I did a search on the threads and didn't see what I'm looking for, so I hope my question isn't repetitive. Here's the question: for those of you who have recovered from the emotional trauma of your divorce, what did your recovery look like?
How long did it take?
Did you seek therapy? (What kind, how often?)
What were the biggest hurdles to your recovery?
Was fear of remarriage an issue for you? Why? (Was it based on an underlying fear of being hurt again?)
I ask because my boyfriend of over a year flipped out on Sunday about getting remarried. He essentially broke up with me, saying he was suddenly unsure whether he loved me and unsure whether he wants to get remarried. This came on the heels of learning that his ex is getting remarried next month. We had an otherwise healthy, close, happy relationship - the happiest and healthiest I've ever had...so I was completely blindsided by his meltdown.
I'm pretty sure he didn't properly deal with the emotional aftermath of his divorce when the separation occurred - so now it's coming back to bite him in the a**. As someone said to me, you just don't escape a divorce unscathed, and he now faces a lot of work to deal with his feelings. So I'm trying to get a handle on what that work is going to look like for him.
it took me a couple years to put it behind me(and in some ways,still have issues w/ it). therapy, well back then,noone went to therapy. biggest hurdles was family reunions, wife was cheating on me w/ my uncle and married him. yea i was scared to remarry. in a way i now feel bad, about how i went about it, but that's another story.
It took me a really long time to get over my seperation and divorce. We were together for almost 9 years in total- from dating to divorce.
It happened 5 years ago for me... and although I got over my love for him within a reasonable time frame... it took longer to work through the pain of the failure, life changes, and coming to terms with the pain it caused me.
I have dated 3 people since then - two of them lasted just under a year, and the other was six month. The rest of my dating experiences have been self imposed meaningless entanglements that I knew wouldn't lead anywhere...
In my more serious endeavours at dating, I have found myself sabotaging them out of fear and resentment stemming from my failed marriage.
I think the hardest thing for me has been to trust someone with my feelings again. I have to admit I do a lot of pushing people away. When the possibility of a "good thing" comes along... I get scared and ultimately get cold feet. I walked away from and hurt two good guys- and I pushed another good guy away from me out of fear.
It's only been recently that I feel I have reconciled with my past fears and now want to settle down again. I've only been dating undesireables for the last 2 years because I know it can't amount to anything and therefore can't hurt me.
I think it's safe to say that his feelings for you might have triggered some fears he has yet to reconcile with. I bet if you are patient and give him some space- he will appreciate it and come to his senses. SOmetimes when I get a little close to someone I really like I have to retreat from them... but I will normally come back feeling better about the relationship once I have caught my breath.
We all operate on different timelines when it comes to getting over our past hurt. He's probably experiencing cold feet... If you love him, be patient with him- he may only need to go into his cave for a bit to realize what he has with you.
[*]How long did it take? -- Two years for the divorce itself. Four years to achieve final settlement.
[*]Did you seek therapy? (What kind, how often?) --Thought about it. Didn't do it. Surviuved anyway!
[*]What were the biggest hurdles to your recovery? -- Her! She just couldn't let go even though she married as soon as she legaloly could and her husband was the boyfriend she met seven months before we separated and divorced. She still *needed* constant contact with me until i finally threatened to get a restraining order.
[*]Was fear of remarriage an issue for you? Why? (Was it based on an underlying fear of being hurt again?) -- Yes, for about the first year. My life was in turmoil because of the ending of a 25-year marriage. My trust level regarding women was zilch and I was really quite content alone.
__________________
"Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it."
It took about 6 months after D-day to get rid of 99% of it, including the divorce finalized. The last percent took a little longer, even to the point of considering reconciliation for a couple days about a year after D-day. That final letting go was it. We were and are done permanently to the point where I can't even be bothered to stay in contact as an acquaintance.
Did you seek therapy? (What kind, how often?)
Yes, I went to individual counseling for a couple of months.
What were the biggest hurdles to your recovery?
