It has been 8 mths! Since the ex and I have been separated from our marital home. 12 mths since she announced she had enough and we started to sleep in separate beds.
So here I am in my house and she in her house with our 17 mth old daughter. 10 minutes away.
I have access rights to my D so see the ex between 1-2 times a week.
Today I had my D from 10.30am until 6.30pm.
I have read the books. The forums. So I have tried to be upbeat. I have always for the last several mths collected my D clean shavened and in smart but casual dress. Now the summer is here I will be wearing the muscle shirt come tight sleeveless shirts lol pumping on the old dumbells
Anyway, looking attractive etc etc
The ex was in a foul mood today. She really went for the juggular!
I picked up my D and kissed her. She had held her arms out for me and excited to see me. The ex gets funny about this...
You see..I have found out that the ex is 'checking' me out. She sees the complete opposite of what she expects. Upbeat, helpful and just plain nice. Not rising to her put downs etc. Walking away when she starts on at me. Today, she wished she hadn't married me, I did this I did that, she loathes me, I don't want to see you as little as possible blah blah.
She brought up stuff I couldn't even remember.
Apparently the reason for this onslaught is that she is tired, stressed and feeling damn low. Yes, our little 'un is playing up. Whingeing and waking up in the middle of the night. This has taken its toll. Amongst the feeling of being a single parent, the position she is in because of me.
I hasten to add guys her feelings why she gave me this onslaught wasn't apparent until later in the day when I had returned my D.
Whilst I was picking up my D I kept calm and listened. But I had to leave because why should I stick around to hear what I know already and in front of our D. So I left and spent a nice day with my D who does whinge a lot but which is to be expected at this age now.
I returned my D not knowing about the home phone answer messages on the phone. My ex was cleaning the front outside windows. I put our D down to go to her mum. I stood in the lounge telling ex about the day and also that I had a better cleaner to clean your pvc doors and windows. That it would take out those marks etc. I was upbeat about it and she was interested. So nothing was said about the morning yet she must have thought I had already heard the home messages but I hadn't.
So I said I will bring it over on Thursday which is the next time I have my D for 10 hrs.
My D (love her) put out her arms and whined for me lol My ex gets the hump over this because whenever I drop her off she puts her arms back out for me rather than go to her mum. Of course this is not a competition but my ex REALLY said some horrible things that morning. It shows my D is getting to know me and wants to be with me
When I went to leave she shakes and whines with her arms out because I was leaving lol (my D that is)
So keep it brief. That is what I say.
When I got home there were 2 looooong messages which were half and hour after I left that morning but I ever took D home, I took her staight to my mums.
In a nutshell, they were sort of an appology for that morning. However, my ex is not so keen to make it a formal appology, although well worded.
She pretty much explained the reasons why she was like that. It was a sort of a retraction of the not so nice things she had said. But she wss tired, stressed and feeling low. But what surprised me is that she said that she has noticed I have been nice and it makes her angry. That why wasn't I like that when we were together!?
Whenever she sees me she sees the person of her pain. The cause of her pain. That I bring back memories everytime she sees me and she is not used to the NICE person.
I guess she is noticing this NICE person, the person she has always wanted to be with. She is feeling the low times now being a single parent. She is noticing things.
However, she says in the answer machine message that she is adamant that she did the right thing leaving me especially with what I did 2 mths ago..she is trying to validate the reasons she left me. And because I am not acting the way she expected and I am this nice person, the one she always wanted to be with she is fighting her feelings on maybe being drawn to the man she once loved. She probably wants me to act this jerk that she left. Then this will maintain her correct decision to have left.
I guess I am not helping her. By being this nice guy, great father to our D and remaining attractive by not letting myself go.
I have always wondered how long she could keep this independant life with the struggle of holding down a job and bringing up our D who is nearing the 'terrible 2's.'
I am in no means deluded here but for her to open up like this tells me I am doing the right things here. Not just to win my ex back but because of life is to short and to be a jerk for the sake of it. To be a better person no matter what happens and of course for my D.
