Were you thinking about your SO when you betrayed them
I am just wondering. The ex has been writing apologizing. He did sound truly sorry, and to be fair he did answer my questions. He was such a brilliant liar so I'll never know if he doesn't lie now, but I am willing to accept his answer.
One thing however, he never answered. So maybe, those of you who had an affair can shed some light on it for me.
Were you thinking about your partners when pursuing the affair?
He send her a love letter and he says to me, that he just did it because that's what she wanted. For those of you, who didn't care about the girl, did you do the same? Or did you refrain from saying those things?
Is he honest with that? Or just continuing to lie?
I never cheated but if I'm writing love letters to another woman, then I have the intention of keeping her in my back pocket. He wasn't remorseful for what he did to you.
My question would be, how did you find out? Did he tell you? If so, was it after SHE dumped him?
If I were to be so stupid to cheat on my wife, and I felt remorse I would have ended it right away and let my wife know. To me, the affair isn't over until your spouse knows of the affair, doesn't matter if contact has been stopped.
How old is he? I would also contact his ex gfs to see if he has a pattern of cheating. I'm sure they can give you information that he would never give you.
We were in a LDR. I broke up, because he never had time, though he had good reasons. I asked him to spend half an hour a week on talking with me, but he couldn't do it. So I ended it, still loving him, still hoping to reunite. He did the same, or pretended to hope the same. He wrote me e-mails, saying that he loved me, that he missed me, that he wished we could solve this and to see me again. He stated, that he wanted to spend his life with me.
We were chatting, two weeks after the break-up, in skype, and all of a sudden, I was blocked from his contacts. It was so weird, and after being angry and miserable, I began to think about it. We had been in the middle of a talk, although it was coming to an end, and it had been friendly. He had given me a bad feeling for declining a phone call, but he wasn't very upset about it, so I didn't think this could be the reason. All through this relationship, ever since it became LD, we had technical problems of some sort: his texts never reached me, e-mail was lost, messenger crashed etc. I wrote him an e-mail asking him why he had deleted me, and after I didn't get an e-mail hours after, I logged onto his account.
I never did that before, and I really am shocked by myself. The only thing I can say in my defense: I didn't look for anything, I just checked wether my e-mail reached him, and wether he had read it, yet.
I logged off. And after half an hour, it hit me that there many e-mails to one girl, and one of the titles said "mi novio", so I logged back on. Shaking, and checked the dates, which were from the time we were still together. Long before the break-up. He had send her love-letters. E-cards, etc. There were pictures, kissing, holding each other.
He went with her for a vacation after visiting me. Directly after visiting me. He told me he would go with his family, that they would celebrate his father's birthday by having a trip. But it was a love trip.
He must have been planning it around my birthday.
Anyway, I told him that I knew. That he should change his password, which he did. He apologized, cried, took the blame, broke up with her. I think. This is the last thing I read, a small e-mail stating that he didn't want to continue. Nothing about me. He lies so well, they could still be together. She is on his skype-list still. Her phone-number.
I still can't understand it. It went on for about 2 months. At least the physical part did, the rest...I don't know.
I just would like to understand how it feels to do that.
edit: He is 27. I am 25. I don't have his ex-girlfriend's contact information.
Last edited by Nevermind; 7th May 2008 at 9:50 AM.
Personally, you'd be best off to cut your losses and drop him.
He's STILL got her name/number on Skype???
Then he's still cheating. This isn't hard to figure out.
He's changed his pw, and he's taken it a little more underground is all.
Since you're dating (and dating is when things should be at their peak, realistically) and he's ALREADY cheating on you (remember, dating is the "trial run" for marriage, and he's already hosed that up)...it bodes really poorly for the odds of a successful marriage. If he's cheating now, during the 'trial run'...he's far more likely to do it again when things slow down and become more ho-hum.
Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
__________________
Wise...no. Been through enough to have learned to value wisdom...certainly!
Because he was the love of my life, and I hoped (and this is what he expressed to do also) that we would reconcile.
I am sorry, that I cannot just say "history" and move on. I loved him. Plus, I don't really care. I just want to understand it. Without critizing anybody. Just understanding what goes on in a person that cheats and pretends to love somebody else all along. Can you actually love somebody and do this to them?
Nevermind - I am not a male but I did have an emotional affair with a male coworker. It started out as friendship (5 months) and moved into an affair which lasted 7 months. It ended soon after he was transferred to another job site.
You will probably get different responses to your questions and you will have to extract from them what you believe the reality is in your situation. I say your "gut" is the most reliable source to help you answer these questions.
