I am new here and I am hoping for some advice concerning my unrequited feelings over a co-worker. A little backgound to start: I am 33 and married for 9 years with no kids. My marriage had been going well until I started developing these feelings for my co-worker. He is 32, never married but lives with his GF. He is rather quiet and shy, and little boring personality-wise. We work varied schedules due to the nature of our jobs (he is a pilot and I am a flight attendant ). We usually work together two or three times a month, so I don't get to see him as often as I like. When we do work together I try to be the head flight attendant so that I can have the most interaction with him. I see who he's flying with and I get jealous if I think he might be attracted to them more than me. We've been getting to know each other more during the past couple of months, and my feelings for him have really started to grow. When we work together I tease him mearcilessly, even to the point where he once asked me "Why are you so mean to me?" I told him it's like when you're in third grade, when you like someone you throw dirt at them or pull their hair . I thought our friendship was progressing nicely until yesterday...
He and his GF, my husband and I, and another co-worker and her BF are going to a concert next month. Yesterday I mentioned to him that the other four of us are getting together for drinks before the show and I invited him and his GF to join us. He said no!!! He said his GF doesn't drink so they couldn't go. He used to drink (I have been out to dinner with him and other co-workers where he drank) but he said he has to stay away from booze . Now I feel like a complete fool because I feel like he has rejected me . We still talked afterwards like it was no big deal, but I was really hurt and upset for the rest of the day (in fact I still am, here it is over 24 hours later and I still can't let it go!). I mentioned it to the other co-worker and I asked her if she thought maybe he would be uncomfortable hanging around with us with his GF present. She said it could be that, or it could be that he is boring and has no life!! He does say he likes to sleep a lot on his days off, and I tease him that he's the most boring person in the world. My husband and I drink very rarely so it's not like we'd be getting drunk an having an orgy before the show! I asked my co-worker if she thought it was because he didn't like me and she said "No, he fancies he pants off you." (She is English, so I guess that means he likes me a lot!). Nobody we work with has any idea that a have a huge crush on him , and I think they would be surprised if they found out (both of us are quiet and shy compared with many of our outgoing co-workers). I never thought I'd pursue any contact outside of work with him, so I don't know why I asked him to come out with us . Another co-worker told me his GF is the jealous type, so I'm hoping he just doesn't want her to feel uncomfortable around us and not that he doesn't want to hang out with me. My husband is suspicious of him because he has caught me looking at pictures I've taken of my co-workers (including my crush) so he knows I like this guy a little (okay, a lot) more than I should! Actually, my husband would not be happy having drinks with him and his GF either, so I don't know what I would have done if he had said yes!! I just wish I'd kept my big mouth shut instead of acting like a moron and getting hurt .
What do you all think about the situation? I'll be working with him the day after the concert (it's three weeks away), so what should I say to him? "Sorry you couldn't join us beforehand, we had a great time" or should I stop embarrassing myself and let it drop? This is really bothering me. I wish I had kept my fantasy in my head and out of real life. Now I feel hurt and rejected and I can't tell anyone IRL about this . I just wish I could get over my "schoolgirl crush" feelings and be happy in my marriage again. My H loves me dearly and would do anything for me, so why do I have these feelings over a guy who I have no chance to be with?? I know my marriage has become "routine" but after 9 years of marriage it's hard to keep the flame going and I think my crush provides a means of escape from the ordinary doldrums of life. Does anyone have any suggestions to help me heal and move on? All thoughts and opinions greatly appreciated.
1) IC to try to work out why you're feeling these feelings.
2) Talk to your husband. Tell him what you just told us. Don't make it out to be worse than it is. What you described isn't that bad (so far). Maybe you just need more attention from H. I promise this will get his attention.
Any shared intimacies, like relationship talk (talking about each other's relationships)?
Sounds like you have a firm grip on reality. I'd just let nature take its course and the feelings will subside. I tend to believe that we look to others for qualities which we feel we lack. Can you identify anything about him that stands out? Perhaps understanding the psychology of your attraction to him (I assume you initiated here) can help you with your marriage.
