[motive2002]

I've seen your many posts explaining the whole "space" thing, with this most recent example:

You didn't see it coming. People rarely do. It would seem like a switch going off, but that is never the case. The dumper goes through a long drawn out process of falling out of love and letting go. By the time you get the time/space line they have nearly completed that process. You are seeing the end of it for them, and the beginning of it for yourself.

How do they hide it so well and why? Because they are letting go at their own pace. They aren't ready to just drop you, so they wean themselves off of you day by day by day until they reach a point where not even nostalgia or guilt can keep them holding on. So, they drop the time/space line on you - the beginning of your breakup. Usually by this point, the dumper still has some residual feelings left and want to be assured that they can come back if they need to - so, you get the 'friends' line in addition to the 'time/space' line.

If you give them space, 'friends' can be a long drawn out process as well. Why? Because they want space, which you are giving them and they don't want to give you up entirely - and they get that too. Its what they want, so they keep it going.

If you don't give them space, all bets are off - they will continuously and quickly let those residual feelings drop to nothing and they will become cold and distant.

The worst part of it is that 99 times out of a 100 "I need time/space" means "I have feelings for someone else and need time and space away from you to explore those feelings". It almost always leads to a final breakup as well.

She may or may not come back, and even if she does be aware that she'll be coming back to you on half a tank as opposed to the full one you had when you first got together.

Ok so my question is, are all relationships doomed to this falling out of love process? I'm starting to lose faith here. WTF is love? Does it even exist?
I love the infatuation, "butterflies" phase, but I also like the settled down and "content" phase too, but that never seems to last very long.

I might just save myself a lot of time, heartache and money, and just do the FWB thing like everyone else seems to be doing nowadays. I don't think I could handle relationships anymore, not after what the ex put me through. She had re-assured me a thousand times that her love was genuine, and she pulled the crap you mentioned above in your quote. I was blindsided, just like you describe.

How can I ever trust again? How can I commit to someone knowing they could be falling out of love at any given time and I wouldn't even be aware of it?

I know I wrote my cute little guide on falling out of love, so maybe you can see the signs and maybe you can't. I think by the time you see any signs you better be packing your bags! Is this what modern relationships are boiled down to? Who falls out of love first?

I hope I never fall in love again. It hurts like a son-of-a-bitch!

[orangehose]

Yes, I do wonder as well whether all relationships are doomed to one person getting tired of the other or thinking they can do better. Sure, sometimes you run into those 80 year old couples who've been together for 50 years, but those are the exceptions rather than the rules. I think the fact is, humans aren't completely monogamous, we've been programmed to be able to fall OUT of love when it's not to the benefit of our reproductive fitness to continue to be with that person. Now that lifespans are so much longer than they used to be, it seems that most relationships end with at least one person falling out of love, rather than death.

Anyway, I've been recently 'fallen out of love with' as well, and yeah, it hurts like a you-know-what. You wonder (although you know you shouldn't) what you should have done differently in order to retain their interest... it's a painful process, and I'm not yet sure there's anything that CAN be done to prevent someone from falling out of love with you. I'm open to strategizing however, and plan on playing things a little differently next time around, just in case it makes a difference. But god, I hate strategizing. Love shouldn't be like that.

Anyway, good luck with things... Your guides have been very helpful.

[orangehose]

Oh yeah, and I felt totally blindsided too, although in retrospect the guy had been distant for a couple weeks (according to those signs you listed in one of your guides). But really, he had been using the 'l' word not too long before the breakup.

The trust issue remains. I'm going to be more cynical the next time around.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally Posted by motive2002

1. Ok so my question is, are all relationships doomed to this falling out of love process?

2. WTF is love? Does it even exist?

3. I love the infatuation, "butterflies" phase, but I also like the settled down and "content" phase too, but that never seems to last very long.

4. How can I ever trust again? How can I commit to someone knowing they could be falling out of love at any given time and I wouldn't even be aware of it?

5. I think by the time you see any signs you better be packing your bags! Is this what modern relationships are boiled down to? Who falls out of love first?

1. Yes. However... when that happens it can go one of two ways: it will either end, or it will cycle - which leads us to...

2. Love is what happens when "in love" fades, and the two people involved decide to stick it out and get to know each other as people and not just lovers. They get to know the good and the bad, the cute and the annoying - and they find that they don't really want to do without either. Love is what happens when you go from 'lovers' to 'family'. You can break up with a lover, but try breaking up with your parent, or your sibling, or your child - it just doesn't happen, and when 'in love' becomes 'love' - it is just as difficult to imagine breaking things off. A good deal of people never reach this level in their relationship. The ones who do tend to marry or be in long term relationships, or keep returning to the one person (Pam and Tommy, for instance). When your partner says 'I love you', it usually means 'I am in love with you' and when that fades without deepening into 'love' - they simply drift away from you to find another 'in love' with someone else. So, yes - it exists but it is far more than a romantic sort of thing. Romantic over the top love exists like cut roses exist - they are brilliant and beautiful but only for a time. A rosebush may not be as romantic, but it is more lasting.

Love can end too though. It cycles, but if the downs outweigh the ups, or if the ups are tepid, or if the cycling stops altogether then love cannot last. Think back to the rosebush - it 'dies' in the winter, comes back to 'life' in the spring, and so on. But, if you cut the roots, it withers and dies and will never come back. You have to tend it, nurture it and understand that it will cycle. A lot of people simply don't have the patience or understanding to keep love going.

3. It sounds cliche, but when you find the person with whom you really want to be with and really wants to be with you - for good and for bad, then you find that the 'love' will last. It will cycle up and down, and sometimes you may not feel 'love' at all for that person. You may feel indifferent sometimes. Other times you may be angry at them or hate them. But, it always cycles back to love. The ups don't last long. Neither do the downs. Embrace the downs along with the ups, and your cycles will continue.

4. Unfortunately, that is a chance you have to take. There is no set way to find out if someone will go from 'in love' to 'love' or from 'in love' to 'I need space'. It is all in compatibility in AND out of love.

5. Yes, I agree - when you hear 'I need time/space' then it is time to understand and accept that the relationship as you know it is ending. 'In love' cannot survive that, and it is a clear indication that the relationship is not headed for 'love'.

[Touche]

Clap, clap, clap! Excellent post LB. PERFECT description of what real love is. As a gardener, I loved the whole roses/rose bush analogy too. Perfect.

It takes a certain kind of maturity also to get to that stage of love...the latter stages. I know that I got bored so easily in my 20's and the minute the "bloom was off the rose" (to stay with your metaphor) I'd bolt. I wasn't interested in exploring anything beyond the honeymoon stage.

Motive, that's sad that you hope you never fall in love again. Hopefully, that's just a stage you're in. We've all been hurt and said the same thing. But if you never take a chance again, you'll never have a chance at true love.

It's a risk you take each and every time. If we're wise, it's a calculated risk. We can minimize our chances of failure to a degree, but it's ALWAYS a risk. I always thought it was a risk worth taking...each and every time until I finally got it right.