I am sorry i am posting this here, but i keep reading all these very threads, and not one thread seems to end in a good way. I have posted before (sometimes when not really sober) and i was negative in them as well. It hurts, these A's, especially when they are over, but for a while now i keep thinking, why are there no positive posts/threads on here. I think i know the answer, but thats for you to decide, i am going to be positive right now.
I had an affair. I loved her. She made me see things in a totally different light. I was happy, and in love, and things were awesome. She left for a new job. I ended up leaving my wife. The OW ended up trying to fix things at home. I am heartbroken that she is trying to fix things BUT, in 8 years i have NEVER been happier, and I know that if the OW never entered my life I never would have made the decision, or had the courage to follow through on leaving a terrible situation.
As sad as i am that she is working on things at home, and as upset that i thought i would be, i am totally blissful. She is going to try to fix things, and she very well may, but she will be happy. I am moving on with my life, and I will be happy too! So yeah, affairs are not a good thing to do, 20/20 hindsight, but sometimes real happiness can result.
I know people do not look for sites like this when things are going good, or they are happy, but i am happy now, and i wanted to bring a little sunshine to this site. Flame on i guess.
I am sorry i am posting this here, but i keep reading all these very threads, and not one thread seems to end in a good way. I have posted before (sometimes when not really sober) and i was negative in them as well. It hurts, these A's, especially when they are over, but for a while now i keep thinking, why are there no positive posts/threads on here. I think i know the answer, but thats for you to decide, i am going to be positive right now.
I had an affair. I loved her. She made me see things in a totally different light. I was happy, and in love, and things were awesome. She left for a new job. I ended up leaving my wife. The OW ended up trying to fix things at home. I am heartbroken that she is trying to fix things BUT, in 8 years i have NEVER been happier, and I know that if the OW never entered my life I never would have made the decision, or had the courage to follow through on leaving a terrible situation.
As sad as i am that she is working on things at home, and as upset that i thought i would be, i am totally blissful. She is going to try to fix things, and she very well may, but she will be happy. I am moving on with my life, and I will be happy too! So yeah, affairs are not a good thing to do, 20/20 hindsight, but sometimes real happiness can result.
I know people do not look for sites like this when things are going good, or they are happy, but i am happy now, and i wanted to bring a little sunshine to this site. Flame on i guess.
The only thing I can say is....you have to make you happy because nobody else will.
I had an affair. I loved her. She made me see things in a totally different light. I was happy, and in love, and things were awesome. She left for a new job. I ended up leaving my wife. The OW ended up trying to fix things at home. I am heartbroken that she is trying to fix things BUT, in 8 years i have NEVER been happier, and I know that if the OW never entered my life I never would have made the decision, or had the courage to follow through on leaving a terrible situation.
Mongoose, may I ask WHY you wouldn't have been able to leave on your own? I've observed that as a rule, men (whether single or M) don't leave their current R's until they have another, more appealing one to go to... and I don't understand why they do this.
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"There are still too many days when I'm the only woman in the room." -Nancy Pelosi
Isn't the fact that you feel happier than you could have been a positive thing?
I know a lot of threads are full of negativity, but happy people don't usually post on problem forums. They're usually looking for solutions to their own problems.
I'm with you, my R with a MM held some of the hardest moments I ever had, but I had my happiest too. We're together now, and things just keep getting better although we have our fair share of bumps in the road. As my screename suggests, I wouldnt change a thing though. Knowledge and experience, no matter how painful, allows you to see happiness for what it is - temporary, and to be appreciated.
Here is what I see...it took you to involve OW & her family...your own W & family..to pull yourself up in to a place of happiness.
It took a lot of people (and peoples pain)to get you to where you are.
Why couldn't you have done it on your own?
I am not being flip. I really want to know. We all want to know. This is a question that floats on LS all of the time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mongoose20
and I know that if the OW never entered my life I never would have made the decision, or had the courage to follow through on leaving a terrible situation.
Mongoose, sounds like you are happy and at peace with your situation. I have largely reached that place as well. For me, the cause was time.. enough time has passed that the pain has faded.
Many (most?) of us here are at a point in our lives where ruling emotion is pain, and discomfort is an everyday feeling. Without knowing your "backstory" it's hard to relate to your situation.
I congradulate you... and sincerely hope you are able to remain (blissful) as you continue.
I agree with Isis. And lets be honest here, there was no positive in the affair except for your own joy...
Here are the negatives that occurred to get your happiness...
1) You lied to your wife.
2) You made a mockery of your vows.
3) You either (A) Lied to the other woman for a while before you told her the truth. or (B) Got involved with a woman who could give a damn about what is right or wrong.
4) You took time and money and effort that you should of put into your marriage and put it elsewhere.
5) You wasted the time and efforts of your wife who could of gotten married to a man of honor and respect.
6) You had no courage to stand up and tell your wife there are issues, nor did you seek means to fix your problems.
So now you see why there is no positive things really mentioned about those who have affairs or cheat on their SOs? Because you are doing more damage and ruining things beyond your marriage. A lot of people fail to realize, each and everyone of us is an example to someone else. Someone is looking at us and making decisions in their lives based on what someone did or did not do. So, now there is no positive there. However, there are positive on the side of the faithful spouse be it they decide to stay in there and work things out or they boot the adultery to the curve and go on to bigger and better things.
