I don't know what to do..my husband had a year long affair and a close connection with the other woman. I found out through his phone - lots of text messages and he confessed. He immediately stopped all contact with her and is extremely remorseful. I just don't know if I can accept the past..I look at him differently now, and I look at myself differently, like I wasn't good enough. It was ok for him to cheat for a year but now once caught he professes his love for me and wants to do everything to save our marriage. We did have a great marriage for quite a while and I don't know what happened, I guess we stopped taking time for each other..we would fight about it sometimes..saying we need to work on our "roomate" relationship and be more like husband and wife. I admit I did not show as much affection as when we were first together..but I didn't deserve this. I suffer from depression and I am finally getting help - things just hit the breaking point I guess. Because of my lack of affection in the past I am worried that maybe I am no longer attracted to him as a husband. He tells me that he needs to feel wanted and needed and that is part of the reason that he turned elsewhere..a friend turned into something more and he calls it the biggest mistake of his life and that he should of had the courage to tell me he was not feeling fulfilled but he felt that I was too fragile because of my depression. I am afraid to try because I constantly feel inadequate as a wife because he went elsewhere and had such an emotional connection with her. I also don't know if I have what it takes to give him what he needs...I feel so overwhelmed with the decision to stay or go.
Please get a hold of Dr Willard Harley's book "His Needs, Her Needs" and read it, both of you. It is one of the finest books on how to satisfy each other's most important emotional needs.
Remember that nobody is born an expert on how to satisfy his/her spouse's emotional needs and this includes your husband. He had to resort to a needy and desperate woman - who was more than willing to take crumbs from a married man - in a pathetic attempt to satisfy his emotional needs. So if you believe you are inadequate, guess what so is your husband.
__________________ "If You Could See Yourself Through My Eyes, You Would Never Again Question Your Beauty"
VJ, I feel your pain and understand your struggle. I have been down the long road of depression and recovery. I can tell you with time, meds and therapy, you will slowly return to a balanced life.
At this point you really need to focus on yourself. If you are taking antidepressants you should also be going to psychotherapy. Working hand in hand the result can be synergistic. A good psychotherapist can help you identify and resolve issues, fears etc that hold you back.
The need to work on your M is important, but unless you have your depression at bay any decision you make may not be the best one. If you are starting meds it may take several months before the full effect is felt so your H will need to understand you need to get your feet under you before you try to address the marital issues.
Of course you're feeling "inadequate" and looking at your H differently. What you are probably feeling is the shock of betrayal. You H can make excuses and rationalize what he needed and why he had the affair but that doesn't excuse his actions or mitigate his responsibility. Before you can even begin to work on issues in your M, he needs to begin to rebuild your trust in him.
If he is serious then his life becomes an open book to you.
I would advise making any hasty decisions about your M or worrying about how you feel until you have the depression under control. See a therapist and work out the anger and betrayal as a starting point. This won't be a quick or easy fix but rather a beginning of a journey through a balanced life. You will know when your ready to address your M issues.
I don't know what to do..my husband had a year long affair and a close connection with the other woman. I found out through his phone - lots of text messages and he confessed. He immediately stopped all contact with her and is extremely remorseful. I just don't know if I can accept the past..I look at him differently now, and I look at myself differently, like I wasn't good enough. It was ok for him to cheat for a year but now once caught he professes his love for me and wants to do everything to save our marriage. We did have a great marriage for quite a while and I don't know what happened, I guess we stopped taking time for each other..we would fight about it sometimes..saying we need to work on our "roomate" relationship and be more like husband and wife. I admit I did not show as much affection as when we were first together..but I didn't deserve this. I suffer from depression and I am finally getting help - things just hit the breaking point I guess. Because of my lack of affection in the past I am worried that maybe I am no longer attracted to him as a husband. He tells me that he needs to feel wanted and needed and that is part of the reason that he turned elsewhere..a friend turned into something more and he calls it the biggest mistake of his life and that he should of had the courage to tell me he was not feeling fulfilled but he felt that I was too fragile because of my depression. I am afraid to try because I constantly feel inadequate as a wife because he went elsewhere and had such an emotional connection with her. I also don't know if I have what it takes to give him what he needs...I feel so overwhelmed with the decision to stay or go.
I could have written this word for word in the days after I found out. Almost exactly two years ago.
I was depressed. I was working my a** off at soul-sucking job, raising kids, running house and feeling like my H didn't feel the need to treat me romantically in any way. He wanted sex, but I felt like it was for self gratification only and he had no interest in ME.
