[Cujo]

I have recently been dumped by my girlfriend and I would like some of your guys/girls opinion’s on my situation (Btw this post will be very longggggggg so please bear with me)

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 3 years now and we have lived together for over 2 years (27 months to be exact). I am 30 and she is 28. We met randomly a few years ago when I was over in her country (Czech Republic) for a weekend break with some buddies (we were sitting at the table next to them and we asked if we could join them for some drinks) anyway, we had a few drinks together and I talked to my ex alot, we got on like a house on fire and I ended up kissing her passionately for hours into the early morning. We exchanged details and kept in contact nearly everyday from that moment on and for the next 7 months we meet each other for 6 romantic long weekends (she actually did most of the chasing but I did my fair share too). She said that she needed to pinch herself because she thought that she was dreaming that she had found a guy like me and she said that she had no doubts that I was the man for her.

(I think I need to mention that she had broken up with her long term boyfriend 4 months before I met her (they had been going out for 5 years in total with one long breakup in that time) and they had traveled together and worked in places like America, New Zealand and England so her English was perfect).

Anyway, 7 months after we meet she moved over to be with me along with her friend. We rented an apartment for 3 months and shared with her friend then we got our own place where we could be together, I even met her family 4 months after she had moved over to me when we went back for a visit. The first year was absolute and utter bliss, we were extremely compatible, shared loads of interests and were both head over heels in love with each other. We went on lots of amazing holidays together (weekend trips and two week vacations), went for walks in the country and on the beach, went out to the cinema and for meals regularly, bought each other little gifts...........she even told me that she loved me before I told her, and from that day we told each other single day how much we mean to each other. We also made lots of mutual friends together here and there were lots of Czech people that she meet through the friend that she came over with and we hung out with them alot. Basically I was extremely happy being with her and her feelings were mutual.

Then the trouble started. At the start of last year I lost my job and even thought I tried really hard to find another one nothing seemed to stick and a lost out on a few a the very last minute (which was tough). I did some contact work in a different field to the one that I usually work in so I always had money and was never broke (we split all the bills and I never missed a payment, ever!) but I would work one week on maybe two/three weeks off. She mentioned that she was worried about this but that she had 100% faith in me and that she would be behind me no matter what happened (again just to clarify how money wasn't an issue, we still everything we used to do and went on lots of trips together like always, nothing had changed in the respect, I was still earning money just not as much as I used too). Also to add to this alot of her Czech friends that were living her moved back home or to other countries and I'm sure this affected her as she said sometimes she was quite lonely. To add to this allot of my friends are either married or have moved on so I only had a handful of friends and she says that I need to get out there and make new friends because it might motivate me more.

From January until September things were still perfect (apart from my job situation) but after we got back from a lovely vacation in the sun I noticed that she had changed a little. She had moved jobs just before the trip, had started an evening college course and she was looking at buying an apartment in her home country as an investment. I couldn't really afford to invest with her but she said that she understood and maybe I could buy a share in the apartment when I get back on my feet. We were still doing fine up until Christmas and we went to her country for New Years and everything went well. I was still contracting and because of the downturn in the economy (not to mention a flood of foreign workers here now) I still couldn't get secure, full-time work.

After Christmas I stepped up my effort to get a full-time job while I was still contracting and I had a load of interviews lined up but she seemed a little distant towards me but we were planning a skiing trip together so I never really dwelled on it too much. We got had a nice ski trip and at the start of March she got back from a company weekend away (mainly women in her company) and seemed really weird all week. A few days later she seemed down and I asked her what was wrong and she started to cry and said that she couldn't take this anymore. I asked her did she still love me and she said that she wasn't sure anymore and suggested that we go on a break. My heart dropped! That night I slept on the couch but didn't even close my eyes all night I just felt sick. The next morning I heard her getting into the shower so I sneaked into the bedroom and to check her phone (I was so curious!) and I saw a text message saying 'Thanks for the lunch, the food was great but the company was even better. I love you!" and other one saying "Get your sexy ass into work". I nearly passed out! I asked her if she was seeing somebody else and she said no so I asked her again and she again denied it. So later that day I called her and told her about the texts. She said they were from a guy who her company hires for work and that she has to go to business lunches and that he is a very forward older guy who 'thinks' he is a real lady charmer, but isn't, but she assured me that there was nothing going on. I believed her but something didn't sit right.

Anyway I moved out and we started our break. The thing is she still kept in contact with me (I never called her she always called or texted me) and we meet up for a meal on her birthday and we went to the cinema and to a concert. I asked her again if she was seeing anybody else and she said that she wasn't. I then posted what had happened on another message board (leaving out my job situation) and everybody said she was cheating and I should end it.........so I decided I would. We were suppose to be going to a BBQ at our friend’s new house so I went to out to our apartment and told her straight that I think she is playing for a fool and that I wanted to end the relationship. I then left and she ran out after me crying and trying to drag me back into the apartment, I ran out and she called from the window but I ignored her. I then switched off my phone and met some friends to drown my sorrows.

