I never pictured myself posting in or even visiting a site about relationships, but I am having trouble coping with problems that have occured in my 11 year marriage and I guess I really have nothing to lose, so here goes. Several months ago I stared getting a weird vibe from my wife. We were going through some problems like most couples have in long term relationships, but I could tell she was getting really detatched emotionally. I did a little digging and to make a long story a little shorter, I discovered she had been having an affair of some sort with a man she went to school with. I say 'some sort' because I still don't know if they actually had sex or even met face to face during the relationship they had during our marriage. What I do know is they were speaking to each other very intimately for over two years before I knew anything about it. I know she spoke very poorly of me as did he about his wife. These are things she never said to me, but confided in another man. I also know that they did exchange erotic pictures through their cell phones. I think she at least thought at the time that she was in love with him. When I confronted her about it she said that it was only a conversational relationship and denied that she had sent him pictures, but admitted that he had sent her some. I accepted that but didnt really believe it. A few weeks later I told her I had evidence that she had sent him pictures too and she confessed. I also found his address written in one of her drawers. She claims that she only had it because he had found hers on the internet and she wanted to have his. I know that sounds like a lame excuse, believe me.
Anyway, she is now trying very hard to make our relationship better and I want it to be better as well. In some ways our communication is better than its ever been. The side effect of that is she has revealed things about her past that she has lied about since I first met her, for over a decade. I have no more evidence of anything, nor do I expect to find any. I'm at a point where if our relationship is to continue I have to trust her, but I can't. She's lied so much I dont know if she actually met this guy or not. She swears she didnt and I do believe she feels bad about what she did. The problem is the only time she confessed to anything about this was when I had evidence. Another big problem is that she had saved his picture on our anniversary, which is also coming up again soon. I want to forgive her and move forward, but I can't find closure to this whole thing because I really dont believe she has told me everything. She swears that she has, and like I said, I have no proof to the contrary.
Wow, I don't know how you can trust her. I hope you can find what you are looking for. I would have a problem with it. Have you thought about counseling? I think that the only way you can work through it is with some help. It may not work out the way you want it to, but at least you will get the answers you need.
she's lied about pictures. why in the heck would you believe ANYTHING else she says? her theory-- admit nothing until,he's got concrete proof.in the mean time she's lying some more. either go to therapy, or, kick to the curb. your call. to me she sounds alot like my ex, notice ex.
I'm at a point where if our relationship is to continue I have to trust her, but I can't. She's lied so much I dont know if she actually met this guy or not. She swears she didnt and I do believe she feels bad about what she did. The problem is the only time she confessed to anything about this was when I had evidence. Another big problem is that she had saved his picture on our anniversary, which is also coming up again soon. I want to forgive her and move forward, but I can't find closure to this whole thing because I really dont believe she has told me everything. She swears that she has, and like I said, I have no proof to the contrary.
Have you told her this? If you have then you are doing your part. You might also want to consider writing all of this in a letter she can read when she's by herself. The point is that you don't allow her to create a false sense of security and that you expect her to be more forthcoming, otherwise goodbye marriage.
__________________ "If You Could See Yourself Through My Eyes, You Would Never Again Question Your Beauty"
Sadly Bill... you will probably never "forgive" or "get over it".. the best that happens in my experiance is that you "get through it"... Oh.. and there is no such thing as "closure" that's a pop culture myth. A subject is closed until something triggers the memory.. then it floods right back in.
You mentioned in your post that you were doing your best to make a better marriage.
What's your wife doing to make the marriage better? Is she working at it? She created the problem, is she working her butt of to overcome the problems she created?
I believe the answer to your short term problems lay in the question above. If she's trying hard.. .participate and try with her. If not? It may be the time to begin exploring other avenues.. and preparing for possible changes in the not distant future.
Have you discussed with her the need to prove to you that she's now being honest with you?
Here's the thing...you don't trust her. YOU SHOULDN'T. She's proven to you that she's willing to lie and cheat on you regardless of the damage it does to you.
That doesn't mean she's always going to be that way.
But it does mean that if she wants to be trusted again, she's going to have to PROVE that she is TRUSTWORTHY again. She needs to be open and honest about ALL the things around the affair...especially about how/when she communicated with OM. She needs to give you complete access to those lines of communication, so that you can SEE that she's no longer communicating with him in any fashion or form.
She needs to be prepared to openly answer any and all questions about the affair...without any holding back or hiding things from you.
