In Search Of...Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.
I am apparently the kind of woman who is "great .. .BUT! How exactly is one "great. . but." I am still young, 27 to be exact and I have only been in 4 relationships, all lasting 1 year or more. My partners and I have all ended on somewhat good terms, but my only concern is that eventually, they all "come back" to me. I mean. . .3 out of my last 4 have told me, that they wish they would have realized what they had when they had it.
Well, ya know what. ..I wish that too. I wish that I could find a man that was nice and sweet (Yes, I truly love the good guys, guy next door, sweethearts), and not willing to ask "how high" when i say jump. I want a man under 40, who can understand that a 27 year old can have her head on straight, that understands I am strong and independent but that i still want a partner in life that is stronger and more independent. Someone who understands that me having a child (only one) is not a bad thing, but something that makes me stronger and more determined. A man that can comprehend that "drama" is not synonomous with "woman" nor with "child."
Why is that I attract the 40 something year olds...that all the 20 somethings date me, break-up with me, then determine that I may have been a prize afterall. . . and that I can not for the life of me find a man in my age range (which in general means closer to my age than to that of my dad who is indeed 47 years old.) Why. ..seriously. .. can anyone tell me what is wrong with me or perhaps them? Maybe i should try therapy.
Seems to me, based on this one post, that the problem isn't you -it's them. You have to be yourself, and if they can't appreciate who you are and how lucky they are to have found you, then they aren't the right person for you.
I've gotten the "great...BUT" speech from my last two love interests. Both times it was (is) incredibly hard to reconcile myself with those two sentiments. But the fact of the matter is that there shouldn't be a BUT if he's the right man.
You just have to keep looking until find the man who says that you're "great...AND".
First and foremost I do agree one has to be as close to oneself as can be. But, one has to realize, what one is may not be where most people are. You that these guys break up with you and realize that you were the kind of woman they wanted...Did you think about taking them back? Or were you afraid that they would leave you again?
Second, you think too highly of yourself and too high maintenance for most guys your age. Why? Because, they are busy working on enjoying life with the money the earn. And most are not making that much money for to waste on something that is usually too temporary. And many aren't looking to settle down. And I probably would not put down I am looking for someone stronger and more independent then you are...It makes you seem clingy and weak and like a gold digger.
A real man AND woman knows drama is synonymous with men, women, and children. Why? Because we ALL have issues that we bring and rares its ugly head in relationships. So, if you are trying to avoid drama...Forget about it. Now be concerned about WHAT kind of drama you are not looking for (like baby's momma drama, maintaining a job drama, can't keep my thing in my pants drama).
Why is it that you attract the 40 somethings? Easy, if you claim to be at the level you say you are, usually men starting in the mid-30's are ready to fully settle down or have been at a place long enough to make it a career and to have started to build up some funds.
Now the question you should be asking your exes is, what is the "but"? What is it that I am doing or not doing to make you know I am the one for you? That was the first thing. Second, a guy who won't ask you how high? And you want a real man? Or do you also jump without asking how high when your man ask you? Only fools jump without knowing. For all a person know, they could be jumping into a lifetime of debt without thinking about it. They blindingly obeying could lead you both into something you both don't want because he wasn't smart enough to be the voice of reason.
So, yeah, be yourself and you might find the guy willing to stick in there with you. But, will he really be the man that is right for you? Yeah, be yourself and YOU might be the one pushing the right guy into other women's arms.
Why is that I attract the 40 something year olds...that all the 20 somethings date me, break-up with me, then determine that I may have been a prize afterall. . . and that I can not for the life of me find a man in my age range (which in general means closer to my age than to that of my dad who is indeed 47 years old.)
Well, having once been a 26 year old dating a 25 year old with a 2 year old son, I can tell ya the answer to that.
The average 20 something guy today just doesn't want the responsibility that comes with having a kid (our society has extended "youth" to a ridiculously long time frame, and nowadays nobody wants to think about growing up till they are in their 30's). Or, if they don't mind the responsibility of having a child, they want it to be their own.
The good news is that just describes the majority, but not all guys. I'd consider it quite a complement that these guys inevitably end up having second thoughts. Convincing a boy to grow up and be a man is increasingly hard these days, and you've damn near done it 3 times!
Anyway, all you can do is keep trying. Consider an older bachelor maybe. A guy in his mid/late 30's (still young, but more mature), who is intelligent enough not to stereotype you and treat you like a child. Hell, the brain starts shrinking past the age of 30, so in some ways you are more capable of making logical and rational decisions than him. Almost every mathematical breakthrough of any importance was made by someone before the age of 40. Never underestimate the power of youth. Think of it as a weapon, hee hee. You'd probably be the apple of his eye, and have him utterly enchanted.
One reason you may be attracting older men is because you have a child. That (IMO) makes you seem more mature. I also think that after young guys date single young girls for a while they would reflect and appreciate your mature nature. However, I also think your having a child may be a turn off to younger guys in having a lasting relationship. Most of them still want to marry and be the first to impregnate their wife.
but that i still want a partner in life that is stronger and more independent.
Make certain you're not looking for someone to take care of you and adopt your child. This kind of responsibility would scare the bejeezus out of any 20 to 30-something man.
Most 40-something men tend to be divorced, sometimes with children of their own. This will come with some baggage but a 40-something man who's not divorced, sends up a big red flag.
__________________ Get busy living or get busy dying!
One reason you may be attracting older men is because you have a child. That (IMO) makes you seem more mature. I also think that after young guys date single young girls for a while they would reflect and appreciate your mature nature. However, I also think your having a child may be a turn off to younger guys in having a lasting relationship. Most of them still want to marry and be the first to impregnate their wife.
I wouldn't go out with a woman with a child, it's just too much baggage and most 40 year old men I've met feel the same way; hence why a lot of men in their 40's like dating women in their 20's and 30's who do not have children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trialbyfire
a 40-something man who's not divorced, sends up a big red flag.
Can you clarify this please, TBF - It sounds as though any 40 year old man who doesn't have baggage must either be lying and does e.g has a wife and 2.4 children or is single without baggage for a reason. If this is what you are saying, you forgot option c) he has had a fulfilled life, travelling and enjoying his freedom and you forgot option d) he hasn't found the one.
Most 40-something men tend to be divorced, sometimes with children of their own. This will come with some baggage but a 40-something man who's not divorced, sends up a big red flag.
Sorry had to laugh at that ... I was told by my daughter today that I should try to find a man without kids; I said they don't exist at that age generally - she told me that there must be 40 year old virgins out there!
Sorry had to laugh at that ... I was told by my daughter today that I should try to find a man without kids; I said they don't exist at that age generally - she told me that there must be 40 year old virgins out there!
Sorry had to laugh at that ... I was told by my daughter today that I should try to find a man without kids; I said they don't exist at that age generally - she told me that there must be 40 year old virgins out there!
and you would want a 40 year old virgin why exactly ?? ROFL
The average 20 something guy today just doesn't want the responsibility that comes with having a kid (our society has extended "youth" to a ridiculously long time frame, and nowadays nobody wants to think about growing up till they are in their 30's).
What he said. I do believe electric is the only mature 20 year old male in his generation. Or at the very least, extremely insightful.
I don't want one ... it's my daughter that thinks it might be 'easier' for me .. rather than men giving me the runaround!!! Not sure how she worked that out?!?! The mind of a 13yr old!
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The one who got away?
Run!!!!!!
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