Ok, so, I think this is just me getting something off my chest, but here goes. I have still have had NC with the MM, but I miss him terribly. It is so difficult to "shut off" the love that I had for him. I think I am trying to make sense of it all, but I can't. Why on earth would my heart still feel for a man that has done so many horrible things to not only me, but also our children. I can't make any sense out of this situation. I still miss him. I'm not really hurting about it or anything, but it does get to me.
Is it the dynamics of an A that keeps me hooked? Is it all the drama that goes around with an A? I mean an EA becomes so emotionally charged. Is that why getting to the point of "enough is enough" is so hard to reach? I don't know. I'm sure it has a lot to do with one's personal psychology, but I am not sure. I really should hate this guy. There are things that he has done that no normal human being would think of doing to another person. If I were outside of the situation, I would hate him for the girl involved. No one does the things that he has done unless he simply has no conscience. Respond if you want, but I was just wondering some things. It could be a very personal experience, but maybe someone else can understand me.
You love who you thought he was, the fun and fantasy side. You miss how he made you feel when things were good. And yeah, you probably miss the intensity of the affair, the dramatic rollercoaster ride when things were on the up and up..
It's okay to miss him, just don't allow yourself to want him back because he is NOT the right man for you no matter how much he makes your heart feel good.
Focus on the yucky stuff about him and think long term - He is NOT a loving, faithful kind, giving man who can love and be with one woman.
I agree with WWIU, and I'd add...give it TIME. Things don't change overnight. They change with work, and with time.
You miss what you had...understandable.
But over time, what you HAVE will become much more important than what you HAD.
Don't beat yourself up about the road to getting to that point...just don't turn around and go back down the path you've already been on. Keep your eyes focused on where you're at and where you're headed, and you'll get to you destination.
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Wise...no. Been through enough to have learned to value wisdom...certainly!
It’s all of the above and then some. Which is why it makes for an especially complicated and difficult situation to remove yourself from.
And it’s not always that you’re missing the “person” ... or all the trouble that came with ... but rather you’re missing the fantasy, illusions, and all the fluffy hopes and dreams you once built around them. It’s that part folks have the most difficult time letting go of. The Hope. But those sand castles we build exist only in our heads, and the reality of the situation we’re living can often be quite different. As you’ve probably already come to realize.
You're doing well, all things considering. I'm "hoping" too ... and keeping my fingers crossed that you'll be able to move forward without slipping back.
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"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.” ~ Mark Twain
All the above advice is correct. The ache you hurt, has a direct correlation to the intensity of the relationship you and MM shared. It must have been burning hot... for a time.
Your heart wants and needs those feelings. Your body craves the endorphines released and processed into pleasure. Fortunetly your brain is in control now, keeping you from literally "selling yourself" for transient relief and short lived pleasure.
There are going to be times when it takes superhuman effort to resist. You are up to the task.
To quote a commercial.... You've come a long way baby....!
Thank you all for your insights. I have just been trying to figure out why I cannot hate this man. It is the strangest thing. He has done some really horrible things. However, I would prefer not to hate him because they always say that "There is a fine line between love and hate." By hating him I feel that I would still be allowing him to have control of my life. Hate eats away at people.
But that aside, I wish that I didn't still care about him in any way. I also do not want to use the excuse that he is the father of my children. He hasn't been a good father. He hasn't actually even tried to be a father, so it isn't that. I'm just unsure why I cannot completely shake him. I mean NC works for ending the relationship, but it doesn't end the residual feelings that still reside. I just wish I could turn off my heart. It would make the world easier, but then again, I could never be an effective mommy if that were the case.
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