I am just curious how you would feel if the roles were reversed and your husband had a crush like this with another woman? How would you feel if he asked this girl to have a double date with you and him? I think what you tried to do shows total disrespect to your husband. You wanted your husband to have drinks with a guy you have a major crush on. This is so disrespectful and humiliating to your husband. Surely your husband deserves a little bit better than this from you. I think you had some perverse thought of getting excited just being with this OM for drinks in front of your husband. Why would you do such a thing to a spouse who adores you? Keep up what you are doing and I am sure you will be single soon.
Oh, forgot a concrete suggestion....can you bid for other duty cycle/routes to avoid contact with your crush? I know that's hard if you work for a regional, but I would try.
Hello all!
Thanks for your responses, they have been thought provoking to say the least! I shall address them individually:
Reboot:
1. I don't think counseling would really work for me. I have been in couseling before when I was struggling with an eating disorder and I always found it difficult to open up and share my feelings with my therapist. I find it difficult to open up to people IRL so that makes traditional talk therapy ineffective for me.
2. My husband is aware that I have feelings for my crush; however, he doens't realize how deeply I feel for him. He found some photos of my crush on my laptop (I have lots of work photos of various pilots and FA's) and he caught me looking at his pictures when my H was out of the room. My H confronted me about him and I told him I found my crush attractive but there was nothing going on between us. So my H knows there is an attraction on my part, but I didn't tell him exactly how much I am attracted to OM.
Carhill:
As far as shared intimacies, he knows I am married and as a matter of fact I talk about my H quite a bit around him. OM knows what H does for a living, where he is from, how we met, how long we've been married, etc. He asked me if I wanted kids and I said no. He asked me why and we discussed having kids (he doesn't want any either). I know the same things about his GF as he does about my H. He recently bought a house so I asked him "So, are you ready to get married and have kids?" To which he replied, "Heck no, let me digest the house first." I get the impression that his GF would like to get married but he is the one with the cold feet.
Funnily enough, I am not sure why I have become so attached to this
guy, there are better looking pilots with more outgoing personalities that would jump at the chance to have an affair with a FA. In fact, there are several relationships between pilots and FA's at our base. One FA who dated several pilots was interested in my crush and he turned her down. He is very smart and shy socially, traits which we have in common. We have a strange relationship: I tease and joke with him and just recently he has started to open up more to me (he is not outgoing in the least, it's a struggle to get him to talk about himself). I am slowly getting him to come out of his shell and I guess it's a challenge to find out about him.
We usually get different schedules but I trade trips with other FA's in order to work with him. We didn't have any trips together this month, but I ended up getting 4 trips (one a week) with him in the end and I have one trip with him next month (the day after the concert, so we should have a lot to talk about). I know I should attempt NC, but stupidly I try to get to work with him.
Bryanp:
I don't feel that I disrespected my H as strongly as you do. In fact, my H has been to dinner with other pilot co-workers of mine and he enjoys socializing with my friends from work. It was not a "double date" as there would have been three couples (one of the other couples is my best friend and her BF) so I didn't feel it would have been inappropriate. I told my H that we had invited him to go out with us and my H didn't seem too bothered by it (now, if he'd said yes it might have been a different story). If my H had a crush on a female co-worker if his I would accept it if he did not have a physical relationship with her, just as I have not had any physical contact with my crush. To me, a physically intimate relationship with another person is crossing the line. I know I have no chance of this with my crush, so I guess that's what makes my crush so safe yet frustrating at the same time.
I do hope time will diminish my feelings for him; however, the opposite seems to be true. We have worked together for over 2 years now (really only during the past year have we worked together often) and in the last six months my feelings for him have really gotten strong. I know I should attempt NC, but I am weak and I love the escape that fantasizing about him brings. I guess I shouldn't have tried to bring my fantasy out IRL (no matter how small a step) so that way I would have at least thought I had a chance with him (even if realistically I know I don't). Sorry to ramble on and on, but I have found this board to be very insightful and I hope this dialogue will continue to help me sort out my confusion!
Hello everyone !
