Do you think it would be okay for me to back out of seeing her for Mothers Day. They are all going to a baseball game, and frankly I don't want to see my mom or my sisters.
I have been thinking about but I have not come to a decision.
My mom and sisters have been extreamly rude to my H and me. My mom does not call me then get's upset when I don't call her. Then she guilt trips me on the phone and passive aggresivly tells me about all the fun things she did with my other sisters.
They plan "family" outings and my H and I are never invited. I told my mom this hurts me twice in the past year and she still does it, then say's I do thing with out her so it's okay. Which I do, but not family things. I do things with friends, whom she has never even met. Then when I asked my mom, she said they were all invited by my sisters friend, which is a lie. So now they always tell me about things they are doing that I am not invited too because they were "invited" by my sisters friend to go. Like to SeaWorld, or the beach or something like that.
My dad (parents seperated) wants to do a family BBQ for Memorial Day and my sister has pretty much said she is not going, and is making plans with friends so that she and my other sister can't go. My dad only does one family get together once a year. He does attend, birthday's, Thanksgiving and Christmas events even though my sisters are rude to him and my brother won't even acknowledge him.
My middle sister gossips about everyone, even my older sister, then is two faced and acts like they are best friends. I don't want to be part of it.
My mom did nothing for my d-day which was two weeks ago, but my sister did call to invite me to a birthday party they were attending for my twin brother that was thrown by his friends girlfriend. Funny that I was invited to this, by my sister when someone else invited them.
So I am thinking that since my mom got a free pass for my birthday and did nothing, I do deserve a free pass on Mothers Day. Not only that, but she has been a lousy mother this past year so why do I want to go celebrate with her. I know that's rude and petty but that I how I feel.
The only reason I am even considering going is that I don't want to be that person. A person like them who intentionally hurt someone else.
RF..I can't tell you whether or not you should go but I can tell you that you should value the time you get to spend with your Mom...
As someone who lost his Dad many years ago and lost his Step Mom a few years ago I can attest to the fact that we should spend as much time with our parents as we can..
They are only on this earth for so long and after they are gone is when we realize that priorities sometimes needed to be changed.. but by then it is too late..
Hope all goes well for you on M-Day ..
__________________
~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~
Last edited by Art_Critic; 7th May 2008 at 2:10 PM.
Depends on whether you are willing to make this a hill to die on because it will be noticed and talk about for the rest of your natural life. Trust me on this one. I cut my insane birth mother off 10 years ago (on accident but it worked out) because I didn't come to her mother's day lunch as it was held in CHICAGO and I live in CALIFORNIA and NO ONE told me about it.
But, I was going to cut her off anyway so she kind of did it for me. Just know the this will be A Big Deal for quite some time if you bail.
I agree with you both. I know that is what I SHOULD do. But I am very bitter, angry and resentful that she can be so mean to me yet it's expected that I bite my tongue. Yes, they expect it from me because that is what I have always done.
Even now I have not been honest with her and how I feel. Inside I am very sad and hurt. I feel like me going only validates to them that they can get away with this.
They are skipping my dad's BBQ because they don't want to go, I feel like it's the same thing. If you want to compare Father's Day, my dad's birthday and Chritsmas, they don't do anything for him, they don't even give him a card.
I know time is short and I know I should not waste what time I have with my mom and sisters fighting, but I also don't want to spend what time I have with them by allowing them to make me feel bad.
It's just hard to get motivated to honor someone who has crapped on me a lot in my life.
I know it will be a big deal, they already treat me like crap so I guess I should give them a reason. I could always throw back to them how they did nothing for my birthday, I got a voicemail from my mom.
But I am very bitter, angry and resentful that she can be so mean to me yet it's expected that I bite my tongue. Yes, they expect it from me because that is what I have always done.
It's just hard to get motivated to honor someone who has crapped on me a lot in my life.
That's a toughie...
If it were me I would do whatever made ME feel better and not worry so much about what they or she would feel..
If that means you go because you will feel guilty if you don't or not going because you will feel good about taking a stand then I say do what makes you feel better..
Your situation seems to be a bit more complex than just a "I don't wanna go because.. ( something trivial here) .................."
It is, I guess now that I am older. I know everything my mom has or hasn't done in my life and I look back and I think to myself, she has never explained her self or apologized for any of it.
And by just accepting that she is who she is (which I know I can't change) I feel like I am giving her a "get out of jail free card". I want her to aknowledge that while she has treated everyone in her life this way to include me that I won't take it anymore.
Do I want to see her for Mothers Day out of guilt? Yes! Do I think that is a good reason to see her, for my feelings, yes. I don't like the thought of regret and I know one day I might regret not going. Do two wrongs make a right, no way. Just because she has been wrong does not mean I too can be wrong in the way I treat another person.
Vedder, my mom is kind of cutting me off too. She is lasing out at me and intentionally outcasting me. But I have to put on a smile for her and pretend like eveything is okay.
I guess like you said, you were planning on doing it and your mom did it to you. Since my mom cutting me out, then I guess it's okay to cut her out.?.
red,
I know you are thinking of cutting her out. Maybe this is the time to take that step.
And yes while you do have to accept she is the way she is you can also make the rules for your relationship with her.
I have a slightly different relationship with my mom. But she is an alcoholic. She is a wonderful person but when she drinks forget she is jekle and hyde.
For years I had so much anger and hurt because while she is a good person she is sick and her addiction has caused me a lot of pain. Thinking regular mom don't call thier daughter names or yell etc...
When I got older I moved about an hour away. And no that I am stronger I continue my relationship with her but on my terms. Ie. I don't speak to her ater 7pm. We visit but have an early dinner and leave by 7. We they visit we din't buy wine (she always brings her own though)
But by doing this I can have a relationship with her but I am also not letting myself be hurt by it anymore.
And a huge part of that was letting go and setting boundrys. And if she calls up drunk to tell me how I am messing my life up. I tell I am not going to discuss this with you I am hanging up now. I have done that about 5 or 6 times and she no longer calls me to yell at me.
I do need to set my boundries. And tell her I won't take it anymore.
The reason I am set against this is: I am one of four kids, with six nieces and nephews, then their is x-mas, easter, thanksgiving, etc. Throw those all together as events I am expected to attend and I have to see them a lot. I already have my nephews b-day on the 17th. Then another b-day in July, August, thanksgiving in November, x-mas in December, a birthday in Jan, Feb, April, May, etc. Easter is in there somewhere...that's a lot of visits. While I would not hurt the kids by missing their b-day, I need a break.
I am sorry you have to deal with your mom like that, but I am glad you found a way to control some of the hurt she causes you.
I vote on not seeing her for Mother's day. Call or send a card if you want but seriously, I bet if you did go, you would just end up feeling like crap and not have a good time.
I think I would also work on catching her when she says something hurtful to you and asking her why she is saying what she is saying. This doesn't always work as the people you are saying, wait a minute, that really hurts me when you say such and such or why did you say that, what did you mean by that comment? they are so blind to what they are doing their eyes will never open.
It's not worth it for your own sake. You can spend a nice day with your H and forget all about all the head games you would be subjected to.
The trick is not to get sucked into her manipulations.
BTW, unless you have a mother like the OP is talking about you have no clue what she is experiencing, hence the "rigidity".
Last edited by Ssheena; 7th May 2008 at 3:23 PM.
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