But your right, now that everyone has moved on and hopefully all have found their happiness, that is a good thing and very positive indeed.
DNR
Former other people and ex spouses, be smart once you get out of an adulterous love life. Leave that person alone and find someone who understand and lives by their word of honor.
The only thing I can say is....you have to make you happy because nobody else will.
Thanks for bringing a little sunshine.
You forget HIS happiness came at the expense at the cost of two other people. It would be like saying I can take somebody else's car because it makes me happy and as long as I am happy that is good. But your right, no one or nothing can make you happy, you have to find that for yourself.
More than 2 people. Him, his W, OW & her H. We don't even know if children were involved on any sides.
If there were, they too had to feel & witness all of the pain.
Again...I am not being flip, but I would like to know how a man becomes so weak & dependent on others. Think about it....it took a lot of people to pull this man up.
I am honestly not trying to be rude, but it's mind blowing. What is also mind blowing...is that it is EXTREMELY common.
The absolute mind blowing this about it is...people did not have to go through all of this pain. IF THIS MAN WOULD HAVE HAD COURAGE & STRENGTH.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark-N-Romantic
You forget HIS happiness came at the expense at the cost of two other people. It would be like saying I can take somebody else's car because it makes me happy and as long as I am happy that is good. But your right, no one or nothing can make you happy, you have to find that for yourself.
So, there was also this woman's husband involved so I get to add,
7) Your lack of respect for someone elses marriage.
8) Possible damage to children if any are involved.
9) Stealing of another person's affection from their spouse.
10) Contributioning to the corrupt morals of another.
Lets not forget about unknown side effect that could of happened that adulters sometimes find out too late...
11) Having a child out of wedlock.
12) The catching and transmitting of STDs to one's spouse and/or children.
13) The chance of you having a nut for a lover, or if that spouse is a the kind who goes old school on those who mess with his wife, who stalks you or your family and puts them through hell or worst.
14) The true cost to one's life and family when children are involved.
15) The disappointment of others when they realize promises and vows mean nothing to you.
But, again, I guess despite the number of negativities and the severities of these acts of adulteries, not to meantion the unforseen or often times over looked risks, the positives of your happiness is something worth celebrating.
Again, I am talking about past. And here are the positives...
1) You are free to have your happiness, hopefully not the expense of anyone else any more.
2) This woman showed wisdom in finding out who and what and where her TRUE happiness lies.
3) Your wife can find a man who is good for her.
4) You can date other women or even get married to the right woman for you this time around.
Yeah, there are a few happy and positive outcomes to this whole thing.
I am sorry i am posting this here, but i keep reading all these very threads, and not one thread seems to end in a good way.
GEL posted one, and there have been some others too - though of course there are lots of people who still take pot-shots at those of us who are happy, for whom it has worked out, because they still don't like the fact that it worked out well for us when it started (in their eyes) so very badly.
So when is being an adulterer/adultress and the other person a positive/good thing?
Quote:
Originally Posted by OWoman
GEL posted one, and there have been some others too - though of course there are lots of people who still take pot-shots at those of us who are happy, for whom it has worked out, because they still don't like the fact that it worked out well for us when it started (in their eyes) so very badly.
I think what is not being seen is that we are NOT (well at least I'm not) saying that I am against a relationship or marriage that happens once the DIVORCE is final. No, we are talking about the "Its just us two and no one else matters." those who willingly engage in such acts find justification for. And that is the problem like I said before, the act itself is a selfish one on both sides. If it affairs were justified, then there would be no negative side effect to it. Those who willingly engage in these acts don't take stock in what the words mean in the vows.
Now don't get me wrong, I can understand that there are a lot of reasons why people fall out of love or why they should leave a marriage...But, that is what divorce is for if your not strong enough to work on the marriage. So, you hold yourself until that time is done and THEN go ahead and start other relationships.
Another thing those who engage in these acts could careless about the effects it has on others. Do those engage in affairs REALLY THINK IT IS JUST THEM TOO? If so, why do they skulk around in the shadows? Why do spouses try to hide and lie about their activities? If there was something positive about it...Wouldn't that spouse be happy about them finding there happiness? If it was such a positive things, would families be so torn as the are more often than not?
No, we are not being negative, we are bring light to the truth that those who engage in adultery think so little of or push in to the dark. And thing that their happiness is all that matters and not really taking stock into the harm they are truly doing.
GEL posted one, and there have been some others too - though of course there are lots of people who still take pot-shots at those of us who are happy, for whom it has worked out, because they still don't like the fact that it worked out well for us when it started (in their eyes) so very badly.
I don't know if you count me as one of those "pot shooters" or not, but this statement hit a nerve with me for some reason.
Sure, it worked out great...FOR YOU.
Not so great for all the other people involved in the situation tho. Undoubtedly, his wife wouldn't agree. In YOUR SPECIFIC case, it sounds like the kids may be happier, and may well be better for the majority of people overall (besides his betrayed wife, of course).
But honestly, after being on various forums and seeing this stuff for a long time, I'd say that the majority of the time, the only people who feel it "worked out well" were the cheaters...the rest of the broken family normally doesn't tend to agree.
The reason that you see all these "pot shots" from people like me is because I'm seeing this from the OVERALL perspective. I don't have an issue with people being happy...but I'm also seeing the costs paid by other people for that happiness.
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