...and I'm feeling bummed. I'll be 37. Now, the last thing I am in the universe is a traditional chick, but I'll admit to really wanting to be married. I married at 24 and divorced at 29; I wasn't sure I wanted to do it when I did, so it was always bittersweet. I want to know what it's like to have a fun, joyful wedding that really is the happiest day of your life. I want to be with my favorite person forever.
And he was, is (?) my favorite person. I can't think of anything that would make me happier than us together. I keep holding onto this completely ridiculous fantasy that someday he'll appear on my doorstep in tears, admit how wrong he was, and propose, but, uh, yeah. I also dream about teleportation, human cloning, vegan cheese that actually tastes good, and Hillary Clinton in the White House.
How do I let him go? Lately my big thing is that he's friends with all his exes, prides himself on that, but with me, he just ignores me. I truly thought he was madly in love with me, for I have the insight of a prawn. I have spent months and months now driving myself crazy trying to figure out what I did. If he decided to completely stop speaking to me, he must have really hated me. I must have been totally disposable to him all along. And I know he has one other ex who's not a musician -- in fact, she's a writer, which makes things even worse -- and he's friends with her. He was also really hurt when she broke up with him. So is it that I'm not as good a writer as she is, and that even dancing and all the other stuff I do is not enough to make up for how much better a writer she is? Am I just worthless even with everything I do? Am I boring? Am I someone people meet and then choose not to know, even when I treat them as well as I possibly can?
Am I too old to ever find someone who could actually feel lucky to be with me? Does such a thing even exist? The thing in my head tells me it's because I'm not cute/smart/thin/talented/interesting/funny enough. I wish I could stop thinking that at 37 I'm old and nobody could ever want me.
I'm doing several advanced bellydance classes/workshops this week and I keep trying to tell myself that's something to be proud of -- but there's something in me that tells me that I can't really do it, or I look way worse than everyone else, and they're just letting me be there to humor me. What the hell IS that? It's like I can't see the four years of relentless practice, like I need for some reason to think I haven't actually accomplished anything at all. How on earth does that serve me? Does anyone else feel this way? I have two major performances coming up and I have to try to find a way to stop this line of thinking.
If you are really the only ex he doesn't speak with, and nothing bad happened between the two (cheating, e.g.) then this might just mean that for him it isn't easy either. I don't want to give you false hope, but there are many things that can lead to a break-up. When I broke up with my ex, before I learned about the affair, I still loved him, but it was the circumstances that I couldn't live with. Maybe he really liked you, and really wanted you to be happy and now that he knows he hurt you, he doesn't want to case you more pain.
It does not have to mean that he didn't care. This is how it looks like, but it doesn't have to be the truth. And look at the bright side, NC is so much easier. You can heal on your own time.
Nothing about his writer-ex says that she is a better writer. This is just you hurting yourself. I know how that is, but it doesn't help you. You are a great writer, I am sure. Don't belittle yourself.
Unfortunetaly, I don't how to stop the feeling. But I try to listen when people speak to me, and to not interpret what they say. To just accept when someone pays me a compliment. And to quickly change my thinking patterns, when negativity comes up. (That and venting and ranting on LS.)
You will do fine in your performances. You know what to do, you can do it, you did it before. If nothing else, the adrinalene will help you do it. You are not alone. And you will find happiness.
hi im 36 and never been married.. never met the right one.. thought my ex was the one for me.. planned it in our heads etc.. but nooooooo
i do worry that i will never marry, always said id never do it if not done it by the time im 40 but hey who knows?
im glad i didnt do it previously though as i dont think id have been ready.. im young at heart an told i look younger.. i have had lots of long relationships.. over 2yrs most of them so maybe thyats why too..
did say to myself that the next guy i meet.. not that im really thinking of anyone other than my ex.. but i thought i wont live with them unless im 100%sure it will lead to marriage..
have to be at least engaged
have been asked before but timing was all wrong and it was not what or who i wanted to spend rest of my life with..
