[Bill1977]

Hi all,

I never pictured myself posting in or even visiting a site about relationships, but I am having trouble coping with problems that have occured in my 11 year marriage and I guess I have really have nothing to lose, so here goes. Several months ago I stared getting a weird vibe from my wife. We were going through some problems like most couples have in long term relationships, but I could tell she was getting really detatched emotionally. I did a little digging and to make a long story a little shorter, I discovered she had been having an affair of some sort with a man she went to school with. I say 'some sort' because I still don't know if they actually had sex or even met face to face during the relationship they had during our marriage. What I do know is they were speaking to each other very intimately for over two years before I knew anything about it. I know she spoke very poorly of me as did he about his wife. These are things she never said to me, but confided in another man. I also know that they did exchange erotic pictures through their cell phones. I think she at least thought at the time that she was in love with him. When I confronted her about it she said that it was only a conversational relationship and denied that she had sent him pictures, but admitted that he had sent her some. I accepted that but didnt really believe it. A few weeks later I told her I had evidence that she had sent him pictures too and she confessed. I also found his address written in one of her drawers. She claims that she only had it because he had found hers on the internet and she wanted to have his. I know that sounds like a lame excuse, believe me.

Anyway, she is now trying very hard to make our relationship better and I want it to be better as well. In some ways our communication is better than its ever been. The side effect of that is she has revealed things about her past that she has lied about since I first met her, for over a decade. I have no more evidence of anything, nor do I expect to find any. I'm at a point where if our relationship is to continue I have to trust her, but I can't. She's lied so much I dont know if she actually met this guy or not. She swears she didnt and I do believe she feels bad about what she did. The problem is the only time she confessed to anything about this was when I had evidence. Another big problem is that she had saved his picture on our anniversary, which is also coming up again soon. I want to forgive her and move forward, but I can't find closure to this whole thing because I really dont believe she has told me everything. She swears that she has, and like I said, I have no proof to the contrary.

Any advice?

[Bryanp]

You may wish to invest about 300 - 400 dollars and have her take a lie detector test. Some people have used this in the past. What usually happens is that the cheating spouse will tell the truth a day or so before the test. They of course are not 100 percent reliable but they are very very good.

It is because she has constantly lied to you over and over again that you need to do this. She has only confessed when you have solid proof. If she agrees immediately to the test when you bring it up I would see that has a very positive sign. My guess is that she will freak out because she knows she will not be able to lie herself out of it. Since she has continuously lied to you then I think it is fair to have her take the test and then you will for the most part no longer be in doubt. I wish you luck.

[mark982]

how many more lies will you find out about? your whole relationship was built on her lies.sure she's being all lovie dovie, you caught her, and she doesn't wanna lose you.big decision on your part, as there's no trust. can't live w/o that.