First of all, I just want to get certain things out of the way. I understand there are so many feelings and emotions that one goes through during a divorce. I feel like I am losing the most beautiful woman on the planet (all my friends and family tell me I got really, really lucky with her... and it's true, she's gorgeous). I am losing the most caring, giving, and compassionate person I have ever met. I am losing the most intelligent, sharp, witty person I have ever met. Once a photo/print model, a graduate of a fine engineering school and one of the best engineers at BMW, and a person who would give everything before she thought of herself... gone. Maybe you're all thinking I'm exaggerating because she's my soon-to-be-ex-wife and I'm still in love with her, but she is really a catch. In the past, I've always told myself I'd finder prettier and smarter women. This last one is going to be a very, very tough one to beat. She has set the bar INCREDIBLY high for everyone else.
Now that I have all that stuff out of the way...
I screwed up. Big time. I'm not afraid of admitting that. It was all my fault and things didn't have to be this way. I became insecure and I treated her unfairly. She said she felt like a prisoner and our fights and arguments got so bad that she was actually afraid of me. How could I do this to such a fine person -- a woman that I love? I do deserve what is happening. I hurt her badly (don't tell me I'm being harsh on myself, it was bad enough that there is a 5 year restraining order on me).
I realized that I have a problem in dealing with my anger and my emotions. I'm not a bad person. I'm not a monster or some sort of malicious demon... I am still the smart, nice, halfway decent looking guy she fell in love with and wanted to marry. Unfortunately, growing up in an abusive home (where both my mother and I were beaten by my dad), it put something in me that I didn't know was there. Now I am in counseling and hoping that my one-on-one sessions with the therapist will help me recognize where this intense anger comes from and where I go from here so it never happens again.
I wish I could tell her I'm sorry and that I'm not that person who made her scared. I wish I could comfort her so that she wouldn't have to be afraid or worry anymore. So many "I wish...I should have... I could have..." thoughts, but it's no use. What's worse is her mother really made the relationship difficult because she nitpicked everything I did since the beginning... stupid things like not standing up at the table when she arrived or not leaning into a car to give her a hug and instead saying hello from outside. She made our relationship difficult and added onto the fights we were already having. I'd come home several times and my wife would be crying on the phone with her mom because she was being attacked or her mom was venting and threatening to leave her own husband.
So this is why I'm posting here: I have had zero contact with her since the 29th of March. Throughout April, I was dealing with so much of the paperwork and legal stuff that I didn't have too much time to miss her, but I would once in a while... Now, it's hitting me hard. I think of all the good times we had together. I think of all the intimate times we had together (sorry to share this, but she is REALLY drop dead gorgeous and completely insatiable) and it makes it so difficult for me to think that someone else is going to have that in the future. I think of all the bad things I did to her and the fights that we had. I know I shouldn't be thinking these things... I know I should find other things to do so I can be distracted. I know I need to be productive and exercise and take care of my mind and body. I know I need to turn my life around and become a better person...
Still, this is so difficult. I wish I could get her back, but it is NOT going to happen. I wish I could change things and go back in time, but that's also not going to happen. Now, it's only a matter of time before I recover from this and start making any decent progress... but it's getting more and more difficult.
I've been on these forums for some time now and I know a lot of members will say things like, "Get over her man. It's her loss. Become a better person, improve your life, and you'll have the last laugh..." Before anyone decides to cheer me up and egg me on in that way, I'll admit it here first - I hit her, I frightened her, and she is now genuinely scared and in hiding. I am the one that screwed up, not her. She shouldn't want to be with me for what I did. I'll also reiterate that I never meant to, she never deserved it, and I regret it deeply...
I do commend you for posting this, especially if your serious. Glad to see your in couseling and working on whatever issues you feel need to be worked on. Keep up with it and do the work because changing won't be easy.
I think it's important to realize that it happend, accept what happend, and learn to deal with this so in the future this can be avoided.
You can't control the past but you can control what happends now and in the future. You can only say your sorry so many times and if she can't forgive, you have to accept that and understand why.
I do commend you for posting this, especially if your serious. Glad to see your in couseling and working on whatever issues you feel need to be worked on. Keep up with it and do the work because changing won't be easy.
I think it's important to realize that it happend, accept what happend, and learn to deal with this so in the future this can be avoided.
You can't control the past but you can control what happends now and in the future. You can only say your sorry so many times and if she can't forgive, you have to accept that and understand why.
I understand. It's still hard to deal with this, but I do understand why... She said she loves me (she said it to me), then a week or two ago she told a mutual friend she doesn't say she loves me anymore, but that she does care about me. Odd how quickly it can change. I think she has forgiven me, though I'm not entirely sure. In the end, I can understand why she doesn't want to see or be with me anymore. I took her for granted and I hurt her physically and emotionally. The tough part is that I never thought I was capable of such a thing, so it's hard to live with what I did... especially since I still love her and care about her. I lost control and for that I am now seeking therapy.