But to give you honest but brutal answers to your questions from my experience:
1. Did I think of my SO while pursuing the affair? No, I did not. Not at all.
My affair followed a normal path - friendship, to attraction, to infatuation, to obsession, to addiction. It "snuck up" on me. I knew I was getting in "too deep" once it reached the infatuation stage but still thought I could handle it, control the feelings. It still appeared "innocent," so there was no thought that my behavior was in any way a betrayal to my SO.
But once it reached "obsession", there was no controlling it, no turning back.Once it reached this stage, 100 percent of my focus was on the OM. He consumes my every thought, controlled my every emotion, and motivated my every action. He and I created a fantasy world that was so enticing and so satisfying that we could shut the rest of the world out - ignored reality as it was.
The SO is not a part of the fantasy world. To think of the SO means you have to face reality and when you are in the throes of an affair, the last thing you want to think about is reality. The only thing that matters is the fantasy, the OM/OW, and how it all makes you feel. There is no thought of the SO.
I think there is a point in every affair where you you do start to feel uncomfortable, the point where you feel you have "crossed the line." The thing is everyone who "enters" an affair will draw that line in a different place. Intense emotions and cravings will drive the affair right across the line in some cases. In others cases, the "uneasy, uncomfortable" feeling will stop the affair from progressing.
In my case, the affair ended when it started to move outside the workplace and the OM and I admitted we wanted to cross the line into a PA. We didn't.
When the affair moved outside the workplace, we both felt "uncomfortable", but I think for different reasons.
In my case, my conscience started to kick in. I started to think, "THis doesn't feel "right." I still didn't think about my SO, though, even at that time. In my case, it was more the thought of going against my own value system. Believe it or not, I was more afraid that the OM wouldn't respect me, and I wouldn't respect myself, if we had sex, because, after all, I am a married woman.
What I am trying to say is, the decision to not cross the line had more to do with the thought of betraying my own value system rather than betraying or hurting my husband.
I think if emotions had taken over and we had crossed the line into a PA, I would not have thought of my husband until after the deed was done. The reality that I had betrayed my husband would have hit me in the face until AFTER THE FACT, NOT BEFORE. I would have had a difficult time walking into the house and looking my husband in the eyes knowing I could still feel the OM's kiss on my mouth and the touch of his hands on my skin.
My OM also felt "uncomfortable" but not because of any value system he had. I think he would have readily crossed the line had I been willing. He had been testing the waters for a couple months, feeling me out to see if I was "ready."
But once the affair moved outside the workplace, the OM became very uncomfortable. WHY? Not because of moral standards, but out of FEAR of retaliation from my husband. I didn't think of my husband, but yes, the OM thought of my husband - not out of any sense of respect, but out of FEAR.
The OM questioned me about my husband during every interaction we had outside the workplace: "Am I going to have a jealous husband after me? Is there going to be trouble if I call you in the evenings?
When I told the OM my husband was starting to get suspicions, that is when he cooled off and started to back away from me. So again, fear.
I will also mention, the OM had a live-in girlfriend at the time he started to pursue me. He always discussed the problems in their relationship with me. He often said, "Why can't she be like you. Why can't she understand like you do. Why doesn't she get me like you do."
But I do know now that there were lies - both to me and to her - as he tried to hold on to one (girlfriend) and pursue the other (me). She left him 4 months into the affair. That is when he went into full pursuit with me. I don't know if she even knew I existed. He said she left him for an ex-boyfriend (true? - I don't know).
I found out after our affair ended, that he was still in contact with her and that they had gotten together several times after she "left" him. Eventually she moved back in with her parents who live 8 hours away.
I also found out (he admitted it) that he was using HER cell phone that SHE paid for to send text messages to me. I wondered for the longest time why he would never CALL me on the cell phone and why he always insisted I call him on his home phone, text him on the cell. He didn't want calls to show up on her cell phone bill. DUH? It took me a while to figure this out.
Lies and deceit.
I also had a few of my own to my SO. I denied the affair, telling him the OM was "just a friend." I was trying to convince myself that he was "just a friend", too, but I really knew better. I also went into the bathroom to call the OM in the evenings. I would tell my husband I didn't feel good or that I was talking to a girlfriend.
2. Did your husband mean what he said in the love letter?
Hard to say. I think it depends on the circumstances of the affair. Was this an EA or a PA? If it was a PA, how long did it take for their relationship to turn physical? How do you know he didn't care about the girl? Because he said so? Did you notice changes in his behavior at home? His behavior towards you? Did you feel any distancing in your relationship?
If the affair was strictly an EA, then I would say yes, he meant what he said at the time. Was it real love? No. But it "feels" like love The feelings are really that of infatuation - that romantic, giddy "high" that you get at the start of any new relationship. These feelings are so intense it is hard to keep them bottled up for long. You want your affair partner to know how you feel and when you can "spill your guts" to them, it comes as a relief and is a very freeing experience. Like in any relationship, the affair usually progresses into a PA or gets awkward and ends at this point. Infatuation can turn into real love if a normal relationship progresses, but there is nothing normal about an affair.
