In Search Of...Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.
Recently I've started dating this semi-quiet girl. I've only started to know her but the reasoning for it is that it seems her quiet nature is from the fact that she often stays at home and/or have little interests/hobbies. I went out with her about a year ago and she was extremely quiet and I did about 90% of the talking, although I would try to get her to talk more it was hard because she had nothing to say.
Though recently she's called me up and we're going out again, but that year made a big difference because her social skills have improved and she grew a bit as a person also. She doesn't necessarily seem shy, but she also seems like the type of person who's a bit passive about stuff (not really bitchy or demanding)..I guess which is good for now because she lets me decide on what to do or when to meet. I suppose you could classify her as a boring girl. Though also from what I know she's never had a bf before, so she's inexperienced.
I guess the main obstacle here is that because of her quiet nature, she's a hard to read person sometimes. Our last date went great and she opened a lot to me. We have some quiet times on occassion where I can't think of stuff to ask or talk about...but she doesn't seem to mind at all because it's her nature. I just wish she could show me ways that she likes me, maybe by initiating a kiss or grabbing me by the arm like I do with her. I wonder if she has a hard time trusting people...a year ago I somehow made her feel rejected which is why we didn't talk for a year..but I'm slowly learning more on how to deal with these types, maybe she's more sensitive to rejection than the average girl?
People who are extremely shy (such as myself) are usually EXTREMELY self conscious... I have read a lot of books on shyness and social anxiety and it they all say the same thing, that people who are usually shy or have social anxiety are that way because they highly care about what others think and are so afraid of how they are being perceived that they cannot be themselves, they are afraid of being judged/saying the wrong things...
It can be extreme to the point where someone can't even eat in front of the opposite sex. It feels like your every move is being scrutinized and that you are afraid of doing the wrong thing...
The following below is just some points that I'm summarizing from a book I have called "Overcoming Shyness and Social Phobia" which might help you understand why she is so afraid to make a move... she is probably TERRIFIED of being rejected or doing/saying the wrong thing.
From the book I have:
Shy people are EXTREMELY sensitive and emotional, much more than the average person. Shy people always try to make sure that they are doing and saying the "right thing".
Shy people ASSUME that other people will think badly of them
Shy people pay a lot of attention to possible signs from others that they are doing badly. for example, she might scan your face to look for frowns or yawns etc They are very good at noticing at what they are doing badly but never see what they are doing well.
All of this is SO true... I'm shy and all these things apply to me.
This is probably why she cannot make a move. Even if I KNOW a guy likes me, if its obvious because he asks me out and he buys me gifts I am STILL paranoid and could NEVER make a first move or touch him or be my "real self", I would not even be able to eat in front of him.
To be honest I would even not go on a date with him even if he was into me and I was REALLY INTO HIM and obsessing and lusting over him 24/7 because that is how shy I am, I would not be able to function in his presence. He might take it as rejection but the real reason is because I am shy.
Going on a date with someone I'm interested in would probably give me a panic attack literally.
Some people don't grow out of it, I'm almost 30 and I still cannot eat in front of a guy I like etc
Shy people cannot show others that they are interested in you or make a move on you, it goes against their INNATE NATURE. Their nature is to suppress their true selves because they do not feel comfortable being themselves.
I totally agree with you. I was shy when I was younger and the more I liked a guy the less I could be around them or be myself. I constantly thought they really didn't like me because my self-esteem was so low. I think the best thing you can do to open her up is to compliment her and kiss her a lot. My H did this to me and it brought me out of my shyness in no time. Try it! Also hold her hand a lot that will make her feel secure.
I have to reply to this, While I see some of the points that are trough up here are valid I dont see them being the only reason behind a shy persons actions. I for instance still cant make a move on a woman without psyching myself(which can take a long time unfortunately). I think overall experience in the field determines alot of the outcome for something like this. By no means am I stating that those other explanations as wrong, but to me it seems theres simply more to it than a small handful of explanations.