First of all, I just want to get certain things out of the way. I understand there are so many feelings and emotions that one goes through during a divorce. I feel like I am losing the most beautiful woman on the planet (all my friends and family tell me I got really, really lucky with her... and it's true, she's gorgeous). I am losing the most caring, giving, and compassionate person I have ever met. I am losing the most intelligent, sharp, witty person I have ever met. Once a photo/print model, a graduate of a fine engineering school and one of the best engineers at BMW, and a person who would give everything before she thought of herself... gone. Maybe you're all thinking I'm exaggerating because she's my soon-to-be-ex-wife and I'm still in love with her, but she is really a catch. In the past, I've always told myself I'd finder prettier and smarter women. This last one is going to be a very, very tough one to beat. She has set the bar INCREDIBLY high for everyone else.
Now that I have all that stuff out of the way...
I screwed up. Big time. I'm not afraid of admitting that. It was all my fault and things didn't have to be this way. I became insecure and I treated her unfairly. She said she felt like a prisoner and our fights and arguments got so bad that she was actually afraid of me. How could I do this to such a fine person -- a woman that I love? I do deserve what is happening. I hurt her badly (don't tell me I'm being harsh on myself, it was bad enough that there is a 5 year restraining order on me).
I realized that I have a problem in dealing with my anger and my emotions. I'm not a bad person. I'm not a monster or some sort of malicious demon... I am still the smart, nice, halfway decent looking guy she fell in love with and wanted to marry. Unfortunately, growing up in an abusive home (where both my mother and I were beaten by my dad), it put something in me that I didn't know was there. Now I am in counseling and hoping that my one-on-one sessions with the therapist will help me recognize where this intense anger comes from and where I go from here so it never happens again.
I wish I could tell her I'm sorry and that I'm not that person who made her scared. I wish I could comfort her so that she wouldn't have to be afraid or worry anymore. So many "I wish...I should have... I could have..." thoughts, but it's no use. What's worse is her mother really made the relationship difficult because she nitpicked everything I did since the beginning... stupid things like not standing up at the table when she arrived or not leaning into a car to give her a hug and instead saying hello from outside. She made our relationship difficult and added onto the fights we were already having. I'd come home several times and my wife would be crying on the phone with her mom because she was being attacked or her mom was venting and threatening to leave her own husband.
So this is why I'm posting here: I have had zero contact with her since the 29th of March. Throughout April, I was dealing with so much of the paperwork and legal stuff that I didn't have too much time to miss her, but I would once in a while... Now, it's hitting me hard. I think of all the good times we had together. I think of all the intimate times we had together (sorry to share this, but she is REALLY drop dead gorgeous and completely insatiable) and it makes it so difficult for me to think that someone else is going to have that in the future. I think of all the bad things I did to her and the fights that we had. I know I shouldn't be thinking these things... I know I should find other things to do so I can be distracted. I know I need to be productive and exercise and take care of my mind and body. I know I need to turn my life around and become a better person...
Still, this is so difficult. I wish I could get her back, but it is NOT going to happen. I wish I could change things and go back in time, but that's also not going to happen. Now, it's only a matter of time before I recover from this and start making any decent progress... but it's getting more and more difficult.
I've been on these forums for some time now and I know a lot of members will say things like, "Get over her man. It's her loss. Become a better person, improve your life, and you'll have the last laugh..." Before anyone decides to cheer me up and egg me on in that way, I'll admit it here first - I hit her, I frightened her, and she is now genuinely scared and in hiding. I am the one that screwed up, not her. She shouldn't want to be with me for what I did. I'll also reiterate that I never meant to, she never deserved it, and I regret it deeply...
Regretting what you did is justifiable. Yes. But I hope you do not expect her to come back to you. This will never happen.
You seem obsessed with her right now. Not good. You should learn from the past and move on as quick as possible.
It is good that you are going to counseling. I feel from your post that you need this right now. It is a HUGE step in the right direction for you.
And no, in this case I would not say, "Get over her man. It's her loss. Become a better person, improve your life, and you'll have the last laugh..."
It's obviously YOUR loss. Abusive family or not. You should NEVER hit a girl unless she is a professional boxer, karate partner, etc. This is where I hope your therapy pays off. Cause as far as I am concerned, you should not be with ANYONE until you can sort out your abusive issues.
Sorry about this post sounding cold. It is very sad to see this has happened like this. I am assuming that others are not posting because this post is hard to reply to. Best of luck to you.
I understand. It's still hard to deal with this, but I do understand why... She said she loves me (she said it to me), then a week or two ago she told a mutual friend she doesn't say she loves me anymore, but that she does care about me. Odd how quickly it can change. I think she has forgiven me, though I'm not entirely sure. In the end, I can understand why she doesn't want to see or be with me anymore. I took her for granted and I hurt her physically and emotionally. The tough part is that I never thought I was capable of such a thing, so it's hard to live with what I did... especially since I still love her and care about her. I lost control and for that I am now seeking therapy.
Thanks for the input.
