but I really want to know what they think of my cheating x-boyfriends comment... I promise not to be mean to you, as you can see I cant even fight back and be mean to my xbf... and it kills me to call him my x, I was so in love with him and now I am so lost... I dont even know what love is anymore... I just wanna go home. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/i...icons/barf.gif
Me 28 Him 26
Dating 7.5 years
1st PA 9/2005 (2 times)
2nd ONS 2/2006
3rd ONS 3/2007-when I finally found out
Semi-break up 4/2008 - still living together.
Ilovehonesty there are so many levels of "wrongness" to your situation I don't even know where to begin:
Your question is how do you trust after an affair? Well there is two ways, one is you make a conscious decision to trust your partner, but in order for that to happen your cheating partner MUST do things to make you feel like you CAN trust them again and another is to let him win that trust back but I see neither happening here.
You say this has happened:
Me 28 Him 26
Dating 7.5 years
1st PA 9/2005 (2 times) 2nd ONS 2/2006
3rd ONS 3/2007-when I finally found out
Semi-break up 4/2008 - still living together.
The part I bolded is just to show you that after the first incident there is absolutely NO room for a second, let alone a third and now possible 4th scenario to happen. You have given him the wrong message by staying with him after the first time he deceived you and now it has grown out of control.
I am going to tell you something you may not want to hear but, cut your loses, there is NO CHANCE you will ever be able to trust this man on his own merrits to make it work what you have with him is one sided, you love him and want to make it work and he does not wish to comply. You can make the conscious effort to trust him but he has proven not worthy of that. It appears he has lost all respect for you and knows that he can get away with whatever he wants and therefore will NEVER change by your side. Leave him, don't suffer anymore next to a man who clearly does not want to give you his equal share of love and respect. I can't think of ONE good reason why you would fight to keep this relationship alive. Not one.
Please don't say love, love is not enough and unilatteral love is not what makes a relationship last and grow. A person like him does not deserve your love or your heart or your time. Please take care and stop wasting your time with him.
Good luck, and sorry to be the bearer of bad news...
__________________ Stupidity follows me, but I run much faster...
How COULD you ever trust someone again after an affair? Especially after he has done it multiple times!!!
Furthermore, why stay in a marriage/relationship that has no trust?
Staying in a marriage that lacks trust is like staying in a marriage that lacks sex.... what's the point in being married?!?!!??! Isn't marriage all about trust, honesty, sex, and love?
I feel your pain. Been there. The best move I ever made was DECIDE that I was done with the lying XH who was a baztard. You have yet to decide.
The problem is as in most infidelity is that the innocent party being cheated on often assumes the "victim's mentality". A difficult one to over come. But can be done. But, until you DECIDE to get yourself out of that mode, you will continue to dwell on your weaknesses rather than your strength, just by your mere admission of not knowing anyone, you're in a foreign country, yada, yada, yada.
The most disturbing of them all is for your to even mutter the words of "killing yourself" if the akshole will not shape up. He IS NOT going to shape up! He has no intention of changing his ways because you have made it comfortable and tolerable. He knows exactly what strings to pull with you just to paficify you long enough until the next drama scene.
Bottom line: You can't control him or anyone.
Bottom line: You can only control yourself and that includes making decisions. SMART decisions.
Want to know what that smart decision is?
It starts with YOURSELF! How much you are willing to put up with his crap determines the level of your self worth. Based on your situation and how you've described yourself, the level of your self-worth is pretty low.
So decide. Look at yourself and ask yourself what you're worth? If you keep it pretty low, you'll be exactly where you're at. NOWHERE....
Perhaps you being in a foreign country is a lesson and a challenge in itself. So challenge yourself. I'm sure you've tasted what success is. You're not in jail. You're not part of the welfare society looking for a free handout. You wouldn't be where you're at geographically and intellectually if you were not successful. In other words, you've made it farther than most. Consider that a success.
The best revenge you can against your cheating guy is wean yourself out of that emotional abuse and disrespectful postion. You're worth more than he. But you won't get there unless YOU DECIDE once and for all that you're worth it and deserving of it.
You have given him the wrong message by staying with him after the first time he deceived you and now it has grown out of control.
I can't think of ONE good reason why you would fight to keep this relationship alive. Not one.
To be fair I didnt know about the first two affairs, I mean I had very strong suspicions, but not enough evidence, and he obviously didnt admit it, until after the third. So its not like we have tried to reconcile three times... only once... I dont know if that changes anything.