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Since it's hard for me to read her I can't tell if she's really shy or just a quiet natured girl. But times I moved in for a kiss she didn't mind at all, and she seemed to like it. But I also know that she's inexperienced so it answers for a lot also. I guess with her I have to make a completely different approach than when I usually do with other women.
cutegirl, I used to be a horribly shy guy when I was younger so I'm able to relate somewhat to you. But throughout college I just grew out of my shell. Though I admit though there were times when i really like a girl, I get nervous, and my heart beats faster the more I think about making a move...but those seem to be more related to the initial stages of asking someone out and risking rejection.
But you're right guys, I have to encourage and compliment her more. Which I did last time. I think for these types I just have to often show more enthusiasm, encouragement, and interest in them than a normal person would...and I suppose more sensitive to their needs/emotions.
People who are extremely shy (such as myself) are usually EXTREMELY self conscious... I have read a lot of books on shyness and social anxiety and it they all say the same thing, that people who are usually shy or have social anxiety are that way because they highly care about what others think and are so afraid of how they are being perceived that they cannot be themselves, they are afraid of being judged/saying the wrong things...
It can be extreme to the point where someone can't even eat in front of the opposite sex. It feels like your every move is being scrutinized and that you are afraid of doing the wrong thing...
The following below is just some points that I'm summarizing from a book I have called "Overcoming Shyness and Social Phobia" which might help you understand why she is so afraid to make a move... she is probably TERRIFIED of being rejected or doing/saying the wrong thing.
From the book I have:
Shy people are EXTREMELY sensitive and emotional, much more than the average person. Shy people always try to make sure that they are doing and saying the "right thing".
Shy people ASSUME that other people will think badly of them
Shy people pay a lot of attention to possible signs from others that they are doing badly. for example, she might scan your face to look for frowns or yawns etc They are very good at noticing at what they are doing badly but never see what they are doing well.
All of this is SO true... I'm shy and all these things apply to me.
This is probably why she cannot make a move. Even if I KNOW a guy likes me, if its obvious because he asks me out and he buys me gifts I am STILL paranoid and could NEVER make a first move or touch him or be my "real self", I would not even be able to eat in front of him.
To be honest I would even not go on a date with him even if he was into me and I was REALLY INTO HIM and obsessing and lusting over him 24/7 because that is how shy I am, I would not be able to function in his presence. He might take it as rejection but the real reason is because I am shy.
Going on a date with someone I'm interested in would probably give me a panic attack literally.
Some people don't grow out of it, I'm almost 30 and I still cannot eat in front of a guy I like etc
Shy people cannot show others that they are interested in you or make a move on you, it goes against their INNATE NATURE. Their nature is to suppress their true selves because they do not feel comfortable being themselves.
I strongly disagree. While some of the behaviors apply to me, ie refusing to date someone not matter how much I like them, for the most part I think you are wrong.
I, however am not self conscious at (half the time I don't even notice when I wear the same shirt for the second day in the row). I am also not emotional for ****. I rarely show or feel any emotion whatsoever. The only thing that can reliably bring out any emotion whatsoever is humor...
I strongly disagree. While some of the behaviors apply to me, ie refusing to date someone not matter how much I like them, for the most part I think you are wrong.
I, however am not self conscious at (half the time I don't even notice when I wear the same shirt for the second day in the row). I am also not emotional for ****. I rarely show or feel any emotion whatsoever. The only thing that can reliably bring out any emotion whatsoever is humor...
Learn your MBTI
I meant self conscious about what other people are thinking about you, such as thinking if they like you or hate you or if you are being accepted.
It has nothing to do with showing emotion, I meant emotional in terms of getting upset inside if you think people don't like you or if you think people think you aren't cool enough or getting hurt easily if you get rejected. It has nothing to do with SHOWING those emotions but feeling them inside and next time thinking : "**** it, no one likes me so im not gonna talk to anyone!" etc
People who are extremely shy (such as myself) are usually EXTREMELY self conscious... I have read a lot of books on shyness and social anxiety and it they all say the same thing, that people who are usually shy or have social anxiety are that way because they highly care about what others think and are so afraid of how they are being perceived that they cannot be themselves, they are afraid of being judged/saying the wrong things...
It can be extreme to the point where someone can't even eat in front of the opposite sex. It feels like your every move is being scrutinized and that you are afraid of doing the wrong thing...