My OM sent me a Valentine's Card with a beautiful love letter in it, telling me how much I meant to him, how happy I made him and how glad he was that I had come into his life. He told me he meant every word and that I should get used to getting cards like that because it was going to be the first of many.
I do believe he meant what he said at the time. I did make him happy and we did have a special emotional connection for months before there was any thought of moving into a physical relationship. He didn't profess love, but I could tell from his face, his body language, and his actions, that he was "in love." This is not the same as real love, though, like the kind that exists between a husband and wife.
If your husband moved quickly into a PA after meeting the OW, and soon after he sent the love letter, then I would say he "used" the letter to "talk" her into a physical relationship.
If, on the other hand, they knew each other for some time, long enough for an emotional attachment to develop, then he meant what he said based on what he was feeling at the moment.
Sorry, nevermind, my post crossed with your subsequent posts giving details of your relationship.
I see, now, you were not married, but dating this guy in a LDR.
I agree with the above posters. He is still cheating. He is stringing you along like his Plan B.
It's hard to say if he meant what he said to this other girl.
And, like the other posters have said, it really doesn't matter if he meant it or not. HE CHEATED ON YOU. HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
That should be enough for you to realize it's time to move on. You have no ties to this guy (you aren't married) and he apparently has none to you (he cheated).
Be glad it happened now and not after you had a ring on your finger and a couple kids at your side.
Personally, you'd be best off to cut your losses and drop him.
He's STILL got her name/number on Skype???
Then he's still cheating. This isn't hard to figure out.
He's changed his pw, and he's taken it a little more underground is all.
Since you're dating (and dating is when things should be at their peak, realistically) and he's ALREADY cheating on you (remember, dating is the "trial run" for marriage, and he's already hosed that up)...it bodes really poorly for the odds of a successful marriage. If he's cheating now, during the 'trial run'...he's far more likely to do it again when things slow down and become more ho-hum.
Nevermind,
Sorry but Owl is right. Actions speak louder than words, and unfortunetly it shows that he's still in contact with her. The reason why it even got to this point is that you found out. He didn't come to you. That speaks alot. He's disrespectful, lying, cheating and only cares about himself.
Trying to understand all of this is hard. However with his age and by his actions, it's really based on his immaturity. Don't put your own self-worth into this guy, don't think that you caused him to do this. Good chance he's done it with past gfs and will do it on future ones. This other girl probably has no clue that you even exist.
I've been in your situation and at times I still look back on how my ex could do what she did. We were engaged, with each other for 5 years.. We were both a very close couple.. She cheated, and that was the end of that. I guess this is just one situation where you will just shake your head and realize there is no good explationation on why things happened the way they did.
You can only learn from this and use this towards your next relationship. Hang in there, it does get easier!
I am such a worthless creature. how could i dare hope that anyone could ever love a thing like me?
i didn't do it, because my brother, whom i share a flat with, was coming home. i just had cut a little, to see how much it would hurt.
but i think, that even for something like me, you should not laugh about.
Nevermind - please get help, quickly. If you're self-harming - however "little", you're in a place where you need intervention.
Whether or not you think of yourself as a "thing", or as having worth, is beside the point right now. You are not in the state of mind where you're best placed to make that call - a professional will determine what kind of help you need and make sure you get it. Once you are back in a happier place, you will look at yourself a little more realistically and take control of your life, and your situation, again. But for now - get help.
I wanted the truth, so I changed his passwords. And of course, he called.
I sat in the kitchen, with a knife, and when I told him, he laughed.
I am such a worthless creature. how could i dare hope that anyone could ever love a thing like me?
i didn't do it, because my brother, whom i share a flat with, was coming home.
i just had cut a little, to see how much it would hurt.
but i think, that even for something like me, you should not laugh about.
And by you cutting yourself, what has this accomplished? Do you think you would get him back? Do you think you are at fault for what he's done? Why are you basing on what you are worth on his actions?
I would guess about 90% of society has been cheated on, whether they knew/know of it or not. You are definetly not alone. By trying to kill yourself you are putting a permanant solution to a temporary problem. When you put your happiness based on what he says or does, then you will eventually come to the point where you are at now.
Nothing you said or did caused this. Don't try to blame this on any attributes that you have either. He did this due to his immaturity. There would be a few dead women if all his ex's were to have killed themselves. I urge you to get the help to get through this.
I can guarantee you that you will feel better about all of this once you truly realize that the problem is with him, not you.
Besides this guy, how is your life going otherwise? How is your family, friends, work/school? Has this been a pattern, having bfs that cheat on you?
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You are not worthless! I can't believe you would even think that.
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