[bianca0418]

Hello Everyone,
I recently found a conversation log saved on my boyfriend's computer (yes, I know I couldn't fight the snooping temptation) between him and two women. One woman was from a video game website (Altima for those of you that know) and another was an old friend on his yahoo messenger. One of the gals was from NY (he's currently living in CA to be with me but originally from NY) and he flirted with her extensively complimenting her on how gorgeous she is, how they should play doctor & nurse, how they should have dinner next time he visits NY, and goes as far as denying the fact that I exist to only later retract it and say he's indeed in a relationship. I couldn't believe my eyes. When confronted with it, he broke down (literally into tears) and admitted that there was no justification for his behavior and that the only reason why he did it was out of pure boredom (he hasn't made many friends since relocating) and out of spite when we have gotten into fights. Anyway, he insists that those women mean absolutely nothing (in fact, he "claims" they're fat and unattractive and was only doing it to pull their chain) and he regrets every minute of it. He also claims to never have spoken on the phone, seen or had any type of physical interaction with either of the two and says he will do anything to not lose me. Since then, he's tried to be at my mercy, deleted both messengers from his computer (not like he can't do it through other mediums anyway), and has consantly tried to contact me with apologies left and right. Three years down the drain, this idiot even relocated to the other side of the country for me and now he pulls this s***?!?!?! Oh, and I should mention that we met online. Go figure.

I know what you're all thinking, "Like i haven't heard THAT before!" And I completely agree. I've always been very clear about never putting up with infidelity but I'm a little torn as to whether or not this classifies as that. I've recieved different feedback from all sorts of friends but I would like to hear what an unbiased perspective would be like.

Thanks in advance,
Hearbroken in California

[Owl]

Yes...he cheated on you. Its called an emotional affair.

Let me rephrase this for you...

You met him online. Do you consider YOUR online experiences with him prior to meeting him as part of your overall relationship? Do you think that it was all part of the same courtship? That the feelings you began to develop with him online counted?

If yes, then how can you distinguish his acts online with these girls as anything different?

The medium doesn't matter...its all still being unfaithful.

[whichwayisup]

Oh, and I should mention that we met online. Go figure.

It could be he IS addicted to the online thing, the habit of chatting and getting to know women.

[GPFan]

You met him online and you're asking???

So sorry, I was feeling incredulous. The real question is why he is feeling so isolated and helpless. He joined you where you are, your network of friends and possibly family is already in place. He must feel that if things go down the tube in your relationship, then he will be the one set out on the curb with no one else to turn to.

And he is correct!

He might feel better if he makes appropriate (male only most likely) friendships and bonds with people in his social circle. Is there any way you can help him accomplish that?

[carhill]

Yeah, OP, introduce him to some guys in your area.

Yes, his online flirting and sex talk were disrespectful to you and the fact that he hid/omitted this information constituted an EA as defined here on LS. Any flirting with an old friend, especially if they were "more than friends" in the past, is a definite no-no.

The main positive IMO is that he appeared not to deny or gaslight you when confronted, though he did try to minimize things.