[taylor]

OK, had session 4 with MC yesterday. Felt like a nightmare.

Session 1 was with both H and I, mostly talking about our childhoods, education, interests, personalities, early marriage.

Session 2 and 3 was just between MC and I. Discussion centered around what I want out of my life, my needs, and all about the EA and the OM.

Yesterday, the MC focused on my H. It came across like bashing to me to the point where I felt compelled to come to his rescue!

MC: Don't expect any sex from her right now. You have to back off. I know what you are trying to do..give a little kiss on the cheek to be affectionate but what you really want is to cop a feel. You want to pounce on her, don't you? Well, stop it. Don't even go there.

My husband tries to defend himself: I hold her hand and give her a kiss or hug to let her know I love her and I am here for her...for us.

I come to his defense then: He's not pouncing on me...but he is smothering me a little too much with affection. Sometimes I'm too confused to respond back the way he wants me to.

Then she made this comment: If you don't start stepping up to the plate and paying her a little attention, you ARE going to lose her. She's feminine and attractive, fun to be around. Men love that. She can have them eating out of her hand if she wanted. While you have your eyes fixed on that TV or that keyboard, that other guy is going to have his eyes fixed on your wife. While you're working those 80 hours a week at work, he's going to be romancing your wife. How do you feel about that? Do you want to lose her?

My husband: I almost did. I don't want to. I love her.

MC: But you don't respect her.

Then my H and I both countered her comment. I have never felt my husband didn't respect me. He said the same.

Then the MC asked my husband, "Do you talk to your wife?"

He answered, "I am not really much of a talker. She's the talker."

MC replied: Men don't like to talk but you better start learning how to talk to your wife. Otherwise, she's going to find that guy out there who captivates her with every word that comes out of his mouth and you will be history."

MC, to my husband: "What do you like to talk about...cars? Find some new subjects to talk about. Something that interests both of you."

MC, to my husband: "What do you like to do in your spare time?"

Husband: I have projects I like to work on, etc.

MC: Does your wife share your interest in these projects?

Husband: No. She has her own interests.

MC: Well you better find some things that you both can do together..something fun...or she will find someone else to have fun with. Are you understanding me?"

She told him he needs to come out of his comfort zone and be willing to try new and different things.

When we left, we both felt "beat up." But my husband looked deflated. His self-esteem took a huge hit.

He said, "I don't know if I can be the husband you need."

We both felt horrible and hugged to comfort each other. That comment drove a knife right thru me.

Was this MC session in any way constructive?
Should we be looking for a new MC?

I told my H it might be in his best interest to find a male IC who he can talk to to help him get through this. He is in so much pain and I can see his self-esteem diminishing by the day. And all the while he is holding on to me with hope that our love will see us through.

What a mess.

[whichwayisup]

I think you need a new marriage counsellor. This one seems abit TOO angry and seems to have it in for your husband. She is harsh and RUDE might I add. The goal is to try to HELP you two to be on the same page. Maybe this is her way right and it will get better, but this just seems to the extreme.

Hopefully someone else will shed light on their experiences and help more than me.

[reboot]

I'm appalled for you. I wouldn't even consider going back.

Sometimes you have to shop around to find a good match with a MC. You need to do some more shopping.

[Owl]

You need to find an MC who can see BOTH SIDES of this...and one that doesn't take sides at all.

In my situation, our first MC seemed to side very clearly with me, against my wife. While gratifying, I knew clearly that would NOT let us recover. My wife felt beat up by her everytime we went to MC. While that MC was RIGHT in much of what she was saying, she didn't create an atmosphere where my wife could feel safe enough to talk about the issues we needed to deal with.

We switched MC's to the man I'd been seeing as IC. And he was AWESOME. He didn't side with me, he didn't side with her...he tried to open the communication between us. He facilitated the conversations, kept them from breaking down into fights, and set clear goals on things that needed to be worked on.