What do you all think about the situation? I'll be working with him the day after the concert (it's three weeks away), so what should I say to him? "Sorry you couldn't join us beforehand, we had a great time" or should I stop embarrassing myself and let it drop? This is really bothering me. I wish I had kept my fantasy in my head and out of real life. Now I feel hurt and rejected and I can't tell anyone IRL about this . I just wish I could get over my "schoolgirl crush" feelings and be happy in my marriage again. My H loves me dearly and would do anything for me, so why do I have these feelings over a guy who I have no chance to be with?? I know my marriage has become "routine" but after 9 years of marriage it's hard to keep the flame going and I think my crush provides a means of escape from the ordinary doldrums of life. Does anyone have any suggestions to help me heal and move on? All thoughts and opinions greatly appreciated.
Thanks for listening!!
Monet
What do you do? You say nothing to this guy and grow up. You are married. You aren't in high school anymore.
Marriage is hard work...so work on it. Of course things become routine in a marriage. It happens to every marriage to some degree.
So you work on your marriage. If you aren't wanting to work on it are more interested in feeling like a giddy schoolgirl, then get out of the marriage. Afterall, you have no kids. So work on it, or leave it. And for god's sake, grow up.
What do you do? You say nothing to this guy and grow up. You are married. You aren't in high school anymore.
Marriage is hard work...so work on it. Of course things become routine in a marriage. It happens to every marriage to some degree.
So you work on your marriage. If you aren't wanting to work on it are more interested in feeling like a giddy schoolgirl, then get out of the marriage. Afterall, you have no kids. So work on it, or leave it. And for god's sake, grow up.
I completely agree with this. He's on the money...and I don't always agree with Twice Shy's approach.
I'd also add a couple more things. First off, you need to improve your communication with your H. You know that your H 'is jealous of' OM...but that is NOT the same as admitting to your H that you are infatuated with OM. This IS a borderline EA because you're hiding that fact from your H, and are trying to rationalize becoming more involved with OM by setting it up so that your H is included in this as well. My wife did the same thing in HER EA as well.
So, right off the bat you need to be honest with your H about your "crush". Tell him the truth, and work out a way to break out of the crush and improve your marriage instead.
Second, you need to recognize that your behavior is putting you at risk for affairs in general. You already know that your profession places you at more risk for this because of the long times away from home, the fact that you have a lot more "opportunity to get away with it" than most professions, and that its almost an accepted part of the job in a lot of places. What are you doing to MINIMIZE the risk to you marriage in this regard???
Try to do a reschedule so you're not flying with OM anymore. Be up front and honest with your H about what you're feeling, and find ways to protect your marriage from this going any further...and from any future affairs as well.
__________________
Wise...no. Been through enough to have learned to value wisdom...certainly!
Well I thank you both for responding. Twice_shy, I believe you have a valid point; however, I do not appreciate being told to "grow up and stop acting like a giddy schoolgirl." Although your message may have a grain of truth, the anger with which you chose to deliver it leaves me questioning the validity of your approach. Owl, I thank you for delivering a similar message in a constructive, not destructive way. Yes, there are issues in my marriage that need to be resolved, but my H is hardly the patron saint of perfection most seem to have deemed him. I have stood by him during times in our M when his actions have caused stress in our lives and I have never been anything but loving and supportive in the 9 years we've been married until now. Over the last 6 months I have developed a crush on a co-worker which will never progress beyond the realm of fantasy. I have never had the desire to cheat previously during our marriage, so I find your suggestion that I have the propensity to become a serial cheater quite laughable. In fact, I am known for being quiet and "flying under the radar" at work. Yesterday, some colleagues were talking about another co-worker who has dated several pilots and my friend said "Monet's not that type of girl, she's a good girl." As a matter of fact, another pilot that I work with asked me to go out with him after work last night and of course I turned him down (he is married and has hung out with my H and I in the past and we are all close friends). He is moving to another base and wanted to say goodbye, but I turned him down because I felt it would have been an awkward situation. So the opportunity for me to cheat on my H is definitely present, but I would like to think I have the moral fortitude to say no when I need to. Yes, I went too far with my crush and I regret asking him out with us. I would have been very uncomfortable if he had agreed to go out with us, as it isn't my fantasy to flirt with another man in front of my H. I wish I had never asked him to go out with us, it's caused nothing but heartache and I wish I had kept my big mouth shut. I would rather not tell my H about my feelings for the OM, but I would like to try and get over my crush and on with my life. Any suggestions for moving on??