I DID begin to turn off. I did begin to resist sex and become disengaged. He did begin to feel unloved and as he put it, "lonely." She did sense his vulnerability. She did want him and see him as better than her husband. He was moved by her desire for him. She told him that love dies and marriages end all the time and people start life new with a "new family." He started to think she was right. He almost got there, but couldn't quite make the leap. I found out through a cell phone call he lied about and then I looked at the bill. It had been going on for a year.
It has been a difficult process, in no small part because she works with him and won't leave. He can't leave since he runs the company. But he was extremely remorseful (felt guilt all through the A which ticked OW off no end).
The thing that has been the key for us is that we were both willing to face up to our role in our marriage going stale - even though a lot of it was natural due to raising busy kids and demanding jobs. We spent a lot of time talking, being willing to face our communciations problems and being as honest as we could. Then, being willing to CHANGE to the degree we could in how we tended to each other's needs and facing our own shortcomings.
The OW has been a complete b**ch. Made it hard for us to get back to a place before she became a factor in our lives. She is still there, but has become less important everyday.
I'm not over this by a long shot. Something like this never goes away. But the question is, do you believe in the concept of forgiveness? Do you believe that people are weak and therefore make mistakes? Do you believe that we don't always have the wisdom to know what is the right path at first, but that we may still be able to find our way through fortitude and love and perseverance? Do you believe that you love your H somewhere in your heart and you don't want to walk away from what you have made together?
He didn't handle the problems between you the right way. That makes him like most conflict-avoiding men. He is trying in the most painful, self-abasing way he can now to make it right and keep from losing you. He will continue to make mistakes. He will try to conceal the sleaziness of what he did and the trauma of what he felt for her. BUT, he is willing to walk away from it and that should tell you something about your importance to him compared to what he experienced with her.
Take this one day at a time. Read, read, read. MarriageBuilders.com and most important - "After the Affair" by Janet Abrahms Springs. Also, "Surviving Infidelity." Marriage counselling is highly advised, but not all are created equally. Left first two and third was great. Be picky.
Read and go to counselling and decide what is right for you. It may be to forgive and stay. It may be to go. This is personal journey for you. The most profound of your life. Be open and be prepared to look hard at yourself. Come back here if you have questions along the way, but be aware of the bias of each poster and take advice with a grain of salt.
In addition, my personal belief is that at this moment, the key is whether the WS (wayward spouse) immediately confesses or tries to make you think you are crazy.
Immediate confession is usually a sign of someone who was ready for the A to end and didn't know how to get out. If they try to make you think you are crazy, they are still very involved and don't want it to end.
He was ready, however shakily, for it to end. Take that for what you will.
Wow...lots of great advice. TMCM, I ordered that book last night..thank you so much for the suggestion....I am all about the self help books..just not sure which ones to buy. Hopefully it will provide some insight.
Tripper, I hear what you are saying. I am seeing a psychologist and she is helpful, it's hard sometimes not to overlap everything and look for a one size fits all fix. But you are right..get me straightened out first then think about my marriage. I am just so afraid that I won't get the feelings back and that I am not the person that can really give him what he needs. I guess once I get myself on track then I can take a closer look at that.
Smartgirl..you really are a smart girl! I understand what you are saying about how he made his choices and you are right..he definitely is a conflict avoider. I never really thought of it the way you put it, the fact that he chose me right away and that he confessed right away - these are all good signs. He told me he wanted it to end, he just didn't know how. He said he was glad I found out. I couldn't quite figure that out before until you described it. I did pick up the book by Janice Abams..it was quite helpful in the beginning, haven't touched it again since my setback. Time to dust it off I guess.
I see things clearly as far as making the choice to forgive and accept that he does love me and wants to be a family. Now the hard part is..can I be that person? Is the connection still there?? Can we ever get intimacy back where we are both on the same page..I am extremely vulnerable.
If you're going to read "His Needs, Her Needs", you should also read "Love Busters". It's the companion book to "His Needs, Her Needs", also by Dr. Harley.
Wow...lots of great advice. TMCM, I ordered that book last night..thank you so much for the suggestion....I am all about the self help books..just not sure which ones to buy. Hopefully it will provide some insight.
