[supernova]

Hello there,

Yes I have posted here before - best to read all about the background; http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t116955/

So for a long time I was true to my word and stayed away from OG. Í left it to my H to contact him and I stayed out of it. I only talked to him in a group setting etc. Another guy, let's call him D, another friend of my H's started showing interest. I ignored him but after some time we sort of flirted a little i guess but luckily he moved interstate and he first then me cut off communication. I'd like to think I cut it off for being altruistic but in reality I cut it off after he made it clear that us communicating wasn't right. There was no reason for it and it wasn't right for a woman to be close friends with a guy who wasn't her H.

I sort of liked the D thing in my life at the time though because it helped me get over OG. But the strange thing that ended up happening was that OG seemed more interested than he ever had. I was happy that both D and OG were no longer a concern in my life and focused on trying to be a good wife to my H. It was working and he was talking about having kids with me.

Right before D came on the scene too, a close friend of ours committed suicide, before that our friend's dad got cancer and died and in the time since, OG has had his bipolar disorder get worse and now an unwanted pregnancy from a GF who thought she couldn't get pregnant from a health condition but fate had other ideas and now she will be having his son, and my friend whose dad got cancer and died, came out as bi and his mum has almost disowned him.

When all these things started happening, I started to get really bad with my anxiety, I've always been prone to anxiety
& depression though never sought help for it. When I was a teenager, I was also on the verge of anorexia I think. My dad who died beat me up and in addition to thinking about this more than I ever have before, I've been having repressed memories of another type of abuse from a stranger from when I was five.

The last time I had this memory was 10 years ago. At the time I pushed it aside because I wasn't going to be that girl and I just couldn't reach into that corner of my mind. But it has come back and it's worse than before. I feel like I'm not the sweet girl I once was and am just an empty shell.

Anyway my H works a lot interstate. He's hardly ever around and I've had a lot of time to myself. I've been really lonely because my girlfriend N has this new BF who she spends all her time with. I've tried to tell my H on more than one occasion that I need help - he gets cross and frustrated. I guess I don't blame him. He 'has told me to see someone and then I ask him if he thinks I'm crazy. Then he says to me that I'm too hard on myself and I'm not like our friend who killed himself or OG, that they were/are the ones who need help not me. I asked him to ask OG for the details of the psych he's seeing but he wouldn't. I also think he is resentful of me because I admitted one time to him about an attraction I had to another guy and that I was trying to be a better person. He asked me who it was and I told him it wouldn't make a difference and he said that it's funny but he always thought I had the hots for OG. I was talking about OG of course but he couldn't be 100% sure.

It was OG's birthday and H was interstate again. I was invited and wasn't sure if I was going to still go but I couldn't face the thought of being alone at home with my thoughts so I decided to go. I also thought my girlfriend N was going to be there as OG told me that. So I go and look around and am almost going to leave but OG calls me over.

There are some girls at the table so I decide to stay. Then the girls leave with their boyfriends and I stay, still chatting and drinking. After awhile we go to another bar, still okay because lots of ppl are around then a friend of ours, M, another girl C and OG and me go to a quieter bar.

I still think it's okay because there are 4 of us but then C gets up and leaves as does M. M got onto C earlier while his live-in GF is on holidays.

OG and I start talking. We are both pretty drunk and I confess to him how I've been feeling, that it's all dark. He holds me and tells me he's sorry. He asks me if there's something I need to get off my chest. I keep saying no but in hindsight I think he was fishing for me to say I was in love with him. He tells me that he loves me and my H. I remember at some stage kissing him on the cheek a couple of times and telling him that he's not a bad person. I remember him telling me that he can give me the name of his shrink and then asking me what's wrong and I told him that it's something from my past. I am thinking that both of us have the same problem - we have a saviour complex.

He and I were getting a bit cozy, sort of holding hands that kind of thing when M comes back and can't believe what he's seeing. He questions us and tells us we're crazy. Neither of us are particularly perturbed by this. OG starts touching my hair and holding my hand and rubbing my body and truth is I really like it. But I freeze and don't do anything.

M questions me about what I'm doing and I tell him he's a hypocrite since I just saw him kissing another girl when he has a defacto. He refuses to leave and asks me what I think about OG being a dad (OG is freaking out because he's not going to make father of the year the state he's in).

I tell M that then people die and what does it all matter. He asks me when my dad died and I say ''a few years ago'' and then ''I don't remember'' but my dad died five years ago so not sure why I said that.

Then OG gets up and says to me loudly ''Kiss me. Just kiss me''. At that moment I would have liked nothing more than to have kissed him but I didn't. I sat there and then after awhile, M says he's leaving.

OG says he's going to get a pack of cigarettes and I say I'm going to go with him. M is annoyed but leaves. I follow OG into the convenience store, he gets his cigarettes and I ask him if he wants me to go with him somewhere. He looks at me and says ''No. Go home'' and hails me a cab. I look at him and kiss him on the cheek and he looks at me sadly. I get in the cab and go home and I am sad too.

Today, my anxiety has gotten a bit out of control. I called OG - he screens all his calls so I knew I wouldn't talk to him, I just left him a message that I just wanted to talk to him to work things out. He'll go into his shell when things get tough then come out again at certain moments. Of course, I'm sure he'll say that it's because of loyalty to my H but he isn't really a brave guy at all.

