This is my first time posting. I”m new at this so forgive me if this runs on!
I have been married for 8yrs with no kids to a great women
I thought we had the greatest marriage ever. I was proud of how well we got along nd that we really neverf ought.
8yrs married together 15yrs. i thought everything was great then last summer out of the blue she turns to me and says
she's not sure if she wants to be married any more.Well that threw me for a loop.We talked about it that day and i was so confused by the end of the night we both went to sleep and said we talk more in the morning.
The next day she tells me that I mean so much to her that she doesn’t wasn’t to leave she just need to get that off her chest
and we will work this out. We talked more about and it all seemed good.
For me I thought she was just going through something.So i let it go after that for the next year almost everything was like normal
then a month ago she tells me again that she doesn’t want to be married anymore she feels like she doesn’t belong and that she need to go and do her own thing and get an apartment and experience life on her own and live under her own terms as She said ..well i freaked out cause i dont know what to do and told her if she needs time she has to go..she cant stay here and figure it out as much as i didn’t want her to leave i just couldn’t do it ..i love this women! my whole life is about her and us so for me my dream at that point was shattered..
Well she went to her mothers to stay. It only lasted 2 days then she call me to talk .So I went there to Talk to her and when i pulled up she was outside waiting for me with her bags
we talk and that night we went to eat and spoke
about what she wants and what i want we were going to work through this .everything is good from that point..
Fast forward to NOW...i take her on vacation for her birthday we had an awesome week. we get home to our 8yrs anniversary we went out that night had a great time the next morning i text her tell her i want a bigger house ..( Oh let me get into that
I want to sell our Town House and buy a bigger House and she dont want to move which i can live with but when we were on vacation it came up and she thought it was good for us to have a bigger house with a yard for the dog you know ) Back to the text I Text her and she doesn’t answer me. so i text her again and-she text me back you can have your house ..
so being a bit confused i said my house or our house i get a text back from her “ we have to talk ..your house” so now for our 3 time talking she tells me she wants a divorce..
i love her to death i would do anything for
her so i ask about counciling she said no . said she just need to do her own thing and that she feels like she doesn’t belong
so as of now i dont know what to do ..do i ask her to leave.. and get a lawyer. i cant take this roller coaster ride. we are living in our house for the past three days not talking i can’t do this ...
Please forgive Me if this doesn't make sence this is my first time every doing this ..writing online
Thanks for your help THIS FOURM IS GREAT IM GLAD I FOUND IT
My guess is that there may be someone else. The best thing to do is to keep your cool and let her go if she wants to. I know it is hard, but that is likely to be the outcome irrespective of what you do. You probably stand a better chance by not insisting that she changes her mind. Be kind and friendly. She is more likely to open up. Prepare for an even bigger Rollercoaster ride. It is important to go NC and stay NC. It will help you deal with the initial emotional stuff. If you do have to communicate, keep it light. Good luck.
Thanks for the reply nomad
so i should ask her to leave then..
It's a bit early in the game to part company, don't you think. She's obviously conflicted and that may have absolutely nothing to do with someone else in her life. It could just be situational -- she wants something new and different, she thinks, but she doesn't really know what.
I'm a firm believer in leaving no stone unturned to save a marriage unless there is abuse or infidelity. I think the two of you could benefit greatly from some marriage counseling, regardless of how it turns out. It might just break through the ambiguity and get you both headed down the same path.
__________________
"Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it."
Curmudgeon i think your right but i asked her about counseling and she not for it .
i dont know what to do .i feel betrayed i lived my life for her and us and now she want to just end it. if this is what she want i should just let her go i don't want her to stay cause she feels bad for me or any other reason other then she want to stay !!
I dont know what to do ..i love her but this is the 3rd time she done this and i cant live being unsure of our marriage..
Thanks for your reply
I dont know what to do ..i love her but this is the 3rd time she done this and i cant live being unsure of our marriage..
Well, you can't do it alone -- save a marriage that is. Even if she won't go for counseling, it might be to your advantage to do so anyway. Individual counseling might give you some new insights and coping skills.
I agree that you need to be able to step off the emotional merry-go-round. This back-and-forth can be devastating. If that's the way she's going to make it then calling it quits might ultimately be a relief, no matter how difficult.
Sounds like an OM, yes. She may be comparing you to him at this point.
Keep this in mind though, it may just be EMOTIONAL for her right now. She seems like she is testing you to see your reactions.
The OM will agree to her every whim and make her feel good about herself. What are you doing? By not agreeing with her, you are making him look better and better. Keep this in mind.
"i love her to death i would do anything for her" - Really? Good.
1) Do not tell her you "love her" or "need" her at this time. It is all about her right now.
2) Listen to her and agree with what she says. This will show her you are validating her feelings. She says, "I want a divorce.", you say, "You may be right about this." She says, "The moon is made out of cheese.", you say, "Wow! I never knew that. I wonder if I could add that to my ham sandwich?" Get the point?
3) DO NOT argue. You will push her away by doing that.
4) Everything is "cool" like Fonzie. Act happy. Act positive around her. No matter what she says.
5) Do not stay on the phone with her if there is alot of silence from her. Tell her you have to go for now and end the call.
6) How jealous is she? Time to find out. When she calls you to talk, tell her this at the end of the conversation, "Well.. I gotta go for now. I am heading out for dinner and need to get ready." Check her tone after you say this. She should reply with, "Oh really? With who?" I would respond with, "a friend. Well... gotta go!"
My wife and I are back together and HAPPIER than we ever were. It is amazing how things have changed by following these simple steps.
Last edited by husbndinthemaking; 3rd May 2008 at 12:11 PM.
Thank for your reply
ok sounds good but she is still in the house she didnt leave..
do i ask her to talk cause she just walks around like nothing we don't say a word about us if anything its all small talk to each other.. do i ask her to talk or just ignore whats going on im very confused
if there is OM then she needs to go
I would ask her to leave. Honestly, you situation frightens me. You must have nerves of steel to stay married to a woman who out of the blue wants divorce and then the next day doesn't. Sounds like she's trying to get you to be negative so she can validate a way out of the marriage. Just be cool like "FONZIE", lol. When she mentions divorce, I would say, "Hmm, you might be right. Maybe we need some time apart." Reinforce positive behavior by thanking her, stay positive about her negative comments and acknowledge her feelings.
Have you addressed the possibility that your wife has another love interest? The behavior you describe is consistant with her having someone else fulfilling her emotional.. and physical needs.
The Condo vs Bigger house thing has me perplexed. Has she told you why she doesen't want the bigger house.. why the house you have is Yours not ours?
Lake
As far as the OM I had asked, she told me there was no one else and all about her being confused and being on her own but ya know how that is
the house she just told me that she not sure if she want to be marriage so if i want the bigger house i can get it but not with her..pretty much
im still confused as if i should start the conversation about whats going on she comes home and talks to me about work and other stuff but never us..i cant take it im trying to be cool like fonzie but its seem as to her like nothing happened .im lost right now
thanks for all your help EVERYONE
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
