I realise this should, strictly speaking, be in one of the other sections as I'm about to replay my story as a MM, not an OM. But I found this section while searching and felt my perspective on things may show that MM's can get burnt emotionally too. There also seems to be more of a focus in here on the emotional side. Obviously if a moderator wants to move this story then that's fine.
I've had a short affair (why do people on here use "A"? If you've had one then at least be brave enough to say it). I am the MM. But I feel absolutely crushed by it. It hurts. Badly. Very badly. I'm not looking for sympathy as I fully appreciate it is a situation of my - and our - making. I hope writing this is a little cathartic for me and I can offer the other side of the story for others.
Last year I started working with a beautiful girl. From the moment we saw each other there was something there. We both talked about this later and still recall that first moment of eye contact vividly. The odd thing is that neither of us are each others "type". We are probably poles apart from each others usual "look". But there was something there. And instant.
For a couple of months we did nothing. I have been married a long time and I have several young children. But it became obvious she was very attracted to me (which was a huge ego boost). I still pushed back (even though I strongly felt the same) and wouldn't let it go anywhere. But eventually the inevitable happened and we kissed.
The relationship escalated from that point. Once that line was crossed it was impossible to turn it back. We both felt the same. To be honest, the thrill of an affair was exciting too. For several months we had a fantastic time. It wasn't just about sex. But it was a real emotional connection. Unstoppable. Throughout this I was clear that I would never leave my children. I even encouraged her to try to see other people as we both knew we couldn't continue unless I was prepared to leave my family. But she wouldn't see other men because of the way she felt about me. We talked about the situation a lot and tried to work out where it could go.
So at around December time we both took a joint decision to end it. We knew it was wrong to continue. But, of course, stopping is a lot harder than not starting. We continued working together and both wanted (and want) to stay very close friends. But the problem we now both have is that it wasn't just about sex. There was a very real emotional attachment. I've never felt something so strong, even with my wife.
She has now met someone else (which I'm genuinely very glad of - I honestly want her to be happy). We still talk a lot (and the phone text thing still goes on both ways, albeit in a more toned down way trying to get it onto a pure friendship level) and we are still incredibly good and close friends. She still feels the same about me but realises it can go nowhere with me and so is trying her best to make it work with her new partner.
But, while she is now in a blossoming relationship (and like I said before it's what I want for her), I now feel completely and utterly ripped apart. Not because of her new relationship but because we aren't spending time together. I have never felt this kind of pain over a relationship before. I sit alone quite often almost in tears (but of course having to pretend nothing is wrong). My heart and stomach feel like they have been ripped out. I think part of the problem is that while I would never leave my children, I would leave my wife. But that's not going to happen while I have children. While they are so young I could never put them through the loss of a father in that way.
So I'm now torn... not wanting to be here... but staying here because my children will always come first. I won't tell my wife because that would then cause the breakup which I dread for my children. So I'll make the best of this situation and try to get closer to my wife again. I don't feel the same about her that I did many years ago. While many will simply say that's because of recent events I don't think it is. I think recent events made me realise that something was missing. I just couldn't see it before.
And I can see my "friend" drifting further away as she gets into a good relationship. That makes me happy for her. But it hurts. Sometimes the pain isn't so bad. Other times it comes out of nowhere, just when I think I've come to terms with it.
But I know one thing. I will never get myself into an affair again. It hurts far, far too much unless you can stay emotionally unattached (and for me that doesn't seem an option).
How do you know you will not get into another A after all you don't have that special connection with your W anymore.
This is just my opinion and I might get sh-t for this but I'm not a believer in staying together for the kids.
A unhappy home with 2 parents is also bad for the kids.
Why not just come clean with your W and let her decide if she wants to stay with you or leave you,it is her marriage also,she deserves to know.
She is the mother of your kids,you should atleast respect her enough to tell her the truth,she should be with someone who loves her and she can trust,and yeah you should be with someone who you are happy with and you love,obviously it is not your W,so maybe you should let her go,just tell her the truth and maybe it will not have to be your choice maybe she'll make it for you and let you go .
How do you know you will not get into another A after all you don't have that special connection with your W anymore.
This is just my opinion and I might get sh-t for this but I'm not a believer in staying together for the kids.
A unhappy home with 2 parents is also bad for the kids.
Why not just come clean with your W and let her decide if she wants to stay with you or leave you,it is her marriage also,she deserves to know.
She is the mother of your kids,you should atleast respect her enough to tell her the truth,she should be with someone who loves her and she can trust,and yeah you should be with someone who you are happy with and you love,obviously it is not your W,so maybe you should let her go,just tell her the truth and maybe it will not have to be your choice maybe she'll make it for you and let you go .
I agree with this. Portent, I don't judge a person by one affair. I know we're all human. But I do judge a person by a character trait of selfishness. You may be thinking that your staying in an unfulfilling marriage is selfless because you're doing it for your kids, but that is really bunk. Kids can do amazingly well is divorced or blended households with the right amount of love and support (and preferrably parents who can get along).
But you are not leaving because you don't want to be without your kids on certain days and because you're not ready to leave. Even though John is correct in that your wife deserves to be with a man who wants to be with her (or, alternatively, be alone to learn to love her independent life).
I do not think you're a bad person, but I do think you need to take a look at what you're doing and why you're doing it. Sometimes the best course of action is neither the easiest nor the most obvious.