I know this is all sounding extremely f$%^&d up but some good is coming out of it all as I am finally facing up to me and my life. Here's what I'm learning:
1. I need to talk to a professional about the physical abuse from my dad, my family's denial of it and how his sudden death plus my inability to confront him about the abuse before he died affected me. I also need to talk about the repressed memories and why my friend's suicide has drudged up all this stuff.
2. I am in love with OG. I have been for a long time. I tried to deny that I was because I wanted to have the good guy. I wanted the happy ever after ending - I thought I deserved it. But I was just play pretending. I desire OG but he'll never be my prince - desire is the only thing he could ever give me.
3. While I do love and respect my husband, I don't desire him. He is perfect though. And I am a fool. He deserves someone who loves him utterly and completely not someone who keeps trying not to be in love with someone else who happens to be one of his best friends.

Points 2 and 3 make me think that I need to get away. Leave my city, my husband and start a new life on my own. Without OG, Without H. Just me. Learn to be strong. I am a fighter. I'm not going to let my f@#$%d up childhood stop me from living.

I am terrified of doing all this of course because I have no reason to leave H. And I am due to go on holidays with him in 3 days...

For now at least I am finally being honest with myself and that's the first step to change I think.

[twice_shy]

supernova,
You make me want to vomit. I read your other story. It seems like it doesn't matter who is another man in your life as long as you have one.

Why don't you just get divorced, then you can screw around with whatever guy you find attractive til your heart is content.

let your husband go and do him a favor. You are not fit to be married.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I agree with her going far away, I understand her loneliness but cheating is not the answer.

Maybe she's a love addict.

Her husband does deserve better. and he needs to know what kind of woman you are. Stand up and be responsible for your actions.

[twice_shy]

Originally Posted by supernova

3. While I do love and respect my husband

No....you don't.

I am terrified of doing all this of course because I have no reason to leave H.

Uh yes, you do have a reason to leave your H. Whether you believe it or not, you have already betrayed him.

You just said in your post above that you have no desire for him and that you are in love with someone else. If thats not reason, I don't know what is.

The other reason you need to leave your husband is because you shouldn't be married and he doesn't deserve this.

[shakenandstirred]

I have read your other post and in that one you were told that OG was merely playing a game with you. You started to heed the advice and said you would stay away from him. Obviously you have not. If your husband knew of the things you were doing he would be livid and so would you if you found out he was doing the same.

It is good that you realize that you have problems from childhood, what is bad is that you are hurting your husband who does not even have an idea he is being hurt. But I guarantee you he is highly suspicious.
You will have nothing but problems if you go to OG, he has problems of his own. Everything looks good in fairyland until you really move there. If you were to get with OG you would see that "love" isn't really love at all. You are just desiring someone who you really cannot have morally.

I have been with my wife since I was 20...I am now 42. I had childood problems too. My dad was abusive and I never really had a father figure. Those are/were my problems and I got help for it. You need to get help too.

Do you want out of your marriage? If you don't you are working toward it.

Is OG A person you really can count on or is he just an emotional crutch for you?

You can't really have a future with anyone until you can be loyal and true to yourself.
You did marry too young...you were not ready and you are still the same person you were at 18/19..just a little older.
Now you have dragged your husband into this and you probably are going to crush him when he finds out whats been going on.. He will find out.
You have been unfaithful to him..emotionally and physically..sex is not the only defintion of physical affair. A kiss or a hug that is meant to go further is physically cheating.

Are you going to get help? Are you going to tell your husband?

Its time to put your big girl panties on and stop playing musical chairs.

[taylor]

supernova - You sound like a little girl who is lost. Please try to get some professional help. You have a long way to go in coming to terms with your childhood. I think your issues from your childhood are making you think and behave the way you are now. You are "acting out."

I don't know how supportive your husband is to you, but he also needs to understand that you are struggling emotionally and need professional help.

I think right now your mental state should be your number one priority.

Once you have that under control, you can tackle your marriage problems.

These other men who move in and out of your life can't solve your problems. They serve no good purpose.

You seem to be craving acceptance and love. You won't find it from these men. They are just temporary fixes for a much larger problem that you have.

Get counseling and perhaps some meds. Find out how to love yourself. Then maybe you can find love again in your marriage. I hope your husband will stay by your side, even though your behavior has not been appropriate. You really do need someone who truly cares about you to help you.

Keep posting. We want to know how you are doing.

[mental_traveller]

You really shouldn't be married. Get divorced so your husband can find someone who is actually in love with him, and so that you can then pursue whatever love life you want to have, without screwing up other people's lives.

[NewSunrise]

Supernova,

Two words: GROW UP.

You have a lot to learn about commitment, respect and what marriage is about. Reading your post, I envisioned someone who has the mental capacity of a 16 year old.

Let this marriage be a lesson. Until you are ready, truly ready to live the realities of marriage and to be a responsible adult, please do not attempt another march to the altar or justice of the peace.

If fun and whatever fun you seek to fulfill your craving for attention to be loved and wanted, don't drag some honest loving guy. What you are doing is no different than what you were dealt with by your father who abused you.

Hey, I too was abused. But I never used it as an excuse for mistreating people. At some point in our "adult" life, pass the age of 21, our reward is a myriad of CHOICES. So choose wisely. Think about this the next time you make a decision.

1. HOW WILL MY DECISION AFFECT ME IN THE LONG RUN. Not today, but years down the road.

2. WILL MY DECISION AFFECT SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE? If it does, you've got options my dear.

Choices. Choices. Choices.

Allow yourself to make mistakes. That's what makes us human. And this is how we gain knowledge and wisdom.

But don't allow yourself to make the same mistakes over. This is being responsible and considerate.

3. MAKE DECISIONS BASE ON LOVE. If you do, you'll eliminate resentment.

So with those in mind, do the decent thing if truth and honesty is what you seek to learn. Either GROW UP now and learn with your husband OR have the decency to tell him the truth. Give him the choice to kick you to the curb OR forgive you and the two will work it out He is entitled to choose, much in the same way you felt entitled to deceive him.