-----gut feeling my wife is cheating or about to0!!
Ok, I am new here. Heres where I am at....am I being paranoid or is this something to watch closely.
BACKGROUND:
I have been married for 3 years (been together almost 10years) we have a 2 year old daughter who is our joy of life. Since she was born our sex has dropped to about once every 3 - 4 weeks. before it was about only 1 - 2 times a week (not alot but still quite regular). We are both in our mid 30s.
My wife is a doctor.
She has a male *guy* work collegue who is also a doctor who she has known for maybe 7-8 years. He is married with 2 children of his own. Both him and his wife are both in their mid 30s too. We have had the odd dinner together and video. But not in the last 2-3 years. They have come up for kids b-day parties and vice versa. My wife is also good friends with his wife and visits her for coffee ever other week with the kids. She works with him and they go for coffee quite often.
MY WORRY:
We are sitting in the lounge on sunday (2 days ago)and her phone rings (mobile), I pass it to her and see *HIM* flash up on the screen. The talk for a while...... He phoned to see if she wanted to come around for coffee as his wife was out doing something and he was bored (I assume he had the kids?). She said she couldn't go because she was still getting better after the flu. I immediately said I wasn't happy about him ringing... she defended him by saying he was lonely???? She tried to calm me and say he was like one of the girls because he was so chatty.
Ok...I get home from work the next day Monday and check her phone (bad I know). I find a text message from monday morning:
HER: Do you want to go for coffee
HIM: Where are you?
That is all there is with them conversing.
She has been around to his house the 2 -3 times in the last couple of weeks for study help as he sat the same exams last year and he is coaching her. (I have no idea if his wife was there or not).
He and his family are going abroad in 5 weeks for a year.
I have had a strange gut feeling for about a year something isn't quite right not sure if it is paranoia (an ex girlfirend cheated on me several times) or if it is ligitamit concern. I have periodically checked her phone over the last year. And there have been quite a few of these kind of texts:
HER: Do you want to go for coffee
HIM: Where are you?
Working in the hospital they can have alot of free time between cases. Also there are sleeping rooms available for the staff, which staff can use when they want.
Yup, if your spidy sense is tingling, more often than not, something's up. If she's spending more time on the computer, slap on a keylogger. Also, don't ask or confront her about it. Check the cell and home phone bills for the last six months and the next few months. Notice any patterns, like escalation in the number of texts and calls.
Edit - before I forget to mention this, if the accounts are registered in your name, call your cell phone company and see if they can or will provide you transcripts of the content of the text messages.
__________________ Get busy living or get busy dying!
Last edited by Trialbyfire; 5th May 2008 at 8:10 PM.
About 7 years before my eventual "D" day.. I had a gut feeling about my now ex and a co-worker.. (I totally missed the long term marriage long affair!). At the time she said I was being silly, they were friends etc. That it was "cute" that I was jealous.
After a few months it didn't matter as he, his wife and three kids moved out of state, he took another media job.. in a larger market.
Come to find out "after D day" when my ex was really pouring it on to cause me pain that there had been an affair, the guys wife sniffed it out and said.. either take the other job or I'm leaving...
So I agree... go with your gut. If you think it's funky.. it just might be.
I'd say with no concrete proof you are doing your wife and marriage a disservice.
My Ex used to accuse me of cheating all the time, and I wasn't. I was doing nothing of the sort. His insecurities and acusations were a huge reason the marriage failed.
I'd say with no concrete proof you are doing your wife and marriage a disservice.
My Ex used to accuse me of cheating all the time, and I wasn't. I was doing nothing of the sort. His insecurities and acusations were a huge reason the marriage failed.
Siciliana, You certainly could be correct as well. How can anyone know until evidence and or the truth surfaces? Of course everyone here (most of us have been BS's at one point or another) hopes it's just a "bad feeling" based on nothing.
However.. I'm sure you would agree that by the time someone looks for and finds LS.. there are other problems afoot as well.
If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would have accepted you leaving her and going for coffee all the time with a female associate? Do you think she would accept your constant texting with this woman? How do you think your wife would have reacted by you saying this other woman wants to go for coffee with me again because she is lonely? I am sorry but it sounds like there is a very good chance from what you described that she is probably cheating on you. She is playing it smart allowing him to continue to call her at home trying to make it so it is not a big deal. Why does a married woman have to keep going out for coffee with another married male colleague?
I am sorry but it sounds like she is playing you for a fool. Her behavior is very disrespectful to you. Your gut is almost always correct. I would have a friend follow her and observe her what she goes on these "coffee dates."
You say you, your W, him and his W are all friends?
Get everybody 2gether and let your W and her H convince the 2 of you that there is nothing for you 2 worry about. How your W reacts, even 2 the suggestion of such a meeting, will speak volumes.
In any case, there is no reason for your W 2 have any "private" contact with this guy whatsoever. And if there's nothing for you 2 worry about, she won't mind telling you everything that's said be2ween them, and making sure that they're never alone 2gether. Either you or his W should be there at all times.
I have managed to get a phone log of her phone records over the last 3 months... It appears they have been texting and calling each other ever day or second day.
I don't think they have had sex.... (god I hope not).. But it appears she is in some Emotional affair with the guy at the very least.
I checked her phone today and she had a bit of a crisis with something this morning... rather than txt me... she text him about it... (GOD I am in pain at the moment.,,, that friggin hurts)
When I refect on things, I probably haven't been listening to her as much as I could have....... This week I have been really making an effort to be nice to her and really taking an interest in her. She asked why I was being so nice.
