fiance doesn't seem interested in sex or being affectionate with me
Hi,
Could someone please help me with this issue I have been having for quite some time now. I am going to be married in June and there is still so much that needs to be done for the wedding. My fiance is not helping to pay for the wedding nor is he giving me much input into much of anything for the wedding. He refuses to and gets mad at me when I try to ask him nicely about his opinion of this and that. I have not asked him for a penny for this wedding and since it will be small it isn't going to be very expensive but it makes me sad that he isn't participating in this as this is OUR wedding.
The issue I have is this. He has never been a very affectionate person over the 9 years that we have been together but we do hold hands and we are quite intimate before I moved in with him a year ago. It was after I moved in that he stopped wanting to have sex with me. We sleep in the same bed but he never tries to initiate anything. I feel so sad and don't understand why. I know he never wanted this wedding at all because he wanted for us to get married at city hall and that was it and now that the wedding is really happening he seems upset. I have asked him a number of times if he really wants to marry me and he said yes but his actions say other wise.
Why is he avoiding sex with me. It's normal to have sex with your fiance and it's normal to have these feelings. When I do bring up this subject, he reacts angrily. When he does have sex the one time, instead of staying in bed with me afterwards(it was 1 am in the morning) he went out to the living room to watch tv and when I followed him there, he said he wanted to be alone!!!!
Honestly, I am an attractive person so I really don't understand. This is giving me so much stress and I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. WHy could someone just turn off their sex drive like that!!!!??
Why??? Sexual intimacy is important even if it only once a month. It's just not normal for him to not feel this way or is it?
Please help. I dont' sleep well anymore just thinking what this could be.
Sorry but I forgot to also include this in the post. Whenever he watched TV and there is a man and a woman making love or doing such, he would immediately turn the channel away like it was a sin to watch. I think it's because he doesn't want to watch these things in front of me because if he did, he would be sending some the wrong 'signal' to me.
And since he doesn't want to be intimate with me at all... he doesn't want to be watching these things on TV...
I don't know.. is he seeing some one else behind my back. Is he getting emotionally involved with someone else that he cannot feel close to me anymore??
pplease help as I don't think I want to go ahead with this wedding anymore. I can't deal with this relationship anymore. It's too difficult. It's too stressful and I dont' want to get sick from it.
I suggest pre-marital counseling. I'm hearing a lack of effective communication.
I can't speak for your fiance, but, regarding viewing overt acts of affection, in the past, I would often avert my eyes, not understanding why; now I know that the stimulation from such acts overloads my hypersensitive nervous system (a lifelong issue I will deal with) and I've had to learn tools to deal with that so as to appear more "normal".
Overall, regarding your fiance's apparent emotional distance, I would say he's a path of least resistance guy and maybe is/has been having second thoughts but is loathe to make any changes or express his feelings. If PMC isn't fruitful, I would seriously consider breaking the engagement.
Okay you said you tried talking to him about it? What exactly did you say? You have to voice your concerns to him, but not in an accusotory manner. More out of concern about the whole thing. Act as though you are doing this for your benefit as a couple.
As for your theory about why he doesn't want to have sex. Do YOU think he is seeing someone else? What other patterns of behavior are you seeing? Does he not come home, or come home real late? Do you guys go out and do things together? One explanation could be that now that you live together, he can get it whenever he wants. The thrill of the chase is gone, so that desire to have sex has decreased because you are always ready and willing. Maybe you could peak his interest a little more. Be seductive. Maybe surprise him when he comes home by having some sexy lingerie on. If you two are going to be married you need to sit down and discuss what the real problem is. You need to tell him that you are concerned for your relationship and your marriage and really want to solve this because you love him and want to be with him forever.
Well, I do try to ask him why he doesn't feel close to me anymore. I ask him why he doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore. The main reason why this isn't happening is because I don't initiate sex anymore.
Maybe living together is one reason but even when I first moved in with him, we didn't have sex. You would think in the beginning that we would be but we didn't. If we did, it was because I had to initiate it.
When I try to talk to him about it, I do get emotional and tear up and its only because it's just so hard for me to know that after all these years that I see before me how love can fade so fast. That is the saddest thing about being a such a long term relationship that even though we are going to get married that, ppl change and their hearts change and love isn't forever the way I believe it is.
He gets mad and doesn't want to discuss the issue with me. He says I am being whiny and he says he's just tired all the time and doesn't have the energy. I don't buy that because at nights he doesn't go to sleep... he watched TV until 1 0r 2 am in the morning. I always end up going to bed alone.
I don't know what else to say to this. Feeling so alone in this relationship. On several occasions, he has called me names. He has called me a 'slu&'
for no reason just because I didn't pay my rent in time. How could he call me that when we don't even have sex. He called me that name again lastnight because I didn't pay my rent for April yet and I tried to explain to him that I needed the money right now to pay for the wedding and April's rent will be late. He makes almost 100,000 a year and I make half of that so why is it so hard for him to give me a break. I don't know why ???
I don't think he wants to marry me, and I know it. I really feel like this is the end!! I really really do.
He's not mature enough to recognize and deal with his fear. He has fear. I sense it.
