Hey all, I am new to the forum and am going to a tough time. Here is my story and I would like to see what other people think. I have been married almost two years and two stepchildren (her daughters). I gave my wife my all and took great care of her. There were some times when I did not pay attention or fullfill her needs emotionally about six months ago but I feel the damage is done. This is long but bear with me. Our marriage was ok but definately needed work. In January 2008, she went to a city about 45 minutes from here to a friends Dad's house to set it up for a birthday party. While up there, she met an OM and got his number the first night. When she came back home at the end of the weekend she took a bath and went to bed. I was working graveyard at the time and when I came home she got out of bed and said she was just getting up and went straight to the computer. I went to bed thinking nothing and when I woke up she was overly affectionate. Knowking the signs of cheating I got suspicious and got into her Instant messanger where she IM'ed a girlfriend of hers and admitted "I did a bad thing and I don't want to talk about it" and "a guy kissed me and I didn't stop him", and "I didn't mean for it to happen". She went up three other weekends after that where I can pretty much place her in his bed but no concrete proof. I know at this time she told my mom she did not want kids with me anymore and she finally got off her butt to get the birth control prescription she was off of for eight months. We almost divorced and either she or he cut it off in February. Now for the real story of here and now. My wife has always been immature and likes to have fun and live life or so she calls it. I am more into wanting to have a family life. I am 31 and she is 29 years old. She met a group of friends at a bar one night and started hanging with them. They are mainly 21 to 23 years old. When the group had a falling out she sided with one of the 21 year olds. This is where the funny stuff begins...he got her a job where he works at and acts like a lost puppy with no friends. I met him and hung out with him and he seems like a nice guy. We moved out of the apartment into a house and he even helped us move there and was helpful. When I worked on our first weekend there she and him supposedly were fixing the house up and painting. She stayed one night there with him and a girlfriend. On the second night I came home and she was not at the apartment..she had stayed at the house..(we had not moved the bed over there yet). She claims she fell alseep in a sleeping bag, her cell phone ran out of battery and her car was at his house. She said she was too exhausted and fell alseep right away and he left at some time. She never called me which was weird. She came by the apartment to pick up more stuff and made sure she picked up our futon mattress. She stayed again there that night and came home a half hour before I got off work at 4:30 in the morning. She claimed she was exhausted and fell alseep again and forgot to call me and which was weird again. She did have time to go on the computer though and not tell me goodnight or she was home. After that things went normal. Then I get a call saying that she was seen by a friend holding hands with him at lunch. I brought it to her attention and tolde her we need to fix the marriage or end it at which time she said end it. She ended up leaving and staying at his house saying she left me because I didn't believe her and took someones word over hers. I broke the lease on the houser (She didn't think I could and wanted to store her stuff there for the time being) and kicked her out. She packed her stuff and moved into his grandpa's house. It was then that I went to a bar and saw some mutual friends who saw her holding hands with him there and sitting on his lap. One friend even said she told him "He is not my type, I did not hold his hand, but I would never kick him out of bed". She went out of state and is supposed to come back this thursday. While gone I got into her email and saw messages that said..from her "I miss you already and I am excited to come back and go apartment hunting with you". He replied "I miss you more babe, I don't think I can sleep without you here". She knew I got into her email and changed the password. Her excuse is that she does miss him becuase she works with him and stays at his place. She says I am trying to find reason in a marriage that was not working out. I would go at all ends to fix it even marriage counseling, She wants papers now and says she will sign as soon as they come. I can not understand how someone who was my companion and best friend can be so cruel and hurtful to me after all I did for her. Not to mention she did not work at all during the marriage while I supported her and put her through school. She wants nothing to do with me and it hurts to feel that she has no feelings for me because I love her. I think what hurts the most is the fact he is just a 21 year old man I met who chased after my wife who is 29. I hope what goes around comes around, My questions are why is my wife so cruel and so into not fixing the marriage with me? Can this fling last? Keep in mind the kids are not with her..they live out of state with her parents. I gave her a chance to get them back this summer to start a family and she seems to only want them when it's good for her. It has always been about her having fun and what is good for her at the moment. We are separated now and she claims nothing is going on with them. She says she can understand why I feel that way but they are just good friends. I don't believe it of course. Am I to expect her to come crawling back in a few months when this young guy does not work out or is she serious about leaving me? Any comments or help with explanations of this scenario would be appreciated. Thanks for listening.
