[Laurenwho]

How do you make female friends? I seem to have no problem talking to and keeping in touch with guy friends (I've hung out with more of them then my female friends) I am somewhat introverted and hate being around groups of people (do better one on one) so it is difficult to meet new people. Everyone I work with is WAY older than I am (except for the few guys I am friends with there). It seems my luck with female friends is always the same- bad. Here are some examples. I was best friends with this girl for years- loved her like a sister. We were very close since grade school thru college. After colllege she got married and moved away. We still kept in touch over the phone though. After she was married about two years it turned to just emails. Now its nothing at all. I've tried to keep in touch but she isn't interested. She has a daughter now and won't even send me pictures of her. she just doesn't see any reason to keep in touch because she lives 8 hrs away and she's married and has a child and I"m not and I dont.

I used to be very close to my cousin who is a year younger than me. Then she had kids (she's was never married and isn't with her sons' father anymore. I've tried being a part of her life and including her and her sons in things that I do and she wants no part of it. she says she cant' relate to me anymore because she has children and I don't. Geez I don't go out clubbing, I'm perfectly fine going to the park with her and her kids or something. But she isn't interested.

I met a woman a few years younger than me at work. We hit it off right away and talked constantly, went shopping, out to dinner etc. Shared boyfriend problems, confided in eachother. We weren't best friends but we were good friends. Well she got a promotion at work so we saw eachtoehr less. She started dating someone new and we still talked and confided in each other etc. As soon as she got married, she dropped me. Didn't invite me to her wedding (didn't invite anyone from work) and though we are polite when we see eachother she just doesn't have any interest in hanging out with anyone who isn't married. (she's said this herself).

I used to be very good friends with this girl I went to high school with. She have a lot of mutual friends and we used to do a "girls night out" once a week (even when we were both dating someone) this stopped about two year ago. but last summer my boyfriend and I went to her house for a 4th of July party. She got married in Sept of last year and after her wedding she has not spoken to me once!!! SHe sends me cards- christmas and halloween. But she will not return my calls or emails. I have asked another mutual friend is she is mad at me and she said no, that she just said we have nothing in common now that she is married and planning a family (should note the mutual friend I talked to about the situation who is friends with this girl is married and therefore acceptable to her I guess)

I have tried becoming friends with my boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend (now wife) and it seemed like we were getting a long at first and then she just stopped talking to both me and my boyfriend) I also tried to befriend my guy friend's girlfriend and it seemed to be going well until he told me she talks about me behind my back (is nice to my face and talks crap behind my back) he says she is jealous of my friendship with him and is intimidated by my looks (not sure if this is true).

even my own sister and I used to be great friends until she got married. Now if I really need her she will listen but as far as hanging out and stuff she rarely has time. It seems like I make the effort (and sometimes after years of friendship) once my female friends get married its like they think they belong to some exclusive club and drop me because they say we dont' have any thing in common anymore.

I was also close friends with a girl my friend was dating. We hung out a lot she confided in me etc and we got along really well. As soon as she started dating this new guy, she just blew me off and started spending all her time with him. I haven't talked to her in over two years.

I should point out that my best friend IS married and has a 4 year old son and she is still a sweet heart and we are still very close but in every other situation once the friend gets married, its "see ya".

I've also tried to befriend my boyfriend's two sisters at some point and that didn't work either. They are both married and have kids and basically told him "well she's nice but I don't have anything in common with her"

I'm not looking for friends to go out to bars with or anyting. Just female friends to talk to , go shopping with etc or just hang out with would be nice. how do you find female friends who don't drop you as soon as they get married?

[quankanne]

I'm wondering if you might be a bit of a looker and if that creates a problem once a female friend finds a guy of her own. You know, as in "well, can't hang around with her anymore because my man will chase after her" ...

or maybe these gals think you're interests are limited, and therefore you're not able to "grow" along with them?

personally, I think developing outside interests and hobbies is the best way to connect with folks, especially if you're not bothered by having way older or way younger friends who you've now got something in common to share with.

have a heart to heart with your best friend and ask her if there's something about you that makes people assume that you've got limited interests or would be uncomfortable having married friends. Because really, that's just too weird that so many people are willing to walk away from a friendship unless they feel threatened some how by you.

[nadiaj2727]

Can you think of any groups to join with people who share your own interests? If you like to write, a writer's group, read, a book club, run, a running club, ski, a skiing club, etc. The possibilities are endless... crafts, church, doggy play groups if you're into animals, etc. There's a site called meetup where you can meet local people who enjoy doing the same things as you. I don't know if you live in a city or a small town, of course it's easier in a city. Also a really good way to meet people is to volunteer. You can find areas to volunteer with online too... then you can meet people who believe in the same causes as you and like to help others.

I have this problem too because I'm shy and sometimes self-concious. Sometimes other people think I'm snobby or stand-offish. I am working on my people skills and I've learned you really have to get out there and make friends, not let them make you. Also it sounds like you might be passive, like me... have you confronted your friends who ditched you and let them know how it made you feel? You have to be friends with yourself first. I used to let friends walk all over me and then I was like, you know what, *I* have feelings and they can't just be trampled on like that. Maybe it was inadvertant or maybe there's a reason they could explain to you. Either way, you get to know more about yourself and your past friendships, and you can discern who is a good friend worth working on the relationship despite past problems or who needs to be chucked because they are too self-centered and don't care enough about your well-being.

I've realized that sometimes selfish people gravitate to me when they are needy, then forget about me when they're doing well. It's like I was an emotional sponge, soaking up other people's problems without dealing with my own or letting them know I wasn't a doormat to be stepped on. I had to weed out a few "moochers" and concentrate on people I thought were good and who really cared about me, even if they didn't "need" me as much as the ones who were always going through some dramatic episode and then deserting me when they found a guy to heap all their emotional issues on for awhile.