When I finally forgave him after the divorce knowing he was getting therapy for his NPD, I tried to help him as a friend. This was a mistake since he was very clear about never wanting to split and wanting to get back together. He did get to me after awhile, hence the few days consideration for reconciliation. In hindsight, maybe this was good too, in that it was the final letting go, at least for me.
Was fear of remarriage an issue for you? Why? (Was it based on an underlying fear of being hurt again?)
My rose-coloured "forever" glasses appear to be broken and can't get up. I don't know if I ever want to get married again, although I'm not 100% against it. It had better be a rock-solid/ground-shaking relationship.
Some of this averseness doesn't come solely from the ex-H. Part of it comes from the past year and a half and the relationship cynicism that built-up. I've had some good experiences with dating and some odd periods of Fantasy Island.
__________________ Get busy living or get busy dying!
Last edited by Trialbyfire; 7th May 2008 at 2:08 AM.
I got over my divorce rather quickly. My marriage had become a day-in day-out living hell for so long that it actually came as a relief. As soon as my husband walked out on me to be with the OW, the obsession I had ceased to rule over my better judgement and I stopped wanting him almost immediately. It was just further proof that the man I had stubbornly wanted to keep over the years was a class A jerk.
When this happened it was during a period of reconciliation after having beeen separated for year. I was the one who left the first time and, no, there was nobody waiting on the wings. I took him back believing that he would change his ways as he had promised. Of course, he didn't. They never do. Who you see in front of you is who you get. This was yet another lesson learnt in a long, endless string of lessons.
I soon made new friends that were fun and positive and they swept me up in their activities and optimism. Suddenly, I found a life with NO PAIN and that inself was a novelty to me.
I also had my daughter, then, eight years old, who was a constant source of joy to me. I focused on raising her well and this gave me a purpose in life. Life began to smile at me again and I was happier than I had ever been in my tortuous marriage. I lost all interest in men and relationships for five years. UNTIL..but never mind that's another story.
Today, I know that I will decidedly not remarry. I see no point in it. I don't believe in its necessity unless you are young and want to start a family. I know what marriage can become plus I treasure my independence way too much. I wouldn't put myself in a compromising position again.
This is not to say I don't miss having someone special in my life. I do. But I will not settle for anything less than what I deserve. Even if I were to find that someone who would be so much in sync with me, I still would not remarry or live with him on a permanent basis. I would prefer we both had separate living arrangements.
Oh, and no, I didn't seek therapy. I don't believe in it. My family and friends and my own strong will and determination got me through the hurdle...and of course my daughter. She meant the world to me. For her, I had to get happy.
__________________ I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it. Voltaire
We were separated for around 5 years before filing, so by the time the divorce became final I was already pretty much over it. Divorce was by mutual agreement in the end but still took a year or so to thrash out.
No therapy - not my thing.
No hurdles
and No
now recovering from the one AFTER him is another thing altogether...
I don't think that you can generalise from individual experiences of divorce. Factors that can compound the problems associated with divorce include: children (because contact with the former spouse is maintained over a long period of time), the cause of the breakup (where infidelity is involved, the betrayed spouse may find it difficult to trust and may be put off the idea of remarriage), length of the marriage (the longer, the more difficult it is to find one's feet again), personality (largely determined by childhood experience - attachment).
I was married for 18yrs, wife cheated 8 months ago (emotional affair later developed into physical affair), filed for divorce which should be finalised any day now. It was tough at first, particularly with 3 children. The experience has led me to reconceptualise relationships with women. I no longer see relationships as a necessity, but a welcome addition to my independent life.
You need to give your BF time to consider the type of relationship he wants to have with you.
It took me a really long time to get over my seperation and divorce. We were together for almost 9 years in total- from dating to divorce.
It happened 5 years ago for me... and although I got over my love for him within a reasonable time frame... it took longer to work through the pain of the failure, life changes, and coming to terms with the pain it caused me.
I have dated 3 people since then - two of them lasted just under a year, and the other was six month. The rest of my dating experiences have been self imposed meaningless entanglements that I knew wouldn't lead anywhere...
In my more serious endeavours at dating, I have found myself sabotaging them out of fear and resentment stemming from my failed marriage.
