OK, so I've been on here asking for advice, then even giving advice - but I now realize I've gotten nowhere since my whole situation started. The situation, in brief, is: my wife decided to leave last August, citing lack of chemistry and mutual complacency in our marriage compounded with her finding a more solid connection with an OM. It was never done maliciously and I know she had an extremely hard time coming to that decision, as I witnessed her melt down on several occasions, which was so hard to see. She now lives with the OM and I really have no idea how that's going, as we've largely been NC or little contact as of late at my request (I had found that I was doing better without the contact). Lately, I had found myself doing better, noticing other women, even flirting a little, and even considering the possibility of dating in the near future. Or so I had disillusioned myself anyway.
Late last week, she called me with some bad news that deeply affected the both of us. We spoke about three times that day and nothing significant of a personal nature was discussed, just the event at hand. I gave her some encouraging words, then we ended the conversation. I knew the news would put a damper on my weekend so I expected something... Earlier in the week before the news, I had decided to finally sell the engagement ring that she was nice enough to give back to me. It would be a puzzle piece of closure and I could always use the money as I'd racked up a considerable amount of debt trying to console myself over the last few months (side note: in case anyone didn't already know, it doesn't help). So I sold it (what a screwjob that was, BTW) and felt a little weight lift off of me. For about 10 minutes or so. Then I felt as though a dark cloud loomed over my head for the remainder of the weekend, I was irritable as all hell, and that's when it hit me during a bout of beer/cigarette self-destruction: I am not over this woman at all and, moreover, I still love her.
I keep wondering what things would have been like had we each not had our demons (mine being low self-esteem/self-confidence, hers anxiety). How would things have been different? Because I know they would have. What if this person really is my soulmate (something that each of us has discussed on more than one occasion since the separation) and we've somehow f****ed it all up? The circumstances of us ever meeting in the first place were rare and it just seemed so "right" for that reason... So now I'm realizing my true feelings uncovered from the facade I'd built - and also realizing that I'd done little to grow as a person since all of this started. And that the little I had done, I may have subconsciously tried to improve myself for her sake.
This is too long already, but I'll have to finish it off tomorrow, just had to get this out of my head onto the screen....
As you know BW, those 'what if's' are going to drive you crazy.
Why don't you ask yourself, 'what if I keep this up and never allow myself the chance to find someone else?' OR 'what if I never fully recover and don't live my life to the fullest?' (I could ask myself the same questions!!!)
You need to start realizing that asking those questions aren't doing anything for you. They are stalling your process. You need to start letting go and moving on.
As hard as that is for you...and trust me...I know! I am doing the same cr@p myself. You CAN do this. You are the only one in your way.
PS...I have my rings...was it really an awful process selling them? Did you get scr*wed?
__________________
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone...
OK, so I've been on here asking for advice, then even giving advice - but I now realize I've gotten nowhere since my whole situation started. The situation, in brief, is: my wife decided to leave last August, citing lack of chemistry and mutual complacency in our marriage compounded with her finding a more solid connection with an OM. It was never done maliciously and I know she had an extremely hard time coming to that decision, as I witnessed her melt down on several occasions, which was so hard to see. She now lives with the OM and I really have no idea how that's going, as we've largely been NC or little contact as of late at my request (I had found that I was doing better without the contact). Lately, I had found myself doing better, noticing other women, even flirting a little, and even considering the possibility of dating in the near future. Or so I had disillusioned myself anyway.
Late last week, she called me with some bad news that deeply affected the both of us. We spoke about three times that day and nothing significant of a personal nature was discussed, just the event at hand. I gave her some encouraging words, then we ended the conversation. I knew the news would put a damper on my weekend so I expected something... Earlier in the week before the news, I had decided to finally sell the engagement ring that she was nice enough to give back to me. It would be a puzzle piece of closure and I could always use the money as I'd racked up a considerable amount of debt trying to console myself over the last few months (side note: in case anyone didn't already know, it doesn't help). So I sold it (what a screwjob that was, BTW) and felt a little weight lift off of me. For about 10 minutes or so. Then I felt as though a dark cloud loomed over my head for the remainder of the weekend, I was irritable as all hell, and that's when it hit me during a bout of beer/cigarette self-destruction: I am not over this woman at all and, moreover, I still love her.