I ususally don't tell people to end their marriages but I think you should stay separated and take time to think about if you want to be married to her. She's immature, selfish and seems to be reverting back to teenage ways - Partying, staying up late, not calling and putting herself in really dumb situations where something could happen. Those are not actions of a wife, let alone a mature grown woman who has 2 children. So, she dumped her kids off somewhere else so SHE could go ahead and do as she pleases... Those poor kids! They've been torn apart from her and from you as well, even if you are the stepfather I'm sure you're a good parent to them...
Anyway, she needs to either grow up, get to marriage counselling with you or it's time to walk away.
She IS cheating on you, she's just in denial and in her mind it isn't cheating..
My hunch is that she probably was young when she had her kids and is now feeling like she missed out on some of those carefree youth days. She is reclaiming those days, unfortunately at the expense of you, your marriage and her kids.
She will regret this, and you should not be a hostage to her immaturity. I agree with the advice from WWIU.
Drop this chick, shepoor excuse of a mother and a horrible wife. She even admitted she doesnt want to settle down she wants to go out and get banged by random dudes living the high life. You aint got kids with her, so get the house, file for divorce and hae NC with her. She used you and doesnt care about your feelings. She's really selfish as which way stated.
You deserve better.
__________________
This gun means you are the weak and I am the tyranny of evil men, but I'm trying, I'm trying real hard to be the sheppard...
Yes Gibson..something I forgot to touch on about the situation. She had her first child at 18, got married in High School for six years and did not divorce until she was 24 and the second child came when she was 21. She seems to be making up for atime she won't get back.
I doubt that even she knows why she acts the way she does but does it really matter? Her behavior towards you speaks volumes and if you try to justify her behavior with 'probable causes' then you are simply choosing to live in denial of reality.
Count your blessings that she is not pregnant with your child for she is obviously not in any way, shape or form committed to you or the marriage. Can you imagine trying to negotiate for child visitation with a person like her?
__________________ "If You Could See Yourself Through My Eyes, You Would Never Again Question Your Beauty"
She should pay you back the money for putting her through school. Just a thought..
I agree. And for that reason, I hope you don't live in a no-fault state.
Listen, there are literally billions of other fish in the sea. You deserve better than this. It seems even maternal instinct isn't enough for her to plant roots and grow a life - and she says she wants to live life? First you need to get one, but if a girl won't become a woman for the sake of her kids, she certainly won't become a wife.
I feel for ya, man. Hang in there. And, don't let this selfish creature devour your soul!
Forget about getting yourself riled up about how much of your own money you used to put her through school. That was an act of love that you should never be ashamed of. If there is anybody who should be ashamed for taking advantage of your love, it is she. Of course it would be nice if she had a little bit of decency and return you the money you gave her, but no amount of it would ever make up for the shameful betrayal of her marital vows in less than 2 years of marriage. NEVER be ashamed of your good deeds, for they are appreciated by the one who truly matters the most, God.
Actually I was thinking more on the lines of she contributed nothing to the marriage, so she should not profit from it, why should she get half of what remains when she already took everything that matters?
But, yes, true, the money is the least important thing that went down the drain. It's just that, sadly, in the end, that's what most of the paperwork focuses on.
Yes..it is a no fault state..which sucks..but I will say she texted me today saying "I miss you baby". I sent back "What?" She sent back a "huh?" I said "Why did you send me a I miss you baby?" She replied "I didn't have my phone, Katie did"...(her oldest) I think she got caught accidently texting me instead of her and she still said to me nothing is going on and I can ask anyone. Still in denial I guess..all I want it the truth and I don't think she'll ever come clean...oh well there's a short update
Actually I was thinking more on the lines of she contributed nothing to the marriage, so she should not profit from it, why should she get half of what remains when she already took everything that matters?
But, yes, true, the money is the least important thing that went down the drain. It's just that, sadly, in the end, that's what most of the paperwork focuses on.
In the beginning middle and end, money makes little difference. 15 years ago my dearest friend, and employee was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, prognosis three months... about two months later, I noticed the business account was short about 10k.....
I called the bank, and my friend had cashed a business check for the short amount. I dropped by his house to talk about it.. kinda mad. I got there and he was in a chair.. oxygen hooked up with a machine that fed him morphine whenever he wanted it. I wasn't mad anymore.
When I asked him why he did it he said... buddy, my wife and baby need to move across the country (3000) to their hometown.. they need it... I know you would have helped but not enought. You'll earn lots more money....
I had to smile... we had worked together 10 years and he knew me, I would have helped.. not 10k though... he was right. I started laughing out loud... he was right. I didn't miss a day seeing him for the next two weeks .. when he passed.
Boy was my ex p*ssed about the money. I told her to forget it, we wern't gonna starve.
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