Physical attractiveness problem, 9 year relationship
Hi Guys, first post, glad I found this place.
So I have been living in sin (together but not married =) No I am not religious at all) with this girl who I think is a wonderful person, reasonably good looking and very intelligent. We've been together for 9 years (college friend, then sweetie). I am 33 and make 40K a year. We have no kids.
We met in college and she didn't find me attractive then, but I was persistent (due in part to cultural upbringing, hispanics are supposed to hear "No" 300 times and keep wooing the girl). I was overweight then, but she still went out with me, which was very gentlemanly and unshallow of her, seeing my other qualities like that. We also have a deep, deep intellectual and emotional connection, we like the same things, the same movies, the same video games, we love a good debate / argument etc.
In the last 2 years, concerned about my future health, I started working out pretty often (3+ times a week). I have lost about 30 lbs of fat and put on a lot of lean muscle (I am now down to 5'10", 238 lbs with my clothes on, 235 naked and soaking wet) I do not consider myself a great looking guy, but I'm not igor the mad-scientist assistant hunch-back, wildly deformed misanthrope either. I look like a biker/bouncer (long goatee, shaved head, broad accross the shoulders, big pecs), I have that look (good god, I should just post a ******* picture). All right, ****, I think I attract women who like physically large muscular guys and I do see them looking me over at times (sometimes though they just clutch their purses closer to their chests). When I am dressed you can barely tell I have a little spare tire around my midsection, this is just the way my body packs fat. I also have an enormous ass, because to lose those 40 lbs, I climb 84 flights of stairs every day down AND up, so I have the ass of a black woman. Ok, enough about me (esp. me talking about my physical appearance, I feel like such a narcissist), on to my issue.
She has just told me in the last 24 hours that she is not physically attracted to me, and that maybe she never was. I am physically attracted to her, and I always initiate sex (which is why I am so used to being turned down).Meanwhile, this is after I have become significantly more attractive to women. There are other girls that I find more attractive than her appearance-wise, but I weigh that against her intellectual and emotional worth to me and find that looks mean much less (or I would already have run off with one of said women).
My very strong physical attraction to her is in very large part due to my very deep intellectual and emotional connection with her. I need to get accross to her that I love her, I do this through sex (among other things).
I should mention my flaws: I am messy (like crazy messy, I have computer parts in 2 separate corners of the living room as I type this. I am not very emotional, which means I also not very romantic.
Anyway she dropped the bomb. I'm not sure what to do next. I'm not super emotional about it because I don't get that way unless someone is dying, after my mother surviving breast cancer twice and my brother being diagnosed with lupus in the last year I can't imagine being super sad in a situation where everyone is at least physically ok. Additionally I am just a pretty even-tempered guy, unless bullets are cracking by my head, I tend to just ride things out.
She is very broken up about it and I hate seeing her like that. I told her to do whatever her heart tells her, but I'm not sure if there's anything I can (or should) do with this situation. I told her that it will be tough to find an intelligent, muscular guy with a good sense of humor so she should just put up with my extra 20 lbs it's not that much to ask ...
I also suggested she go sleep with a firefighter or 2 and then come back to me =) I am an understanding guy and as long as she gives me the same swinging privilege, I am game to let her. I am very commited to her emotionally and intellectually I really think we are like 2 pieces in a puzzle and with time have grown together this way.
Help me! What should I be feeling?
I guess I fel a little bit betrayed, but nothing unforgivable.
I guess I feel a little bit unappreciated, because I can't be THAT bad looking. Other girls look me over ... =(
I'm not sure what else I can do...
But the thought of her being unhappy really scares me, I really want her to be happy and in love, even if it means sacrificing my own happiness to do it (I do love the girl). If the best thing for me to do is step aside then I guess I will =(
If it doesn't work out with this girl I may just move back in with my mother and brother and care for them instead of doing the whole woman-family thing.
Argh. Why does this happen to me...
Last edited by the_blur; 3rd May 2008 at 10:25 AM.
My very strong physical attraction to her is in very large part due to my very deep intellectual and emotional connection with her.
Unfortunately this is not the case with most women. If they feel nothing physically for you from the beginning it usually never develops ( like it does for men ).
She feels strong friendship love for you but doesn't feel that in-love feeling. Can you live with the fact that she doesn't desire you that way? I doubt it. You will blame yourself 1st for why she can't feel love for you and then you will blame her.
I'm sorry but I don't see much hope for your future with her. Women put a high priority on being in-love and the fact that she told you she doesn't feel that tells me your relationship is in trouble.
I'm sorry but I don't see much hope for your future with her. Women put a high priority on being in-love and the fact that she told you she doesn't feel that tells me your relationship is in trouble.
Your situation hit a chord with me because I was in a LTR with someone with your physique. Even though he definitely did all the chasing, and he wasn't my "ideal type", I grew to love his physical form just the way it was. I found it "cute", though not really "sexy". Still I wouldn't have traded him for anyone, because I had grown so attached to him. I think that's just how I am, very forgiving and sacrificing of everything for the sake of the relationship. Still, our sex life wasn't that great for me and I had to struggle to find him physically desirable, i.e genuinely initiate sex for my own desire of him.
Are you sure you're giving her everything she needs? Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically? You say you are receiving all that from her, but there's no mention of how she feels, other than that she's physically not attracted.
