In Search Of...Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.
Whenever I meet a new girl I aim to get along with her and be friendly. I prefer to be a friend first as it gives a chance to get to know a person and we're led to believe that women prefer to be friends first as well.
So I maybe meet someone through a friend in a social get-together or its a new girl at work. I be friendly and we get along really well. If I'm attracted to their looks and once I become interested in them (their personality etc) it's too late because they see me as a friend. At least that's the way it seems. I've asked a couple of female friends out and they have thanked me for being honest but they just want to be friends.
It seems like because I'm giving off a 'friendly guy' vibe then I'm shooting myself in the foot.
So ladies, when I meet a new person how should I act to let them know that I'm getting to know them to see whether we would be a good couple??? Should I be upfront after the first encounter and say 'I had a great time and would love to get to know you better. Maybe over coffee?' Is that suitable or is that still likely to be taken as a friendly move?
I think it depends on the girl. I mean not all women interpret messages the same way. Me, I like the direct approach. If a guy likes me, and he said "hey, I'm really starting to like you, can I take you out to dinner?" Well right there I'd know hey, this guy sees me as more than friends. So you just got to be honest, and make sure you are interpreted the right way. If you ask a girl out for coffee but it comes across as friendly, well yeah, she'll think it's "just coffee." So be careful, but be direct too.
But honestly, as I said, if a guy likes me, I want him to tell me, cause I might not have any clue right?
As far as the friends thing, I do feel that if a friendship develops it's a good foundation, but after too long the girl might get so used to that that she can't see you as anything else. There for, casual dating comes into play. A nice, happy medium. Then you can get to know each other and develop that "something else" at the same time.
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I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!- Kramer
I was in your shoes in highschool. Then when I got to college I simply told myself that, while I wouldn't be mean, I wouldn't go out of my way to be nice and I wouldn't try to situate my personality or its manifestation according to my perception of what they (potential mates) wanted.
I also simply acted more confident. I was never unattractive, but I guess once college started I began to show that I wasn't by not being afraid to look them in the eye, and beyond that, to never (initially) show them all there was to me.
If you're interested in a girl, be nice and assertive. Show confidence and don't be afraid to assert your beliefs. Read and have something to talk about outside what you're doing or anything strictly speaking about you. When asking for dates and numbers or whatever, just try to be short and simplify it the process overwhelms you. I know it kinda did me at first, but its hard to mess it up getting a number when that's all you intend on getting (i.e. no need to complicate the matter by over analyzing and/or stating more than you need to to move the association into a potential dating situation)
I'm not sure if I touched up on anything you were speaking to, but I hope that helps.
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The limits of our language are the limits of our world
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"how do you gently break up with someone???..
Thats like saying how do I gently drive a monster truck through a china/glass/crystal shop.
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Whenever I meet a new girl I aim to get along with her and be friendly. I prefer to be a friend first as it gives a chance to get to know a person and we're led to believe that women prefer to be friends first as well.
So I maybe meet someone through a friend in a social get-together or its a new girl at work. I be friendly and we get along really well. If I'm attracted to their looks and once I become interested in them (their personality etc) it's too late because they see me as a friend. At least that's the way it seems. I've asked a couple of female friends out and they have thanked me for being honest but they just want to be friends.
It seems like because I'm giving off a 'friendly guy' vibe then I'm shooting myself in the foot.
So ladies, when I meet a new person how should I act to let them know that I'm getting to know them to see whether we would be a good couple??? Should I be upfront after the first encounter and say 'I had a great time and would love to get to know you better. Maybe over coffee?' Is that suitable or is that still likely to be taken as a friendly move?
Thanks
1) Trying to befriend a girl before asking her out, never works. I tried it a few years ago and all it does is land you in the friendzone. Girls rarely go for their friends, it has certainly never happened to anyone I know.
2) it's too late as they already see me as a friend, answers your question.
3) You need to be more confident and direct in your approach. Just say, I am fairly interested in you, would you like to grab a coffee/dinner sometime?
Whenever I meet a new girl I aim to get along with her and be friendly. I prefer to be a friend first as it gives a chance to get to know a person and we're led to believe that women prefer to be friends first as well.
So I maybe meet someone through a friend in a social get-together or its a new girl at work. I be friendly and we get along really well. If I'm attracted to their looks and once I become interested in them (their personality etc) it's too late because they see me as a friend. At least that's the way it seems. I've asked a couple of female friends out and they have thanked me for being honest but they just want to be friends.
It seems like because I'm giving off a 'friendly guy' vibe then I'm shooting myself in the foot.
So ladies, when I meet a new person how should I act to let them know that I'm getting to know them to see whether we would be a good couple??? Should I be upfront after the first encounter and say 'I had a great time and would love to get to know you better. Maybe over coffee?' Is that suitable or is that still likely to be taken as a friendly move?
Thanks
Yeah, that's the thing. Taking the "Friends First" route comes with a ticket to the friendzone. I've had that happened to me. I'm of the opinion that this route can still work. You just need a setting where you can be close enough to know each other but far enough that she can't be friends with you. A classroom comes to mind.
