I talked to my ex of two days today. I ended it on Sunday as we were not in the same place as far as how we saw the future progressing. We have dated over a year and are very compatible except when we're not All in all, it has been the healthiest relationship I have been in. We are both in our 40's, have a child each from previous relationships.
He was in a very bad marriage 3-4 years ago and it really did a number on him emotionally and psychologically. No cheating involved, just the agony of coming to terms with leaving. We saw each other constantly and he basically wanted to behave as a marrried couple without the marriage. I was not comfortable with living together or traveling a lot and that was a source of contention.
Finally last weekend, we were arguing about something and I realized that we were not anywhere near the same place regarding our future. He doesn't want to marry for "several" years and I want to work towards it within the next year or two. I'm not ready yet but I do think you have to work towards it when there will be a blended family.
When we talked today he said that even though he loved me completely and that I was the most perfect woman he had ever met, he was not ready to deal with the fact that he does not want to marry anytime soon. I am stuck in wondering how you can love someone so much and not want to spend your life with them?! At the same time, I cannot allow myself to stay for less than what I need and still maintain my self respect and dignity. I have talked to friends who say that it is absolutely possible to love someone very much and still have an obstacle to anything permanent. He asked today if we could just talk in a couple of weeks and I told him I can't hope for something that isn't there. He will not get counseling even though he says he needs it and he will not pursue any kind of third party help. I told him how hard it is for me to believe he loves me in light of letting me go and that I longed for a love that would never let me go. He said he knew that and that he loved me so much, but that we were in two different places at different times.
Before you ask, no, he is not a playboy or an a-hole. He has been great to me and to my daughter. He wants more without marriage than I'm willing to give and he will not consider marriage.
Do any of you out there feel the way he does? Please don't reply if you are going to say he's a liar or anything like that. My heart is absolutely crushed and all I can do is weep. I believe I did the right thing and that this day would have come eventually no matter how long I stayed, as a matter of fact, it would have made him so comfortable that he would never had considered marriage. I think I had hope before today and the realization that there is none have finally sunk in and I'm devistated.
The tears will not stop and I'm crushed. I pictured a life with him that is completely gone.
he's being totally honest with you about where he stands on marriage.totally understandable if divorce was that bad. All you can do is wait it out or move on. i really feel for you, it sounds like you were a great couple.
he's being totally honest with you about where he stands on marriage.totally understandable if divorce was that bad. All you can do is wait it out or move on. i really feel for you, it sounds like you were a great couple.
thanks I'm getting hammered on another site with people staying I'm just looking for a ring. I'm truly not. I only want the reassurance that we're working towards the same goal someday. I am not anywhere near marriage but I think its important to know if you are with someone that even wants that. Kind of like agreeing on whether or not you want kids...its kind of important to talk about.
Wow. I was almost in the same boat, just not as deep. It really is difficult when the relationship is going great, but you are in different places. But if settling down and getting married is what you want, but not necessarily what he wants, I say that's a MAJOR issue. You should do what makes you comfortable, and it seems that considering the situation you are in, your are far from comfortable. You should have a no holds barred, lay all the cards on the table talk, and see where you stand; does he just need more time? how is his psychologically and emotionally today as compared to yesteryear? What is it about you that he sees is in the way of taking that risk with you? I assume, however, that you have talked about this, and this is currently where y'all stand. I know it hurts, and right now you are probably trivializing your own wants and needs, but don't. Unless of course, you are truly happy with foregoing your own personal wants and needs.
Wow. I was almost in the same boat, just not as deep. It really is difficult when the relationship is going great, but you are in different places. But if settling down and getting married is what you want, but not necessarily what he wants, I say that's a MAJOR issue. You should do what makes you comfortable, and it seems that considering the situation you are in, your are far from comfortable. You should have a no holds barred, lay all the cards on the table talk, and see where you stand; does he just need more time? how is his psychologically and emotionally today as compared to yesteryear? What is it about you that he sees is in the way of taking that risk with you? I assume, however, that you have talked about this, and this is currently where y'all stand. I know it hurts, and right now you are probably trivializing your own wants and needs, but don't. Unless of course, you are truly happy with foregoing your own personal wants and needs.
thank you for your reply. we've actually been very honest about where each of us is right now and tragically, its not the same place. I am currently in individual counseling because I really wanted to learn how to communicate better. It has helped so much and we've both noticed changes. But he just isn't there yet. If we were to ever blend out families we would need to begin thinking of it now. His child is very unstable about his parent's divorce which is expected. My child has never known her father so she only knows that she trusts and loves him. Its hard all the way around. Do you ever have the gut feeling that things aren't going anwhere and that stagnation is setting in? I've been carrying that feeling for about six weeks now and I don't want to live in denial or deceive myself about what reality is. He doesn't either. We have different parenting methods and different views on faith--two really big issues that we don't fight about but would need to reach agreement on should we evver work towards anything permanent.
hi there, i just wanted to say how brave you are, you should be so proud of yourself for standing up for what you believe in.
i am coming from the exactly the same place that you are in at the mo, (without the previous marriages) i was with my man for nearly 4 years, we one day out of the blue ended up chatting about the future and it was like alarm bells started ringing. he just doesnt want to think ahead of tomorrow! Like you, im not ready for marriage, i just wanted to have ideas, plans, know that i was on the right track! .......instead i had to walk away, although its been the most entirely painful thing ive ever had to do, walking away from the person i know i still love, just because i know he's not right, right now. This has all only happened for me within the last week, so ur probably going through the same emotions, doubts, questions. its really really hard. i keep thinking maybe when im ready he'll be ready, but my head knows im only fooling myself. i completely understand what you mean about the gut feeling, its not easy to admit to yourself that you know what that feeling means.
i think your so brave because i know the pain your feeling. i guess all else i can say is stay strong, no matter what you decide to do next.
