wife wants trial sep, did couple's therapy at christmas and things where much better. wife has been stressed at job (higher income) and said this was the problem. Had resentments that i have lower income. After therapy, she said she had no resentments and it was a gift that things turned around.
Prior to therapy, one month earlier, without notice she said she wasn't in love, not the same feelings and she wanted out.
Therapy did turn things around. Now today, it is back to not the same feelings etc. She has all the signs of menopause and did say it could be the reason for the ups and downs. The next day, she will say don't tell me what is wrong with me.
Now she bring up trial sep. I have read that in most cases it doesn't work. I have doing all the things therapy taught us, more communication, discussing any percieved negative comments and all I get now is back off and I don't want to talk about us. She did say we should work on us but not now, too much things going on with her job.
wife wants trial sep, did couple's therapy at christmas and things where much better. wife has been stressed at job (higher income) and said this was the problem. Had resentments that i have lower income. After therapy, she said she had no resentments and it was a gift that things turned around.
Prior to therapy, one month earlier, without notice she said she wasn't in love, not the same feelings and she wanted out.
Therapy did turn things around. Now today, it is back to not the same feelings etc. She has all the signs of menopause and did say it could be the reason for the ups and downs. The next day, she will say don't tell me what is wrong with me.
Now she bring up trial sep. I have read that in most cases it doesn't work. I have doing all the things therapy taught us, more communication, discussing any percieved negative comments and all I get now is back off and I don't want to talk about us. She did say we should work on us but not now, too much things going on with her job.
Ahhh.. all great excuses. Did she say, "I am in love with you, but not IN LOVE with you." yet?
These are all excuses that she is relayign and is NOT the real problem. She will share the real problem with you when she is emotionally ready to do so.
Now... She wants a seperation? I would say this, "Hmmm... I am starting to think that you are right. Maybe we should seperate for bit. It may do us some good." and see what she says.
Does she come back with, "Seperate? Why do you want to seperate?" - This is her way of trying to get you to be negative towards her. She wants for you to feed her negatively. This helps her validate her negative opinions of you at the moment.
Or, "Thanks for understanding. I really appreciate it." - This is a RARE response. This means that she does still loves you, but is confused at the moment.
I would trying and agree with her on her feelings right now. Seems like she is going through a difficult time right now and needs support.
DO NOT try and fix things for her!!! She just wants you to listen and agree with her for now. Watch her come around emotionally after doing this for a few weeks.
Ahhh.. all great excuses. Did she say, "I am in love with you, but not IN LOVE with you." yet?
Yes, along with I care for you but I don't have the same feelings.
I did say recently that I was quite frustrated and maybe we should consider ending it. The next day, she said I want to continue.
I have asked her for the real problem and all I get is "I don't have the same feelings for you"
You said you were "Frustrated" eh? Bad move. You should have said something, "I respect your feelings and feel as though you may be right." By saying you are "frustrated", it is sending her a message that you ONLY CARE ABOUT YOURSELF!!! NEVER include your feeling in a response to her if you want her back emotionally!
You need to be able to let her go. Yes. It is hard to do, but NECSESSARY if you want her back. Weird huh? It works though.
Get the book, "Stop Your Divorce" and read it. It will explain more of what I am saying.
Last edited by husbndinthemaking; 1st May 2008 at 2:01 PM.
great advise. I need to sit this one out. It looks like the ball is in her court. So I need to be able to let her go. Does this include emotionally?
You need to "think" with her, not use your "feelings" right now.
Before you respond to anything she says, check yourself. Ask youself if what you are about to say will possibly upset her.
Examples:
She says, "I hate you right now! You never listen to me!"
Respond, "I think you are right. I have not been listening to you and I understand why you would hate me right now. I am sorry."
She says, "I think I look fat."
Respond, "Hmmm... you may be right. I am not 100% sure though."
She says, "I am leaving you for good!"
Respond, "Wow. I wish you would not go, but can see why you would leave. It seems as though you are not happy right now."
It is all about de-fusing the situation, not adding fuel to the fire. By saying things like, "seems like" or "maybe" it shows that you are thinking about what she said and NOT offering a solution.
She needs this right now. When things get better, just be sure you remain aware of her feelings and try not to crush them. This is all she wants from you.
Another thing I do with my wife now is when I listen to her, I stare directly into her eyes. It shows she has my COMPLETE attention.
Last edited by husbndinthemaking; 1st May 2008 at 2:42 PM.
I’ve often heard the wife who is divorcing say, “I’m just not happy.” The implication is, “I’m 5 years old. Mother, come fix it. Bobby stepped on my toe again.” I mentioned yesterday that New Woman Magazine, November of 1991, said that they were changing their editorial policy, that they had been immediately for divorce because looking on that as a step towards independence and freedom, and being true to yourself.
But they interviewed many ex-wives 2 and 3 years after the divorce, and asked them if they were happy. And in every case, they said no. The interviewer said, “Why did you divorce?” “Well, I thought that would make me happy.” The interviewer would say, “Do you regret getting a divorce?” “Yes, I do. If I had to do it again, I wouldn’t.” They were so impressed
by these statistics that in this article they say,
“We have changed our editorial policy. Now, we are recommending to women to work hard on improving themselves and improving their communication skills a long time before you even think about divorce.” So I found that impressive.
I remember a friend telling me about his ex-wife getting a divorce and not explaining at all why she was divorcing. Then 2 or 3 years after the divorce, she remarried and stayed married for 1 year. And she’s been unhappy and lonely for many years, according to the children. We can give many examples of this.
Last edited by husbndinthemaking; 1st May 2008 at 2:55 PM.
should I try to apoligize or tell her that I think I was wrong by asking her on occasions how things are going with us?
