My H has been living at his own place for almost 5 months. His lease is up in a month and we have to decide if he is oing to move back in. The marriage has long been over, but neither of us really wants to admit that, or to admit that we care about that. I am thinking of having him move back in for another year or so. This way, we can pay off some bills and he can save up a little. I mean, why not? EVen though we live seperate lives, are not in love, have no chemistry and nothing in common but the kids, we coudl still be room mates. We don't fight, we don't have any hostilities towards each other, we just pretty much co-exist under the same roof like any set of siblings would. He's anice guy, I am a nice gal. BUT we wouldn't have what should be a "marriage". So IF we do this, we have to think if we want to go ahead and file and let the divorce come thru. This way, we could start seeing other people if we chose.
Am I crazy for thinking of doing this? I made him leave because I was tired of living in a "marriageless marriage". I needed to see if I felt anything different when he was out of the house than when he was in the house. I don't. Nothing has changed at all except his physical location. Other than that, I have barely noticed and I am certainly not any lonlier than I was when he lived here. But now, now that I can see that we simply cannot live in a traditional marriage situation- one where emotional and physical intimacy is involved, I won't expect to. And if I don't expect it, maybe it would be ok to be roommates for another year or two to get things squared away financially. I would live my life, he would live his.
Any thoughts?
Go for it, if you are both friends and civil to eachother. I'm sure your kids will be happy as well. It's nice to have both parents in the same house.
My concern would be seeing other people while living together. Can you handle another woman in the house sleeping with your STBXH and interacting with your children. Can your STBXH handle vice versa? That would be a difficult pill for me to swallow.
I would live my life, he would live his.
Any thoughts?
Prince Andrew and Fergie did it but, they also had an enormous home where they each had their own private quarters. To get your answer, think about, and talk with your H about, how the daily grind would look. Where would you each sleep, what expectations would you each have of your roommate, how would you keep your money, etc. It seems you have thought a lot about your feelings but have you discussed how you each feel about each other with your H? Is the "roommate" situation okay with your H or is he going to have ulterior motives?
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Go for it, if you are both friends and civil to eachother. I'm sure your kids will be happy as well. It's nice to have both parents in the same house.
My concern would be seeing other people while living together. Can you handle another woman in the house sleeping with your STBXH and interacting with your children. Can your STBXH handle vice versa? That would be a difficult pill for me to swallow.
Neither of us would ever dream of bringing home someone else when anyone was in the house- ever.
Prince Andrew and Fergie did it but, they also had an enormous home where they each had their own private quarters. To get your answer, think about, and talk with your H about, how the daily grind would look. Where would you each sleep, what expectations would you each have of your roommate, how would you keep your money, etc. It seems you have thought a lot about your feelings but have you discussed how you each feel about each other with your H? Is the "roommate" situation okay with your H or is he going to have ulterior motives?
No, neither of us would have any ulterior motives. We are simply not interested in each other in that way- its mutual. Yes, we will eventually be discussing it. We are not talking at all about our relationship for 30 days...we are about halfway thru---we are taking a mental break from the stress and just living our seperate lives. Alot like the marriage was when we lived together. LOL
I have a friend that was married, then they got divorced & now they live together as roommates.
She said she isn't interested in seeing anyone & he seems to be the same. Don't know for sure the living arrangements but it sounds like she lives upstairs & he lives downstairs.
She said they get along better now then they ever did when they were married, they are like buds now......
__________________ If you can't be happy with yourself, you won't be able to show and share that happiness to others.
How old are the kids? Talk to them about this and make sure they understand that just because he may be moving back in, doesn't mean you two are getting back together.
Go in with NO expectations, put the kids first and whatever happens or doesn't happen between you two, doesn't matter. Who knows maybe in a year you two may see eachother in a new light and want to try again, make it work, or maybe it'll be time to get the D and still be great co-parents.
If my xwife felt this way I wouldnt even want to be in her presence. what kind of example would it set for the kids?
When it's time to move on.
Just move on.
Trust me SW he'll get tired of even interacting with you and he'll just keep contact about the kids.
Maybe then you'll start to miss him. I dont get how you can go from a linear progression of life that start out as:
Strangers-friends-lovers-mates-parents-divorced parents- back to friends?
I dont think I could do a friendship if the marriage ended under bad circumstances.
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Well, remember my H is HAPPY living in a platonic marriage- thats the reason I made him leave to begin with- I WASN'T happy living like room mates. If he moves back in as my room mate, believe me, the kids won't know the difference because thats basically how we lived before. The kids think thats normal. No fighting but no loving interactions either- just buddies.
And no, I don't really miss him at all - I haven't missed him for many years. But out of convenience, I am thinking this would be best for another year or so. I threw the idea at him yesterday, he said we'll talk about it soon. I am sure he is happy that I suggested it because now he can move back into "his" house, not have to struggle to pay his bills, etc. And I will have someone to mopw the lawn and help out with all that. Most importantly we can save money. I am still thinking we sould file though.
Oh- and the marriage is NOT ending under bad circumstances. Just sad, unavoidable realization that we do not belong together as a married couple--no ones fault.