Well I thank you both for responding. Twice_shy, I believe you have a valid point; however, I do not appreciate being told to "grow up and stop acting like a giddy schoolgirl."
For the time being, handling all opposite sex situations like you did with the most recent pilot would be a good start. Additionally, no non-professional contact with your crush. If you have to fly with him, excellent, but don't go out of your way to schedule flights with him.
Work on building some new intimacy with your husband. Be proactive.
End of the month... don't let the schedule kill ya' (it's always crazy time on UA)
You don't want to tell him about your "crush"...but that's leaving the door open for this kind of behavior in the future. This is a huge thing...if you believe that walling off your H from your feelings and such is positive...that's going to remain a huge potential failure point in your marriage.
I'm not accusing you of being a potential serial cheater...what I AM saying is that if you don't make changes, you're going to remain at risk for it to happen again. There's a distinction.
Other than that, I've given you suggestions, and the response you got from Carhill is right on the money too.
If you wish to have better communications with your husband then you need to communicate with him and tell him your feelings and what you are going through. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you wish for your husband to be open and honest about his feelings toward somebody else. The choice is either honesty and openness or dishonesty and secrets. Which do you want in your marriage? How can he be a partner to you in your time of need if you will not let him in? I wish you luck.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
An EA or a Crush?
!
). We usually work together two or three times a month, so I don't get to see him as often as I like. When we do work together I try to be the head flight attendant so that I can have the most interaction with him. I see who he's flying with and I get jealous if I think he might be attracted to them more than me. We've been getting to know each other more during the past couple of months, and my feelings for him have really started to grow. When we work together I tease him mearcilessly, even to the point where he once asked me "Why are you so mean to me?" I told him it's like when you're in third grade, when you like someone you throw dirt at them or pull their hair 
. I thought our friendship was progressing nicely until yesterday...
He said his GF doesn't drink so they couldn't go. He used to drink (I have been out to dinner with him and other co-workers where he drank) but he said he has to stay away from booze 
. We still talked afterwards like it was no big deal, but I was really hurt and upset for the rest of the day (in fact I still am, here it is over 24 hours later and I still can't let it go!). I mentioned it to the other co-worker and I asked her if she thought maybe he would be uncomfortable hanging around with us with his GF present. She said it could be that, or it could be that he is boring and has no life!! 
He does say he likes to sleep a lot on his days off, and I tease him that he's the most boring person in the world. My husband and I drink very rarely so it's not like we'd be getting drunk an having an orgy before the show! 
I asked my co-worker if she thought it was because he didn't like me and she said "No, he fancies he pants off you." (She is English, so I guess that means he likes me a lot!). Nobody we work with has any idea that a have a huge crush on him 
, and I think they would be surprised if they found out (both of us are quiet and shy compared with many of our outgoing co-workers). I never thought I'd pursue any contact outside of work with him, so I don't know why I asked him to come out with us 
. Another co-worker told me his GF is the jealous type, so I'm hoping he just doesn't want her to feel uncomfortable around us and not that he doesn't want to hang out with me. My husband is suspicious of him because he has caught me looking at pictures I've taken of my co-workers (including my crush) so he knows I like this guy a little (okay, a lot) more than I should! Actually, my husband would not be happy having drinks with him and his GF either, so I don't know what I would have done if he had said yes!! I just wish I'd kept my big mouth shut instead of acting like a moron and getting hurt 
feelings and be happy in my marriage again. My H loves me dearly and would do anything for me, so why do I have these feelings over a guy who I have no chance to be with?? I know my marriage has become "routine" but after 9 years of marriage it's hard to keep the flame going and I think my crush provides a means of escape from the ordinary doldrums of life. Does anyone have any suggestions to help me heal and move on? All thoughts and opinions greatly appreciated. 
Thanks everyone for responding!
Ouch!
Linear Mode