What I have been doing is asking her to comment on what she means when she gives a negative comment or statement giving me the impression she doesn't care to talk.
Therapy strongly suggested that if one party wasn't comfortable with something, it is best to address it now rather than let it boil over time.
Ive been the roller coaster Perimenopause thing..left my husband..
I left a 26 yr relationship, and believe now, 4 yrs post separation, that a lot of it had to do with how i felt emotionally about ME! not the marriage. I did and said some stupid things ..never cheated or ran around..nothing like that, but i just felt i needed to get away, be on my own, to grown up!
I took me a good 2 years after we split up for me to get my feet back on the ground. Then, spending time with my EX, i fell back in love with him. But unfortunately, he is now in a serious relationship with someone from work, and they plan on moving in together this fall.
I dont know if i wanted to be saved from myself, or what i was feeling. But i felt hopeless. I had just been laid off my job just after things i felt started "feeling different", so i went into a "blue mood"..not full depression, but just blue feeling for longer periods of time. I remember taking my son to a dr appt just before my EX and i split, and having to leave the waiting room before the DR even saw him, because i just started to cry. I remember my son coming home and telling my EX, we need to get mommy some help dad, mommy was crying at the dr appt today.
I look back on those last couple of yrs we lived together, the shouting, the yelling, the distancing myself, from my EX, from my life as a family unit, and I dont even recognize that person anymore.
I didnt leave because I thought life was greener on the other side, i left because i felt i had lost me, lost who i was, lost my purpose in life. I didnt love me, so i couldnt love him. But i did love him, very much, but i felt he just couldnt understand me, because i didnt understand me!
I lost my family, the most important thing in my life, i lost, and I cant get it back. I cant regret leaving because i needed to get my life back on track. I lost me. I was 17 yrs old when i moved in with him. I am now 47 yrs old. I was very young. I had no previous experience in relationships to gain experience from. I was just going with the flow.
I really do believe that a couple of yrs after a divorce, some woman arent any happier...i really believe that. I dont have anyone special in my life now, nor have i ever during the past 4 yrs. But i am happier now, more grown up now, oh sure, i still have the emotionally crying thing for a day, then i am better. But i truly dont think my EX could have helped me, this was something i had to do on my own. And, if things are meant to be, and one day we realize that we never stopped loving each other, then maybe we can rediscover each other. But i am not banking on that. I have to go forward with my life. I have no regrets. I am definately not the same person i was when i left 4 yrs ago. And goods things that i have worked very hard for, and starting to come to light.
But if you feel your wife is going through something similar, my best advice to you is give her, her space. If it takes her moving out, then accept that. There is an old saying..if you love something, set it free... I truly believe my EX knew he had to let me go, and i did come back, but unfortunately, the timing wasnt good. Maybe never, who knows. But if you love her, and if she feels she needs to go, then let her. It really isnt her doing the talking, unfortunately, alot of these feelings are what some have said is a midlife crises, with LOTS of hormones to feed the blues.
good point. Maybe it is about her emotions not the marriage. It would be me leaving the nest, not her. She made this very clear.
Maybe you are right, she doesn't love herself. She has said she is misirable, it is not you it is me.
I feel i can help her but from I learned from my post, it is best to leave it alone. This is the tough part because I am very rational and have a very good thought process. I have tried a couple of time to discuss "us" and she gets very upset and says to back off.
Unfortunately, i came to a point where i didnt feel my EX loved me as much as I loved him. That i grew tried of trying to try. Love came to me to easily with him..i adored him. I still do. But unfortunately, a woman at some point in there life, has to think about them. We give so much as a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a worker, a friend..there isnt much left over for us. We always put others ahead of ourselves, but that can only go on for so long, before we start resenting everything we do for others, and spent all those years forgetting your a woman.
Im sure it isnt you. Its kinda like a pms woman, but it lasts for months, years, not a week! We dont want anyone around us, especially any man. Yet we want hugs and love and reassurance, but dont know how to ask for it. We feel weak, yet we know as a woman, we've always had to be strong for everyone else, but ourselves.
God or whomever, put us through this. Some woman have a harder time adjusting to this time in their life than others. We come to a point in our lives where we are now entering a time in our lives where we cant have children anymore..it scares us how life is passing us by, and we arent achieving the goals we wanted for ourselves.
She will come back to you one day, im sure. But right now, let her go and do what she needs to do to heal emotionally. If she does make her way back to you, i can guarantee it, she will be the beautiful, loving, exciting woman you fell in love with years ago. Once we come out of all this, i truly believe we are stronger, and we realize what really is important in our lives. But more importantly, we know what we dont want in our lives.
And if its you she wants, you will get one heck of a woman back, i promise you that.
It could be that time of life thing or, she wants a trial separation so she can have some trial sex with someone else thing! Well..... everyone was thinking it, I was the only one who said it.
__________________ -You don't know the Power of the Dark side! - I find your lack of faith disturbing! -The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force! - Darth Vader
It could be that time of life thing or, she wants a trial separation so she can have some trial sex with someone else thing! Well..... everyone was thinking it, I was the only one who said it.
lmao, DV way to make th dtt feel better!
guess:
Thanks for your input. It helps alot. Me and my DW sound similar to your situation. Helps me understand what's going on. I see the parallels. Good luck and best wishes.
should I try to apoligize or tell her that I think I was wrong by asking her on occasions how things are going with us? Will this do any good?
What I have been doing is asking her to comment on what she means when she gives a negative comment or statement giving me the impression she doesn't care or care to talk.
Therapy strongly suggested that if one party wasn't comfortable with something, it is best to address it now rather than let it boil over time.
In my case, it appears that this has been the wrong thing to do.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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