Sedg - I know the common view on here is that if your ex isn't contacting you it's because they don't want to, they're done with you, don't even think of you blah blah ....but sometimes it very well could be as nevermind said, that they did love you and feel guilty for hurting you.
Everyone deals with that kind of pain in their own way and for some it's just easier to pretend you don't exist, therefore they weren't really the kind of scumbag that did what they did to you, and they don't have to deal with who they can be....does that make sense ?
oh and just another thought - having done some belly dancing in my time I know just how much harder it is than it looks.......you should feel immensely proud of yourself that you have achieved the level you have.
Sedg - I know the common view on here is that if your ex isn't contacting you it's because they don't want to, they're done with you, don't even think of you blah blah ....but sometimes it very well could be as nevermind said, that they did love you and feel guilty for hurting you.
Everyone deals with that kind of pain in their own way and for some it's just easier to pretend you don't exist, therefore they weren't really the kind of scumbag that did what they did to you, and they don't have to deal with who they can be....does that make sense ?
Hope it helps some.
and yes, happy birthday
It helps me and this is only my first day of nc. No one likes to be responsible for hurting somebody else, and the thing is, there is no way either one of our exes could make it up to us Sedg. I mean, could you really go back to him?
Happy Birthday!
I have been following your threads for quite some time and I think I do notice an improvement: you're starting to see that you do deserve to be with someone who loves you. And you're starting to separate the person who will love you the way you deserve to be loved from your ex.
I've done the "what ifs" and "was it me?" in past break ups. In short Sedg: it was what it was (and couldn't be otherwise - I know you do yoga so think about it as a form of acceptance) and no, it wasn't you.
I'm dealing right now with the anger provoked by the realization that my ex felt our love was disposable. I told him so and he didn't deny it. Yes, he knows he will replace me. I refuse to make it something about me. If he didn't see the value in us, then there is nothing I can do. At least you and I knew and honored the love we had. And I came to the realization that I now want to be with someone who values love and doesn't think it is something disposable. I believe that is a beautiful lesson to learn, and even though I am still raging at my ex (my coping mecanism because I refuse to blame myself for the break up), I can at least be thankful for him for that one.
It is understandable to compare yourself to other ex's but it really gets you nowhere.
To be honest the more I read about this guy, the more pattern oriented (merry go round) his selection in women seems to be. So what if he is friends with some of them? You don't want to be his friend, you want him to want you back. Don't settle for scraps of him. In the long run that is going to eat away at you.
In a way. It might be for the best that he is not contacting you. For your sake.
He just doesn't sound like someone who can make a relationship work. With you are any of those ex's.
...and that sucks for him. It sounds like he has had some opportunities with some outstanding women (yourself included) and he can't get past his issues/ego/whatever, to be happy with what he has ...when he has it. So he does the same thing over and over (finds a lame excuse) and sabatoges a good relationship to feed into his need for artistic misery.
Don't use your muses for pain fulfillment. Not nice.
Make this year about you Sedge. It sounds like you are trying and the good feelings will catch up with the effort.
Happy Birth Day, and my answer to you is that nobody on this planet is worth that much mulling over. You're 37, but it will only affect you if you let it. You should feel like 20 all your life. Who's to say that the traditional way of doing things is the right way? Not everyone has to follow the same path. Besides, you're not old at all. I don't mean to analyze you, but this is what I see. You seem to have joined being happy with being with your ex. or having someone to love, but it's not supposed to be that way. You have to be happy, and pleased with the life you have before you ever meet someone. Have you ever thought of all the things you can do when you are single. You can be spontaneous, and take a trip to the Himalayas or see the Pyramids. Have you ever thought of it that way? Seriously, do something that is out of your comfort zone. You'll see life in a whole new way, and you might even feel sorry for the men that missed out on you in the midst of it. It's good to mourn for your loss, but don't dwell on it.
