Hey all,
This is my first time here, and I'm glad I found this place.
That being said, if I posted in the wrong place, please be patient and let me know.
I'd like to share my story, and hopefully maybe one/some of you can tell me if I've done wrong.
Background - Old boss, came to work for my company, and in the process had to relocate. She came down, and lived with her bf at the time (who was a complete a-hole). Fast forward... She quit because the company screwed her, and moved back to where she was originally from, and broke up with her bf, because he was an a-hole.
Alrighty, so after about 6 mos has passed, I noticed that she was online, so we go to chatting. She said the whole experience messed her up, as everything about it was bad. So as months go by, we start talking more and more, and just started sharing our lives more and more... until we got really close and started developing feelings for each other. We knew it would be difficult as we are quite a distance away, but in the beginning we would talk about flying to see each other (but we didn't have the time). She also mentioned that she was hesitant to start a long distance relationship because she is still carrying baggage from the past ordeal, and that her life is still a wreck. I understood this, and of course I want her to straighten out her life and make sure she knew what she wanted. Things were going well for a while, and then for some reason things just changed. He conversations didn't seem as affectionate, or interested. We used to wish each other at least a "good night, sweet dreams", then reduced to ttys. She used to say, "I miss you", then no longer. It felt as she was pushing me away.
So one day I offered to go up and see her, at which she refused and used "logistics" as an excuse. I told her that I'll pay for my way, and I'll find a hotel to stay in. All I wanted to do is take her out, and show her a good time. She finally said that she still wasn't in the right mental and emotional state to have me come down and take her out. (personally, I don't see the problem, even if at best we could have just gone out as friends)
So talking for a couple more days, things really didn't feel like it was getting better. I had it in my head that maybe I'm just confusing her. Maybe the reason she can't get her issues straight it because she has feelings for me, and probably didn't want them to begin with. I don't know.
So I told her that I felt I was getting in the way of her getting better and that I should just leave her alone. She turned it around on me and said "... if you think that's what's best for you, then I understand." With that, she said she still loved me, who knows what the future brings... yada, yada, yada.
I haven't talked to her for a couple days now.
So I ask all of you who may or may not have dealt with similar situations... Did I do the right thing? Am I helping her out by not being in her life? Or did I just make it worse for her? Personally I just want her to be happy, even if I'm not a part of her life.
Im just wondering why she changed like that ? you two sound like you were getting on well then she just changed.
I think what you did was best. What else can you really do to help her? your talking to her online alot ect and then you offer to come see her and take her out . Those sorts of things should help her get better. If she doesnt want your help at the moment give her space maybe she will change her mind.
Do you have any idea why she changed suddenly ? i hate it when females do that. Its so frustratting!!!!!
Hey Olympic,
Yeah, your guess is as good as mine. The only disagreement we ever got into was about how I thought on my Birthday, an instant message seems to be a little impersonal than a phone call (yeah, we talked on the phone too). But hey, maybe it's just me.
I guess the only thing I can do is give her space. If she comes around, she comes around. I just hopes she finds her way to being that person that can commit to love again, because she really is a great person. Maybe I just wasn't the person to show her that.
hi maybe it is that she is not ready yet.. take some time for you and see if she comes back, if it was a messy breakup for her before she may well be scared of a new one.. only she knows
Yeah, now that I think about it, I think she was absolutely nuts. I replay in my head all the times all the times she would say stuff like "I wish you were here" or, "Let's go take a trip together", and one of my all time favorites (when she had food poisoning)-"It's these times when being lonely sucks", and all the times I offered myself fully to her... Ummm, yep, she's koo-koo. Guess I should have listened to all my workmates who actually interacted with her a lot more than I did, when they said she must be bi-polar. I just hope she gets better, and/or gets the help she needs.
I have had many online chats start hot and heavy and then fizzle out - especially when distance is a factor.
Usually- if I start to pull away from someone, it's because I have met someone new.
My guess is that she was pulling away, and you gave her a way out.
