[allieapplesauce]

I was dating this guy, well i still kinda am i guess....he was separted and whatnot like beginning of last year 07...he moved out in like may 07 and the divorce was final like dec 07. she initiated it. me and him started being friends--like dating only in regards to him chasing and paying for things--but no intimacy...b/c he started persuing me...until like jan...when finally i kinda let things move beyond being friends. then like a week or two later he asked me to be his girlfriend. things were good for like a month...i'd slept over a few times and what not. then he got real distant with everyone we work with and hates his job and stuff....lately its like one day he is happier, the next he is moody. he started hanging out with the guys again but not so much me.

he isnt texting or calling. i have to initiate the text nad its just not the same flirty type responses. he said he still wants to date but needs to take it slower b/c of the bad marriage and what not. i just am not sure if i am the rebound girl or if he does like me but is scared to let it evolve? i've been stressing over this and part of me feels i should end it and not deal with his ****, but i really like him and want to fix it.

i dont know if i am expecting too much, im not very experienced with relationships. a couple weeks we had dinner, then the next week i spent the day and he cooked out for me and we rented a movie. but there was no intimacy until he walked me to the car and gave me a kiss.

he said yesterday to call him and i would maybe go over for a bit but then he texted me saying he was in a bad mood and didnt feel like hanging out. i called him (which would be like the first phone call in like 2 weeks--and he didnt call back.) today after work he is supposed to come over and i am gonna make us some dinner. i just moved into a new apartment this weekend.

its only a few miles from him instead of like 24--where i was living with parents. i didnt move here b/c of him. he used to be "smitten" with me. and say stuff about keeping me around.

i dont know much about divorce. im 25, he's about to turn 27. aside from if i have to call it quits...


what happens after divorce? does it sound like im a rebound? does it sound like he lost interest when there was no more chase? does it sound like he wants a rs but needs to go slow? i mean, i dont think there is anything wrong with me. i have a lot of real close girlfriends, but cant seem to catch a guy....

thanks for any help in advance.

[cyabye]

REBOUND MAYBE. Life for a man after divorce when the wife initiated can be humiliating causing a man's self esteem to go south. He will likely have trouble trusting another woman for awhile and you have to understand this. I personally am going through a divorce and know NOT to get involved with another until I can get myself straight and thinking clearly so I don't hurt someone else/myself while dealing with after marriage emotions. It's very important to give yourself (him) some time after a marriage or break up to heal. I commend him for communicating with you about being in a bad mood etc. Just talk to him. He is probably still hurting and trying to clear the air still.

Hope this helps,
cyabye

[sunshinegirl]

allie,

It's hard to tell. You might be a rebound, as cyabye said. I don't know all the signs of a rebound, but some of them are: he still talks about his ex a lot; you don't have a lot in common; he rushed into a relationship with you; he doesn't introduce you to friends/family; doesn't talk about the future. Maybe others can add more.

What do you know about how much he's processed his divorce? My boyfriend of over a year is also divorced and all seemed to be going well with us until Sunday, when he flipped out on me about getting remarried. In my case, he hasn't really processed things, even though they separated in Jan 06 and we started dating in Feb 07.

Talk to him. I think you need to learn more.

That being said, it's not a great sign that he's not contacting you very proactively. I'm sorry.

[allieapplesauce]

REBOUND MAYBE. Life for a man after divorce when the wife initiated can be humiliating causing a man's self esteem to go south. He will likely have trouble trusting another woman for awhile and you have to understand this. I personally am going through a divorce and know NOT to get involved with another until I can get myself straight and thinking clearly so I don't hurt someone else/myself while dealing with after marriage emotions. It's very important to give yourself (him) some time after a marriage or break up to heal. I commend him for communicating with you about being in a bad mood etc. Just talk to him. He is probably still hurting and trying to clear the air still.

Hope this helps,
cyabye

i guess it just didn't dawn on me that the divorced person could go through a stage of rebound...and that i would be it. i was just so giddy over the fact that he seemed to really like me. and i wasnt giddy at first. that happened like 4 months in as my attraction and fear started to dissolve and i let myself have those feelings. i didnt even want a rs for many reasons. 1. i lived at home still. 2. i worked with him. 3. i have very short rs with guys & was scared.

sunshine, he did always talk about the future and how he liked me and i was just so cool and pretty and he hoped i planned on sticking around for a long time and we should go to the beach etc. he would sing along with that sara bareilles love song song......its so cute. he is just so adorable. i cant stand it.

we do have a lot in common i think. we havent met family but he always talked about meeting mine. i almost met his dad when he had to stop over to help unload a washer but i declined cause we were still "friends" but it was right before more happened.

one or two friends said no im not a rebound. i dont know tho...its like some things fit some dont. i think im the first after. i think he liked me for months and months before we even really talked. then we were friends for like 3-4 months hanging out a couple times a month before anything happened---but then it did go rather fast and we got caught up.

it just seems that if he wanted a casual rs he would still contact?

last night he came over for like an hour. said i was an excellent cook. we complained about work. he said he'd show me this better way to work--since im sorta new to this area...i gave him a quick kiss...at one point when he picked up our dishes he gave me one and when i walked him to the car he gave me a kiss nad a long hug. sorta seemed like an i dont wanna let you go hug.....i dont know im so sad.

i am a nice girl wiht a good personality and im not that bad looking. i am so scared something happened that caused him to realize that the girl he was smitten with and thought was so hot and cool just isn't so....i know i shouldnt think like that though.

maybe im thinking too much of a future with him. not that im in love or that he is the one...but its real bad.

i was thinking of signing up for online dating...but i dont want to make some guy a rebound...or thats like cheating on my guy...

i feel kinda lonely having moved out. its not for him but still he always talked that when i moved out wed be spending more time to gether. now its like he wants his alone time.

my friend at work heard him talking to our other coworker today who asked how dinner was and my guy said it was good. but i guess the friend was mad b/c my guy didnt get online to play the game after.

so i dont know if there's anything to the guys saying anything to him or what....

boo

i dont know if it'll get better. i dont know if i should distance myself from him and see if he comes back or maybe he'll see me doing this and think i dont care anymore and then he wont approach me...

seems like with his ex when he was with her they broke up a lot. and no he doesnt really talk about her. maybe like 5-6 times in the last 7 months. and its only like b/c it somehow comes into play in our convo.

im sorry cyabye about he divorce. i can only imagine how hard that must be considering how im feeling in my circumstances and im no where near where you are in the relationship. good luck with it.

i'd still appreciate any other feedback about divorced feelings and how do you know when you're ready?

[cta7978]

Yep, I went through several rebound relationships after my divorce.. the guy doesn't know that they are rebound relationships.. but they are. There are some statistics that say a second marriage within 2 years of the divorce has a much greater chance of failing than after the 2 year mark. I think that tells us that jumping right into committed relationships after the demise of a marriage is a bad idea.

Yes, you are probably most definitely a "rebound", don't waste your time with this guy right now... call him back in a year.