Then you should want what's best for her and if you think her not being with you is best, then let her go. And I'll say this, if you think being with you is what's best, I'd ask myself why.
It does though sound like she's just going back and forth with her feelings and emotions. She's going to need time and probably will seek IC to help her sort out everything that's happend.
Side Note: My cousin just went through the same situation. Her husband hit her and gave her a black eye. Now keep in mind, if my brothers and I were around when this happened, he would be six feet under in a cornfield. So my opinion is a bit bias'd.
Side Note: My cousin just went through the same situation. Her husband hit her and gave her a black eye. Now keep in mind, if my brothers and I were around when this happened, he would be six feet under in a cornfield. So my opinion is a bit bias'd.
I understand... same goes for my sister. Your post wasn't cold at all, and I know why some would choose not to reply. Physical actions were involved and it was TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. This is why I am going to counseling -- to figure out what went wrong and why I handled the situation so poorly. I am ashamed of myself, but I am convinced that I am not that kind of person and I want to fix this problem even if it takes a long period of time.
This marriage is completely MY loss. Had I not done what I did, I wouldn't be posting here right now... we'd still happily be married. This was the biggest issue in our marriage - my anger. Otherwise, when I was more civil, we usually talked our problems out and were open with communication. A lot of our issues were happily solved that way. I don't know how this monster inside of me came about.
I don't expect her to come back. I don't expect her to want to see me again or to talk to me ever again. I don't expect anything, though I do miss her...
At any rate, there is still a long way to go. I still have to go back to the courts. I might still have to do a little more jail time. I will definitely be sentenced to classes, though I'm hoping I can continue my one-on-one therapy instead of going to court-mandated domestic violence classes where some of the guys there don't want to be there. Some people in jail actually thought it was okay to hit a woman... insane.
I am also hoping the therapy pays off... it is very expensive. I'm putting all I have into it. Though I was skeptical at first, I actually started looking forward to my sessions.
I don't know where to begin my life from here on out. I was a total idiot and for one reason or another was unable to exercise any sort of discretion and self-control. I don't know if I can forgive myself.
I know this is equally stupid and the thoughts really shouldn't cross my mind, but if things didn't turn out the way they did, she and I would both be boarding a plane at LAX headed for London Heathrow tonight for a two week vacation in England and in Paris. I still have my ticket, but I'm obviously not going to go... I woke up this morning thinking about it and it made me a little sad that I ruined it all.
I know this is equally stupid and the thoughts really shouldn't cross my mind, but if things didn't turn out the way they did, she and I would both be boarding a plane at LAX headed for London Heathrow tonight for a two week vacation in England and in Paris. I still have my ticket, but I'm obviously not going to go... I woke up this morning thinking about it and it made me a little sad that I ruined it all.
Stop beating your women and start taking control of your own actions. Your excuses make me sick. You should be happy for her. She left a mentally, physically, emotionally abusive relationship. Why should you care about some stupid ticket?
Stop beating your women and start taking control of your own actions. Your excuses make me sick. You should be happy for her. She left a mentally, physically, emotionally abusive relationship. Why should you care about some stupid ticket?
Lacking in the intelligence department?
Let's see... I vividly recall owning up to my actions and accepting all fault, I recall mentioning being proactive about finding a solution and getting help, and I also recall mentioning the fact that she shouldn't want to be with me (which is effectively the same as me wanting her to be better off). Yeah, I just checked and I did mention all those things. What excuses were you talking about?
Thanks for your input, though. It really helps. I hope your sad situation resolves itself, too.
Well, that took a lot of guts to post. Don't be surprised by some harsh responses. Not many can stomach the idea of a woman being hit. I don't even know anybody close to me that has endured it, and it still pisses me off.
But I won't beat you over the head. You remind me of my STBXH - realizes the mistakes now, but way too late. I think of that song "Apologize" by One Republic. I've endured emotional abuse and abandonment from him - never physical abuse, though. haha...I would have really hurt him if he had tried.
But I hope you do not let the negativity of this event swamp the rest of your life. I agree that there will be quite a period of mourning. I hurt somebody physically in a fit of anger 10 years ago and it still haunts me to this day. But I use it as a reminder when I feel angry - there are better ways to handle that anger. And most times, the best response is to walk away.
In your case, I think losing the best thing that has ever happened to you may have been what it'll take for you to change. I know that's what's happening with my STBXH. I've begged for 4 years for him to make some positive changes along with me (I am nowhere near perfect...I am NOT saying that) and he'd pretend for awhile and then go back to his usual. With me leaving him, he is starting positive changes and he is making them for HIM. Sometimes it takes a great deal of pain for some of us to learn the lessons we need to learn in this life. That's unfortunate. But a serious wake-up call, nonetheless.
I feel for you, blue. I do not feel sorry for you - you did this to yourself. But I do feel for the gut-wrenching pain you have inflicted on yourself and those you say you loved. It's an unfortunate path to have taken...but the end result will be powerful if you surrender completely.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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