I keep wondering what things would have been like had we each not had our demons (mine being low self-esteem/self-confidence, hers anxiety). How would things have been different? Because I know they would have. What if this person really is my soulmate (something that each of us has discussed on more than one occasion since the separation) and we've somehow f****ed it all up? The circumstances of us ever meeting in the first place were rare and it just seemed so "right" for that reason... So now I'm realizing my true feelings uncovered from the facade I'd built - and also realizing that I'd done little to grow as a person since all of this started. And that the little I had done, I may have subconsciously tried to improve myself for her sake.
This is too long already, but I'll have to finish it off tomorrow, just had to get this out of my head onto the screen....
So, let me get this straight, she called you to share some bad news with you? Interesting... So she was not happy just sharing this with the OM?
If I were you, I would go out and date others. Make sure when you talk to her that she knows that you are seeing others at this time also. I think the only card you have left is the "jealousy" card. Good luck.
Also, be happy and positive when you speak with her.
Is the other man a deal breaker for you? It sounds like you are looking past that. I'm just curious. What does your ex communicate to you when you guys talk. How is the conversation? Strained?
To me, it sounds like she is having second thoughts about this man she's with. I'm not giving you false hope, but I'm not sure you should just walk away. It sounds like you aren't ready to do that.
Is the other man a deal breaker for you? It sounds like you are looking past that. I'm just curious. What does your ex communicate to you when you guys talk. How is the conversation? Strained?
To me, it sounds like she is having second thoughts about this man she's with. I'm not giving you false hope, but I'm not sure you should just walk away. It sounds like you aren't ready to do that.
There is a very good chance that this is true. It seems as though the OM may be seeing her as a responsibility in his life that he is not ready for. Happens quite a bit. Commitment can be a "bitch" for some single guys.
It's funny how the ex thinks you are the one to discuss this with. If she was done with you in her mind, she would not confide in you.
Wow, thanks for all the replies! I don't know what I would do without LS! I never did finish my thoughts so here goes:
I guess I *am* playing the "what if" games in my head but it's hard not to... What if real love is strong enough to overcome this current situation but it's never given a chance? Are people who are left really happy later with someone else or do they convince themselves they are? Do we realize that there are things about the person who left that annoyed us, or do we come up with these things in order to cope with the loss? Ultimately, I know what I have to do: work on improving myself (because God knows, I am in no shape to be with anyone right now, even my wife), for no reason other than for myself. I know that I can't control the outcome of this, I guess I'm just saying I haven't accepted the most plausible outcome yet. I'm also going to try and respond to each comment as you were all kind enough to reply.
Gunny: I have tried to do this and really thought that I had, honest. I guess I'm learning that it's not as easy as I'd thought...
Confused9: We seem to be riding the emotional rollercoaster together these days You also know how irrational we can be in the situation; on the weekend, I was so messed up that my answer to both of your questions would have been, "I don't care, I'll be alone then". Now *that* is irrational! Thanks for the advice, deep down I know you're right. BTW, re: the ring, let's just say I got 1/6 of what I paid for it. Oh well...
husbndinthemaking: I'm not reading anything in to the call, it was basically bad news concerning her pet (once our pet) and hence there was a connection to me. However, there have been plenty of things in the past months that I could easily read into and I was convinced several times that even she knew she made the wrong decision.
TrustInYourself: Late last year, when I found out there was an OM, I simply said, "I don't care, I love you and I want to be with you, and if you think you just made a mistake, then we can work past it" and I believed and meant it. Since then until recently, I'd convinced myself that it *was* a deal-breaker, that I'd never be able to get past it (pretty sure I'd even posted to that effect). But it's funny how love is: it's stronger than that when you truly believe in it.
In any case, I need to refocus on me again, *for me*. But first, I'm going to go have a beer Thanks for listening as always, I really do appreciate it. And sorry for another novel!
Of course your going to believe that your x was 'the one' and you are missing out now that you aren't together. Of course, your going to remember all the good and none of the bad. That's the way this works. Our minds, hearts, etc. trick us in to 'believing' things were better than they were.