It sounds to me like you need to either set a clear 'warning' to this MC that you're not going to be able to work with someone who can't work with BOTH of you, or you need to just move on and find a counselor that can help you both heal.

Just because they got that piece of paper doesn't meant that they really have the people skills to seperate their own feelings from the situation they're trying to work with. Find one that CAN help you...after all, its your marriage and your money.

[carhill]

Is the MC a psych?

Nice challenge. I've been through this. After, I shake the psych's hand and thank him and go "nice one, you got me thinking there".

Your issue is that you're letting your guilt drive your responses to the MC's inquiries of your husband and assertions she makes as hypotheticals.

I'll bet your H has issues with emotional conflict and you're his protector. Just wait until the MC comes at you

[reboot]

Originally Posted by carhill

Is the MC a psych?

Nice challenge. I've been through this. After, I shake the psych's hand and thank him and go "nice one, you got me thinking there".

Your issue is that you're letting your guilt drive your responses to the MC's inquiries of your husband and assertions she makes as hypotheticals.

I'll bet your H has issues with emotional conflict and you're his protector. Just wait until the MC comes at you

Surely you're not saying you saw anything constructive in the scenerio she just described?

[carhill]

Surely I am

MC isn't blowing sunshine up your ass

[twice_shy]

Originally Posted by carhill

Surely I am

MC isn't blowing sunshine up your ass

But its not blaming one party either because the MC is a biased hack.

[nadiaj2727]

Taylor, I'm in agreement with those who say to get a new MC. I had to go through several different therapists (individual) until I could find one who worked for me. They are not all the same and they are not all good. Yours sounds horrible.

I recommend you call available ones from a list (that perhaps your insurance or job supplies, or however you get them) and ask to talk to the therapist himself/ herself. Don't just let the receptionist schedule you an appointment... I hate that... money wasted just to be "introduced" to the therapist.

When you find a therapist who actually talks to you (for me this was hard, I had to wait unti I left a VM with a therapist who didn't have a receptionist and until he called me back), tell him/ her straight out what the problem is. I know you have many issues in your marriage but right now the biggest issue is your infidelity and that the two of you are trying to overcome it. Just say, no matter how hard it is, "I had an affair and my husband and I are attempting to reconcile." Then ask the following questions:

1. What is your experience in treating married couples who have experienced infidelity?

2. What is your method/ approach for treating married couples who have experienced infidelity?

You want someone who believes in being honest as possible. Some of them believe it's best to just move on and cover up the affair -- I highly doubt this will work. I really think that the only way you guys are going to get to the bottom of your issues is to completely rip open everything wide and raw. You don't want a therapist who lets you guys beat around the bush or "take sides." Also a therapist shouldn't really tell you what to do, like yours was telling your husband. He/ she should ask thought-provoking questions to make you come to those conclusions on your own, or *suggest* things and see if you *both* agree on it. MC is supposed to be aimed at both of you together, not just one of you.

After trying several counselors I finally found one that worked for me using that method, except it was all aimed just about me since it was for individual therapy: "I was engaged and I cheated on my fiance with a married man, I broke off my engagement and continued the affair with the married man. What is your experience in dealing with situations like mine? What is your method/ approach?"

To be fair I wasn't completely honest/ open with my other therapists. There came a point where I realized I had to just SAY what my issue was no matter how stupid/ guilty it made me feel, and to be completely open and vulnerable with my therapist. And I didn't want a therapist who held my hand and agreed with whatever I said. I wanted one who could actually HELP me. It doesn't sound like your MC is very helpful or constructive. Don't feel tied down to that MC, there are many out there and you two will need to find one that fits BOTH of you together.

Good luck.

[grogster]

"When we left, we both felt "beat up." But my husband looked deflated. His self-esteem took a huge hit.

He said, "I don't know if I can be the husband you need."

We both felt horrible and hugged to comfort each other. That comment drove a knife right thru me.