I'll reiterate my suggestion for PMC. His income should make it entirely possible. I don't make nearly that and had to liquidate some of my retirement to pay for our MC. If you want the R to work (I did want our M to work), you do what has to be done.
Pay your rent (your landlord with thank you) and tell fiance to man up and start acting like a man or the wedding is off
Wow, it honestly doesn't sound like either of you want to get married. You said you have been together for 9 years..how old are you guys? Why did you wait so long?
Also, you said your love is fading..if this is the case it's not going to improve with marriage. If anything marriage makes a relationship more difficult so you have to work extra hard to keep your relationship alive. I usually try not to tell people to break up on here, but in your case it doesn't sound like you are going to be able to make a marriage work. Calling you names is not right esp. something that degrading and hurtful. You deserve better than that.
Why exactly are you paying for this wedding alone? If he makes double what you do, why isn't he chipping in for this thing?
The reason he isn't helping me with paying for this wedding is because he said he doesn't want to have this wedding. He refuses to let his parents know the wedding date. he says it's my responsibility to tell them. I can't because I have enough to do. It's HIS family so why am I doing this.
We are both in our 30's. I met him when I was young and now that I am in my mid 30s he often makes fun of how old I am. He envies the younger women out there and he makes it very obvious.
Honestly I was traumatized when he called me a sl*&. I am anything but that. I am very conservative and when he calls me that, it just really hurt. It makes me NOT WANT SEX with him because I don't want him to see me acting like that while in bed. I think he says that so I WOULDN"T want to have sex and he wouldn't have to deal with me asking him why we don't.
You need to stop this relationship from going any further. ("Relationship? WHAT Relationship - ?!)
I get the distinct impression that as he doesn't want to get married, you really shouldn't. In fact, he is sending you so many signals as to why this is just one whole mad thing, i'm surprised you haven't had alarm bells ringing LONG before now!
In effect, you're two people living under oner roof and as I see it, you might just as well not be.
How and why you two are still 'together' is completely beyond me.
STOP all wedding palnbs, immediately.
Right now.
Don't apy out another cent for anyhting.
And get your money back on anything and everything you can - then -
get out, and get out fast.
And I mean, leave. Literally.
Go. Get out. Scram. And pretty pronto.
__________________
"Hatred never ceases through hatred, but hatred ceases by love alone. This is the essence of the ancient and eternal law."
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts; with our thoughts, we make the world."
Anyone want to make the passive-aggressive call on the fiance?
OP, I'm unclear. Do you two live together? If not, try this. Cease contact and do not respond to any. Consider it a delayed response to him verbally abusing you (if you need a reason). Put all issues regarding wedding on hold for one month (let's hope this isn't a June wedding...OMG, it is! ). After he eats a silence sandwich for one month, gauge his interest in PMC. Do not negotiate. PMC is where you will talk to him.
He needs to get smacked out of his zone. That's not going to happen with the status quo, IMO.
Perhaps my advice is harsh, but we're talking about your future here. Life matters
The way you guys are now is the best it is going to be, and it will simply go downhill from here.
I would strongly advise against marriage, unless you intend to put a large amount of time and money into premarital counseling to see if there is any basis for marriage at all.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
Anyone want to make the passive-aggressive call on the fiance?
....Cease contact and do not respond to any. Consider it a delayed response to him verbally abusing you ......Put all issues regarding wedding on hold for one month ..... After he eats a silence sandwich for one month, gauge his interest in PMC. Do not negotiate. PMC is where you will talk to him.
He needs to get smacked out of his zone. That's not going to happen with the status quo, IMO.
Perhaps my advice is harsh, but we're talking about your future here. Life matters....
carhill, this is absolutely spot-on advice - except that, after 9 years together, you'd think they would have all this sorted out by now.....
I raelly cannot see any reason why on earth this has been permitted to continue in this vein, for such a long time...
There is no basis here for anything unfortunately. The man is cruel and abusive, manipulative and cold. She should walk and not look back as hard as it is. Better suffer a year than a whole lifetime.
Cassandra, things will only get MUCH,MUCH WORSE after you marry him and have a family.
I am really sorry.
Marlena
__________________ I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it. Voltaire
Like the others I just don't understand why you're still with this guy let alone why you want to marry him. So let me ask you: Why do you want to marry him?
I understand how you're traumatized that he'd call you a slut. That is not something he would do to someone he truly loves. Also, he should be happy to be marrying you and looking forward to it, not acting this way. I don't mean to sound mean but it just doesn't sound like he loves you. At least he doesn't ACT like it. So I just wonder why it is that you love him.
My opinion is that you deserve much better than this guy. He doesn't treat you right. And he sure isn't going to treat you any better after you two get married. Please don't marry him Cassandra. Please be happy on your own and wait to find a guy who treats you like a princess and who is happy to make love to you, talk about anything on your mind, and marry you.
Cassandra do not marry him!!! It is only going to get worse. If he is taking you for granted now and calling you a slut what will he do later? Don't initiate anymore sex with this guy. I would make him literally beg before I gave him any more sex. Why does he envy single women? Why did you decide to have a wedding when he distinctly didn't want one?
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). After he eats a silence sandwich for one month, gauge his interest in PMC. Do not negotiate. PMC is where you will talk to him.
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