My close friend for 22 years forwarded me a mass email yesterday full of hateful comments about other nations and ethnic groups. We went to high school and college together, but have been living in separate states for the past 15 years. Apparently, we have grown apart more than I ever thought possible.
I don't want to disclose the exact contents of the email, but it was an affront to everything I stand for and believe in. For example, it referred to the third world as a "hell hole" that didn't deserve our help, and I am very involved with a particular third world country and have been there several times recently. She knows this. The email upset me so much that I was shaking and seeing spots.
I responded that I was hurt and offended by the email, and asked her to please not send me anything like this ever again. Her response shocked me, because not only did she not apologize, but defended the whole email and said she had a right to her opinion.
After the exchange of several emails, I ended the friendship, telling her that prejudice is a divide I cannot cross with anyone. She basically called me a hypocrite for ending the friendship just because we had different beliefs. I explained that I can deal with different beliefs (I have friends of other religious and political beliefs) but that this was a matter of basic human decency to me.
I feel like I did the right thing by standing up for my beliefs. So why do I still feel so horrible today? I can't think about anything else. It just makes me so, so sad, and I there isn't anyone around right now for me to talk to about it.
I'm sorry to hear this. It's difficult to sever a long-term friendship. It sounds like you've left her far, far behind, as well as changing in a positive direction instead of a negative one.
One of my old, old friends has stepped backwards like your friend. I haven't had anything to do with him for a long time, although another friend of mine bumped into him recently and is appalled by his attitudes. Bigotry tends to be fear-based and can be exasperated by the types of people they interact with.
Leave those redneckians behind. Your life is so much more worthwhile than to keep negative influences in it.
__________________ Get busy living or get busy dying!
Thank you for saying that. The hardest part was that she didn't waver at all, even though I told her how offended and hurt I was. She was completely steadfast in her beliefs. I told her I didn't know who she was anymore. When someone can wholeheartedly support hatred toward other people and nations (in fact, saying they deserve to be terrorized) I find it both sick and frightening.
I actually felt like the bad guy for ending the friendship, even though I felt it was the right thing to do. She was the one person I honestly had expected would be in my life forever. So life continues to confound my expectations.
She basically called me a hypocrite for ending the friendship just because we had different beliefs
As people get older, values change and if she can't respect your request NOT to forward those types of emails to you, then it means she has no respect for the friendship. If you two don't share the same belief system that would cause a rift in the friendship and you probably would have grown apart in the future anyway, if it wasn't this it would have been something else..
22 years is a long friendship, and I'm sure that is why you're hurting. She's been in your life for a long time. It's okay to grieve the loss, give yourself time to heal..
I'm always torn when it comes to friends who have different views than my own. Sometimes it is hard to know the line between what is and isn't okay to just agree to not agree about.
My family is largely fundamental christian and I no longer agree with a lot of their beliefs. They believe gay people should be shunned, avoided, and are going to hell. I have many gay friends who would be hurt by their views. In the end though, they are family and I still deal with them. We just don't talk about the subject and I leave when they wish to talk about it around me. My grandfather hates pretty much everybody and we all just sorta tune him out.
I have friends that I consider to be family. I have not always agreed with their ideas or actions, but I would have a hard time cutting them out of my life permanently.
One of my guy friends sent me a group email similar to what your friend sent you. It was full of racial and anti-gay propaganda and he knows I don't think like that. The titled was "I didn't write it, but I agree with it."
I sent him back an erotic interracial gay story I found and titled it "I didn't write this either, but I agree with it". He got very mad and called me ranting about why I would send him something so disgusting when I know he doesn't like that kind of stuff. I told him it was no secret to him that I have friends of color and friends that are gay, so why would he think I would want the email he sent to me? He said he was trying to get through to me.......
I guess some people just can't let anyone have a different opinion and I recognize it is sometimes hard to do. I left the choice to end the friendship rest on his shoulders; I haven't heard from him since. Because it was his choice, I don't lose any sleep over it.
I agree with you and would of ended the relationship as well. There is one thing to have one's opinion and another to step on your's when you ask not to be included in such activities. I commend you for standing up for your beliefs and being a much wiser person.
I sent him back an erotic interracial gay story I found and titled it "I didn't write this either, but I agree with it". He got very mad and called me ranting about why I would send him something so disgusting when I know he doesn't like that kind of stuff.
I'm always torn when it comes to friends who have different views than my own. Sometimes it is hard to know the line between what is and isn't okay to just agree to not agree about.
My family is largely fundamental christian and I no longer agree with a lot of their beliefs. They believe gay people should be shunned, avoided, and are going to hell. I have many gay friends who would be hurt by their views. In the end though, they are family and I still deal with them. We just don't talk about the subject and I leave when they wish to talk about it around me. My grandfather hates pretty much everybody and we all just sorta tune him out.
I have friends that I consider to be family. I have not always agreed with their ideas or actions, but I would have a hard time cutting them out of my life permanently.
One of my guy friends sent me a group email similar to what your friend sent you. It was full of racial and anti-gay propaganda and he knows I don't think like that. The titled was "I didn't write it, but I agree with it."
I sent him back an erotic interracial gay story I found and titled it "I didn't write this either, but I agree with it". He got very mad and called me ranting about why I would send him something so disgusting when I know he doesn't like that kind of stuff. I told him it was no secret to him that I have friends of color and friends that are gay, so why would he think I would want the email he sent to me? He said he was trying to get through to me.......
I guess some people just can't let anyone have a different opinion and I recognize it is sometimes hard to do. I left the choice to end the friendship rest on his shoulders; I haven't heard from him since. Because it was his choice, I don't lose any sleep over it.
Hi.
Be standing up for your beliefs. That's my advice. I really hate to argue with someone about such activities. Different education system raises the people with different opinion, but we can keep our beliefs and share the agreed points. Then the world can be peaceful.
There are minor differences of opinion and others that can't be tolerated. Bigotry and racism are two that come to mind. The other side of coin is that we've become too politically correct and oversensitive when it comes to certain jokes or off the cuff comments but if someone were to send me something deadly serious about either one of these, I would question and more than likely sever the friendship, reliant on the level of hate propaganda being sent.
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but that this was a matter of basic human decency to me.
This excerpt from garnet's OP, says it all for me.
I'm sorry man, I know how much it hurts to have someone do this. I would try to sort it out, or move on, as easy it sounds to move on, it could take years, do what you feel is right in order to move on, I'm so sorry.
I am astonished people would even send emails like that. Why? Don't they have anything better to do?
The only forwarded group emails I get are either jokes or petitions to save something.
I hardly ever read them, and I never ever send them on.
I know, I thought it was pretty widely accepted these days that mass emails are annoying. She's been sending about one per week for the past year. Usually they're harmless. A few have had political or religious content, and I've just rolled my eyes and hit delete.
BUT unfortunately this time I was not able to do that. I don't expect that we'll ever speak again, and while the whole situation was painful, I'm actually fine with that outcome.
It is sad that your friend didn't love and respect you enough to listen to you and honor your wishes. I have been friends with some people since kindergarten, but others have fallen by the wayside as our views and values changed. I don't approve of adultery, but I had a friend who didn't see things the same way and had a child with a MM. We parted company.
You did what was best for you and you are hurting because you are ending a long time relationship. It is normal to hurt, your compassion is evident in your actions and opinions. Don't loose that.
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