Unfortunatly I can think of many reasons to stay with him... but they are really foggy now, Ive been blinded by what happened between us 13 months ago and especially last month with him breaking up with me. But here is what I remember thinking is good about him:
1. he is funny, smart, and likes to make people smile
2. I love his mom and she loves me
3. we have so many intrests in common, movies, tv shows, video games, types of books, outdoor activities, sports...
4. we always had a lot to talk about
5.both like kids
And Im sure I could keep going... Its not just about love, its about so much more that I would lose... I mean that I have lost, and I lost it because of what he did and what he refuses to do for me since the whole thing happened.
I dont know what he wants, but I dont think he wants me... at least not as much as I want him... but I dont know why I want him so much anymore. I was just chatting online with his mom who knows nothing about any of this, where as my mom knows a lot about it... He doesnt talk to his mom and I dont think its my place to tell her what her son has done... but I am friends with her, and I cry when we talk. When she says good bye to me she says I love you too... I am not just loosing a boyfriend I am losing part of my family... and his dad died two years ago, so I already lost him, I dont want to lose his mom and sister... they are wonderful people and I love them... why did he have to do this? Why did he have to ruin my family!
To be fair I didnt know about the first two affairs, I mean I had very strong suspicions, but not enough evidence, and he obviously didnt admit it, until after the third. So its not like we have tried to reconcile three times... only once... I dont know if that changes anything.
Unfortunatly I can think of many reasons to stay with him... but they are really foggy now, Ive been blinded by what happened between us 13 months ago and especially last month with him breaking up with me. But here is what I remember thinking is good about him:
1. he is funny, smart, and likes to make people smile
2. I love his mom and she loves me
3. we have so many intrests in common, movies, tv shows, video games, types of books, outdoor activities, sports...
4. we always had a lot to talk about
5.both like kids
And Im sure I could keep going... Its not just about love, its about so much more that I would lose... I mean that I have lost, and I lost it because of what he did and what he refuses to do for me since the whole thing happened.
I dont know what he wants, but I dont think he wants me... at least not as much as I want him... but I dont know why I want him so much anymore. I was just chatting online with his mom who knows nothing about any of this, where as my mom knows a lot about it... He doesnt talk to his mom and I dont think its my place to tell her what her son has done... but I am friends with her, and I cry when we talk. When she says good bye to me she says I love you too... I am not just loosing a boyfriend I am losing part of my family... and his dad died two years ago, so I already lost him, I dont want to lose his mom and sister... they are wonderful people and I love them... why did he have to do this? Why did he have to ruin my family!
I wish I could understand people.
Sounds to me you have a pretty good image of what you want. You will find it and you will have. But it won't be with him.
The irony to your situation is that in order to have all that you desire from a relationship as you have listed, you have to experience people like him. Consider it a trial and a challenge. You have already defined what you want in a mate and what sort of a family in laws (potentially of course) you seek will prepare you.
You are learning one of life's difficult but necessary lessons. You're not quite done which is why you are still going through it. You have yet to set a limit for yourself at which you are willing to accept and tolerate. You haven't decided what that limit is. He will have to take you down at the bottom of the barrel. He has already done it. But you still haven't decided how much of your self-worth he'll continue to bury. It's all up to you. You can decide anytime. The problem is, you have to decide you deserve better that what he's willing to give. This is not love.
I dont know, I thought it was love. I thought that me standing by him no matter what was love. but I dont know whats going on at all anymore... when I ask him to hold my hand as we walk and he says its to crowded to hold hands... thats when I should know, he doesnt love me ... right? I mean thats pretty basic right? Is there a litmus test for love? He says "I love you" but is that all that needs to happen... I heard a speaker say... ignore everything a guy says and just watch what he does... so does that mean mens words are meaningless? I wonder if I will ever understand people
I dont know, I thought it was love. I thought that me standing by him no matter what was love. but I dont know whats going on at all anymore... when I ask him to hold my hand as we walk and he says its to crowded to hold hands... thats when I should know, he doesnt love me ... right? I mean thats pretty basic right? Is there a litmus test for love? He says "I love you" but is that all that needs to happen... I heard a speaker say... ignore everything a guy says and just watch what he does... so does that mean mens words are meaningless? I wonder if I will ever understand people
You have a lot of love in you. The problem is, you have NOT given YOURSELF the love you need. Your guy has only love for himself. If he truly loves you, he would be proud to hold your hands. Kinda like the love Tom Cruise have for his wife when he jumped on Oprah's couch.
Start loving yourself. How?
Learn to be alone and still be happy. There is happiness in being alone. It allows you to rediscover yourself.