I think if you've shown signals and she's shown signals, coffee = unofficial date.
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I think if you've shown signals and she's shown signals, coffee = unofficial date.
Befriending someone means you are placed in the friendzone, you confuse acquaintanceship (I've made that word up) and friendship. You can be someone's acquaintance without being their friend.
And to answer your text in quotes, you are wrong again, coffee just means coffee, it doesn't guarantee anything will happen. It's best to get out of the dating mind set. When I ask a girl out, I treat it as a meeting, a casual meeting between two people, I don't go into dating mode and haven't done so for a long time.
The reason I haven't is because when you mention date, and convince yourself it is a date, you start over-analyzing the simple things and you become nervous, too pushy and this shows. If you treat it as a meeting with two people and you don't have high expectations, it's better for your mind set.
Be informal, not formal and enjoy yourself, it happens, it happens, it if doesn't, s*it happens.
Befriending someone means you are placed in the friendzone, you confuse acquaintanceship (I've made that word up) and friendship. You can be someone's acquaintance without being their friend.
Acquaintance. That's the word I'm looking for. Yeah, be the acquaintance. Close enough to know but far enough that you're not friends.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cov
And to answer your text in quotes, you are wrong again, coffee just means coffee, it doesn't guarantee anything will happen. It's best to get out of the dating mind set. When I ask a girl out, I treat it as a meeting, a casual meeting between two people, I don't go into dating mode and haven't done so for a long time.
The reason I haven't is because when you mention date, and convince yourself it is a date, you start over-analyzing the simple things and you become nervous, too pushy and this shows. If you treat it as a meeting with two people and you don't have high expectations, it's better for your mind set.
Be informal, not formal and enjoy yourself, it happens, it happens, it if doesn't, s*it happens
I'll take your word, Cov. Being in a situation myself, I'm probably not the most sound (much less experienced) person to give advice.
If you want to be friends with a girl, then be friends, but if you want more then just friends, you should make it known to her as soon as possible and not waste her time.
I don't understand your approach with being attacted to her first and friends later can ruin it.
For most girls, Attraction first, and then personality. A lot of girls won't give you the time of the day if there's no physical attraction no matter what the personality is.
I don't understand your approach with being attacted to her first and friends later can ruin it.
For most girls, Attraction first, and then personality. A lot of girls won't give you the time of the day if there's no physical attraction no matter what the personality is.
I think the OP is talking about getting to know the girl a bit first before making a move.
As for the second paragraph, what about the whole deal with girls being attracted to confidence?
I think if you've shown signals and she's shown signals, coffee = unofficial date.
Gosh this made me laugh so much. I have this friend Rob... he and I been friends for four years. We both been through some pretty horrible stuff in that time. We're really good buddies. But last year after we both had break-ups he asked me out... but the way he did it was kinda 'we should go out some time' and because he was in the 'friendzone' I didn't pick up on it for ages. Then after a while... he made it a little more obvious (like nearly hitting me on the head with the unsubtle brick!) in the end I asked him 'are you asking me out?' and he said 'are you refusing?' and I said 'erm, not exactly...' and he said 'tell you what, I won't call it a date and you don't call it a date, so it's not a date, right..?'. So we went out and half way through the non-date he says 'so this stealth-date we're on' and that really made me laugh so much. But anyhow, during that 'date' we had 'the' conversation... if we'd not been friends and colleagues, maybe it might have been worth pursuing... but the fact was we were friends. Girls don't like losing their friends, especially guy pals like this. So I'd say there's a fine line with the friendzone... when it first starts, that's your chance to be friendly... but almost as soon as you know, it's gonna change the dynamics and no matter how much the girl professes ignorance, she's gonna know something is up (I did at the back of my teeny head). Once those words are out, it changes things... for me and Rob, we were both lucky enough to understand we were both just lonely and sad and that wasn't an appropriate foundation for either of us. For you, I'd say if you're interested in a girl... don't go the friendzone route, just tell her. It will make it easier in the long run. If she says no, then you have no need to invest yourself in her at all.
For you, I'd say if you're interested in a girl... don't go the friendzone route, just tell her. It will make it easier in the long run. If she says no, then you have no need to invest yourself in her at all.
Of course I wouldn't take the friendzone route, I've been down that road before and it's not cool. As far as telling her goes, well...I've tried that and crashed and burned.
the reason why you can't be the nice guy is it gets taken for granted.
You don't have to be a dick, just don't be the girl's bitch. (This goes both ways)
EX: If you are always nice to her, then do something big for her for like a birthday or anniversary, it won't be as appreciated if she is used to things like that ALL the time.
But the same exact girl will be ecstatic if it's something you don't normally do because it proves to her that you were specifically thinking about her that day.
Now back on topic:
I think the most attractive quality in a guy for girls is confidence.
Women likes confidence, that's not going to get it done ALONE. You still need to be what she expects as far as looks as concerned.
The next question would be what about the whole thing about women not being visual creatures?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahatma
I think the most attractive quality in a guy for girls is confidence.
And the inevitable question is, what is confidence? Recent experiences have taught me that confidence= being confident enough in yourself to be yourself instead of putting on an act.
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