Watch this space....
__________________
Me:41 STBXW:37 Together: 10/9/2004 Married: 6/2006 S in house:4/2007 W moved out:23/8/2007
S houses: me 10/07 her 11/07 Daughter: 16mths
"I love my wife and I want my family back"
Yes, I do figure she is finding it hard as a single mum. She is the type to not show her vulnerable side. She bottles up her emotions. Her release valve is this onslaught, pent up anger, bitterness and resentment due to stress, tiredness and feeling low.
I am not looking into it too much as she is just at a very low ebb. But at least I know what she is thinking and going through now. She must have bottled it up for so long.
My guess she has a lot going on in her mind and I am acting the way she always wanted me to act. It is tearing her apart I think seeing me this way.
Also since we separated a few things I did which in her eyes validated her reasons for leaving me. What does she expect? But I need to stay consistant in my 'normal, nice, genuine way.' I will give it at least 5 mths. Lets see where things are then
Yes, I do figure she is finding it hard as a single mum. She is the type to not show her vulnerable side. She bottles up her emotions. Her release valve is this onslaught, pent up anger, bitterness and resentment due to stress, tiredness and feeling low.
I am not looking into it too much as she is just at a very low ebb. But at least I know what she is thinking and going through now. She must have bottled it up for so long.
My guess she has a lot going on in her mind and I am acting the way she always wanted me to act. It is tearing her apart I think seeing me this way.
Also since we separated a few things I did which in her eyes validated her reasons for leaving me. What does she expect? But I need to stay consistant in my 'normal, nice, genuine way.' I will give it at least 5 mths. Lets see where things are then
I'm not certain how to covery this to you other than ~ CHILL THA' F*** OUT!
What was? Was!
Whar is? Is!
What will be will be!
Chill out! Settle down and wait!
Be patient!
The worse part of an ambush ~is the waiting! The anticipation!
Chill tha f*** out! Time is on your side! Sit on your bloody hands, and just chill out!
Time is on yourside! Give it time!
__________________
I may not be perfect! But, parts of me are pretty awesome, and I'm working on the rest!
It has been 8 mths! Since the ex and I have been separated from our marital home. 12 mths since she announced she had enough and we started to sleep in separate beds.
So here I am in my house and she in her house with our 17 mth old daughter. 10 minutes away.
I have access rights to my D so see the ex between 1-2 times a week.
Today I had my D from 10.30am until 6.30pm.
I have read the books. The forums. So I have tried to be upbeat. I have always for the last several mths collected my D clean shavened and in smart but casual dress. Now the summer is here I will be wearing the muscle shirt come tight sleeveless shirts lol pumping on the old dumbells
Anyway, looking attractive etc etc
The ex was in a foul mood today. She really went for the juggular!
I picked up my D and kissed her. She had held her arms out for me and excited to see me. The ex gets funny about this...
You see..I have found out that the ex is 'checking' me out. She sees the complete opposite of what she expects. Upbeat, helpful and just plain nice. Not rising to her put downs etc. Walking away when she starts on at me. Today, she wished she hadn't married me, I did this I did that, she loathes me, I don't want to see you as little as possible blah blah.
She brought up stuff I couldn't even remember.
Apparently the reason for this onslaught is that she is tired, stressed and feeling damn low. Yes, our little 'un is playing up. Whingeing and waking up in the middle of the night. This has taken its toll. Amongst the feeling of being a single parent, the position she is in because of me.
I hasten to add guys her feelings why she gave me this onslaught wasn't apparent until later in the day when I had returned my D.
Whilst I was picking up my D I kept calm and listened. But I had to leave because why should I stick around to hear what I know already and in front of our D. So I left and spent a nice day with my D who does whinge a lot but which is to be expected at this age now.
I returned my D not knowing about the home phone answer messages on the phone. My ex was cleaning the front outside windows. I put our D down to go to her mum. I stood in the lounge telling ex about the day and also that I had a better cleaner to clean your pvc doors and windows. That it would take out those marks etc. I was upbeat about it and she was interested. So nothing was said about the morning yet she must have thought I had already heard the home messages but I hadn't.