Logistics do come into play here- the distance would be an issue. I wouldn't continue something with someone if I knew I couldn't expect to spend a reasonable amount of time with them.
I wouldn't get too worked up about it- it's not you... it's probably the distance. If you both have demanding jobs and time schedules. She might have met someone a little closer... who can say for sure.
If she was pulling away and denied you a visit, I'd say it's time to move on and leave the ball in her court.
Hey D-Lish,
You are probably correct in everything you said. If she had met someone new, I would have only wanted the truth, and hopes she would have told me. However, like most people, she probably would have used the "I didn't want to hurt you." line. But like you said, "who knows." The ball is definitely in her court, and moving on is a priority right now. While I'd love to hold on to the fantasy of "maybe she'll come around, and realize.. blah blah blah", she really hasn't made any attempt to contact me, so it does make moving on a little easier each day. Besides, the money I would have used to visit, has no been properly spent on a Las Vegas trip for ME instead.... lol... life always turns out better than you think...
Hey D-Lish,
You are probably correct in everything you said. If she had met someone new, I would have only wanted the truth, and hopes she would have told me. However, like most people, she probably would have used the "I didn't want to hurt you." line. But like you said, "who knows." The ball is definitely in her court, and moving on is a priority right now. While I'd love to hold on to the fantasy of "maybe she'll come around, and realize.. blah blah blah", she really hasn't made any attempt to contact me, so it does make moving on a little easier each day. Besides, the money I would have used to visit, has no been properly spent on a Las Vegas trip for ME instead.... lol... life always turns out better than you think...
That's a good attitude you have. Using the money to do something fun for yourself is just what the Doctor ordered.
I've had lots of chats with people on MSN that I met online- and sometimes they start off strong and just fizzle out. I know you knew her previously- so it's a bit different for you.
I assume the distance is the major obstacle... and you just can't do anything about that. If you guys hooked up and fell for one another- how long could it realistically last? One of you would have to move eventually- and it would be a long process getting to that point. I am sure if you lived closer, your relationship would have gone in a different direction.
She may not have met someone else... she may just have realized that it would be hard to sustain a relationship. I do that now- I make decisions about dating that are more practical, rather then emotional.
SO, go to vegas - then gamble and shag her out of your system.... lol.
Yep, you are absolutely correct. I used to stress a little out about the "what ifs..." What if we did fall for each other? What then. Not so much now... I'm getting to that point where I'm choosing practical over emotional, and while passionately I don't feel the same with the women in my neck of the woods, I do have more peace of mind. Besides, if I find the right one, then I can have both practical and emotional.
Yep, you are absolutely correct. I used to stress a little out about the "what ifs..." What if we did fall for each other? What then. Not so much now... I'm getting to that point where I'm choosing practical over emotional, and while passionately I don't feel the same with the women in my neck of the woods, I do have more peace of mind. Besides, if I find the right one, then I can have both practical and emotional.
You're very right about that sweety... something you also have to remember is that ...you just haven't met the right woman in your neck of the woods! She's there, hiding behind a tree. Odds are that what you want, and what's within proximity is closer then you think.
You look after yourself and your needs okay? Make yourself #1 priority... it should always be this way.
Thanks D-Lite. I've never been one to make myself my #1 priority. I've always been thinking of others. The only fate I can control is mine, and while it may take time to acclimate, looking out for numero uno, is my top priority.
Thanks D-Lite. I've never been one to make myself my #1 priority. I've always been thinking of others. The only fate I can control is mine, and while it may take time to acclimate, looking out for numero uno, is my top priority.
Well, perhaps it is time to do that for yourself! Sounds like it has been a long time coming.
I too put other's needs ahead of mine... I'd say it's as much a strength as it is a weakness. I guess we both need to learn how to balance our own needs with nurturing others.
I am from Ontario, and I dated a guy from Edmonton Alberta for 4 months... it was a killer to be so far away from one another. I wish I had have been strong enough to know that such a relationship couldn't work before I entered into it. It would have saved me a lot of heartache.
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