My husband and I have been married for 9 years; we have two kids together. We haven't been connecting or communicating well for a while. We have no time to ourselves, we've both been really busy with the kids and working a lot. He's also depressed (he says he's willing to see a counselor, but hasn't yet). We love each other very much, but we fight all the time.
I've been working very closely on a couple of projects with a guy I met a few months ago. We spend at least two nights a week working together, usually once with a group and once alone. The work we're doing is intense and exciting, and we've become close in the process of doing it. When we're together, we spend a lot of time talking about work stuff, but we also talk about our lives and how we're doing. He and his wife have been married for 8 years (no kids), got together when they were young and don't seem to have much in common anymore; they have different priorities and interests. He likes to go out and be involved in the community, and she likes to stay home a lot and gets jealous when he goes out without her. We both talk about the problems we have wiith our partners and our lives, give each other support and advice and make each other feel better. We're both working on the problems in our marriages, but we've both wondered out loud if they will last anyway. That said, we're both committed to our partners and want to stay with them.
In recent weeks, I've come to realize that I'm very attracted to him, and I think he's feeling it too. We've got great chemistry - we tease each other, joke around and give each other long smoldering looks even we're talking all business. We treat each other differently, more formally when other people are around. I'm normally pretty touchy-feely with my friends but I don't touch him at all because I don't want to cross any boundaries. I can't stop thinking and fantasizing about him, though. I know it's mostly lust - I really like this guy as a friend, but I don't want to leave my husband for him. I just want to jump him and keep doing what we're doing. (Meanwhile, my husband is getting lots of extra attention.)
My husband and I have an open marriage so I could mess around with him if I wanted, but I know it's a bad idea. It would cause problems, and I work closely with him and can't just quit. I also think his marriage is more traditional and I don't want to hurt his wife, who seems nice although we're nothing alike.
Are we already having an EA, though? And are we in danger of crossing any other lines? How would I know? And how do I stop?
I want to be as respectful and ethical as possible, even though I want him so bad. Help!
Well, you are in my husband's position except that I am open with my husband and he doesn't have a problem with me being with other people...? Your wife isn't and you do. So it seems like you're kinda not. I'm sorry you're hurting, though.
I'd love to hear any actual advice if anyone has any.
He's having an EA with you. I don't know if you are simply because you're in an open marriage and even if you slept with your OM, it wouldn't be considered cheating. Please correct me if I'm wrong on this. I don't completely understand the rules of open marriages, although I'm very curious about them.
Yes, you and the OM are hurting his wife, unless they are in an open marriage.
If he's in a traditional marriage, he crossed the line when he started confiding the troubles of his marriage, if not before. I think, to be ethical about this situation, he should tell his wife what's going on and make a decision to save the marriage or divorce her. It's mean and disrespectful to her to keep her in the dark. Would you want to be kept in the dark like this?
As for you, IMO, if he is in a monogomous marriage, I think you should end the EA untill he divorces his wife (if he does this).
I was wondering, though, since you're in an open relationship, is the only reason why this situation is bothering you because his wife might get hurt or is it something else? Are you worried about comming more attatched to your OM than your husband? I really don't know how open marriages deal with situations such as these.
Open marriages can have different "rules" depending on what the people who are in it decide. Our rules are basically that we have to be honest with each other about how we're feeling and what we're doing, and tell each other where we are and who we're with. Sleeping with someone wouldn't necessarily be cheating, but sneaking around or keeping secrets would be. It's all been mostly theoretical in recent years, though, because we've both been really busy and haven't had a lot of time to play with each other or anyone else.
To be totally honest, even in the context of our arrangement what I'm doing feels wrong to me. I haven't told my H what's going on. He knows we're working together when we do and he's cool with that. H asked me a while back if I had a crush on him (he can always tell, usually before I do) and I said that I didn't, which felt truthful at the time. He then said that if that changed then he wanted to know, which was fair and I agreed. But I haven't told him and I'm kind of scared to. We've been communicating so badly and fighting so much that I think it wouldn't go well, and I don't want to make things worse between us. And I feel so comfortable talking to this guy. It's all backward.
And I do worry about hurting his wife, wrecking his marriage (or at least being the catalyst for it getting worse) and generally causing drama. I also don't want to mess up our friendship or the stuff we're working on.
It feels weird for me to be concerned, though, because we haven't really DONE anything. The concept of EAs is new to me. In my relationship generally crushes and sexual friendships aren't a problem, but I've never had a thing for a monogamously married person before.
An open marriage is no marriage at all, it is contridictory to what marriage is really about. You know the forsaking all others part. What you and your H have is a relationship that you believe is mutually benficial and not a marriage.
Open marriages can have different "rules" depending on what the people who are in it decide. Our rules are basically that we have to be honest with each other about how we're feeling and what we're doing, and tell each other where we are and who we're with. Sleeping with someone wouldn't necessarily be cheating, but sneaking around or keeping secrets would be. It's all been mostly theoretical in recent years, though, because we've both been really busy and haven't had a lot of time to play with each other or anyone else.
To be totally honest, even in the context of our arrangement what I'm doing feels wrong to me. I haven't told my H what's going on. He knows we're working together when we do and he's cool with that. H asked me a while back if I had a crush on him (he can always tell, usually before I do) and I said that I didn't, which felt truthful at the time. He then said that if that changed then he wanted to know, which was fair and I agreed. But I haven't told him and I'm kind of scared to. We've been communicating so badly and fighting so much that I think it wouldn't go well, and I don't want to make things worse between us. And I feel so comfortable talking to this guy. It's all backward.