So I said I will bring it over on Thursday which is the next time I have my D for 10 hrs.
My D (love her) put out her arms and whined for me lol My ex gets the hump over this because whenever I drop her off she puts her arms back out for me rather than go to her mum. Of course this is not a competition but my ex REALLY said some horrible things that morning. It shows my D is getting to know me and wants to be with me
When I went to leave she shakes and whines with her arms out because I was leaving lol (my D that is)
So keep it brief. That is what I say.
When I got home there were 2 looooong messages which were half and hour after I left that morning but I ever took D home, I took her staight to my mums.
In a nutshell, they were sort of an appology for that morning. However, my ex is not so keen to make it a formal appology, although well worded.
She pretty much explained the reasons why she was like that. It was a sort of a retraction of the not so nice things she had said. But she wss tired, stressed and feeling low. But what surprised me is that she said that she has noticed I have been nice and it makes her angry. That why wasn't I like that when we were together!?
Whenever she sees me she sees the person of her pain. The cause of her pain. That I bring back memories everytime she sees me and she is not used to the NICE person.
I guess she is noticing this NICE person, the person she has always wanted to be with. She is feeling the low times now being a single parent. She is noticing things.
However, she says in the answer machine message that she is adamant that she did the right thing leaving me especially with what I did 2 mths ago..she is trying to validate the reasons she left me. And because I am not acting the way she expected and I am this nice person, the one she always wanted to be with she is fighting her feelings on maybe being drawn to the man she once loved. She probably wants me to act this jerk that she left. Then this will maintain her correct decision to have left.
I guess I am not helping her. By being this nice guy, great father to our D and remaining attractive by not letting myself go.
I have always wondered how long she could keep this independant life with the struggle of holding down a job and bringing up our D who is nearing the 'terrible 2's.'
I am in no means deluded here but for her to open up like this tells me I am doing the right things here. Not just to win my ex back but because of life is to short and to be a jerk for the sake of it. To be a better person no matter what happens and of course for my D.
Watch this space....
"But what surprised me is that she said that she has noticed I have been nice and it makes her angry. That why wasn't I like that when we were together!?" - Exactly. She is confused now. She sees the change and secretly likes it.
"She probably wants me to act this jerk that she left. Then this will maintain her correct decision to have left."
- Yeppers. By being positive and happy you are invalidating her feelings for you. She is fidning it hard to remain unhappy with you right now. Keep up the positive attitude. It will only help.
As for your daughter, it is jealousy your wife feels. Your wife wanted that attention and feels as though she never got it. Most new parents have the same issue. It is a juggling act.
She will come back to you emotionally if you keep up the positive attitude. Agree with her and it will make her happy. She is just conflicting right now and you are proving her intial feelings to be false. If you want a chance at getting her back, keep it up.
When she starts speaking with more positive responses, I would ask her on a "date". Do not do this until you are sure she is happy again. Otherwise, it will backfire on you.
Last edited by husbndinthemaking; 6th May 2008 at 11:08 AM.
She asks why you weren't nice like that when you were together? lol, maybe because you had to deal with her putdowns, negativity, anger, etc. on a daily basis. That would drive anyone up the wall.
It's good that you can handle all that with an upbeat attitude. You have the ball in your court since you are the one who has changed for the better.
If you'd like for her to continue those calls and to actually be nice, I would thank her for the phone calls explaining her feelings. It's funny, but you want to reinforce her postive actions and ignore her negative actions (like you have been doing) by providing positive reactions, in effect disarming her anger.
She'll get the picture. Stay happy for yourself man and keep it up. I'm glad to hear how happy you are making your daughter. That's awesome.