Just put some effort into:

1. Getting out there and meeting people
2. Finding a female or two you think would be good friend material
3. Working on developing that friendship
4. Seeing about talking to former friends who ditched you and determine why; let them know how that made you feel, even if it's hard; and
5. Be sure to keep in mind which friendships are balanced and healthy and which ones are needy, clingy, focused on the other person too much, neurotic, etc. Just like with relationships.

I can relate to you because this was an issue I had and I am working on bettering it. Now I have one really good friend and a couple pretty good friends. (That live where I currently do... I also have great friends I went to high school or college with that live thousands of miles away unfortunately.) I have cut some "moochers" out and I've realized it's better to have a few great friends you can rely on instead of a lot of iffy ones who you can't. Good luck.

[Laurenwho]

Thank you very much for the replys. I've asked my best friend if something is wrong with me, if I am pushing these women away and she told me this- she said that most people when they get married they see themselves as part of a different crowd and associate with those who are most like them. The funny thing about her is that she married young (21) and has a 4 year old. Up until THIS year she was not friends with anyone else who has a child. SHe has been married six years and until 2 yrs ago she did not have any other friends who were married. (now she has about eight married friends.) She says it is easier to discuss work with those who are also employed, easier to talk about kids with those who have them etc. She said some people are just lame and decide they are "too cool" for you once they are married and you are not) as in they feel they are more adult than you etc.

I live in a very small town. There are no clubs, groups etc anywhere near here. I volunteer at an animal rescue which I enjoy but haven't made any friends there other than just people to talk to while I'm there. I dont' mind being friends with anyone much older or much younger than me. Most of the time I hang out with my aunt (in her 50's) or a friend's mom- same age because my friends are too busy. I don't have a lot of interests- I love doing just about anything with my boyfriend or my friends. I like outdoor activities, movies, shopping, biking etc. I just think the people I become friends with seem to think that being married means you are of a hihger social class and you don't associate with anyone whose not.

[nadiaj2727]

Originally Posted by Laurenwho

Thank you very much for the replys. I've asked my best friend if something is wrong with me, if I am pushing these women away and she told me this- she said that most people when they get married they see themselves as part of a different crowd and associate with those who are most like them. The funny thing about her is that she married young (21) and has a 4 year old. Up until THIS year she was not friends with anyone else who has a child. SHe has been married six years and until 2 yrs ago she did not have any other friends who were married. (now she has about eight married friends.) She says it is easier to discuss work with those who are also employed, easier to talk about kids with those who have them etc. She said some people are just lame and decide they are "too cool" for you once they are married and you are not) as in they feel they are more adult than you etc.

I live in a very small town. There are no clubs, groups etc anywhere near here. I volunteer at an animal rescue which I enjoy but haven't made any friends there other than just people to talk to while I'm there. I dont' mind being friends with anyone much older or much younger than me. Most of the time I hang out with my aunt (in her 50's) or a friend's mom- same age because my friends are too busy. I don't have a lot of interests- I love doing just about anything with my boyfriend or my friends. I like outdoor activities, movies, shopping, biking etc. I just think the people I become friends with seem to think that being married means you are of a hihger social class and you don't associate with anyone whose not.

Awww you sound cool, wish I could be your friend! But sorry I hate living in small towns-- I was raised in one and this is one of the reasons I hate it. It is so hard to find things to do and find people with similar interests etc.

I have also experienced friends getting married or getting serious boyfriends and then forgetting about me. Those friends suck, there is no reason for that. I also have friends who are married and who continue the friendship. My best friend here is married and I am not. However it is a different sort of friendship than I have with my single girl friends, with whom I go to happy hours, clubs, bars, etc. My married friend is more chill and we go running together, she'll have me over for dinner with her and her husband, she always wants to go shopping for house stuff or clothes, we go for pedicures etc. It is a more "grown up" kind of friendship than just getting together to gossip and go out (which I still like, with my single girl friends).

I think that when people get married, at first there is a time when they really focus on their marriage and it is pretty much just the two of them. I think that's probably a good thing... you don't need distractions of still acting "single" and doing single stuff with single friends. It's like there's a new family made and it's important to focus on it as the most important thing. Also they tend to get couples as friends so that they can all do things together. (But still people should not just ditch their good single friends... that's annoying!) I've found that eventually sometimes married people tire of each other's constant company and go do their own thing and make their own friends. BUT if they have kids and they are "family" people they remain pretty focused on that for most of their lives. Yuck, that's why I don't want to get married and have kids LOL -- it sounds boring to me. But I understand the necessity of it.

I wonder if you live kind of close to a big city where could sign up to do some things now and again-- such as a bike ride or a race if you like to run, or a hike, etc. Even if you find friends that live a little further away, it will be something to go out and do and form connections with.

[NotKelly]

I'll be blunt -- women who get married become worthless for friendship.

In fact, the minute your friend gets engaged, YOU should take the first step and dump HER. You know what's coming. Why hang around and be hurt?

Married women don't really want to meet new people; they just want people who will fill up the (small) empty spaces in their lives. If you're cool with that, then that's fine and it's no slam on married women... but you really can't expect much from them.

Try making friends with older women whose kids have left the nest. I generally find that people (both men and women) in their 30's and 40's are pretty inert when it comes to wanting anything adventurous in their lives. Older people are a lot cooler... they're past all that stuff.

[Liquinn]

Bars, clubs, nightclubs or something? I guess it's very good to have a few good/awesome female friends that can be there for when you need them.

Liq.