Tripper, I hear what you are saying. I am seeing a psychologist and she is helpful, it's hard sometimes not to overlap everything and look for a one size fits all fix. But you are right..get me straightened out first then think about my marriage. I am just so afraid that I won't get the feelings back and that I am not the person that can really give him what he needs. I guess once I get myself on track then I can take a closer look at that.
Smartgirl..you really are a smart girl! I understand what you are saying about how he made his choices and you are right..he definitely is a conflict avoider. I never really thought of it the way you put it, the fact that he chose me right away and that he confessed right away - these are all good signs. He told me he wanted it to end, he just didn't know how. He said he was glad I found out. I couldn't quite figure that out before until you described it. I did pick up the book by Janice Abams..it was quite helpful in the beginning, haven't touched it again since my setback. Time to dust it off I guess.
I see things clearly as far as making the choice to forgive and accept that he does love me and wants to be a family. Now the hard part is..can I be that person? Is the connection still there?? Can we ever get intimacy back where we are both on the same page..I am extremely vulnerable.
Re-reading the book is a good idea. I went back and re-read all or portions many times over the first 1 1/2 years. You will find that you understand more of the book or see things you didn't the first time as you progress in your healing.
The wounds are deep. I know, as you do, that it hurts even more that he did this when you were so low and in need of help. That is something better seen in hindsight though and besides, most men feel so helpless in a situation like that that they tend to just to shut down or turn to someone else for solice.
I'm not sure how long it has been since you found out. But as I am 2 years out, I can tell you that I am amazed at how our relationship has continued to develop overtime. It took him a long time to recover himself. Our MC said he was carrying around so much guilt over all the pain caused and living with it every minute of every day that it made it difficult for him to feel the positive feelings that I was looking for. You may also be sensing some part of your H is still not there. You will both need to be patient with one another. Most experts say it take about 2 years to really begin to get past things and back to "normal."
I agree with other posters that your first order of business has to be getting your depression under control. Don't even think about making any life-altering decisions at this time. Keep up with the reading. I continued to read books, articles, websites and still do. Not just on infidelity, but on relationships and understanding how men and women relate. It has all been helpful.
Take things one day at a time, but be hopeful. You will be amazed at how resilient and adaptable we can be. It just may not happen as quickly as you would like.
Smartgirl, I found out about the affair at the end of January this year. I have flip-flopped twice about letting him back into my life. The first time was too soon - he was back in the house in less than a week and we seemed to have a whirlwind romance. That didn't last long and then it came crashing down again. He moved to a friends house and this time we decided after a couple weeks to go to counselling. It seemed to work and all seemed "ok." But then he went away for a weekend hockey tournament and the day he left I seemed to go downhill. By the time he got back I was in bad shape, unable to deal with my 3 year old son and not wanting him near me at all. That was the beginning of April..so here I am now not having a sweet clue how to get the feelings back. I don't want him to touch me, hug me, talk sweetly - nothing. How did you get the feelings back?? I just feel insignificant and so disconnected to him and I am frustrated that the feelings just aren't there. He desperately wants to try but I can't seem to budge. I have been on medication for two weeks now..the last couple of days have seemed to improve but I still find myself avoiding him. I wish I could feel something differnent towards him..it's very difficult.
You need to go sort out what you're feeling and thinking by talking to a counsellor. Not marriage counselling yet, as you're not ready for that, but someone who can help you cope with this so you can function day to day and not let this kill you.
Smartgirl, I found out about the affair at the end of January this year. I have flip-flopped twice about letting him back into my life. The first time was too soon - he was back in the house in less than a week and we seemed to have a whirlwind romance. That didn't last long and then it came crashing down again. He moved to a friends house and this time we decided after a couple weeks to go to counselling. It seemed to work and all seemed "ok." But then he went away for a weekend hockey tournament and the day he left I seemed to go downhill. By the time he got back I was in bad shape, unable to deal with my 3 year old son and not wanting him near me at all. That was the beginning of April..so here I am now not having a sweet clue how to get the feelings back. I don't want him to touch me, hug me, talk sweetly - nothing. How did you get the feelings back?? I just feel insignificant and so disconnected to him and I am frustrated that the feelings just aren't there. He desperately wants to try but I can't seem to budge. I have been on medication for two weeks now..the last couple of days have seemed to improve but I still find myself avoiding him. I wish I could feel something differnent towards him..it's very difficult.
