So, I've been seeing a counsellor because I'd come to the conclusion over the years that I was struggling with forming and keeping close personal relationships with people. I've been involved in relationships and always walked away from them. Usually this would be at a crucial time when intimacy and closeness was developing. Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that there MUST be a reason for it. I had never really thought it was an issue and hadn't really seen the pattern - I'd just thought the guys I'd been involved with 'weren't right for me'. Then I did meet someone and it lasted 10 years and I thought my problem wasn't a problem and he was 'the one'.
Since meeting him, in the last few years, I had suffered several issues which had forced me to deal with a huge amount of stress (cancer, relationship split, loss of a child etc) and during those times, instead of looking to my partner and family for support and help, I didn't... I became very insular and independent. One of the main issues which resulted in the splitting of my main life-partnership (have dated two people since then and dumped them both) was I pushed him away during my cancer treatment and couldn't ask him to take care of me. Anyhow... long story short, eventually we split, I go back to my relationship-get close-breakup cycle. Until last June when, for the first time in my life, I was dumped. That said the preceding few weeks I'd probably engineered the situation so that I got dumped (when I actually throw a light on it and clear the cobwebs - yes he was a shyte but I did my bit in instigating the breakup).
Anyhow... following that episode - in the last few months, I've hit a deeper and deeper depression. I couldn't work out what the feck was wrong with me and I felt like I couldn't reach out to my friends and family to ask for help. I started going to counselling and something came up last week which unravelled everthing. The counsellor asked me why I felt I had to always take care of myself, be insular and independent. I explained that it's because I felt like I could only rely upon myself. That was a revelation to me because I hadn't realised I actually thought that. I couldn't work out why though. I have good family and friends. We have issues but there you go.
So I started ruminating and digging. This evening I went to see my Aunt. She used to take care of me a lot when I was tiny because my Mom worked. It turned out that when I was born, my Mom had post-natal depression and hadn't been able to cope and was hospitalised. My Aunt took me in and took care of me for the first two years of my life. I'd done all my bonding with my Aunt. It hit me like a sledgehammer tonight because everything over the years has now fallen into place. I've been close to my Mom but not on a motherly-daughter way. I have a better relationship with my Stepdad (for example when I need to talk about things I talk to him first etc, if I have to go to hospital to have tests, I tell him first). Anyhow, my Aunt told me that she hadn't wanted to give me back and the 'separation' issues I had were things like bed-wetting, playing up, nightmares and apparently I always said to my Mom I wanted to 'go home, to my other Mummy'.
I know this must have ripped my Mom up and I know it's not her fault - but having an answer for why I've had such a subconscious deep-seated fear of rejection for so long has been the feckin bane of my life and at times has wrecked it. Now, I can heal and hopefully move forward. What's weird when I went to see my Aunt tonight (who I don't see that often because of the fear of rejection thing and work, life etc getting in the way) it still felt like I'd gone 'home'. I left and I was sobbing my heart out because it finally felt like I had found my real Mom. Sad but true. I can't ever say that to my Mom though... because well... like I said, it really wasn't her fault. Plus, as we were growing up, my Mom banned my Aunt from seeing us. I didn't know that until this evening
But jees families can screw you up can't they..? {sigh}
Has anyone any similar experiences...? cos I'm kinda in shock at the moment. I'm seeing my counsellor tomorrow but I dunno whether I can sleep because of the shell shocked feeling. I have no idea what happens from here. I dunno whether to talk to my Mom about it because I don't want to hurt her. It was a long time ago and I'm 38 now and she's 59, past is past and I feel like I should just learn to deal with it and move on.
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