You're a rational thinker type (try the Myers Briggs test) I think. From the way she's taking the situation, she sounds more like a feeler. She just might not be compatible with you... Types aren't everything though. You two can work things out if you're mature and both meet halfway and try to understand how each other works, but in the end the emotional, mental, spiritual needs must be met. Physical, for me, is not necessary for a happy relationship, but it might be for her. Ultimately, she should know what she wants and whether it is possible to get that from you.
After 9 years, I can't imagine how tough it must be, but you both deserve to be truly happy.
I find it hard to believe she stayed with you for 9 years w/out much physical attraction. I don't get that. That's a LONG time! I mean, I was married for 10 years!
I wonder if there's something else going on. Maybe you guys need to spend some time apart. I mean, after 9 years, and all the compatibilities you guys seem to have, it seems a shame to toss in the towel after so much time. How about a trial separation?
My very strong physical attraction to her is in very large part due to my very deep intellectual and emotional connection with her. I need to get accross to her that I love her, I do this through sex (among other things).
I should mention my flaws: I am messy (like crazy messy, I have computer parts in 2 separate corners of the living room as I type this. I am not very emotional, which means I also not very romantic
Conundrum.
I will simplify. You are attracted to her. She currently says she is not attracted to you. There is a backstory we're not hearing.
Your self-image is at odds with her insecurities about your image to the world. She's coping inappropriately.
With communication of feelings (you haven't yet heard her feelings), resolution is possible. Solve the conundrum and assist her.
What's the point of a trial separation? Isn't that simply wrapping a safety blanket around failure?
Ultimately what I get from talking to her is that she wants a hot guy. I'm just not hot enough.
Do I have the right to tell her she won't find a relationship like ours? I mean **** I ain't in this because she looks like a sports illustrated swimsuit model...
Ultimately what I get from talking to her is that she wants a hot guy. I'm just not hot enough.
Do I just let her go?
She tries to push you away...She doesn't know what she wants, I think. Be ready for break up. Perhaps it's about another man, but it doesn't matter for you anymore.. Talk to her, don't ask many questions like "what's wrong" etc, just talk...You'll see..Does she love you? Is she cold emotionally? Take care...
She tries to push you away...She doesn't know what she wants, I think. Be ready for break up. Perhaps it's about another man, but it doesn't matter for you anymore.. Talk to her, don't ask many questions like "what's wrong" etc, just talk...You'll see..Does she love you? Is she cold emotionally? Take care...
That's the weird part, she is not cold emotionally (well, she is cooler now after she gave me the news). I dunno man. "I wanna **** hot guys" sounds like a terrible reason to break up a 9 year relationship I wanna **** hot chicks too, but you don't see me breaking my realtionship up to go do it. Anyway I'm ready.
I asked if there was someone else, but she said no. Only these people she talks to on IRC... That's where this whole problem started (I think).
That's the weird part, she is not cold emotionally (well, she is cooler now after she gave me the news). I dunno man. "I wanna **** hot guys" sounds like a terrible reason to break up a 9 year relationship I wanna **** hot chicks too, but you don't see me breaking my realtionship up to go do it. Anyway I'm ready.
I asked if there was someone else, but she said no. Only these people she talks to on IRC... That's where this whole problem started (I think).
Let her go if she want...You cannot stop her...Save your dignity, she will regret after few years, but who cares, you will find some other hottie by then, I'm sure. But be prepared for hard days and months, many months, take that as a challenge. Life is challenge
My last bf was emaciated. He was 6'2" and 125 lbs. He looked freakish. He was so bony it hurt to hug him. He was rapidly losing his hair. And I think he's the hottest guy I've ever seen in my life.
It's not about your body. It's about the chemistry being there or not. Sometimes it just isn't. It wasn't with my ex-husband. I kept trying to force myself to be attracted to him because I loved his brain so much, but it just didn't happen.
I honestly do think these things are chemical. My most recent ex is not a good-looking man, but I'm wildly hot for him.
You SAY you are not emotional, but you are on a website asking for advice from strangers. An UN emotional person would not be doing that.
You are just dealing with your emotions rationally and to be honest I THINK that is going to work in your favor. The worst thing to do is freak out, and beg her to stay. You are being cool, and I think that is such a GOOD trait and hard to find in just anyone.
I do not think she is NOT attracted to you...there must be some attraction for her to have stayed with you nine years. Attractions is not just physical..it is a combination of different things. You could meet someone who is HOT...but as dumb as a bag of hammers....THAT is something that would turn MOST people off.
Maybe with time and distance your ex will figure out how lucky she IS to have you...but you will need to have patience. In the meantime, work on yourself. FOR yourself...NOT for her...or to "get her back". If that happens
because it was meant to happen, then great but it must be a natural occurence.
You have to remember too..people change. In nine years a lot can change. Maybe she changed and you didn't. Look within yourself...and
figure out who you are and how YOU can change either to make this relationship better, or at the very least be ready for the next one that comes along.
I have decided to fight to keep her. I love this girl and I will be damned if I don't go down swinging. Life has dealt me hard blows before and I always rolled with the punches.
There must be an emotional need that I am not meeting for her. Maybe I give her too much space. Maybe I need to make her feel loved and wanted. This is the angle I'm gonna play, I messaged her just now at work.
Ok, tried, failed, noted, filed, dismissed. We're done.
Some people can't see a good man when they have him in their arms. Oh well, there's other fish in the sea. 9 years ...
If this doesn't work out, I'd suggest pursuing a Latin girl since you're from that culture and they tend to be a little less shallow and a little more supportive
Not always, but if you're from that culture then you know what I'm talking about
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