Firstly happy birthday and best wishes for many more I'm 49 today....
Secondly, regarding the ex, anything is possible. I talked at length with my soulmate last night about this very issue and the gist of what I took away from it is that timing is so important. Maybe you can see how you were the right people at the wrong time. Perhaps we can talk about it so easily because timing did not allow us romance (relationships/marriages with others interceded) but we recognize the differences and the process and have for many years. Maybe that is the difference. If my wife and I split up, I will sincerely wish her well and not agonize over her journey in life or desire any further contact. There is an ending, not because we're bad people, just because we're different people who could not stay together. With my friend, there is a continuity which has lasted throughout our lives (nearly all our adult lives) and will likely be there forever. There is never an ending, even when our contact ends.
You'll have to decide what your truth is. I have no way of knowing. Superficial actions or words (like your man saying he wanted a fiddle player) have little meaning to me. It's the deeper truths which matter.
OK, guess I better go enjoy my birthday Take care!
Have you ever thought of all the things you can do when you are single. You can be spontaneous, and take a trip to the Himalayas or see the Pyramids. Have you ever thought of it that way? Seriously, do something that is out of your comfort zone.
Heh...I am an avid traveler, and overall I love my life. Yes, I miss the one person I will ever love, but right after he dumped me I took off alone to Mexico for two months and wrote my book in the jungle. I've been to different parts of Mexico every year for the past three years. I travel a lot for bellydance-related stuff, and I just got back from LA where I was working on my film. This time next year I'll be on a book tour.
I have no comfort zone. You're talking to a woman who's tattooing her entire body. I live alone in Manhattan in an awesome apartment with only my name on the lease, and I've been here almost a decade now. When I was 18 I left my one-horse rural Southern town and moved to London alone. I've since lived in four other cities. I've been a traveler my entire adult life!
That's the thing...it's not like I'm stuck in the suburbs with three kids never having been anywhere or done anything. I have fire-engine red dreadlocks, one-inch earlobes, and a ring in my nose. I'm not a wallflower.
And HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Carhill!
Last edited by sedgwick; 6th May 2008 at 11:41 AM.
I wish I could stop thinking that at 37 I'm old and nobody could ever want me.
That is soooooo not true.. Age is only a number...
I married at 32 and divorced at 37..by the time I was 40 I had conditioned myself to living alone and also dying alone...
I was happy.. just resigned to being alone
All I was good for was maybe 6-12 months in a relationship to women that could care a less about me..
Dying alone used to be my biggest fear...
Let me tell you what some time can do for you..
I'm 44 today ( 45 in a few weeks ).. Married to the love of my life and just had my first child ( a boy ) 8 or so weeks ago..
I'm so very happy and I proved that my theory of dying alone was false .... Now my son gets to have us legally put away and will live off our assets
Don't you dare think for one day that at 37 you are washed up and will be alone forever.. that just isn't true..
__________________
~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~
Last edited by Art_Critic; 6th May 2008 at 11:47 AM.
All the great ones were born in May. And congrats on the kid, too.
And thanks. It's nice to think I may not end up alone, but at this point I don't think I could ever trust anyone again. I cannot imagine being able to do so. I don't think I could ever believe anyone really loved me. I told Joe how huge a thing it was for me to love and trust, and I said, right up front, "If there is any reason at all why I shouldn't give my love and trust to you, please tell me RIGHT NOW." And it was all, oh, no, no, you can trust me, I'd never play with your heart.
And then I turned out to be so worthless and inconsequential to him that he saw no problem with dumping me and leaving me sobbing on the bed, begging him to tell me what it was about me that wasn't good enough. He couldn't stay, he had to go play music. That was the way he left our relationship: he said, "You'll find someone else," and I never saw him again. The only explanation I was ever offered is that I don't play old-time fiddle.
Last edited by sedgwick; 6th May 2008 at 11:55 AM.
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but hey who knows?
I'm 49 today....
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