I have replayed, replayed and replayed the answering machine messages. 2 of them. Like I said the one was having a go at me. Because I innocently said to her (as I was holding D at her front door having just picked her up to take out for the day) that she is becoming a bit of a character. The ex said she had things to do but then she lost it a little and wouldn't rant whilst door was open so asked me and shut the door. I was still holding D when she lost it as I have said above. She loathed me, disliked me, critized me about everything. Burst my bubble when she says D puts her arms out to all the men in her life (grandad and brother in law)as she does for me even when I put her down to run to mum and she runs back to me. She also said, you look smug when she runs back to you which I said wasn't true. I can't believe the things she says. I just kept calm.
I have replayed them in the bath, in bed and analyzed them over and over. The 2nd message was sort of an appology which she says makes her feel sick at the prospect..but she explained why she was the way she was, she says shes cheesed off and bitter of the way I had talked to her during our R and afterwards etc
"Because there are times I am feeling damn low because I didn't deserve the things you had done..I am taking it out on you and because when I look at you and you are trying to be nice to me and because I am so used to you being nasty, hurtful and weird towards me etc and when I see you now being 'normal' towards me it winds me up at the moment especially when I am feeling low because of the fact I am in this position and if you had been 'normal' and treated me decently like you did occasionally then I probably wouldn't be separated from you. The simple fact is that I am because of the things you did. But I am still adamant that I did the right thing after what you have done since (read that else where).
And if you can't see my point of view then..as I doubt you will..well it doesn't make any difference as I am explaining myself for no reason.
Just looking at you reminds me of the things you said to me and inevitably I am going to be nasty and bitter towards you. Even though you aren't nasty to me, at the moment.
I am feeling low and I will get over it..I always do. You have just caught me at a low ebb."
Maybe she is opening up to me. She is reaching a point of reality as a single parent. Seeing me being nice, normal etc... it has been 8 mths not living together and 12 mths when we actually S from the bedroom in marital home. So it has been a long time. Generally over the 8 mths I have been patient and backed off.
I have been applying the divorce busting dos and don'ts. I have slipped up a little during this time.
But the ex is having a bad time at the moment. I am a nice guy. I keep myself looking good and upbeat and a good father. She must see this. But she is stubborn, proud and normally when she says she is done, then she means it.
I just have to plod on..watch this space.
I tried to type all that she said but that's it in a nutshell.
Last edited by smileysmile; 6th May 2008 at 6:54 PM.
Maybe it is because she doesn't have anyone to vent to & when you come around then there you go, she can vent at you just like before
(In her message on answering machine) She says it wasn't intentional because she is upset, stressed, tired, fed up and trying to bring up our D. And if it means taking it out on me then so be it. (All her words).
It has been building up AFTER all this time. Remember her ex co-worker? Obviously not on the scene. Just somebody who gave her attention. I knew that anyway. Obviously no other guy on the scene. It is seeing me when I pick up my D and seeing me in an upbeat, attractive way which is getting to her. Which is winding her up seeing me being "normal."
Seeing me also brings back the memories of the hurt I caused. And I know I have fallen behind BIG time with the time I pretended I was somebody else and texted her to find out 'where she was' in her life.
That was 2 mths ago so I have been the 'nice' guy lately.
It must be hard bringing up a 17 mth old as well as working 3 days a week.
Like I said before she bottle things up. Sooner or later she will explode and she did by venting. She passes the odd sarcastic comment now again. She is of course still really bitter.
I thought though that she was doing fine. Ok, it is tough being a single parent but she has her mum as the babsitter, me, I do my share and friends. She only works 3 days a week. There are thousands of single mums in the same boat who are coping. She is also a very sexy attractive woman, no mistake about that and men will be queueing to take her out. Although what there intentions would be I don't know.
She is just on a 'low' I guess. I will just have to plod on and keep up with what I am doing.
I'm interested in how you feel towards her. Are you willing to work it out? That message sounds like a call for help. If you were willing, maybe you could talk with her and help her through her low ebb. That's entirely up to you, but she is the mother of your daughter. She sounds like someone with a temper, so I would be mentally prepared for an onslaught.
I'm interested in how you feel towards her. Are you willing to work it out? That message sounds like a call for help. If you were willing, maybe you could talk with her and help her through her low ebb.