How should I tackle her about this..... should I just say come out with how I am feeling about the other guy and try and stop it before something happens.... or should I just be quiet and keep monitoring and risk something happening?
Sit her down and ask her how she feels about your marriage. Ask her if she feels she can confide in you when she is having a bad day. Tell her you feel that you two are slipping apart and you want to fix it.
I know as men we have a hard time communicating our feelings in a rational manner when we feel we are being disrespected, but be calm about it.
Tell her you know that there are areas that you know you need to work on and that you are willing to work on those.(she probably is seeing that already by your posts)
Tell her that you feel that she is getting a little too emotionally involved with HIM. She may deny this. But still let her know you are uncomfortable with it. If she starts in by telling you that you are being controlling and overreacting, tell her if I was doing the same thing you are doing..would you be comfortable with it? This is where you need to look at her expression...the initial one. There may be a hint of guilt, or maybe not.
IMO I think she is already high in the throes of an emotional affair and highly suspect it has gotten physical. Maybe kissing, heavy petting or maybe even the act.
You really have no evidence except for texting and a gut feeling. Usually your gut is right. I also agree with 2long on how to discuss it
Last edited by shakenandstirred; 8th May 2008 at 8:28 AM.
Reason: spelling
I had an emotional affair with a coworker that ended two months ago.
My husband suspected something was up for several months but kept quiet. He said he was in denial, kept talking himself out of it.
He said he had plans to confront me with his suspicions and to give me an ultimatum: quit work/stay with husband OR stay at work/stay with OM. In the end he didn't have to give me the ultimatum because the OM left the workplace first.
He confronted me with his suspicions when he saw how I fell into a depression after the OM left the workplace. I told him everything. We are now working on our marriage.
If I were you, casionz, I would not wait to confront your wife. EA's can escalate quickly. Mine did. It was one the verge of a PA.
I would show her the phone records and tell her you KNOW she is having an affair with this man. Give her some info on what an EA is. She may not even realize she is in an affair.
But no married woman should be text messaging any man other than her husband on a daily basis. This shows she "needs" him for an emotional "fix."
The fact that she meets with him outside work is another big red flag. People in EA's try to find ways to spend "alone" time. Coffee is just a smokescreen to make the liaison appear innocent.
She is turning to him (instead of you) for emotional support in a crisis. Another big red flag.
And he is turning to her (instead of his wife) because he is lonely. RED FLAG.
She will probably deny she is having any kind of affair and that they are just friends. I did, too. Not because I flat out wanted to lie, but because I truly did not think at the time that I was in an affair since nothing got physical (yet). WRONG.
Emotional affairs are very dangerous and destructive to a marriage, perhaps moreso than a PA, because over time you let the other person into your heart - either alongside your spouse or as a replacement for your spouse.
You need to take steps to end the EA before he takes your place in her heart.
You need to insist she stop seeing this man and talking to him. Complete NC. It's the only way to end the EA. Tell her your marriage is in jeopardy if she doesn't and that what she is doing is disrespectful to you and it needs to stop.
Be strong because if she is in an EA, you will be in a major battle against her feelings for this man. She is not going to want to give up her "fix."
What she says and does after you confront her will be telling.
Taylor is spot on. EA's are deadly to marital relationships. An EA, like a corrosive acid, can eat right through marital bonds. I strongly suspect that the MM has already replaced you in your wife's Heart.
I also suspect that the Affair has a physical component. The repeated "Do you want to go for coffee" is an attempt to conceal less innocent activities. I truly believe that these two are doing much more than sipping java.
Good luck, man. I don't envy your predicament. I'm happy I'm single.
__________________
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
- Oscar Wilde
She's is almost certainly having an emotional affair and perhaps physical too. Texting once every other day is way too much.
I would confront your wife, and say what is bothering you. If she denies anything, which she probably will, then it's easy - just say it bothers you a lot how much she talks to this guy, and say that for the sake of the marriage and your feelings, you want her to cut all contact with him. If she is innocent, she will agree to this to assuage your feelings, or will at least agree to making all contact supervised by you and much more infrequent (e.g. you and her go to dinner with the other couple once a month or something - that's easily enough for a normal social friendship). If she is guilty, she will rant and rave about cutting contact, and accuse you of being unreasonable. In other words, she will think about what she is going to lose, rather than thinking of how she can make her husband feel happier.
That is how you tell if she is cheating for real. If she freaks out about cutting contact with this guy, she is screwing him. If she takes it in her stride and reassures you in a non-evasive way, she is innocent - in which case she will stop contacting him anyway and your problem is solved.
Just confront her and ask her straight her calmly the following questions:
1. "Is there I should know about what's going on with you and this guy?"
If she answers "no, we're just friends" (we already what this leads to) go to next question.
Watch her behavior closely. Is she gets defensive, keep your cool. Make her think you know what's going on without really telling her. Then ask her.
3. "Are you still happy with me and our marriage? Because if you aren't let me know. We have two choices. We can either work it out and find out how we can improve it while we still can OR we can decide how you would like to handle our responsibilities as parents..." Don't add anymore. Leave it at this.
If she hesitantly says "yeah...." in a high pitch tone voice then this is great start for your marriage and define what's going on.
If she says "No" then respond calmly and reiterate:
"Ok. Then I have no reason to worry about this guy and letting his wife know, right?" Don't add anymore. Leave it at this and again watch her body language.
If she gets defensive, the affair possibly a physical one have begun. And what she will do is turn you into the bad guy just to justify what's going on. At least this approach will make her think twice.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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