How old are the kids? Talk to them about this and make sure they understand that just because he may be moving back in, doesn't mean you two are getting back together.
Go in with NO expectations, put the kids first and whatever happens or doesn't happen between you two, doesn't matter. Who knows maybe in a year you two may see eachother in a new light and want to try again, make it work, or maybe it'll be time to get the D and still be great co-parents.
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The kids are 12, 14 , 16. The 16 year old lives with dad and doesn't wwant them to move back in because he is right next to a lake where he can walk to and fish all day.
I don't think we would need to tell the kids anything regarding the relationship other than dad is moving back in. This is because it won't be any different than it ever was.
Yes, I will make sure that my H understands that there are no expectations of ANYTHING other than friends and parenting partners. No romance, no physical contact, no personal discussion. Hey- guess what- we really didn't have any of that when we were together... so how hard can this be????
The one thing is that I want to start dating. Hm...gotta figure that one out.
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Well, remember my H is HAPPY living in a platonic marriage- thats the reason I made him leave to begin with- I WASN'T happy living like room mates. If he moves back in as my room mate, believe me, the kids won't know the difference because thats basically how we lived before. The kids think thats normal. No fighting but no loving interactions either- just buddies.
And no, I don't really miss him at all - I haven't missed him for many years. But out of convenience, I am thinking this would be best for another year or so. I threw the idea at him yesterday, he said we'll talk about it soon. I am sure he is happy that I suggested it because now he can move back into "his" house, not have to struggle to pay his bills, etc. And I will have someone to mopw the lawn and help out with all that. Most importantly we can save money. I am still thinking we sould file though.
Oh- and the marriage is NOT ending under bad circumstances. Just sad, unavoidable realization that we do not belong together as a married couple--no ones fault.
You also got to remember you had the EA, is there still fog in your mind, What if he wants to change and your not willing to give him that chance.
I'm sure that if he had enough money he probably wouldnt need to come home. But it is the house he shared with you, he might be attached to it and the memories it invokes. but also he may have a hard time moving on because you is all he knows.
I think somewhere inside you , you do love him, but you just dont feel it yet. You dont miss him because he's readily available. What if he found someone else. went NC and just kept to the kids. Are you telling me you wouldnt feel some sort of jealousy? Some sort of anger or frustration?
And if that's the case why dont you tell him what you really feel, why dont you tell him what you want? You dont want to be roomates, you want to be lovers, soulmates, more than what you are. Give him one last shot and if he fails so be it. But if he goes 100% you got to as well.
You also got to remember you had the EA, is there still fog in your mind, What if he wants to change and your not willing to give him that chance.
There is nothing he could do to "change" that would make me feel romantic love for him. Nothing. Its just not there. I cannot feel that way about him, no matter what. He can't change who he is- he can't change his IQ, his entire personality, etc.
I'm sure that if he had enough money he probably wouldnt need to come home. But it is the house he shared with you, he might be attached to it and the memories it invokes. but also he may have a hard time moving on because you is all he knows.
I think somewhere inside you , you do love him, but you just dont feel it yet.
I do love him- like a brother. Its really all I have felt sinse I married him 19 years ago.
You dont miss him because he's readily available. What if he found someone else. went NC and just kept to the kids. Are you telling me you wouldnt feel some sort of jealousy? Some sort of anger or frustration?
Yes, thats what I am telling you. No anger, frustration or jealousy. I wouldn't care if he dated while we still lived together. If I could set him up with someone, I would.
And if that's the case why dont you tell him what you really feel, why dont you tell him what you want? You dont want to be roomates,
But I DO want to be roomates and I am in the process of telling him this right now.
you want to be lovers, soulmates, more than what you are.
No, I don't want to be this with him because there is no way in hell I could feel that way about him.
Give him one last shot and if he fails so be it. But if he goes 100% you got to as well.
There is no "shot" to be given. There is nothing to change. It is what it is.
If you feel this way? Why should he move back in. I would tell him to start over, make himself better and move on. Moving back in to take care of the kids is crap. Especially if you just want him there for your convience.
That isnt fair and it isnt right.
Why would any man move back for a woman that has feelings like you.
Even if I was on my last dime I wouldnt move back for any ex if she treated me in the manner like your doing to him.
It's all crap.
And let me ask you a serious question if you didnt love him from the day you married WHY THE HELL DID YOU GET MARRIED?
SW, I think that as long as you are both agreeable to the situation then it would be okay. Two concerns of mine are:
1) the kids' perspective. I understand that this will really be no different than what they have seen from the two of you before but, don't you want them to understand that there should be more to a marriage?
2) How will the roommate situation come to a close?
SW - your stance appears to be a reaction to his indifference to you physically and emotionally since you said that you asked him to leave because you were tired of 'marriageless marriage'. Whatever it is that he is doing or not doing that is leading you to take this position is what has put up a barrier as far as you are concerned to any emotional or physical involvement. You say that the marriage was loveless from the start, but you two had kids, so there must have been some loving involved in that process. It sounds to me that you feel hurt by his inability or unwillingness to show you affection. Could it be that he is also hurt because of your EA and his seeming lack of interest in you is really a defense mechanism?
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