Chapter2, I am in my 40's too. Let me tell you, it's nuts. Relationships are HARD. I just got out of something where I thought it was my UTTER LIFE PARTNER SOUL MATE and she turned out to be insane, pretending she was sane. I had some signs I ignored because love makes us overlook a lot.
Now she's on crack cocaine. Literally. Go figure.
Now, I bet your guy is nowhere near this misrepresentantative, but I bet there are things you can see that show you that there is something really amiss here. Your love for him won't let you TRULY see these things, nor can you FEEL these problems. But they are there.
I bet, anyways. It's been my experience. Love makes you utterly blind.
hi there, i just wanted to say how brave you are, you should be so proud of yourself for standing up for what you believe in.
i am coming from the exactly the same place that you are in at the mo, (without the previous marriages) i was with my man for nearly 4 years, we one day out of the blue ended up chatting about the future and it was like alarm bells started ringing. he just doesnt want to think ahead of tomorrow! Like you, im not ready for marriage, i just wanted to have ideas, plans, know that i was on the right track! .......instead i had to walk away, although its been the most entirely painful thing ive ever had to do, walking away from the person i know i still love, just because i know he's not right, right now. This has all only happened for me within the last week, so ur probably going through the same emotions, doubts, questions. its really really hard. i keep thinking maybe when im ready he'll be ready, but my head knows im only fooling myself. i completely understand what you mean about the gut feeling, its not easy to admit to yourself that you know what that feeling means.
i think your so brave because i know the pain your feeling. i guess all else i can say is stay strong, no matter what you decide to do next.
hugs,
fran
Bless your heart fran. You are brave as well. I'm very proud of you.
I was telling a friend of mine today that it feels like everything is great except one of you wants kids and the other doesn't. Neither one can just deny their God given desire. Obviously that's not our situation, but if either of us deny what we want and desire, resentment will grow like a weed and corrupt every part of what used to be such a good relationship.
I'm ashamed to say I was so naive as to think we were completely tracking. It just didn't cross my mind that we were thinking the same thing. How dumb is that? But when it was voiced and out there, it was as if a stampede of bulls ran into the living room. There is just no way around it. If either of them were jerks they could lead us to believe otherwise but at least that isn't happening (woo hoo--that good ol silver lining!)
I'll keep checking back here. If you're like me your emotions have made several trips around the world in the last few days. Venus and Mars Starting Over has helped some with understanding how guys process the end of a relationship. They grieve, just very differently than we do.
Chapter2, I am in my 40's too. Let me tell you, it's nuts. Relationships are HARD. I just got out of something where I thought it was my UTTER LIFE PARTNER SOUL MATE and she turned out to be insane, pretending she was sane. I had some signs I ignored because love makes us overlook a lot.
Now she's on crack cocaine. Literally. Go figure.
Now, I bet your guy is nowhere near this misrepresentantative, but I bet there are things you can see that show you that there is something really amiss here. Your love for him won't let you TRULY see these things, nor can you FEEL these problems. But they are there.
I bet, anyways. It's been my experience. Love makes you utterly blind.
I'm so sorry FMA. I know what you're saying though...love does make us overlook so many things and even not see what is right in front of us. I'm so sorry she's involved in that. I know that has to hurt terribly.
How long has she been using? I can imagine it feels like a huge betrayal to not have known about this part of her life. I'm told to just roll with the feelings because you'll have to deal with them sooner or later. I'm for sooner than later but it truly does suck.
thanks, chapter2, that so sweet! i think i'll defintly get that book you recommended, i think i really could use the help.
i dont know how ur feeling today, but im finding its getting harder, like my resolve is breaking, and i just want to run into his arms and everything will be fine. are you finding this? i think its because like you said, if they were jerks, (thank god theyre not), but dont you think it would be so much easier to walk away from. im really struggling trying to get my head around that. i think that silver lining has made it the hardest part for me
im so sorry, i was trying to be some kind of support for you, but i've ended up going to bits! lol! i think for now, it'll have to be brave faces all round, if you've got any good coping methods i'd be happy to hear!
i know this sounds cruel, but i've noticed with me, that i cant help but resent my single friends, like im angry, like they dont know how hard it is to walk away, they just keep telling me, i shouldn't call him or txt him, but to me it just cant be that back or white. there's too many greys surrounding me at the minute i cant see past them.......is that bad of me? have you noticed anything like this?
ur analogy with the children is spot on by the way, the only thing i cant get my head around is, is that although staying together is unfair to both parties, but isn't walking away just as unfair to both? because there's still so much love there?.......im sorry, i really dont want to confuse you, amist all my babbling, im just trying to make some sense of all of it.
i hope your coping better than i am,
lots of love, hugs
fran
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All in all, it has been the healthiest relationship I have been in. We are both in our 40's, have a child each from previous relationships. 
I'm getting hammered on another site with people staying I'm just looking for a ring. I'm truly not. I only want the reassurance that we're working towards the same goal someday. I am not anywhere near marriage but I think its important to know if you are with someone that even wants that. Kind of like agreeing on whether or not you want kids...its kind of important to talk about.
i think for now, it'll have to be brave faces all round, if you've got any good coping methods i'd be happy to hear! 
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