Late last summer I began an EA with a co-worker. We both were at similar stages of our marriages, children the same ages, shared a lot of personal stories, lunches, etc. The EA moved to a PA with hand holding, kissing, and just a "little" more. She felt tremendous guilt before the holidays and no longer wanted a PA. She was adamant about remaining "special" friends. We continue to work closely together in the same area which has proven difficult. I have tried NC, but it did not go over very well with her. She was very upset that we couldn't remain friends and continue our personal conversations of self, family, and children. She has commented that fun work activities already planned for the summer will be fun but not "great" if I am not right along side her.
Its like she wants the emotional part to continue without the physical part. After reading many posts here, I know what I need to do already regarding my spouse and family, but I can't help but wonder what she is thinking?
She's thinking that she can keep you on an emotional string, maintain that "coupledom" specialness, feel loved and desired--all without risking everything in a PA.
The irony, here, is that maintaining your sex-free love affair will damage, perhaps irrevocably, your respective marriages. One's spouse often becomes a intimate stranger, an "other" as a result of the forming of non-marital emotional and erotic bonds. There are always costs.
The result: you'll nuke your marriage without even the benefit of hot Affair sex. In short, you get the worst of both worlds: unconsummated love with your affair partner and increasing emotional distance from your spouse and family.
That's no deal worth taking.
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Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
- Oscar Wilde
Listen to grogster; spot-on. I've shared exactly the dynamic he enumerated with my wife, preparing her for her responsibilities going forward. In our M, she abandoned me emotionally and I finally tired of pursuing her. She'll have to decide if she can be intimate with me in that way, as I am with her. The "friend" kept me from dying inside but also kept me from seeing the truth about myself and my M.
The OP's female "friend" could get the emotional support/validation she needs from her girlfriends (this is much harder for a male to do with his friends) but she can only get her ego feed (the well-being that comes from knowing someone is attracted to you) from a man. Having the emotional receptacle and ego feed all in one package that requires only occasional fertilizer and water is very efficient and women are very wise in this regard.
I've found time is the best ally. All things become clear in time. Or so they have for me. Counseling helped a lot. I recommend it
The OP's female "friend" could get the emotional support/validation she needs from her girlfriends (this is much harder for a male to do with his friends)
Major gender stereotyping going on here! Some women just relate a lot better to men, and wouldn't dream of discussing intimate stuff like that with other women, and prefer to talk to men about it - whether or not there's a sexual undertone. Never heard of the "gay best friend"?
And as for men - well, listening to the discussion my son has with his friends, they must be women by your description! As must most of my guy friends.
I think the issue of where she might, or should, be getting that kind of stuff is secondary. More to the point is - OP, are you willing to be "it" for her? Given the risks outlined by the others, is this a role you're happy to play? If not, draw that boundary and tell her that ongoing intimacy whether physical or emotional threatens the closeness you need to build with your family, and so you can no longer be "special friends" in that way. If she really is your friend she'll understand and respect that.
I've spent a lifetime trying to connect with men emotionally and have been unsuccessful, so yes I take 50 years of experience and create a stereotype of my existence. I doubt your son is my age or has contemporaries my age. I have no interest in sharing my life experience with a man in his 20's. I haven't met any gay men I have anything in common with, though I do enjoy their company.
My wife is more like a man and relates better to men and wishes I was a "normal man". How's that?
I am not happy playing this role. Today, I told her that we could no longer be "special friends", that it threatens the closeness I need to build with my spouse and family. She was very quick to want to discuss in detail what would be allowed and not allowed. "So you don't want to be my friend?" she kept asking. She described my friendships with "guys" in the office and felt it wasn't fair that she couldn't even have that kind of relationship with me. Once we have conversations like this, I can't help but feel like I am acting cold, distant towards her and since I am not used to that I feel bad for having to do that. I do feel like a jerk, because I still have emotional and physical feelings that I am trying to supress.