I left my phone off all weekend and when I switched in back on I had loads of missed calls and text messages from her. She told me to check my e-mail so I did. She wrote me a long e-mail explaining that I had got the situation totally wrong and that she needed some space from me to clear her head. She said that there was never anything going on and I was only assuming things. She said that my job situation was the main factor in her decision and that I had become a little withdrawn and that I socialized less then usually because of it. She didn't want to end the relationship on such a sour note after all the amazing times we had been through so she suggested to meet for a coffee. I agreed (because I still loved her and we did have some amazing times together). We talked for hours and I told her that I would complete change and apply for jobs even more then I was (which was allot) she decided because she had to study for her exams all month that we would be better off not talking for a full month. I agreed. We kissed passionately and I walked away. The next morning she rings me from work crying and saying that I really opened her eyes with my talk the night before and that she would like to try again with me, I agreed. We met at our apartment and she made me dinner we slept together and this went on for a few weekends but her books were everywhere and I would see that she was really busy studying. I called her a few times to see if she wanted to meet up but she said that she really needed to study and I said okay. I actually went by the apartment one day to a contract job and checked in to see if everything was okay, I knew she was at work and just wanted to check it out. There was balls of paper on the floor and books and pens everywhere, she really looked like she was studying hard!

Anyway we talked every night and it felt like old times and she invited me over for lunch in the last weekend of April. Lunch was fine and everything went well then when I was about to leave because she needed to finish some exam work she accused me of not caring for her. I told her I did care but she said that I am never around for her anymore. I told her that she has been studying non stop and that I didn't want to disturb her but she said that I could of at least surprised her with flowers or cooked for her etc. We talked it out and she apologised and said that she was just stressed out. I have had some really great interviews lately and I am actually on the verge of getting a really good full-time job when we decided to meet up for a meal. The meal went fine and I was in a positive mood when she dropped a bomb shell on me. She said that she tried her best but she thinks it would be better to finish our relationship! I told her that she wasn't being fair and that I didn't have a fair chance since we decided to try again. She told me that she could be making one of the worst decisions of her life but it was one that she really needed to do because she couldn't go back to the way we were over the last few months. She said that she would love to be with me in the future but her head and heart just aren't in the right place right now.

This happened one week ago today and I am totally crushed. She has moved into a tiny studio apartment down the street from our old apartment I have to move all of my stuff out over the next few days. She was my whole world and I loved every moment that we spent together. Do you think if she sees me working full time and going out more (ie: prove that I have changed) she will change her mind? She text me the other night after she moved her stuff and she said she was sad packing away all the birthday/christmas/valentines day cards and photos of us but she said that she hopes this whole situation will give us a 'second wind' and hopefully we can sort out our issues. I text back that it was wonderful and it was almost like a fairlytail and she text back that we will see where the fairytail continues.

Is there any chance we could get back together? This whole situation has been really depressing and confusing for me.

[0hpenelope]

Originally Posted by Cujo

She told me that she could be making one of the worst decisions of her life but it was one that she really needed to do because she couldn't go back to the way we were over the last few months. She said that she would love to be with me in the future but her head and heart just aren't in the right place right now.

This happened one week ago today and I am totally crushed. She has moved into a tiny studio apartment down the street from our old apartment I have to move all of my stuff out over the next few days. She was my whole world and I loved every moment that we spent together. Do you think if she sees me working full time and going out more (ie: prove that I have changed) she will change her mind? She text me the other night after she moved her stuff and she said she was sad packing away all the birthday/christmas/valentines day cards and photos of us but she said that she hopes this whole situation will give us a 'second wind' and hopefully we can sort out our issues. I text back that it was wonderful and it was almost like a fairlytail and she text back that we will see where the fairytail continues.

Is there any chance we could get back together? This whole situation has been really depressing and confusing for me.

What I would give for a 2nd chance with Lawrence.

I smell 2nd chance here. Some LS users might create posts disagreeing with that, but... hey, that's what makes this board so great. The variance in opinion.

I hope you haven't been needy. There is nothing that can make an ex run away faster than a needy ex coming after them and this was one of my mistakes. If she said she needs space from you, then give it to her. At least in my opinion, she should initiate most of the contact (if not all of the contact, which is what I think should be) since she's the one who broke things off. She wanted space, so... give her control over when she wants to contact you, when she wants to call you..

I really can't speak for my fellow femmes who do a total 180 when they're the "I just need space away from you" dumpers by freaking out when the dumpee does not contact them. Uh... Hello? You just said you needed space. Why should the person you dumped contact you? So hopefully she won't throw this mindbender at you because I'm a girl and I can't even explain it. Perhaps wiser femme LS members may be able to shed light to such odd behavior. But I can take it for what it is and say that when a girl does that, even as the dumper, she misses the one she left behind.

Also, I don't know why other people do that too, when they're packing away the stuff that meant something to both of them and then they tell their S.O. Perhaps it's her way of saying "Hey, I know I brought this situation on us but I just wanted you to know that you still mean a lot to me and we can still work things out. Just not right now." I kind of wish she hadn't done that because she just threw another curveball at you and you're here posting on LS about it.

wowIlose, badbrit, Caliguy, and vivrantflo have made excellent posts on this subject. Perhaps you can look them up.

