[stbx2007]

Please help me to not explode before summer. My divorce will be final by summer or before according to my lawyer. It was contested because we have a house and a disabled teen. My stbx is still living in the house but in a separate room. He had a lawyer for a couple of months but fired him and now has none. He didn't show up on his day in court to produce financial documentation. I hope he does the same on the day the final decree goes to trial. Although he's an educated guy he acts like a complete fool. I've ceased being angry because I realize that I'm dealing with a narcissistic personality and thats a mess. I don't know how to even talk to him. He only responds to actions and mostly negatively. My biggest stressor right now (I'll post the others separately) is the house. Its too big and needs too much for me to maintain. I have a real estate license but my ex is so into blaming me for EVERYTHING that I don't want to touch my own house sale. He will grin and be cordial to any stranger even if they're gouging his eyes out. I want to just bail. If I do that he'll let the house go to seed and blame me. I've told him that we can get together on preparing the house for the market. If we sell it we will save money. As usual he doesn't see it that way. No, instead he gripes and ignores. He won't do the yard but gripes about paying someone to do it. I'm painting our daughter's room and he comments on how long its taking me. Do you believe him? He spends every weekend watching tv, unshowered and in his pajamas. If I say anything he accuses me of picking at him no matter how I phrase it. Anyway I'm so stressed I can't think. I'm looking for a second job to get out of here. My lawyer says to stay put until its over. I'm planning to move out west and far away from him. He can take the house and shove it. What would you do?

[LakesideDream]

stbx2007, He's checked out of the marriage. Money isn't a motivator anymore... he isn't planning or seeing a future for himself yet. Not atypical. The idea is "ignore the problem and it will go away"... which isn't so dumb. About 60% of the time, problems just "age out" of the situation.

There isn't a thing you can do about it. You have no avenue of inspiring him to see your side. There are no "carrots" left to dangle in front of his shout.

Your lawyer is correct, DO NOT abandon the marital home. That sends a very bad message to the court.

It the disabled teen you and your husbands child? Child from a previous relationship? That status is very important.

More backstory.

[Gunny376]

Originally Posted by LakesideDream

stbx2007, He's checked out of the marriage. Money isn't a motivator anymore... he isn't planning or seeing a future for himself yet. Not atypical. The idea is "ignore the problem and it will go away"... which isn't so dumb. About 60% of the time, problems just "age out" of the situation.

There isn't a thing you can do about it. You have no avenue of inspiring him to see your side. There are no "carrots" left to dangle in front of his shout.

Your lawyer is correct, DO NOT abandon the marital home. That sends a very bad message to the court.

It the disabled teen you and your husbands child? Child from a previous relationship? That status is very important.

More backlstory.

Astute obsevation Grasshopper ~ a "hasty defense" ~ they taught you well in "Q" town and in the "land of the Yellow Man!"

Your points to the front and rear are covered, you've sent out flankers and requested recon patrols!

NEVER willingly abandon your base of operations! Secure your second lines of fire and fallback! Reduncey is an attribute! Forget plan "A" and "B" think Plan "A: through "Z"! Anticipate eight, twelve steps ahead of your opponenet!

Amazing how Life is War!

Ref: The Art Of War" and "The Book of The FIve Rings" thousands of years old, but still so relevant! tp day to day life!

[stbx2007]

Originally Posted by LakesideDream

stbx2007, He's checked out of the marriage. Money isn't a motivator anymore... he isn't planning or seeing a future for himself yet. Not atypical. The idea is "ignore the problem and it will go away"... which isn't so dumb. About 60% of the time, problems just "age out" of the situation.

There isn't a thing you can do about it. You have no avenue of inspiring him to see your side. There are no "carrots" left to dangle in front of his shout.

Your lawyer is correct, DO NOT abandon the marital home. That sends a very bad message to the court.

It the disabled teen you and your husbands child? Child from a previous relationship? That status is very important.

More backstory.

Yes the child is from this marriage.

[husbndinthemaking]

Originally Posted by stbx2007

Please help me to not explode before summer. My divorce will be final by summer or before according to my lawyer. It was contested because we have a house and a disabled teen. My stbx is still living in the house but in a separate room. He had a lawyer for a couple of months but fired him and now has none. He didn't show up on his day in court to produce financial documentation. I hope he does the same on the day the final decree goes to trial. Although he's an educated guy he acts like a complete fool. I've ceased being angry because I realize that I'm dealing with a narcissistic personality and thats a mess. I don't know how to even talk to him. He only responds to actions and mostly negatively. My biggest stressor right now (I'll post the others separately) is the house. Its too big and needs too much for me to maintain. I have a real estate license but my ex is so into blaming me for EVERYTHING that I don't want to touch my own house sale. He will grin and be cordial to any stranger even if they're gouging his eyes out. I want to just bail. If I do that he'll let the house go to seed and blame me. I've told him that we can get together on preparing the house for the market. If we sell it we will save money. As usual he doesn't see it that way. No, instead he gripes and ignores. He won't do the yard but gripes about paying someone to do it. I'm painting our daughter's room and he comments on how long its taking me. Do you believe him? He spends every weekend watching tv, unshowered and in his pajamas. If I say anything he accuses me of picking at him no matter how I phrase it. Anyway I'm so stressed I can't think. I'm looking for a second job to get out of here. My lawyer says to stay put until its over. I'm planning to move out west and far away from him. He can take the house and shove it. What would you do?

I guess he is pretty hurt right now and is giving up caring. That sux for him.

Remember what he used to be like when you first met him? Big difference, huh?

"Although he's an educated guy he acts like a complete fool." - Wow. Pretty harsh.

"I'm painting our daughter's room and he comments on how long its taking me. Do you believe him?" - Yes, I do. It is obvious he is extremely hurt by all of this also. You are failing to see this because you are thinking of yourself now.

I find it funny that you are not aware of his pain right now. Amazing... Your self preservation has made you blind to his feelings.

SIDE NOTE: I am NOT taking sides here. Just responding to what you typed.

[TrustInYourself]

Every action you take creates a reaction that feeds your spouse's negativity. Every comment that you make, feeds a negative response by your spouse. You can do nothing to change your spouse's behavior. The only step you can take to control the situation and create a civil environment/situation is by changing/adjusting your behaviors and reactions to your spouse.

It's time to really think about your reactions to what he says and does. Do you want to fuel his behaviors? Everything we do is a reaction to the way we interpret what our spouse is communicating. Not to what is actually being communicated.

You are trying to reason with him about selling the house. Talk to him about keeping the house. Don't agree or disagree. Just listen. That's one small thing from what you provided here.

It's all about working to provide a positive environment through self restraint.

For example, before my wife moved out, she would talk about her friends and their bad habits/vices. As a man, I would add on and contribute which would infuriate her. These were here friends. Now, I simply listen and you would not believe the difference that has made in our communication. Sometimes you just have to make a very minor adjustment in the way you communicate and respond to your spouse to allow him a second to realize his own actions/responses.

Good luck.

[TrustInYourself]

Also, I'd like to add. I still think those negative things about her friends. I just don't voice them. I simply laugh with her. LOL, it's funny but I can think what I want and still feel the same. I just don't voice those feelings. It's like thinking your boss is an ******* and telling him he is one.

[husbndinthemaking]

Originally Posted by TrustInYourself

It's like thinking your boss is an ******* and telling him he is one.

You just cracked me up! It's so true...