My husband had an affair starting back in January and as far as I know it ended almost 1 month ago. It was a friend of ours and I thought this would never happen....I think that he still thinks of her a lot and I don't know what to do to get him back, if that's at all possible. I want to work through all of this because we have been together for 17+ years and have 2 wonderful children. I feel like I'm the only one trying and it's making me angry. I get sickened thinking of how many times he snuck off to be with this woman. He lied to me snuck around cheated and told this other woman he loves her. What does she have that I don't? We have so much history together, and have done so much together. Am I that disgusting and boring that he has to go to someone else.He said that she made him feel young again. Is this all due to a mid-life crisis?
My husband had an affair starting back in January and as far as I know it ended almost 1 month ago. It was a friend of ours and I thought this would never happen....I think that he still thinks of her a lot and I don't know what to do to get him back, if that's at all possible. I want to work through all of this because we have been together for 17+ years and have 2 wonderful children. I feel like I'm the only one trying and it's making me angry. I get sickened thinking of how many times he snuck off to be with this woman. He lied to me snuck around cheated and told this other woman he loves her. What does she have that I don't? We have so much history together, and have done so much together. Am I that disgusting and boring that he has to go to someone else.He said that she made him feel young again. Is this all due to a mid-life crisis?
Most men cheat because they want 'excitement'... they get bored and want someone 'new'.. They want to feel 'wanted'.. they want to hear that they are 'great in bed', good looking, smart, etc.. etc...
She probably doesn't have anything more than you.. except she makes him feel special and he obviously craves that feeling.
If I were you, I would move on.. but only YOU know if that's what you want... because to be honest, I don't think he will change.. he may well be past the point of no return..
Sorry but M are 'éphémères' (means they don't last forever anymore)..
__________________ "Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." -- Groucho Marx
She has NOTHING on you! YOU are the mother of his children. YOU were the one he went to during some of his darkest days. It was YOU that he married. It was YOU that he holds, and will always hold near and dear to his heart and soul. It is YOU that nursed him back to health when he was sick! It was YOU that he has shared 17 years of his life with.
SHE has NOTHING on YOU! I can only image what you are feeling, and what you feeling is normal. Anytime someone is cheated on, your self confidence takes a good kick in the gut. People that cheat are SELFI*****hey only think of themselves. She is brand new, and all shiney. She doesnt fight with him, she understands him, she feels sorry for him...SHE IS IN A FOG! Lets face facts. It wont last, they usually never do. He is looking for something that was missing from the marriage...perhaps the chase, the excitement, a new person to have sex with. The thrill of catching and receiving. It takes two! She knew exactly what she was doing too...and she is as much to blame as he is.
What would I do? I honestly, would tell my EX, go to her. Get it out of your system. Move out..leave me and our children. It will cost you monetarily now more, you will now become a part time father to your children...and shes worth all that, right?? So yep...go to her. I couldnt trust that everytime he was with me, he was thinking about her. Besides, how to you get past the fact he has had sex with another woman??
Nope. I would let him go to her. Get it out of his system. He will find out the hard way, what this affair has cost him, and trust me, he wouldnt think it was worth it soon enough. I would begin moving on with my life. I really would. I would show him the new and improved me. The independent me. I would start working out, buy myself new clothes, go out with the girls...oh yeah. I would start living my life and showing him that this is the reality of your wife now being single.
It wont last..trust me..it wont. He will be knocking on your door one day soon once the "fog" has lifted. But by then, you will have grown sooo much..that you just might not want him back...but if you do, you will know that he got her out of his system..that he realized she wasnt worth losing his family for...but he has to lose you first, before he will realize what he has lost. How can he miss you, if you never leave. Make him leave.
Guessjeans - I agree with all what you said, except the motive for change. I would change for me and no one else. In order to become more fully human, one must start from a good place devoid of resentment, learn from the past and embrace the future. Do you not believe that a brighter future is possible without your husband? He took himself away from your world and he chose to do it in the most uncaring and unloving way. People cheat with all kinds of people and not necessarily with 'better' people. Often the opposite in fact. Don't put your life on hold, start living - there are no retakes!
My husband had an affair starting back in January and as far as I know it ended almost 1 month ago. It was a friend of ours and I thought this would never happen....I think that he still thinks of her a lot and I don't know what to do to get him back, if that's at all possible. I want to work through all of this because we have been together for 17+ years and have 2 wonderful children. I feel like I'm the only one trying and it's making me angry. I get sickened thinking of how many times he snuck off to be with this woman. He lied to me snuck around cheated and told this other woman he loves her. What does she have that I don't? We have so much history together, and have done so much together. Am I that disgusting and boring that he has to go to someone else.He said that she made him feel young again. Is this all due to a mid-life crisis?