Why wouldn't you question if you made the right choice or not? Don't most people question that? Of course there are doubts, but deep down...and I mean DEEEEEEP down...do you really believe it would have worked. Do you really think your x was 'the one' or are you just allowing your head to tell you that because you are lonely, etc? I mean...if they were 'the one' wouldn't we still be with them?
I know how this feels, trust me, I do. I mean, I was never really given an option to stay with my x...he cheated and just went nuts and never really came back from it...but...if I was and I really really tried...I don't know if I would have ever been able to come back from it. And he knew that. He said it all the time. For him, leaving was the easier thing to do. He didn't have to see my pain - he merely pretends it's not there. Just like I go around pretending that he is more than he is and a better man than he is, etc. I am rewriting the history of our relationship just as much as he is...he is rewriting it to make me look like the bad guy who deserves all the pain he put me through and I am rewriting it to make him look like the good guy. I don't remember one bad thing about this man and our relationship. I need Gunny to remind me of his faults...haha.That's the way most of us do it, I feel. Not all...but you know what I mean.
Just go back and read your old posts. Try and derive strength from that. Look at all the progress you've made. Think of all the things you've discovered about BW. Turn the negative thoughts off. I know these are all hard things to do...but...to move on, succesfully and give yourself the best shot at life, at love...is there really any other option?
Last edited by Confused9; 7th May 2008 at 9:39 AM.
Thanks Confused. I really have no idea about anything at this point. No doubt I am lonely, lonely as all hell, but it's not like I'm repressing horrible memories or anything because there were none. Re: whether or not I think it would have worked, I assume you meant after I found out about the OM? Did I think it would? Not sure, knew it would be a lot of work, but I was more than willing to try. We've traded a few e-mails today and I find myself trying to decipher them, looking for clues as to how she feels, etc. When I mentioned that I've been having a hard time the last few days, she basically said, "well, I'm not happy either". Well, about what? Because of the bad news last week, the current relationship, something else? Throw me a bone here, ya know?
Sometimes I almost wish she would come out and say, "I'm happier where I am now than I was with you, I made the right decision, we're done, for good, I've consulted a fortune teller who confirmed it, sorry, that's it." But I'm sure I just *think* I want to hear that. Maybe some sick side of me likes to live in limbo and that's why I've regressed, I don't know. It also doesn't help that my self-confidence (which was low to begin with) is now completely shot to hell. Life is once again an out-of-body experience.....
Wow, thanks for all the replies! I don't know what I would do without LS! I never did finish my thoughts so here goes:
I guess I *am* playing the "what if" games in my head but it's hard not to... What if real love is strong enough to overcome this current situation but it's never given a chance? Are people who are left really happy later with someone else or do they convince themselves they are? Do we realize that there are things about the person who left that annoyed us, or do we come up with these things in order to cope with the loss? Ultimately, I know what I have to do: work on improving myself (because God knows, I am in no shape to be with anyone right now, even my wife), for no reason other than for myself. I know that I can't control the outcome of this, I guess I'm just saying I haven't accepted the most plausible outcome yet. I'm also going to try and respond to each comment as you were all kind enough to reply.
Gunny: I have tried to do this and really thought that I had, honest. I guess I'm learning that it's not as easy as I'd thought...
Confused9: We seem to be riding the emotional rollercoaster together these days You also know how irrational we can be in the situation; on the weekend, I was so messed up that my answer to both of your questions would have been, "I don't care, I'll be alone then". Now *that* is irrational! Thanks for the advice, deep down I know you're right. BTW, re: the ring, let's just say I got 1/6 of what I paid for it. Oh well...
husbndinthemaking: I'm not reading anything in to the call, it was basically bad news concerning her pet (once our pet) and hence there was a connection to me. However, there have been plenty of things in the past months that I could easily read into and I was convinced several times that even she knew she made the wrong decision.
TrustInYourself: Late last year, when I found out there was an OM, I simply said, "I don't care, I love you and I want to be with you, and if you think you just made a mistake, then we can work past it" and I believed and meant it. Since then until recently, I'd convinced myself that it *was* a deal-breaker, that I'd never be able to get past it (pretty sure I'd even posted to that effect). But it's funny how love is: it's stronger than that when you truly believe in it.