This is way too soon and too fresh for you to give up hope. You have to be prepared for a journey of several years probably. The experts recommend trying to reconnect physically, even if you don't feel like it at first. I don't necessarily mean intercourse, but at least some handholding and such and then work your way up. In my case the more I did that, the better I felt. When I pulled away and stopped the touching I felt way worse and felt like I never wanted him to touch me again. I started back, after we had a big blow up conversation, and began to feel better again. Give it a try and hang in there with it.
Feelings can and do come back. Statistically, most marriages survive after a divorce. Many are ultimately better, healthier relationships because the couple has been forced to deal with relationship issues that they had previously not understood or avoided dealing with.
The betrayal is certainly hard to get over. On the one hand, I know it is impossible not to take something like that personally. On the other hand, it is likely that the reason he had the affair has more to do with him and his own baggage. Many, many men who have affairs believe it is something personal that they need, that it is separate from their love for their wife and that their wife will never find out or be hurt by it. But these things can never be contained the way people imagine and the more intimate the A partners get, the harder it is to back out.
It was helpful to me to get a full understanding of what led my H to get involved, to know he understood that and that he understood how to keep it from happening again. Like many people who wind up in affairs, he became friendly with the woman at work. Once they started going to lunch, they began to talk about their personal lives and that led to increasing feelings of intimacy. MarriageBuilders.com describes this brilliantly in "how affairs start." IMO, fully understanding how he let this happen was the path to having empathy, the realization that I might have been vulnerable to the same thing and then ultimately to some kind of forgiveness.
Expect these up and down cycles. One day you will feel all better and the next angry and bitter. Don't feel there is anything wrong with you because you aren't all better already or because the healing doesn't go in a straight upward trajectory. It goes up and down, that is just the way it is.
Pace yourself and try to let him get close again. We walked everynight and talked about the A during the walks. That kept it out of the house and mostly contained. He answered all my questions and that was really important too. We started MC with a really good Dr about 5 months and that helped tremendously.
I don't know what to do..my husband had a year long affair and a close connection with the other woman. I found out through his phone - lots of text messages and he confessed. He immediately stopped all contact with her and is extremely remorseful. I just don't know if I can accept the past..I look at him differently now
Of course you do, and its absolutely understandable. You now know he is a cheater. I don't blame you.
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and I look at myself differently, like I wasn't good enough.
Nobody is ever good enough for a cheater, don't be hard on yourself. You shouldn't look at yourself that way. He is the one with the problem, not you.
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It was ok for him to cheat for a year but now once caught he professes his love for me and wants to do everything to save our marriage. We did have a great marriage for quite a while and I don't know what happened, I guess we stopped taking time for each other..we would fight about it sometimes..saying we need to work on our "roomate" relationship and be more like husband and wife. I admit I did not show as much affection as when we were first together..but I didn't deserve this.
No you didn't. Here is the thing. Marriages cool off. And they are alot of hard work. Its the lazy and selfish spouses that go out and gratify themselves at their BS's expense.
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I suffer from depression and I am finally getting help - things just hit the breaking point I guess. Because of my lack of affection in the past I am worried that maybe I am no longer attracted to him as a husband.
If anything makes you less attracted to him, it should be the fact that he isn't trustworthy. have you considered divorce?
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He tells me that he needs to feel wanted and needed and that is part of the reason that he turned elsewhere
Oh geez, everyone does. If he feels the need to be wanted, then maybe marriage isn't for him. Because like it or not, marriages cool down. Not saying they can't be good, but if anyone says they can have a marriage with all the passion and newness of when they first got married, then they are lying, or just naive.
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..a friend turned into something more and he calls it the biggest mistake of his life and that he should of had the courage to tell me he was not feeling fulfilled but he felt that I was too fragile because of my depression. I am afraid to try because I constantly feel inadequate as a wife because he went elsewhere and had such an emotional connection with her. I also don't know if I have what it takes to give him what he needs...I feel so overwhelmed with the decision to stay or go.
Well you are going to have alot of people tell you to work on the marriage. And that is a viable option.
I'll give it to you from my perspective. In my opinion, no good will come to you and you will not find happiness and peace by staying with a cheater.
Even if you get to a point where you are fairly happy again with him, there are still going to be times where you will look at him and see "cheater" written across his forehead. These thoughts, although can diminish over time, will come back to haunt you from time to time.
While most will say you can work it out, I always say to get rid of a cheater.
its a call only you can make. But ask yourself, no matter how hard you work on this marriage, or no matter how hard he works, can you honestly say you will be happy waking up to him every day for the rest of your life knowing what he did to you?
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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