I think the hardest thing for me has been to trust someone with my feelings again. I have to admit I do a lot of pushing people away. When the possibility of a "good thing" comes along... I get scared and ultimately get cold feet. I walked away from and hurt two good guys- and I pushed another good guy away from me out of fear.
It's only been recently that I feel I have reconciled with my past fears and now want to settle down again. I've only been dating undesireables for the last 2 years because I know it can't amount to anything and therefore can't hurt me.
I think it's safe to say that his feelings for you might have triggered some fears he has yet to reconcile with. I bet if you are patient and give him some space- he will appreciate it and come to his senses. SOmetimes when I get a little close to someone I really like I have to retreat from them... but I will normally come back feeling better about the relationship once I have caught my breath.
We all operate on different timelines when it comes to getting over our past hurt. He's probably experiencing cold feet... If you love him, be patient with him- he may only need to go into his cave for a bit to realize what he has with you.
I hope it works out for you.
Raising hand! Yea! That's me!
Give him some "Cave-time!" Might be six months or more?
__________________
I may not be perfect! But, parts of me are pretty awesome, and I'm working on the rest!
The experience has led me to reconceptualise relationships with women. I no longer see relationships as a necessity, but a welcome addition to my independent life.
Right now it's been about 3+ years since the separation, and I would say I still have SOME issues concerning my divorce. I'm definitely over the love for him. That took about a 1-2 years? But I still have some anger and resentment.
The problem with "recovering" from divorce, it all depends on what state of mind you are currently. And healing from it is not an absolute. You bounce back and forth, slowly getting better as each day turns into weeks into months into years. And reflecting on the steps of your healing process is difficult to pin point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshinegirl
[*]Did you seek therapy? (What kind, how often?)
Yep. Everyone, including him, told me to go, so i went. The therapist saw me 4 times, then told me I didnt need it anymore. All i needed was time to heal.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshinegirl
[*]What were the biggest hurdles to your recovery?
I would say putting my life on hold for about a year. I was planning to move to another city and get a new job, but could not do that until our home was sold. I was pretty much isolated from my family and friends for about a year.
On the other hand, it was good for me to do some good soul searching.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshinegirl
[*]Was fear of remarriage an issue for you? Why? (Was it based on an underlying fear of being hurt again?)
When I first separated, it wasnt. Now that I've been living alone for 3 years, I'm not really sure I want to get remarried. I'm really comfortable not being accountable to anyone, not needing to compromise with anyone, and having my own space. I think about the time living with my husband, and I dread having that life again. Just the day to day stuff gives me dread. It was so boring, comfortable, yet boring. Living alone for the rest of my life doesnt sound too appealing either So i'm conflicted.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshinegirl
I ask because my boyfriend of over a year flipped out on Sunday about getting remarried. He essentially broke up with me, saying he was suddenly unsure whether he loved me and unsure whether he wants to get remarried.
Sounds like me! I've been seeing my boyfriend for about a year now, and I've told him I dont know what I want right now, marriage, kids, none ever. If he forced a decision upon me, I'd probably break up with him. Thankfully, he's been amazingly supportive and just wants to be with me as I want to be with him. To me, now, a year seems _awfully_ short to know whether you want to be married, or even live with someone.
Plus, I'm no longer obsessed with labels. No longer obsessed with being a "wife" or "mother". In reality, being married versus simply spending your life with one person is _absolutely_ the same thing. It still takes time to reach the end goal. So I dont really see the point of rushing into marriage.
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When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock somewhere else.
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I don't think that you can generalise from individual experiences of divorce. Factors that can compound the problems associated with divorce include: children (because contact with the former spouse is maintained over a long period of time), the cause of the breakup (where infidelity is involved, the betrayed spouse may find it difficult to trust and may be put off the idea of remarriage), length of the marriage (the longer, the more difficult it is to find one's feet again), personality (largely determined by childhood experience - attachment).