In any case, I need to refocus on me again, *for me*. But first, I'm going to go have a beer Thanks for listening as always, I really do appreciate it. And sorry for another novel!
Let's visit this... What is love?
Hollywood makes love out to be a feeling that you get when met the person to make your dreams come true.
That is BS.
Love is a series of events that people share together at that given time that make each other happy. That is all it is. Call it karma, luck, etc.
As far as the call is concerned, my ex from my first marriage did the same thing. She desperately wanted me to change. My dog had got hit by a truck one morning and it devestated us. That was our "baby". She had called me after the divorce to make a memorial for our dog at her house.
Now.. Why would she do that if there was an OM in the picture? Because we shared the connection? I feel it was because a part of her wanted to believe I could change. At the time I was not ready to change and did not know what I know now. I did not take her up on the idea and told her to do it herself.
Regardless. Just be there for her if you really love her. Listen to her and be supportive. It is a good thing that you are working on improving yourself. This is a necessary step in recovery for both you and her.
Listen, I know. I know what you are going through. The pain, the anger, the confusion, feeling lost, everything. And even though my x (since we broke up) has treated me like garbage, written himself out of my life, caused me pain, suffering, debt, etc. I still love him. I love him as much as I did the day he left. Perhaps it's a different love. Perhaps it's the same? I don't know. All I know is I am in pain. I am in great pain and it sucks. He is in love with another woman and having a baby and I am broken and feel like I am beyond repair. Am I? Who knows. Are you? Who knows? But, we need to try and move on, and get over this.
If I knew how or why or when I would feel so much better too. It's just too hard to get through sometimes isn't it? But, some how we do it. Some how we get up, shower, go to work, get dressed and get on with our lives. Perhaps they aren't the lives we dreamed for ourselves, but we are still doing it. That's got to say something doesn't it?
I don't even know what the point of my post is. I am rambling on like a whacko. Today is a bad day for Confused9! : *(
From the posts of yours I have read, you seem like such a great guy--there are so few of you! I would give anything to meet someone as genuine, caring, and supportive as you. I agree with the privious poster who said your wife is crazy for leaving you.
All that being said: I understand that the "what if's" can consume you--it is upsetting to think of all that could have been done differently, or determining if she was indeed your "soul mate." However, what is done is done. She's made her (though be it rather bad, in my opinion) decision. You have to move on! There is some girl out there who deserves you!
Whatever happened to the young co-worker you were interested in? You said you were flirting more, well ask a girl out on a date! I'm sure any girl would be happy to date such an awesome guy--*cough* ask me! ;-)
Anyway, I hope things work out--don't drink/smoke too much! Remember: destroying your body isn't going to help bring her back, or help you find someone else. Take the negative energy and do something constructive with it! Go find a deserving girl to flirt with, and ask her out!
Thanks for the replies again, folks. I am in better condition today and am once again getting my head screwed back on properly. Even just reading the last two posts inspired me. It was a bad week though. I was bitter about having to start my life over in my mid-30s and about having no say in any of this. And yes, it can be liberating to date new people but it's still starting over and what if I don't have the energy/desire/trust/etc. to put into something that may not work? Scary thoughts... And Confused: no, you make a lot of sense. The human survival instinct is incredibly powerful and we gotta do our best. Plus, even if I don't feel like getting up, I have to for my doggies - don't know what I'd do without them.
I need to get on the path I was previously since I have no control over anything but myself anyway. I also think I need to re-institute the NC with my wife again; any contact seems to send me into a tailspin and as much as I'd like to be there for her when she needs it, someone else has that job now... I sent her birthday wishes via e-mail and she mentioned that she had cried a lot, one reason being that her pet (who passed last week) was the last link to our past. But I never made the decision to *put* us in the past and I've given her ample opportunities to come back; she's not happy with me nor is she happy without me and with someone else. Well, what can I do? Nothing. I often wonder if she feels she made the wrong decision but she feels she's done so much damage (me, families, friends) that there's no turning back; I'd hate to think so though. Bottom line, I'll never understand it; she left a nice house in a great neighborhood, a husband who loved her more than anything, all without trying to work on what she thought was broken - and still isn't happy. Hopefully she will be someday.