Also. Because LS users look out for each other, I will do this. This is going to dampen the hope... Seriously, be prepared for her to change her mind. Sometimes, we say things to alleviate the damage of our actions and if she left... then perhaps, she may be really gone. You can search the world over for "guaranteed ways to get your ex back" advice or advice from people who have reconciled with their ex and actually succeeded, but there's no solution. We all know this... it's just that our heartache makes us blind to it sometimes. You can do things that might make her miss you, but it might not have that effect. No one knows her feelings except for herself. Sometimes, it's the people we thought we knew well that turn out to be not who we thought they were. It's something that I'm still dealing with and I celebrate everyday with my small victories.

And change for yourself. Change for your betterment! If she's the inspiration, great. There's nothing wrong with change if it's change for the better, but I hope you won't make the mistake of changing for her. Not for her. For yourself and in spite of her being around (or absence).

Very light contact. Play mysterious, don't be too available, don't be too aloof. Keep like a cool cat and perhaps, you might just get your girl back.

[Cujo]

Thanks for the reply Ohpenelope, sorry it was such a long read, I guess I am hurting badly and I need to vent some of my frustrations to help ease my seemingly endless pain that has made me lose my appetite completely, made me wake up in the early hours of the morning in a cold sweat and has me badly depressed. It’s been tough to say the least.

To answer your question I haven't been needy at all. When she broke up with me last Thursday I didn't cry or scream or shout, I was calm and I explained that I didn't think I had been given a fair shot at the second chance that we agreed on because she wasn't available because of exam study (her exams end tomorrow btw but there is no way I am initiating contact). We were actually planning on going to a friends birthday tomorrow before the split but even though she reminded me that it was on after we split (and our friend reminded me by text too) I knew once the split happened then I would not be going.

The next few weeks will be make or break I feel, I am waiting for a guy to call me back about a successful interview that I had a week ago (he said that I am basically hired but they have a new CEO so they needed to put my position on hold for the moment) and my ex will have no exams to study for and now that she is in a tiny studio apartment hopefully she will feel the full impact of my absence. She is also going home at the end of the month for her mothers birthday and then home again in July for her cousins wedding so I am willing to give her the space that she desires and I will not be contacting her at all...........even the thought of contacting her after the saga of the last two months is making me wince (not because I don't love her because I need to get my own head straight).

As for changing myself, I will definitely be changing myself because I really want to and really need to but I have to admit I will be trying to make her see that I am capable of change and that I am not the loser that I think she sees me as (yeah, my confidence has been severally knocked and I've been mentally beating myself up a little lately).

I still have to return the key and get my deposit back on our old apartment and I'm not sure what I should do about that right now, but it will come up over the weekend I'm sure. My frame of mind right now is that I have lost her but I still have hope that I can get her back.

[Cujo]

Update: As I mentioned in my last post it was our friend’s birthday last night and me & my ex were planning to go to it before we broke up. She sent me a text reminding me about the party 4 days after we split (she said that our friend had asked her if I was still going) and I said that I would call them myself during the week. Our friend actually called me a few days ago and I explained the situation and told them that I would be really uncomfortable being there, they understood.

Then yesterday my ex text me asking me how I was and was I going to the party later. I said I was good but I told her that I felt it wasn't a good idea going to the party. She said that she was glad that I am good and told me that it would be really good if I could come but she understood if I have different plans. She then told me that she is meeting our old landlord on Monday to give her the keys and collect our deposit. I told her that’s fine and to let me know what happens. She then asked me again if I would drop by to the party even for one or two drinks if I was around. I again told her that from my point of view it wouldn't be a good idea. She said okay, have a nice weekend and talk to you on Monday. I said okay.

I am getting very mixed signals here. She broke up with me 8 days ago and now she seems like she wants to see me. Doesn't she know how hurtful it would be for me being around her & all of our (old?) friends just like it used to be?

I haven't a clue what to do on Monday now, I still have a spare key from our apartment (my ex told me to take it incase our landlord tries to screw us from getting back our deposit) and I have to pick up my half of the deposit so we are most likely going to have to meet up. It is too soon for me, I couldn't sleep again last night thinking about her so seeing her could do more damage then good I feel.

[Cujo]

Another Update: In my last post my ex texted me to see if I was going to our friends party that night, I said no so she said that she would text me again on Monday and let me know about her meeting with the landlord.

She actually text me the next day with some general conversation finishing with "You were missed last night at the party & I miss you!". I don't know what to make of that, if she missed me so much then why did she break up with me? (Btw I was busy so I text her back around 5 hours later saying I was fine and nothing else).

Anyway, she text me again today and I have arranged to meet her at our old apartment on Wednesday to give back the key and collect my deposit. I haven't seen her since she broke up with me a week and a half ago so I don't know how I am going to react. Any advice?