This takes TIME and EFFORT to heal from. Have you sought a marriage counselor who can help you work through the damage to your marriage from her affair? This is HUGE...finding one who has a good gameplan for rebuilding your marriage is critical for recovery.
My experience has been different from LD's...you CAN recover from this...with time, and work. Your marriage can too...again, with time, and work. It typically takes two years...AT A MINIMUM...for a marriage to recover from this kind of event. Longer, depending on circumstances.
This isn't a sprint...this is a marathon. You need to pace yourself, and keep that in mind. Recovery CAN'T happen overnight.
Go find a copy of a book "Surviving an Affair"...it can give you a great start into recovery. Start looking for a marriage counselor...and ask them what their normal "plan" is for healing/recovering a marriage from infidelity.
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Wise...no. Been through enough to have learned to value wisdom...certainly!
You have a long and tormenting road ahead of you. It has been one year since I discovered my wife was having a LDA over the cell phone. I also discovered she has been in contact with this man for 27 yrs, they used to date, they are 2nd cousins. She also told me this year she has finally gotten over her first husband after 29 yrs since their divorce. She has been hiding money, she has been lying about her past, there was an abortion, nothing is too far out there. She has confessed some of this but most of it I found out about from reading her old letters and writings.....she has kept everything from her past.
As owl said she needs to be open and honest about everything......she won't be. After one yr I still have really bad days. I don't trust her, I have lost most of my respect for her and trying to stay in love has been quite difficult.
You have to look at the big picture......we have 3 kids together and we have built a life together. You need to look at what you have together. I know that I thought we had a great relationship all these 27 yrs.......boy can life be deceiving.
If you decide to hang in there you are surely going to be thrown some more curves from her. The most unbelievable things are going to come out of her mouth. Good luck.
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This towns for losers....I'm pullin outa here to win
Hey, I am very sorry for your loss here... What she does not understand is that she has very badly damaged your bond towards here. You will never forget this, and trying to trick yourself into forgetting it will never work.
Your title says "How to forgive". Well, I think that you should do some research on how to properly forgive someone. Forgiving is not the same thing as forgetting, it also does not mean that you condone the actions which took place or agree with them. Forgiving is something which benefits you, and in turn your relationship. Forgiving is coping with these negative issues which plague your mind constantly.
Forgiving is a very deep process, which can take between a minute to many years depending on what it is and how you accept it and so forth. Forgiving is all about conquering yourself, understanding and accepting what has happened, and adjusting to live with it. Forgiving requires understanding yourself, understanding the conflict, and understanding that you can move past it. If you can not understand all three you can not forgive.
My advice to you would be to think deeply about where you see yourself in another 5 years... With her? Or alone? Depending on which one of those two answers you decide on try to imagine what you would need to do in order to reach that goal. Only you have the answers which you seek, no one here can guide you better than your own judgment. You know your relationship between your wife and yourself better than anyone here could. Dont weigh your decision on someone else's experiences, you will make a grave mistake!
Search google for how to forgive, you will find your answer.
Forgiveness is hard. But accept that we're all human. We're allowed to make mistakes. If you can "accept" that it's easier to forgive. But repeating the same mistakes is what seperates those who maturely accept responsibilities from those who have yet to learn their roles and responsibilities are when committing themselves to an worthwhile relationships. Unfortunately, the level of committment people are willing to give are based on their upbringing. Sounds deep. But they do affect our behavior, choices and how lead our lives.
Sounds like she has a few more corners to turn umtil she realizes the realm of her actions. You can't force anyone to grow. Everyone grows up at a different pace.
What you need to figure out is decipher what she is telling you to be truthful. And how you determine that is....her actions and behavior. Remember, cheaters have mastered the art of lying which explains why some affairs have lasted longer than marriages they've cheated on.
Another is go with your GUT instincts. They can be very powerful guidance. We all have it. Use it. Don't disregard it.
At some point, you will have to decide whether or not you want to wonder everytime you're at work, she's away, whether she's being faithful. The question is whether or not that is the life you wish to lead with this person.
Tough choice. But, the toughest choice if often the best and only choice in order to save yourself.
At some point, you will have to decide whether or not you want to wonder everytime you're at work, she's away, whether she's being faithful. The question is whether or not that is the life you wish to lead with this person.
Wow.......that sure makes me think.
Every time she is on the phone I wonder who she is talking to and I can't make myself ignore it.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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