And I do worry about hurting his wife, wrecking his marriage (or at least being the catalyst for it getting worse) and generally causing drama. I also don't want to mess up our friendship or the stuff we're working on.
It feels weird for me to be concerned, though, because we haven't really DONE anything. The concept of EAs is new to me. In my relationship generally crushes and sexual friendships aren't a problem, but I've never had a thing for a monogamously married person before.
You need to start reading up about EAs........its only a matter of time by the looks of it before this becomes more.
One thing that struck me is that you realise the hurt this could cause his wife but can't see a mention about your husband. I think even though you say you have an open marriage you may suspect deep down that your husband would have issues if you went any further with someone else. After all, if it was that open then why are you afraid to tell him you fancy the pants of this other guy??????
Why not talk to your husband. Why not put the effort you are making flirting with the other guy into your husband instead?
You are having an EA, which is very likely to become a PA.
It seems to me that when people talk about open marriage, they are usually talking about sex. The expectation is that the marriage partner will still be the primary focus and primary relationship.
When you begin getting intimate, the way you and OM have been, the bond will keep getting stronger. The desire will be to take it to the next level, again and again. You begin talking to them about all the things that are important to you. Soon, you will begin to feel more emotionally disconnected from your H.
When you complain about your H to another man (and he complaining about his wife to you) that is the worst kind of violation and betrayal. Why would you expose someone you supposedly love, even if they were just a friend, to the scruitiny of a stranger. You are pointing out all their bad qualities for the amusement of another person. You are humiliating your H, whether he is yet privvy to it or not. While he may be "ok" with open marriage, I would be willing to bet he would never expect you to undress him like this in front of someone else. I use that term, because later when you find out what your spouse did, you truly feel naked in front of the OP.
To be totally honest, even in the context of our arrangement what I'm doing feels wrong to me. I haven't told my H what's going on. He knows we're working together when we do and he's cool with that. H asked me a while back if I had a crush on him (he can always tell, usually before I do) and I said that I didn't, which felt truthful at the time. He then said that if that changed then he wanted to know, which was fair and I agreed. But I haven't told him and I'm kind of scared to. We've been communicating so badly and fighting so much that I think it wouldn't go well, and I don't want to make things worse between us. And I feel so comfortable talking to this guy. It's all backward.
And I do worry about hurting his wife, wrecking his marriage (or at least being the catalyst for it getting worse) and generally causing drama. I also don't want to mess up our friendship or the stuff we're working on.
It feels weird for me to be concerned, though, because we haven't really DONE anything. The concept of EAs is new to me. In my relationship generally crushes and sexual friendships aren't a problem, but I've never had a thing for a monogamously married person before.
I think this feels wrong to because you may be developing more intense feelings for this man than your husband. This developing bond is what can tare apart your marriage.
You said that you wanted to be ethical and are worried about hurting his wife. You can not be ethical and continue this relationship with this man, because he is not in an open marriage. Again, you two have already hurt his wife. The kind thing to do is to let her (and your husband) in on what's happening between you and the OM, and let her and your husband have a say in what happens to their relationships and lives.
My husband and I have an open marriage so I could mess around with him if I wanted, but I know it's a bad idea.
Why do you think it's a bad idea? Could it be because it is, regardless of what sort of "open" arrangement you think you have with your H? If it were truly open, you'd be asking your H these questions, not us. Since you're not, it is most definitely an affair.
And while it's certainly up 2 you and your H what your "marriage" arrangement is, I would re-think the whole concept of open marriage. I think it's an oxymoron.
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Are we already having an EA, though?
Yes.
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And are we in danger of crossing any other lines?
Definitely.
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How would I know?
You already do, because you already have.
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And how do I stop?
No contact with OM for life. Change jobs if you have 2.
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I want to be as respectful and ethical as possible, even though I want him so bad. Help!
Then you have your work cut out for you. Best of luck.
Theoretically, in an open marriage you wouldn't be confiding your deepest, innermost thoughts and feelings with a bunch of strangers at an internet forum, you'd be doing it with your husband. As I said theoretically because in real life, more often than not, fear, resentment and jealousy come into play. The only good rule from an open marriage is the one that has to do with total honesty, the rest is a bunch of crap. So be totally honest with your husband regarding your feelings towards this OM.
Lastly, end all contact with the OM for even if you and your husband have no problem with you having sex on the side with OM, I doubt very much that the OM's wife will also give her blessing. She and their children could become the victims of your selfish choices and I doubt that you want that on your conscience, right?
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Open marriage or not, you know darn well that when he said "open marriage", he wasn't referring to an "open heart" with other men. You could possibly sleep with this guy and your H would be ok with it...but he darn sure wouldn't be ok with you falling in love with this guy, which you know this is where its headed.
This isn't rocket science.
The other side of this has been pointed out as well...your OM/MM is married...and it appears that their marriage is NOT open. So your option of sleeping with him would STILL be wrong, given what it does to HIS marriage and HIS wife.
Tell your H about your infatuation with OM...tell him that you've been hiding this from him...tell him, and work out a plan to break off contact with OM/MM...if you don't...this WILL go to a 'next step', and people will be even MORE hurt by what's going on.
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