I understand. It’s such a personal path for each person. My BF has a number of the compounding factors you mentioned: a child; his ex cheated on him; and a 12 year marriage. On the plus side, they are good co-parents to their daughter, and they never put her in the middle of their stuff. They are remarkably civil to each other. Frankly, if there was any ugliness between them, I would hesitate to be involved with him.
That being said, at some level I have always wondered whether he had truly processed everything. My boyfriend isn’t terribly introspective. He no longer loves his ex-wife, but I think he has tried to stuff down his anger/resentment/feelings of failure/fears of the future for some time now. It all came to a head over the last few weeks, and he was in such a state Sunday night that he finally called and made an appointment with a therapist. He’s never done that before, and he was crying and upset and seems now to clearly understand that he’s in a bad place.
It sounds like most of you did not go to therapy or, if you did, it was pretty short. I’m a little surprised to hear that, and wonder if those of you who didn’t see a therapist think you might have gotten through some of your stuff faster if you had?
What I didn’t mention in my original post is that he said he’s met someone at work…so not only is he not sure he loves me, not sure he wants marriage, but now he’s interested in someone new and he didn’t want to cheat on me and therefore we needed to break up. While it was incredibly upsetting for me to hear that, I (1) trust he’s telling me the truth that nothing’s happened with her yet and (2) believe she’s just an escape mechanism, a shiny distraction that would enable him to avoid dealing with his crap. The timing of this new person is just too coincidental – before 3 weeks ago, and the news of his ex getting remarried, he was happy as a lark with me.
I think I convinced him that the new girl is a side issue. And, whether or not we survive this, he will only hurt himself more by leaping into something new with her – where he would bring unresolved baggage from his marriage AND from me. He agreed that he won’t pursue anything with her for the time being.
Trialbyfire:
Quote:
My rose-coloured "forever" glasses appear to be broken and can't get up. I don't know if I ever want to get married again, although I'm not 100% against it. It had better be a rock-solid/ground-shaking relationship.
This sounds so sad to me. What if you met someone great who still had “forever” glasses? Would you think they are naïve?
Marlena:
Quote:
I also had my daughter, then, eight years old, who was a constant source of joy to me.
My bf’s 6 year old daughter is the apple of his eye. I love to see them together and it’s part of what I love about him. He is an amazing, loving dad to her.
D-Lish:
Quote:
I think it's safe to say that his feelings for you might have triggered some fears he has yet to reconcile with. I bet if you are patient and give him some space- he will appreciate it and come to his senses…
Nomad:
Quote:
You need to give your BF time to consider the type of relationship he wants to have with you.
Gunny:
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Give him some "Cave-time!" Might be six months or more?
Dgiirl:
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If he forced a decision upon me, I'd probably break up with him. Thankfully, he's been amazingly supportive and just wants to be with me as I want to be with him.
Several of you seem to think this may be temporary, and/or that it may help him for me to be supportive while he's going through this.
I am getting conflicting advice from others – namely, that he’s put me through a lot already (we had a brief breakup last summer while he considered a last-minute reconciliation with his ex for the sake of his daughter) and it’s time for me to walk away / focus on myself. Part of me agrees with that, but another part of me agrees with you guys about being supportive.
I think I have already surprised him by being calm, reassuring, and loving even in the face of his meltdown. On Sunday, I was crying and upset, naturally, but I told him I loved him (even if he doesn't love me) and wanted his happiness and that he needed to sort himself out first and foremost.
We talked later that night, and he was actively seeking my perspective on what’s going on with him. I kept saying “my opinion doesn’t matter on this – you are the one that has to figure out what it means that you’re attracted to someone else, that you’re confused about whether you love me even though I was paying attention and would say that yes, I do think you love me.” And he kept saying, “no, your opinion does matter. I want to figure out what’s going on with me so I stop hurting the important people in my life… have you always been this good at this? Why are you being so supportive? You should be throwing books at me and instead you are concerned about my well being.” And at the end of our call he thanked me for "being me".
So I guess the bottom line question for me is: am I being a doormat, or otherwise stupid, if I stick with him through this?
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So i'm conflicted.
What if you met someone great who still had “forever” glasses? Would you think they are naïve? 
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