Oh, the co-worker I mentioned? Well, a 13-year age difference (though I don't act my age ) and her being in a relationship - not to mention it's a co-worker (and I have experience there...) - have snapped me back to reality. Still, I enjoy talking to her, I'll continue to have a little crush on her, I think she does like me on some level (she seems too playful at times not to), and I can see maybe hanging out with her occasionally - but I think that's it.
But, yeah, there's someone out there for me I suppose (maybe it's YOU *points finger at reader*). Look me up, SOS, my teeth aren't in a jar on the nightstand yet!
And lastly, I can't help but wonder how many other people have avoided being committed due to LS This place is the best!!
I don't read a lot of fiction, but one of the best books I ever read was titled, "P.S. Your Cat Is Dead"
Its about a guy who's wife just walked out on him, he just lost his job, he's about to be evicted, he's broke ~ and its Christmas Eve, and he comes's home to catch a gay burgular crawling with everything he has left worth stealing out the kitchen window! He catches the guy, ties him up, and they discuss "Life" getting drunk.
Life? Life is what happens when you make other plans. You live long enough, you will find that you don't always get what you want, but you will get what you need.
Husbandinthemaking (HITM), posted a post from a women's magazine, that changed its editorial policy ~ against leaving a less than satisfying marriage toward staying and "fighting it out" to make it work. In short, the article said, "Why did you divorce?" ~ "Because I wasn't happy!"
"Are you happy now that your divorced? ~ "No! I wished I had stayed! and fought for my marriage!"
She's not going to ever be happy with the OM! She may stay with him, but she will always long for you ~ and you for her. She's a part of you now ~ and there's no getting her out as a part of your history ~ nor you hers. David Allen Cole said it best, in his song ~ "I Use To Love You A Lot!"
As time passes for both of you the bad memories will fade, and both of you will only remember the good ones. That's how the human brain works!
Your in the "Lights Are On, But Nobody's Home" stage right now. Morning coffee is just food for the brain, going through the motions~ just going through the routine. Get up, shower, coffee, breakfast, go to work, come home ~ that alone each day is a chore!
IF you have the self-discipline, and self-control to avpoid falling into another relationship with someone else, you will reap boo-koo benefits from being single.
The fact of the matter is? 2/3rds if not 3/4's of anyone out there is nothig but a waste of your time, effort, energy and money.
Now is the time to clearly define what your looking for?
Most men, when asked what is your "dream car" can describe it to a "
T", but have never ~ ever done so when it comes to women and marriage!
I often wonder if she feels she made the wrong decision but she feels she's done so much damage (me, families, friends) that there's no turning back; I'd hate to think so though. Bottom line, I'll never understand it; she left a nice house in a great neighborhood, a husband who loved her more than anything, all without trying to work on what she thought was broken - and still isn't happy. Hopefully she will be someday.
I wonder the SAME thing BW. SAME thing. I sincerely believe he thought there was too much damage to fix us so why bother. Now, he's off living a whole new life and is screaming out how happy he is...but, is he really happy? If he were...would be be continuously trying to prove that he is? If he was...would he have written off everyone from here (he now lives out of state)and stopped talking to anyone from his past? I don't know, but I don't think so.
It's hard to imagine how our lives will improve but I guess that's in our hands now and the oppurtunity is there we just have to take it.
For now, let's just hope the pain will subside. Let's just hope the questions lessen or we won't be as 'needy' for answers.
Last edited by Confused9; 11th May 2008 at 7:54 PM.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
You also know how irrational we can be in the situation; on the weekend, I was so messed up that my answer to both of your questions would have been, "I don't care, I'll be alone then". Now *that* is irrational! 
) and her being in a relationship - not to mention it's a co-worker (and I have experience there...) - have snapped me back to reality. Still, I enjoy talking to her, I'll continue to have a little crush on her, I think she does like me on some level (she seems too playful at times not to), and I can see maybe hanging out with her occasionally - but I think that's it.
This place is the best!!
Linear Mode