Learn to be and feel independent so you are not constantly looking for someone to love you. In other words, you won't need a dude to make you happy.
The problem is that most people are afraid of being alone which explains why they "settle" on the first person who gives them attention.
Don't settle. That's exactly what you are doing by continually asking and doubting yourself. Want to live that as you are doing with every move he makes?
To be fair I didnt know about the first two affairs, I mean I had very strong suspicions, but not enough evidence, and he obviously didnt admit it, until after the third. So its not like we have tried to reconcile three times... only once... I dont know if that changes anything.
Well I think you can answer that for yourself, in his eyes it doesn't really matter that you know about one or all three affairs the point is he continues to do so and is unwilling to change.
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Unfortunatly I can think of many reasons to stay with him... but they are really foggy now, Ive been blinded by what happened between us 13 months ago and especially last month with him breaking up with me. But here is what I remember thinking is good about him:
1. he is funny, smart, and likes to make people smile
2. I love his mom and she loves me
3. we have so many intrests in common, movies, tv shows, video games, types of books, outdoor activities, sports...
4. we always had a lot to talk about
5.both like kids
Those are all valid reasons but they get cancelled off when a person breaks a fundamental breach of trust, respect and love. The act of deceit and betrayal is an act that can't come from a place where there is love, unfortunately, when something like that happens it speaks far louder than any of the reasons you listed above. Not to mention all the things you mentioned can be found in a lot of men. They are all somewhat superficial reasons to be with someone, the true qualities you should look for in a relationship should be integrity, respect, and honesty because without them you will never have a healthy realtionship. These are all things your man clearly does not display for you in his actions.
Quote:
I dont know what he wants, but I dont think he wants me... at least not as much as I want him... but I dont know why I want him so much anymore. I was just chatting online with his mom who knows nothing about any of this, where as my mom knows a lot about it... He doesnt talk to his mom and I dont think its my place to tell her what her son has done... but I am friends with her, and I cry when we talk. When she says good bye to me she says I love you too... I am not just loosing a boyfriend I am losing part of my family... and his dad died two years ago, so I already lost him, I dont want to lose his mom and sister... they are wonderful people and I love them... why did he have to do this? Why did he have to ruin my family!
I know it's hard, when you break up with someone who's family you also love and have great kinship with you also break up with them and it is very hard to do, BUT at the end of the day they are HIS family and they will ultimately be happy for his happiness first not yours. Don't be surprised if his family already knows more than they care to let on, people in these situations find a way to twist their situations around with their family to make it seem like what they did is ok. He may feel valid (in his head) reasons for his betrayal and hence found ways to convey these notions to his family in a way that is both convincing and might almost make sense. Parents can be subjective to a certain extent but inevitably they will choose their children over anyone else, even if they are clearly in the wrong. That is what true unconditional love is, parents can do this people can't in romantic relationships. Your idea that you can love your man no matter what is much like what a parent does for a child, I just don't see how you can aim for that in a romantic relationship?
Pay close attention to the bolded part of your statment, learn to listen to your gut and your intuition, if you feel this man does not love you as much as you love him then there is a reason why you feel this. We tend to ignore our gut feelings sometimes and we justify our situations and make excuses to avoid the inevitable, ie. breaking up and suffering. But there is a reason why this inner voice is there, you would not feel this if there weren't things to be alarmed about.
Lastly, I think NewSunrise said it best:
Quote:
Learn to be alone and still be happy. There is happiness in being alone. It allows you to rediscover yourself.
you learn to understand people better from experience, all the wisdom and foresight a person gains over the years comes from experience, from learning things the hard way at times. Eventually you will understand some people better, others you will never understand, but you will learn from your past and know the signs to avoid falling into the same situations again.
iLovehonesty:
let me ask you something...if you have been dating and this man has commited so much deceit and betrayal thus far how do you (in your head imgine it will play out) forsee a future in a marriage with someone like him with the pressures of children, day to day responsibilities and the ebbes and flows of a marriage with such a shaky foundation of trust?
Also, I am curious how come you have been dating for 7.5 years? That is a very long time to be deciding what you want our of the rel. next? Do you want to eventually marry this man?
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
I was so sad, didn't know what to do, but wanted to make things work so I dealt with it. After a year of dealing with this I broke down several times the last few months, and I am in a foreign country so I have no support here except him. So I told him we have to talk about this (while he is playing a comp. game) and he wouldn't, he practically ignored me. So I said I would kill myself if he didnt and then he said he is through with me and broke up with me. 
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