__________________ "Either live together joyously or say good-bye joyously."
I agree with this. Portent, I don't judge a person by one affair. I know we're all human. But I do judge a person by a character trait of selfishness. You may be thinking that your staying in an unfulfilling marriage is selfless because you're doing it for your kids, but that is really bunk. Kids can do amazingly well is divorced or blended households with the right amount of love and support (and preferrably parents who can get along).
But you are not leaving because you don't want to be without your kids on certain days and because you're not ready to leave. Even though John is correct in that your wife deserves to be with a man who wants to be with her (or, alternatively, be alone to learn to love her independent life).
I do not think you're a bad person, but I do think you need to take a look at what you're doing and why you're doing it. Sometimes the best course of action is neither the easiest nor the most obvious.
Cliche , while I agree with you that the 'staying for the kids' isn't really FOR the kids, but for the parent.........I think the OP actually stated he was staying for how HE feels regarding his children.
All I have to say is thank you for your story. I think many times I thought I was the only one going crazy - good to know the MM can feel the same. I wish I could say 'leave your wife' or 'don't leave' but I don't have the answers. All I can do is ask you, if you spend the next 15 years in this situation what will you say to yourself at the end when your kids have moved on? You regret all that time that you were unhappy? or Will you say my kids were well off, that 15 years of unhappiness paid off but no one will ever know?
I do think that kids are resilient. With loving parents they will do just fine - I've never seen kids ruined by a divorce, only ones ruined by unhappy or disfunctional people. You should talk to your wife, go through marriage counseling, and figure out your next move. Don't be afraid of trying to fix things, divorce, or hide behind your kids. You'll probably regret it.
Well, I think it is brave that you have written here. It is cathartic to get things out.
I think it's responsible to think about your children in this matter... but you obviously have mixed feelings about your wife. You never mentioned that you love her?
I can tell you that if I was your wife in this situation- it would be horrible to know that my husband was only staying with me out of obligation to the kids.
Well, I think it is brave that you have written here. It is cathartic to get things out.
I think it's responsible to think about your children in this matter... but you obviously have mixed feelings about your wife. You never mentioned that you love her?
I can tell you that if I was your wife in this situation- it would be horrible to know that my husband was only staying with me out of obligation to the kids.
Agree d-lish - it seems only fair that his W gets a chance to decide whether the M is worth working on, after a long time together and several children, it's the least one would ask for.
All I have to say is thank you for your story. I think many times I thought I was the only one going crazy - good to know the MM can feel the same. I wish I could say 'leave your wife' or 'don't leave' but I don't have the answers. All I can do is ask you, if you spend the next 15 years in this situation what will you say to yourself at the end when your kids have moved on? You regret all that time that you were unhappy? or Will you say my kids were well off, that 15 years of unhappiness paid off but no one will ever know?
I do think that kids are resilient. With loving parents they will do just fine - I've never seen kids ruined by a divorce, only ones ruined by unhappy or disfunctional people. You should talk to your wife, go through marriage counseling, and figure out your next move. Don't be afraid of trying to fix things, divorce, or hide behind your kids. You'll probably regret it.
I'm happy to Finally see another MM's story around here. It puts things more into perspective. I think my ex-MM can relate to your feelings for your OW. He pretty much kept all his feelings bottled up inside, but actions speak louder than words. I feell you Do deserve to tell your wife, though--she actually deserves to know that. Maybe right now you aren't ready to tell her because of your children--which is wonderful, but you are living a Lie. Your children already lost their father emotionally. Your marriage to their mother is all lies right now. The love you show their mother and that your children are observing is all lies. But this is up to you, and you will know when you--and if you--can tell your wife. Who knows--maybe she will forgive you. She will either forgive you or kick you to the curb. What do you deserve? Sure, a kick in the butt, but stay strong and hopefully you can get through this. I bet you will feel a Lot better once you confess your affair to your wife.
How do you know you will not get into another A after all you don't have that special connection with your W anymore.
This is just my opinion and I might get sh-t for this but I'm not a believer in staying together for the kids.
A unhappy home with 2 parents is also bad for the kids.
I agree with this. Portent thanks for sharing your story, however, I wonder if perhaps your affair was a symptom of a much bigger problem in your marriage-- at least your unhappiness with it, which you admit. Take it from someone who grew up in a home with two unhappily married parents. It will only get worse unless you really try to make things better. If you have no motivation to make things better, then actually for your childrens' sake I think you should leave. They need a good example of either a committed strong relationship, or two strong individuals living apart. Otherwise they might learn the patterns of living in an unhappy relationship or cheating. Just my two cents' worth.
__________________
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"The unexamined life is not worth living."
~Socrates
So I'm now torn... not wanting to be here... but staying here because my children will always come first. I won't tell my wife because that would then cause the breakup which I dread for my children. So I'll make the best of this situation and try to get closer to my wife again. I don't feel the same about her that I did many years ago. While many will simply say that's because of recent events I don't think it is. I think recent events made me realise that something was missing. I just couldn't see it before.
Whether the distance between you and your wife was there before or only came after you met this girl, it's there now and you need to do something about it if you plan to stay married 'for the sake of the children'.
At least be honest with your wife that there IS that distance between you and there is something 'missing' for you. At least give yourselves the chance to seek marriage counseling together and work on making things better.
Odds are if YOU think there's something missing, your wife is probably also unhappy. And she may very well have caught wind that you have been distancing yourself more and more as this affair has gone on. So you probably aren't the only one who feels trapped in this marriage for the sake of the children.
Try and fix things together, even if you don't have the courage to be honest with her about your affair.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Gwyn
"Change We Can Believe In"...
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