I still love her. I fancy her. But even I will admit will there be too much resentment from both if a miracle did happen
I am more than willing than though. I do want my family back.
I am not to sure where all this came from though. Telling me she is feeling low hence the onslaught and what she said to me.
I remember texting her way back mid December saying "I miss my family..etc"
Her text response was "I know you feel low, you realize now as you did in your last relationship what you are missing and what you had. Which I doubt you can change the way you are. You don't mean to be this way. Trouble is you took me and ***** (daughter) down with you and I have to deal with the pain my way to make some kind of life for me and ***** and you telling me how you feel bad doesn't help cos it makes me angry that you didn't stop yourself before. I am sorry you are hurting but by telling me you make it my problem and after all the pain you gave me, please don't give me anymore cos it just keeps me feeling down."
AND.. " I know you are hurting but so am I for different reasons and there is no going back, so all these texts do is keep me feeling sh*tty and angry with you so you have to stop texting me just cos you are feeling low. Its not fair to me is it? Again, you are keeping me up and down by the way you are feeling at the time. Do you not see that?"
Hmmm, this was December 12th 2007. I haven't done anything like this since. This sort of text that is. Funny how I get several minutes of how she is feeling low. Hence the onslaught.
Yes she has a temper. Only when she is angry though. She is pretty laidback. But she is so bitter now that is why she is like the way she is.
I can only be patient, kind and soft with my words. She has to see these changes to make her mind up. The ball is in her court. Like I said. If I don't see any sign(s) at the end of 5 mths (the whole of summer) then although I will remain nice I will have to serious think of MOVING on fully.
Last edited by smileysmile; 8th May 2008 at 12:27 PM.
I still love her. I fancy her. But even I will admit will there be too much resentment from both if a miracle did happen
I am more than willing than though. I do want my family back.
I am not to sure where all this came from though. Telling me she is feeling low hence the onslaught and what she said to me.
I remember texting her way back mid December saying "I miss my family..etc"
Her text response was "I know you feel low, you realize now as you did in your last relationship what you are missing and what you had. Which I doubt you can change the way you are. You don't mean to be this way. Trouble is you took me and ***** (daughter) down with you and I have to deal with the pain my way to make some kind of life for me and ***** and you telling me how you feel bad doesn't help cos it makes me angry that you didn't stop yourself before. I am sorry you are hurting but by telling me you make it my problem and after all the pain you gave me, please don't give me anymore cos it just keeps me feeling down."
AND.. " I know you are hurting but so am I for different reasons and there is no going back, so all these texts do is keep me feeling sh*tty and angry with you so you have to stop texting me just cos you are feeling low. Its not fair to me is it? Again, you are keeping me up and down by the way you are feeling at the time. Do you not see that?"
Hmmm, this was December 12th 2007. I haven't done anything like this since. This sort of text that is. Funny how I get several minutes of how she is feeling low. Hence the onslaught.
Yes she has a temper. Only when she is angry though. She is pretty laidback. But she is so bitter now that is why she is like the way she is.
I can only be patient, kind and soft with my words. She has to see these changes to make her mind up. The ball is in her court. Like I said. If I don't see any sign(s) at the end of 5 mths (the whole of summer) then although I will remain nice I will have to serious think of MOVING on fully.
If you support her, she will respect you more. Go against her feelings, she will loath you. Simple as that.
Be upbeat and positive with her everytime she calls you. Agree with her and do not fight her. This will also show her you have changed.
When the time is right and she is feeling more comfortable speaking with you, she will start to come around.
Are you "dating"? If not, I would give her the impression that you are happily going out and having a great time with your new freedom. It shows her you are back to the guy she first met. Outgoing and enthusiastic. BE the man she married!!!
How do I know you were this way when you met her?
Easy... No woman would intentially be with a needy, miserable guy on purpose.
If she calls you and is stressed out, I would say things like, "Wow. I am sorry to here that." or "It must be hard for you right now. I wish there was some way I could help you." Show her you care about her feelings.
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