Was this MC session in any way constructive?
Should we be looking for a new MC?"

You had the EA, and the MC is beating-up your husband, the betrayed spouse! WTF?

What's wrong with this picture? Just about everything.

The MC is throwing Molotov cocktails at your husband and your marriage is in the blast radius.Your husband just might conclude from the "counseling" (and I employ that term loosely) that you're a step away from another EA or, LS forbid, a PA because of his benign neglect.

So what is incentive to stick around to be the MC's punching bag and possibly a cuckhold? The MC is providing your husband with incentive to leave his marriage. And no, love does not conquer all. If so, there would be no need for marriage counselors and LoveShack.

Malpractice anyone?

[whichwayisup]

You had the EA, and the MC is beating-up your husband, the betrayed spouse! WTF?

Obviously this MC is blaming her H for her EA, like he drove her to it, held a gun to her head and said cheat on me!

Yeah, MC is supposed to be draining, but in a constructive and positive way to bring the two of you together, to put each of you in eachothers shoes, not ruin you two.

[nadiaj2727]

Oh, Taylor, I forgot to add: You also want an MC who believes that the person who cheated is 100% responsible for their own decision to cheat and who doesn't support "blame-shifting" to the person who didn't cheat... which is what it sounds like your MC is doing. Yes, there are issues in your marriage and both of you are 50% responsible for your marriage. But you can only get to the point of addressing those issues if you both realize that only YOU are the one who decided to look outside your marriage instead of inside to fix its issues. First you concentrate on your H and his feelings upon dealing with this horrible news. Then you two can address your marriage and your feelings etc. But right now it has to be all about him in order for it to be all about restoring your marriage from infidelity.

[grogster]

Originally Posted by whichwayisup

Obviously this MC is blaming her H for her EA, like he drove her to it, held a gun to her head and said cheat on me!

Yeah, MC is supposed to be draining, but in a constructive and positive way to bring the two of you together, to put each of you in eachothers shoes, not ruin you two.

So true.

Bad marriage counseling is much worse than no marriage counseling at all.

Jettison the doofus MC now, or your husband might jettison the marriage, later.

[Stockalone]

I have no idea how MC is supposed to work but I know that if I were in your husbands shoes, I would have stopped the counselor right at the beginning and asked two question.

1)
Do you believe that I am responsible for my wife's affair?

2)
If my wife had come to you for IC, would you have adviced my wife to tell me about the affair or to keep me in the dark?

[carhill]

Originally Posted by whichwayisup

Obviously this MC is blaming her H for her EA, like he drove her to it, held a gun to her head and said cheat on me!

Yeah, MC is supposed to be draining, but in a constructive and positive way to bring the two of you together, to put each of you in eachothers shoes, not ruin you two.

If the MC is a psych, she's likely laying the groundwork for bringing the husband out of his long-extent passive fog. I don't know what LS'ers posting here have actually had experience with psych or work in the field, but I have (both as a patient and a student) and see exactly what's going on. The husband is passive; wife has EA; husband is passive; they go to MC; husband is passive; wife "protects" husband. The cycle continues. The husband figures if he can control his emotions long enough, it'll all just "go away". The MC will get to wife and EA soon enough

Personally, and this is where an experienced practitioner is required, I want to hear the husband say exactly how he feels, not about the affair, but about anything. The words she's hearing now are just canned claptrap, IMO. The MC not going to get him to say or feel anything by being gentle. His wife brutalized him with an EA and he's still not expressing any feelings.

I'll be happy to agree to disagree on method, but I'm so glad our psych is proactive and forceful. At 165 an hour, I expect him to work his ass off . Perhaps the H would work better with a male psych. Maybe he's responding to the female MC as he responds to all females.

So, I'll predict here that the issue isn't the MC. Let's see if the OP changes MC's and that helps or not. I'm perfectly willing to go it alone and take my lumps