The following below is just some points that I'm summarizing from a book I have called "Overcoming Shyness and Social Phobia" which might help you understand why she is so afraid to make a move... she is probably TERRIFIED of being rejected or doing/saying the wrong thing.
From the book I have:
Shy people are EXTREMELY sensitive and emotional, much more than the average person. Shy people always try to make sure that they are doing and saying the "right thing".
Shy people ASSUME that other people will think badly of them
Shy people pay a lot of attention to possible signs from others that they are doing badly. for example, she might scan your face to look for frowns or yawns etc They are very good at noticing at what they are doing badly but never see what they are doing well.
All of this is SO true... I'm shy and all these things apply to me.
This is probably why she cannot make a move. Even if I KNOW a guy likes me, if its obvious because he asks me out and he buys me gifts I am STILL paranoid and could NEVER make a first move or touch him or be my "real self", I would not even be able to eat in front of him.
To be honest I would even not go on a date with him even if he was into me and I was REALLY INTO HIM and obsessing and lusting over him 24/7 because that is how shy I am, I would not be able to function in his presence. He might take it as rejection but the real reason is because I am shy.
Going on a date with someone I'm interested in would probably give me a panic attack literally.
Some people don't grow out of it, I'm almost 30 and I still cannot eat in front of a guy I like etc
Shy people cannot show others that they are interested in you or make a move on you, it goes against their INNATE NATURE. Their nature is to suppress their true selves because they do not feel comfortable being themselves.
Some of that stuff isn't correct about me. Trust me, I was so shy I didn't even speak for a while when I was young. My mother told me I didn't even cry. She thought something was wrong with me, so she took me to the doctor. Of course, they found out that I can cry. I was so shy I would turn my head if I noticed a guy looking at me. I'm no longer as shy as I use to be, thank God, but I still have some shyness in me. Either this girl is quite shy or she doesn't really like you as you think. If she's like the way I am now--not too much shy, then she wouldn't be afraid to touch you or even admit her feelings to you. I don't think I've ever grabbed a guy and kissed him. The guy was always the one to kiss first. Have you asked her if she's a shy person? When I was overly shy, I never wanted a guy I liked to get too close to me. I don't know wth I was thinking though.
Last edited by InquiringMind; 11th May 2008 at 6:17 AM.
I don't think that it's that she doesn't like you as much as you think (as suggested up there). It's very commonplace with inexperience for a girl to wait for a guy to make the moves, it prevents being rejected.
I teach student nurses about 'poker face'. We have alot of students of the 18-20 age group and socially, these students tend to be less experienced than their mature friends. I teach them a session where we look at body language and how they carry themselves. We role play it. I very often role play the part of a 'shy and inexperienced' junior nurse. The students are always amazed because the part I play is sullen, disinterested, quiet and basically 'hard work' for both patients and mentors to get to know and to talk with. The students simply don't realise that they're NOT appearing to be 'shy and quiet' with others... and their inexperience won't allow them to reach out. Pretty much every student who does this communication session with me - comes back afterwards with a shining report from their mentor, in how they have changed.
So my point to you is, she may be quiet and shy - which can come off as quiet and even disinterested (as suggested) but it's really up to you to give her some mentoring and show her how to improve her social skills with you... you're doing exactly the right things by making compliments, taking the lead, holding hands etc. What you can also do is include her - so say you're making a decision to go out some place... instead of letting her defer to you, ask her 'what would YOU like to do' make her feel valued and important to you. I can pretty much guarantee that it won't take long for her to come out of herself with you
I asked her once if she's usually this quiet around her friends. She may have said she isn't, though she definitely said she was opinionated. But I think the case is she's coming off like this only around me.
Quote:
So my point to you is, she may be quiet and shy - which can come off as quiet and even disinterested (as suggested) but it's really up to you to give her some mentoring and show her how to improve her social skills with you... you're doing exactly the right things by making compliments, taking the lead, holding hands etc. What you can also do is include her - so say you're making a decision to go out some place... instead of letting her defer to you, ask her 'what would YOU like to do' make her feel valued and important to you. I can pretty much guarantee that it won't take long for her to come out of herself with you
Thanks that's really helpful, I'll keep that in mind from now on.
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Quiet & inexperienced girls...?
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