I am not happy playing this role. Today, I told her that we could no longer be "special friends", that it threatens the closeness I need to build with my spouse and family. She was very quick to want to discuss in detail what would be allowed and not allowed. "So you don't want to be my friend?" she kept asking. She described my friendships with "guys" in the office and felt it wasn't fair that she couldn't even have that kind of relationship with me. Once we have conversations like this, I can't help but feel like I am acting cold, distant towards her and since I am not used to that I feel bad for having to do that. I do feel like a jerk, because I still have emotional and physical feelings that I am trying to supress.
It should be plate glass clear that, given your history together and feelings, being "friends" with this OW is nothing like being friends with the guys in the office.
For this woman, being "friends" is just another way to keep you emotionally connected to her. Please try to get out from under her thrall.
She felt tremendous guilt before the holidays and no longer wanted a PA. She was adamant about remaining "special" friends.
I have tried NC, but it did not go over very well with her. She was very upset that we couldn't remain friends and continue our personal conversations of self, family, and children.
She has commented that fun work activities already planned for the summer will be fun but not "great" if I am not right along side her.
... I can't help but wonder what she is thinking?
Quote:
Originally Posted by celeb4572
I am not happy playing this role.
Today, I told her that we could no longer be "special friends... She was very quick to want to discuss in detail what would be allowed and not allowed. "So you don't want to be my friend?" she kept asking.
She described my friendships with "guys" in the office and felt it wasn't fair that she couldn't even have that kind of relationship with me.
...I can't help but feel like I am acting cold, distant towards her and since I am not used to that I feel bad for having to do that. I do feel like a jerk
URGH!
She's making you feel bad about what YOU want to do (withdraw, go NC), or rather you're allowing her to manipulate you out and out: she does it with her 'reasoning' ("but you're friends with guys") and with emotional blackmail ("But my summer won't be great without you")... yuk yuk YUK.
At the same time, she lays down the law about what you're to accept: nothing physical, because she feels 'guilty'.
I agree with everyone else posting: you need to decide for yourself what you want (sorting out your marriage by the sounds of things?), then YOU TELL HER what is going to happen.
And don't buy into her emotional blackmail and persuasion. You have no reason whatever to feel cold, bad, or a jerk, since you're none of those things.
__________________
"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." ~ H. G. Wells
Tell her to quit being so selfish and self-centered.
This isn't all about what she WANTS....
What its REALLY about is what you NEED...for your wife and your family. Its about what SHE NEEDS too, but right now, she's so wrapped up in her own selfish desires that she's not willing to stop and acknowledge what HER FAMILY NEEDS FROM HER.
Not rocket science here...
__________________
Wise...no. Been through enough to have learned to value wisdom...certainly!
I agree with everyone else posting: you need to decide for yourself what you want (sorting out your marriage by the sounds of things?), then YOU TELL HER what is going to happen.
And don't buy into her emotional blackmail and persuasion. You have no reason whatever to feel cold, bad, or a jerk, since you're none of those things.
Thanks to everyone who has posted, these posts have really helped me stay strong. I feel like I should reply to everyone, not sure what the protocol is. I attempted once again to TELL HER what is going to happen today. She agreed to professional contact only within the workplace and no outside contact whatsoever. She still shook her head and said "at least I am looking for solutions to this like having some sort of friendship, you want nothing." I stayed the course, so I guess NC has begun, or my version of it since we do work together. I plan to focus a lot more on work while I am there and on my family when I am at home. I just need to keep busy with those things until time becomes my friend. Fingers crossed.
Last edited by celeb4572; 8th May 2008 at 10:10 PM.
It should be plate glass clear that, given your history together and feelings, being "friends" with this OW is nothing like being friends with the guys in the office.
For this woman, being "friends" is just another way to keep you emotionally connected to her. Please try to get out from under her thrall.
Good luck.
Anything I should prepare for in the coming days of NC? I am afraid she will "come off" ticked off and/or try to keep me connected in other ways I might not realize.
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