[suchaposer]

Well a big problem I have is that I'd say for the past few years, actually to be honest it's been about the past 6 years, I've had no social relationships at all.

All my human contact has been either coworkers, strangers, classmates, etc.

So all my converstaions I've had are the kind you have with people you don't quite know too well. That part I'm okay at.. I've gotten good at it actually. I've mastered my 'social facade' I guess.

The problem comes when I reach that certain level with a person. Say, when you turn from acquaintance to someone you hang out by choice. Because, you know how there's a certain 'informality' you gotta eventually have with people? That's where my problem is..

I'm talking BASIC stuff here. Jokable stuff.. like say you met me, we see each other in the elevator once or twice a week. That part I'm fine with. But say we been kinda talkin more and more, and then it get's to a point we actually hang out. So you start loosening up, showing the "real" side. Put away the 'social facade' and let the real side come out. Well, I stay in my facade cause I haven't been my true self with anyone in like this past 5-6 years. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know what it feels like to have true friends, or to have people know me. I'm actually scared of people now, I think. Not people.. but people knowing me.

I get anxiety and my chest feels like it's caved in when I sense people are getting too close.

I'm so pathetic, I finally managed to email a therapist but now I feel like even she will trigger me to avoid her too. Anyone go thru this and know what I'm going through?

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Yes. My closest friends live in Washington, DC and Texas. I am a complete lone wolf and almost complete home body. Since graduating college in December, I probably go out of the house and do anything just to do it once every few weeks. Other than that, when I do go out, it is for interview purposes only. Even when I was younger, after I hit normal grade school (I went to a special school for kids who could not make it in the regular school system (I have always been a victim of bullying and teasing and outcasting)) I only had friends within the school, but we never met outside of it. The two family friends I did have in jr.h.s. moved away when their mother passed.

I have no social skills whatsoever. I go to the clubs and bars and just sit and eye people. I might get up and dance by myself, but that is about it. I am inept with finding women and those that I do find usually don't last long. I am almost 38 and I have had only 3 g/fs in my life, 3 lasted about 11/2 months on average (though one we courted each other for several months on the phone and online before we meet in rl). I have had 3 online strictly relationships ranging for 2 years each (but, we never dated and one was just running a game on me). It has gotten so bad that I honestly think I would die or she be taken away if I found one true moment of happiness with a woman.

So, don't feel bad. You have to find within yourself peace first before others can find peace with you. You have to find confidence in yourself before they find confidence in you. I wish I could tell you how to do it, even with my knowledge and talents and wisdom and those of so many who have tried to help me, I am still where I am. All I can say is that, I have had to find other ways to enjoy existence without what so many other people have. And I do enjoy it for the most part.


DNR

[Pedigree]

I think you should start by looking for your real self first. What did you like to do before you went into your facade mode? What's your hobby? Once you can find that, you'll be more confident showing your real self. And if the other person has similar interests, that's someone who could be your friend right there.

[spookie]

I think the trick to being comfortable around other people is not taking yourself too seriously. That, and going with your gut feelings: if someone feels uncomfortable to you, there's a good likelihood that will never change (that's been my experience at any rate).

Develop some confidence in who you are outside of toher people. What are your hobbies? Passions? There's more to you than how well you do in social situations. Once you being liking yourself, unveil yourself to the world...

There's no reason to have panic attacks about this kind of stuff. Almost everyone is far too self centered to care about who you are/ what image you're projecting/ how you feel.

Try to have fun. If that's hard iWITH others, do what I do. Have fun with yourself, around others.

No one gives a fcvk. And that's a good thing.

[br0ken_w0lf]

suchaposer: I can completely relate! I think the only person that I'd allowed myself to be "me" around for the last few years was my wife; with everyone, I'd remain somewhat guarded for some reason. She left August last year and I now find it even harder to be myself and, like you, I think I've even lost who I am - I don't even know anymore. I can remember feeling "normal" and comfortable socially, say, in high school; everything since then is a big blur, like I've fallen asleep for 20 years and just woke up. Very hard to make friends as a result. Anyway, just wanted to say you're not alone here!

Originally Posted by spookie

There's no reason to have panic attacks about this kind of stuff. Almost everyone is far too self centered to care about who you are/ what image you're projecting/ how you feel.

Spookie: this is so true and I always forget this. I often observe the people that I refer to as "effortlessly social" and I always wonder how/why they are like this. And I suspect the reason may be just that! Thanks, those are words I need to remember in the future!

[cRyPT]

Thankfully I am trying to be extroverted myself... One year not twenty ;\

Still in high school.