How did you find out about your WH affair? How do you know he is having no contact with her? What is he doing to make your marriage better?
__________________ Some people just don`t get, what they just don`t get
Most men cheat because they want 'excitement'... they get bored and want someone 'new'.. They want to feel 'wanted'.. they want to hear that they are 'great in bed', good looking, smart, etc.. etc...
She probably doesn't have anything more than you.. except she makes him feel special and he obviously craves that feeling.
If I were you, I would move on.. but only YOU know if that's what you want... because to be honest, I don't think he will change.. he may well be past the point of no return..
Sorry but M are 'éphémères' (means they don't last forever anymore)..
I agree with all of this, except two parts.. The first of men wanting 'excitement'. I don't think men are looking for that as much as they wanting to feel 'wanted' again. When two people get so comfortable within a relationship the little things stop, and the feeling of 'being taken for granted' starts.
Also, marriages do last as long as you continue to show your love and put effort into it. It's just like a car, if you stop with the upkeep eventually it will break down.
At this point, you really need to allow him to make his own decision (if you want to stay in the marriage). Let him know that he is free to go, but if he does to never look back. However, if he wants to stay then MC needs to happen. There is more to this on why he did it than to 'feel young again'. At least I hope that's not the answer, because if it is then he really has maturity problems and with that thinking it can happen again. However I think he's not telling you the truth because he's already hurt you bad, and to let you know how he's truly feeling could make you even feel worse.
Be firm and confident and let him know that you refuse to be dragged through the mud anymore. Don't tolerate being disrespected. You also have to look at yourself the past 17 or so years and come to truth with yourself on what you could have done better in this marriage.
OP, welcome and sorry to hear about your problem...
What your H did was wrong and damaging. You can't change that, or him. You have doubts about yourself. How did you feel about yourself (and the M) prior to the A?
Why do you feel you're the "only one trying"?
Is your H now making overt attempts to be honest with you and sharing details about the A that would otherwise be painful for him or put him in a bad light?
Have you considered MC?
Was the "friend" one of your friends or his friends? Is she married?
I'll assume your H isn't a serial cheater. Have you asked him point blank what need/want he was getting met by the A that he didn't feel was getting met in your M? Something a bit "deeper" than "feeling young again". If not, ask and listen. Don't argue. Take it in and process it. You know your truth but it's important to hear his. I say this because you sound like you want the M to succeed and continue. You will later decide whether he is open to hearing you because I sense a lot of communicating coming from you in the future
Do you have a trusted confidant you can open up with whom you know will not be judgmental? This is surely a time for support. I encourage you to seek it out.
I've told him to leave but he doesn't want to leave his home. He wanted the freedom to come and go as he pleased. I don't know if he's still in contact with her, all I know is I want back the M we used to have before all of this happened. And I'm angry that it's not.
I caught him lying to me soooo many times and his parents ended up telling me that the woman went to Florida with them back in January. Her and her daughter. I don't know if he's talked to her he doesn't seem to know how to tell the truth. He hasn't done anything to make our M better. He's just keeping himself busy with work and he seems to avoid talking to me about anything personal.
Do you want happiness and someone that loves and respects you? Or do you want your marriage?
My advice, kick him out. You are enabling his behavior by trying to save something that he threw away. The more you try and work on the relationship, the less he will respond and think of the other woman.
Your sanity and happiness should not be discarded for the sake of your marriage. Until you start making that first, you won't be able to reclaim your husband and marriage.
It's going to get worse before it gets better. Stay strong and best wishes.
I've told him to leave but he doesn't want to leave his home. He wanted the freedom to come and go as he pleased. I don't know if he's still in contact with her, all I know is I want back the M we used to have before all of this happened. And I'm angry that it's not.
If you have him leave he will continue the affair and you cannot work on your marriage. Let him know you want your marriage but it will take the both of you to do this. It is a long road to recovery but can be done.
He has to earn your trust. Have him write a letter of NO CONTACT to her you read it and you both sign it and send it to her.
He needs to be open about all aspects of the affair, you need to find out what caused his affair, if you don`t find out the cause then it will most likely happen again. He needs to be an open book and you need to ask questions calmly. Even as hard as it is to get what info you can from him just try to remain calm, if he isnt as truthful as you would like in the beginning he will in time come out with it as he sees that you are being calm and not getting angry. Its difficult to do this but can be done.
You have been with this man for many years. Be the best you can be, work on yourself, eat right excersise ect. Make your home a place he wants to come home to. But set boundaries for him. He has to earn your trust.
Also what you both can and should do is each of you make a list of your ten top emotional needs. discuss them and work on them. Remember do you want to be right or do you want to be married? It is an emotional roller coaster for you but you can have a better marriage than before.
Last edited by american-woman; 8th May 2008 at 10:17 AM.
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Some people just don`t get, what they just don`t get
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